hate it when he's nice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

He's been awful to me and our11modd, talking nasty actually moving hisdirty clothes out of the laundry to his hamper in his room, like our dirty clothes are some how tainted and can't touch his (actually I think his ex was here and did that) staying over his ex wifes, won't touch any food I make, stupid stuff like that... .  and today he's being nice... .  i don't like it... .  

   It seems when he's nice... .  he'll stay nice for 2-3 days then he makes up for it by being extra mean a few days later... .  uhhhhh!

[mccarthyhome3]

He's been awful to me and our11modd, talking nasty actually moving hisdirty clothes out of the laundry to his hamper in his room, like our dirty clothes are some how tainted and can't touch his (actually I think his ex was here and did that) staying over his ex wifes, won't touch any food I make, stupid stuff like that... .  and today he's being nice... .  i don't like it... .  

   It seems when he's nice... .  he'll stay nice for 2-3 days then he makes up for it by being extra mean a few days later... .  uhhhhh!

[Validation78]

Hi McCarthy!

It must be difficult to live like you do and my heart goes out to you!

Sounds like you want to try to make this relationship work, and are willing to do almost anything to do so. Have you looked into The Lessons on the staying board? There are many things that you can do to impact the way you and he interact and to improve the relationship. You can start small by learning more about BPD and why he does some of the things he does, then work your way up to learning some new communication tools. The fact is, if you don't do something different, this will be your future.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I am only trying to help! Is it alright with you that he stays with his ex and/or has her over to your place? If not (and I suspect that it's not alright with you), I think that reading about boundaries would be a good thing for you. I know that before I defined my values, established my boundaries, and was prepared to enforce them, my pwBPD walked all over me. I don't allow many of the old behaviors anymore. Boundaries are our way to protect ourselves, and to teach others how to treat us! Many of us have weak boundaries, and have to learn that we can take measures to protect ourselves!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[mccarthyhome3]

I don't take any advice the wrong way on here,i appreciate it.

  My boundaries are kinds what put me back in this position:) he had his ex cut his hair and I told him that I didn't like it and basically I would leave if it happened again (in so many words)2 months later he had her cut out again, big fight, some other things happened and I left for a week, during that time she was at the house and he started going over hers)i do have a few but have to work on then for sure.

    I don't know how to have bounties for something like this when he keeps throwing in my face that he's done with me and our daughter and were not together... .  he's back with her (he won't fully admit) she's truly a horrible person and had ruined him and his family more than once and has told him the only reason she gets back with him is so he's not with me.

    I plan on going back to my home state, so i'm trying to save money... he had also told me and his father he will give me money from his 401 to send us back (a week before he was"done with us"he said he was almost done paying back his loan on his 401 and would never take a loan from it again)... when he actual comes home with the money it will rip my heart out even more knowing he would do that just to get rid of us... .  

No I don't want to live like this but i'm still a bit suck in the whole"i love him"... .  but I do not want my daughter growing up around some one who can only love us sometimes... .  but its sad she won't have her Daddy either... .  the whole thing sucks!

[recoil]

I'm currently back in the idealization phase.  I love it -- but at the same time, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  This is the first time I've been back in the idealization phase since being on the forums.

Tools working?  A high to offset the holiday lows?  I don't know.  I'm enjoying the moment as best I can and will handle the next part of the ride when it happens.

[mccarthyhome3]

That's the problem with me... the idealization phase, but yep when it happens its almost scary... .  i know he can tell too... .  he's done this to me about 6-7 times in under 4 years.and this last time I didn't fall prey to it as much as normal and he couldn't understand what my problem was... .  saying things like i'm not giving Jim enough attention and he has no hope for us and he can't make me happy (this was after about 2 months) so I know that didn't help our situation but I was guarded and knew that it didn't matter either way, within 3-4 months he would devalue me anyways... that's his cycle... .  now that he's back with his ex he's good with me for only a few days at a time then its back to black... i'm mastering SET at this point and it works great on him but only cuz i'm stuck here til I get the money to leave... hopefully in that time he doesn't split me back,i dread it cuz I know me... .  

     I'm sick of my head spinning

[Washisheart]

Mccarthy,

My heart goes out to you. I remember what it was like to have a baby with a douche.

Do yourself a huge favor, change your locks. Even though his ex wife is the ex, he is treating you like the other woman. You and your daughter deserve so much more. You need to, for your sake & your daughter, remove yourself from the toxic situation.   If nothing else, changing your locks & phone number will show him you aren't playing his game anymore. Just dont answer it when he starts badgering you through the door.

[mccarthyhome3]

Would love to but this is his house... .  ive moved back and fourth from our home state... .  i have nothing here including family... .  i have his family who support me but their still his family... .  i need out and am sting to save money, but up until a month ago everything was fine, of course... .  it went from good night, love u to the next day him saying he can't be with me cuz ofour dd... .  and this month had been slow (im a bartender) so until I can save i'm screwed... .  i used up all my resources last year when he kicked me out cuz I was pregnant, so I can't stay any where else... were gonna talk tomorrow... .  and if he can get me money from his 401 I'll leave as soon as I get it,which still hurts!...

I'm Having a bad day cuz last night I saw him for the first time in almost a week and we looked at each other and both had a big smile... .  uhhhh,i hate when he hates me!