Ok so I am painted white again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

And I am still in shock I still am... .  

uBPDexbf came by my job, and I took my break to step outside & let him have it. I told him basically (in "rated E" terms) that the way he has done me is NOT what I want in a man, I want a man who wants to take care of me and do right by me, who has my back and will always defend. I straight out called him a (nother word for cat). I told him I don't even want that kind of relationship anymore.

So he followed me back inside and I continued to lay out my expectations of what I want in a man. I told him that I am through taking care of somebody else, I want a man who will spoil me, and take care of me. All the while I am laying it out to the man who used to think he was doing me a favor by staying with me, he didn't interrupt me once. Of course by the end of my list of demands, he said "you are asking for way too much. I will give you more time to grieve." I looked that man dead in his face and told him "i am not grieving, I am moving on." I told him I didn't even cry this time. And that have a date on Friday night. So of course I got the "move on then." As he walked out the door. It took all my self control to keep from chasing him outside when I heard his car start up. But I kept telling myself that if he isn't willing to treat me the way I want to be treated, someone else will.

So I am keeping busy acting like I dont care, but I can hear his car is still outside. About 10-15 minutes go by and he comes back in. I just looked at him & said "i thought you left." And he tells me "fine, we'll do it your way." So I tried him. I said "give me $100 to go food shopping." By this point I know he is going to tell me to eff off. All he says is "you could atleast ask nicely."  HasI have his bank card. I told him I wanted to take my daughter to the circus but now I have to buy a tire, he told me to use his card to pay for my tire. And after I got off work, he took me to go look at rings. It would be a very long engagement.

I did take the time he was around to tell him he has BPD , he needs to modify the way he reacts to things, especially by taking his time & thinking things through. I told him he needs therapy to learn how to effectively live with it. I told him I honestly dont know about "us" because what would I tell my daughter?

He is open to establishing  with a mental health provider. He actually WANTS to because he recognizes he has a serious problem. He said he is going to prove himself to me, he doesn't want to live like this anymore.

The crappy part of the situation is they are professional liars & at any given moment I could be painted black again. I did ask him how would he feel if he went to come back and he couldn't find me. Like would he even care? I told him he was very close to that happening and if I took him back & he leaves again, I am changing my number the same day & planning my move quickly, and I do have places I could go.

Damn this dreaded illness that could make some one your best friend and your worse enemy.

Oh I also told him it's way too coincidental that my tire goes flat & he calls right in time to "rescue" me... .  he says it's divine interaction. Uh huh

[Washisheart]

And I am still in shock I still am... .  

uBPDexbf came by my job, and I took my break to step outside & let him have it. I told him basically (in "rated E" terms) that the way he has done me is NOT what I want in a man, I want a man who wants to take care of me and do right by me, who has my back and will always defend. I straight out called him a (nother word for cat). I told him I don't even want that kind of relationship anymore.

So he followed me back inside and I continued to lay out my expectations of what I want in a man. I told him that I am through taking care of somebody else, I want a man who will spoil me, and take care of me. All the while I am laying it out to the man who used to think he was doing me a favor by staying with me, he didn't interrupt me once. Of course by the end of my list of demands, he said "you are asking for way too much. I will give you more time to grieve." I looked that man dead in his face and told him "i am not grieving, I am moving on." I told him I didn't even cry this time. And that have a date on Friday night. So of course I got the "move on then." As he walked out the door. It took all my self control to keep from chasing him outside when I heard his car start up. But I kept telling myself that if he isn't willing to treat me the way I want to be treated, someone else will.

So I am keeping busy acting like I dont care, but I can hear his car is still outside. About 10-15 minutes go by and he comes back in. I just looked at him & said "i thought you left." And he tells me "fine, we'll do it your way." So I tried him. I said "give me $100 to go food shopping." By this point I know he is going to tell me to eff off. All he says is "you could atleast ask nicely."  HasI have his bank card. I told him I wanted to take my daughter to the circus but now I have to buy a tire, he told me to use his card to pay for my tire. And after I got off work, he took me to go look at rings. It would be a very long engagement.

I did take the time he was around to tell him he has BPD , he needs to modify the way he reacts to things, especially by taking his time & thinking things through. I told him he needs therapy to learn how to effectively live with it. I told him I honestly dont know about "us" because what would I tell my daughter?

He is open to establishing  with a mental health provider. He actually WANTS to because he recognizes he has a serious problem. He said he is going to prove himself to me, he doesn't want to live like this anymore.

The crappy part of the situation is they are professional liars & at any given moment I could be painted black again. I did ask him how would he feel if he went to come back and he couldn't find me. Like would he even care? I told him he was very close to that happening and if I took him back & he leaves again, I am changing my number the same day & planning my move quickly, and I do have places I could go.

Damn this dreaded illness that could make some one your best friend and your worse enemy.

Oh I also told him it's way too coincidental that my tire goes flat & he calls right in time to "rescue" me... .  he says it's divine interaction. Uh huh

[Validation78]

Hey Was!

Sounds like the typical push/pull phase! Doesn't mean it can't work out, just be aware of all that is happening with you new found enlightenment!

Ask yourself these questions:

What will he do differently this time?

What will I do differently this time?

Do I see myself in this long term?

Can I accept the fact that this relationship may always be unbalanced, that I will likely have to bear the biggest burden of making changes, using tools, taking the high road, etc.?

Can I forgive him for all that has happened?

Can I really trust him?

I know you already know it by the things you have said here, however, please be sure that you believe and are committed to doing many things differently. If the way you interact doesn't change, of course the results won't either!

I am an optimist and want to believe that people can change. However, I generally proceed with cautious optimism

when dealing with pwBPD. I won't throw caution to the wind, and neither should any of us! I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you get all you want in this relationship and in your life. We all deserve it!

Best Wishes,

Val78