What realistic changes from your pwBPD would make it easier to live with them?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had my first (ever) therapy session yesterday.  T is dBPDgf's former T, which he knows but not specifics.  T has experience with BPD and insights, even having, apparently, dated a pwBPD in his youth.  I went in thinking I wouldn't outwardly blame a lot of my issue on the relationship, but I kept feeling I had to say it when discussing what was wrong, and he pointed to it being an issue.  In the discussion, he cleared up some fogginess I've had from reading about the disorder, mainly splitting.  He explained more clearly the way splitting works.  He said, in harmony with a lot of what is being said here, that they are hard people to get along with, and that you basically have to adjust your behavior, not because its wrong, but because it will set you away from the landmines, and that through our healthy reactions and ability to blow off their explosions, it makes them healthier.    Just like a child learns from seeing their parents, the BPD will learn from the Non.  He also stated very clearly that the option to leave is my decision, and he will not point one way or the other.  He stated that they are extremely hard to deal with, and there is a lot of work involved, but that they can be very interesting and exciting as well, affectionate, sexual and great during the good times, all of which I'd heard before, but hearing from someone in person is different than reading on the boards and such, as helpful as they are. I feel very comfortable with him, and he seems to be on the same page on a lot of things and very easy to talk to.  One thing that surprised me is that it felt much more like a conversation than I thought it would.  

He gave me an assignment.  I am to think of a small list (5-10) of things I need/want her to change for me to feel more comfortable in my life with her.  I'm working on that now, but I figured I would put it out so others on here could ponder it.

So, what is a list of realistic things you would like to change in your BPD relationship to level out the pot holes?

[Winglessfallen]

I had my first (ever) therapy session yesterday.  T is dBPDgf's former T, which he knows but not specifics.  T has experience with BPD and insights, even having, apparently, dated a pwBPD in his youth.  I went in thinking I wouldn't outwardly blame a lot of my issue on the relationship, but I kept feeling I had to say it when discussing what was wrong, and he pointed to it being an issue.  In the discussion, he cleared up some fogginess I've had from reading about the disorder, mainly splitting.  He explained more clearly the way splitting works.  He said, in harmony with a lot of what is being said here, that they are hard people to get along with, and that you basically have to adjust your behavior, not because its wrong, but because it will set you away from the landmines, and that through our healthy reactions and ability to blow off their explosions, it makes them healthier.    Just like a child learns from seeing their parents, the BPD will learn from the Non.  He also stated very clearly that the option to leave is my decision, and he will not point one way or the other.  He stated that they are extremely hard to deal with, and there is a lot of work involved, but that they can be very interesting and exciting as well, affectionate, sexual and great during the good times, all of which I'd heard before, but hearing from someone in person is different than reading on the boards and such, as helpful as they are. I feel very comfortable with him, and he seems to be on the same page on a lot of things and very easy to talk to.  One thing that surprised me is that it felt much more like a conversation than I thought it would.  

He gave me an assignment.  I am to think of a small list (5-10) of things I need/want her to change for me to feel more comfortable in my life with her.  I'm working on that now, but I figured I would put it out so others on here could ponder it.

So, what is a list of realistic things you would like to change in your BPD relationship to level out the pot holes?

[Seahorse1]

I'm so glad you had a good session with your T.

I went a few times and liked mine too but felt he was too opinionated... .  Basically told me that BPD's are dangerous people and I should leave !

Any way back to your question... .  

I was thinking of starting a post asking people what the most damaging BPD trait was in there relationship... .  

Eg... .  Lying, cheating, leaving, raging, etc... .  

I can absolutely pin point mine to his irrational insecurity... .  

Without going into to much detail his insecurity was by far the cause of almost all of our issues... .  

Being a fairly rational person I sometimes just lost my patience... .  

I tried to set boundaries over this issue... .  

Eg... .  I have answered your same questions over and over for a year (about my sexual past)

My answers have not changed, and it has come to a point where it annoys and insults me that you keep asking... .  

Any way my suggestion is to target the BPD traits that are most damaging and try to formulate your list on how you would like to see those improve... .  

[Seahorse1]

Maybe also think about how you can better respond to certain things, and boundaries that you absolutely will not compromise on... .  

As we all know the BPD will not change over night and they will challange your boundaries...

Hope this helps

[Winglessfallen]

My plan of attack is to just list everything I can think of, then I'm going to start pinning down stuff to try and work on.  I just started and already have about twenty, sad to say.

As for boundaries, I think thats what he was speaking of when he said compromises that aren't because you're wrong.  He was kind of stating the other side of boundaries, ie, there are things you won't budge on, but he was looking at the things you will.  But those are part of the reason for seeking T.  I'm so enmeshed in this BPD roller coaster, that it has completely thrown my priorities out of whack.  I don't really know WHAT i won't budge on.  Which is why I'm glad to be able to relate to him.  Its helpful to have someone not wince at the thoughts that run around your head and the things you want to feel are important.

[Washisheart]

I like the advice of your T. I found alot of online research discouraging because it basically tells you to run  & never look back. When realistically speaking they are talking about a human being for which we have histories with, memories, and deep rooted love for. Personally, our home environment is not a fire pit in hell when he is there. We don't have alot of major arguments, and he & I would spend every non working hour together for weeks straight with no tension at all. Our problems set in when he gets that itch to try something new. Which doesn't last more than a week to two before I tell him to get out because I am not living like that.

So onto what I would like to change:

1. The leaving. I have already started talking to him about that because I want him to recognize when it's coming, I want him to"see" how his thought process changes towards me and our life together. I didn't pressure him to give me his exact thoughts, but basically he admitted that he feels like the grass will be greener, but he also recognizes it never is and he always ends up regretting the decision.  And I asked him, ok so now what are you going to do when you notice that your thought process is starting to shift & he said "talk to you about it" Now I dont know how realistic that is, but at this point he is atleast acknowledging he has a serious problem.

2. Me coming second. That is a me issue also as for so long I just accepted it as is. But what I have found, atleast with him, is that if I dont accept it & I throw an expectation on his lap and it's clear I am not budging, he will pull through for me. I also find if I stay respectfully firm in a decision while he throws a tantrum or whatever it can be called, he might run to his car, but his car will not leave the driveway. He might sit out there for half an hour thinking. A few times he has pulled off but hours no further than the corner store. I don't if that stems from my belief that you never leave a loved one angry, and perhaps it rubbed off on him?

3. Response to negative stimuli. Now this is more in his response to outside people. Road rage, taking a minor interaction and blowing up so bad it ruins his mood. And these are complete strangers who have no major impact on his life.

4. Lies. That man has such an imagination he could publish Fiction.  When we rented a house he told his entire family we bought it. Then we ended up hating it. Now what are you going to tell everyone when we move?

5. Cheating. I wish it was a non issue. With him, his while demeanor changes, this is where I become black. which is one of the reasons I hurriedly tell him to go. Now he seems to be recognizing that the females who might be super sexy to him are no good. And I told him hello! They are going after a man THEY KNOW has a woman at home, what kind of woman do you expect them to be? Any woman who would be good for you, is also respecting herself & her beliefs of what a relationship is and will stay away from a man who has someone at home.

[gina louise]

Winglessfallen,

I'm usually on the leaving board... .  but the potential to recycle/reconcile is always possible until the final divorce decree.

So I'll bite... .  

1.  he will take appropriate "time outs" when he's feeling agitated and unable to have a discussion.

30 minutes meditating, or doing a chore to cool off is better than slamming doors, pacing, shouting and making things worse. Only he knows best when he's "losing it"

He will let me know that he's feeling bad, needs time. Not all day-just 30 mins.

2. set aside time at the end of each day to share POSITIVES... .  not negatives. HUSBAND has problems with the sunny side of life. He sees the looming clouds more than any person I know.

3. Hugs and kisses-physical affection that keeps us connected-less distance. HUSBAND needs this too.

4. one real "date" per week... .  or several per month. Dress up and all. No cancelling.

5. if he needs to really VENT, I can listen- but not more than 20 minutes and Vice versa. No more 2-3 hour debates/rants.

6. No threats or ultimatums of leaving the r/s or being DONE. It's a work in progress.

  No quitting the job half done, No running away to end the r/s.

7. Respect for my opinions, too. Partnered decision making, rather than one sided demands.

8. Keeping to the plans that were made! (HUGE) I believe that we haven't done HALF of what's been planned b/c he has a change of mind, mood or money.  He doesn't see that it stings the other party (me, his kids) to forfeit an outing b/c he's tired or moody.

GL

[causticdork]

I only have a few, but they're pretty crucial... .  

1. The lying.  I know everybody lies sometimes, but these lies are abnormal and ridiculous.  And she's not even very good at it.   It's painfully obvious to me when she's lying about something, but I can't call her out on it without starting a huge fight, so I just nod and pretend not to notice a lot.

2. The secrecy.  She seriously won't tell me anything about herself or her life.  And the things she does tell me are lies half the time anyway. 

3. The unemployment.  It's been ten months since she's had anything steady, six months since she's worked at all.  I wouldn't mind if she were actively trying to find something, but I feel like all she does is sit around being cynical about how she's not gonna get the job anyway. 

[DreamGirl]

I am so glad that you went to see a therapist!

And that you are feeling better with his explanation.

So - what's your list?

[Peace4ME]

Sounds as if you've found a T that could be very helpful. Mine is great, but doesn't treat BPD, so I'm considering switching to one that does to help me understand more.

Here's my list:

1. The negative thinking - I don't mean having a bad day, or even judging periods of depression. It's more the attitude that the world is out to get him, he has the worst luck and there is very little he can do about it. I believe life is what you make it and a "poor me" mentality is extremely difficult for me to live with.

2.  Sticking to decisions - I call it flip flopping, or loss of credibility; it drives me nuts. One day being adamant about xyz and the next about zyx. And getting upset with me when I don't jump on the train both days. It causes loss of trust for me, he still doesn't get this. He says he's just open-minded. 

3.  No more marijuana – Not because I’m morally against it, but because he has proved that he is not in control of the amount he smokes, like an alcoholic.

4.  Respecting me – This is kind of general but includes: Considering my wellbeing when he makes decisions that affect both of us, showing me empathy when he has done something that has hurt my feelings (this one is going to be difficult because he immediately feels shameful and goes into BPD defense mode) and keeping in mind that relationships are give and take and selfless acts (things that he may not necessary want to do) will not kill him 

5. No raging – Very important, but he has already coming close to stopping this all together.

[Winglessfallen]

I'm glad everyone is getting some use out of his assignment.  My list is currently extremely long and growing.  I've never considered this, at least writing it down, before.  I'm writing everything, and then pick out the important ones.  It's going to be a process so I know I've gotten most things.  I think I have a lot of what other people have on theirs too, which would be expected with similar partners.  Some people have things I wouldn't put down as important, or that didn't even make my long list.  It's interesting to see what people will and won't stand for.  Wonder if there would be more participants if the topic was only the question?

[real lady]

  Winglessfallen... .  

He gave me an assignment.  I am to think of a small list (5-10) of things I need/want her to change for me to feel more comfortable in my life with her.  I'm working on that now, but I figured I would put it out so others on here could ponder it.So, what is a list of realistic things you would like to change in your BPD relationship to level out the pot holes?

 gina louise's answers. I agree that it may be "too little too late" but it is healthy and good for us to look at HEALTHY behavior and what we might be able to expect from a BPDso if they are willing to "work on themselves".

I highlighted the above request to "keep my list full of SMALL things"... .  I don't know how "realistic" they are for a pwBPD to accomplish; they may not be very realistic.

1) When I say "please don't yell at me." that he STOPS his behavior, recognizes that I deserve respect and love as much as he does and speaks gently with me if he wants to continue the conversation. Period.

2) Focus on what I am saying as well as how I am saying it. Give me his undivided attention. Respect.

3) THINK before he speaks to me. Realize that his behavior has consequences leading up to me not wanting to be near him. Period.

4) BE interested in my life. like DUH. He doesn't ASK how I am, what I want or what I would like to do. I tell him but he doesn't seem interested, so I do them alone or with others instead.

5) Allow me to "be myself" by leaving me alone at times. He is constantly "mouthing" at me and my son about NOTHING... .  anything to pick a fight. STOP.

[Washisheart]

I would change the egocentricism. The inability to feel empathy or even care about how badly you hurt someone & make them feel.i would make him actually care about how badly he has hurt us & actually feel remorse. I would make him actually afraid to lose me so he would try his hardest to keep me. I would be more than a disposable accessory to him.

[Carter]

THe biggest for me is the near complete refusal to accept or "own" her own choices and/or decisions.

[dragonfly13]

1) All of the above

2) Making plans and not following through (without letting me know)

3) THE SILENT TREATMENT - OMG --- crazy making.

[waverider]

An important aspect the T raised is that when setting boundaries and wish list, make sure they are achievable with the capabilities of the disorder in mind. Not basing them on trying to contain a pwBPD within "normal bahavior" parameters.

One other thing I would add is that when you edit your list try to eliminate some issues that may effectively be side effects or symptoms of deeper problems.

I have a three tier approach

1- Essential core issues that create deep resentment, essential boundaries for these<<These are what your T is driving at

2- Issues that drive you nuts, and need to be addressed at some stage before you are likely to have a good RS, put these on the back burner and accept them for now until items in 1 are addressed and CONSOLIDATED beyond doubt. May even have to let these float for a year or more even.

3- Issues that are irritating but not the end of the world. Just accept these and think of them as quirks, you cant address everything, life's not that long!

Often items in the latter groups will sort themselves out (or you will find them less annoying) as you get a handle on the more basic issues.

[downandin]

1.  No rages.

2.  Taking responsibility.

3.  No emotional blackmail.

4.  No "slight of word" attacks... .  you know the kind where they hit you to your core and you don't even realize it until later.

5.  Ability to compromise. 

[Washisheart]

I don't know, usually when he hits me to the core I feel it right away, like somebody punched me in the stomach.

[almost789]

how about no silent treatment... .  but if that is their way in acting out (or in) expecting their not going to do it futile. Once they're get triggered and they can't maintain any boundaries... .  

[PM720]

how about no silent treatment... .  but if that is their way in acting out (or in) expecting their not going to do it futile. Once they're get triggered and they can't maintain any boundaries... .  

I agree about no silent treatment.  I would love to be in a relationship where if we disagree on something or where someone is upset, we actually sit down and talk.  I have heard that people have done this before so I know it exists. But just the ability to talk something out would be amazing.

[waverider]

The problem with wishing away silent treatment is that the alternative is not balanced dialogue, but far too often it is a needy and demanding monologue until your mind is screaming "shut up' and cave in.

My partner doesn't do silent treatment but my ex did (no PD issues) used to drive mad then, but I wouldn't mind it now, it would give my mind interuption free breathing space.

[dragonfly13]

The problem with wishing away silent treatment is that the alternative is not balanced dialogue, but far too often it is a needy and demanding monologue until your mind is screaming "shut up' and cave in.

My partner doesn't do silent treatment but my ex did (no PD issues) used to drive mad then, but I wouldn't mind it now, it would give my mind interuption free breathing space.

It's the days / weeks long silent treatments that are the problem ... .  these are not "mind interruption-free breathing spaces" ... .  because it's thinking about them getting in touch is all you can think about.

[waverider]

Biggest issues for me by far are;

Lack of personal effort and application to anything other than satisfying impulses.

Dishonesty and untrustworthiness.

Sense of entitlement

Extreme neediness

Alcohol and medication addictions & abuse.

Are these realistic changes? Probably not, they are too deeply ingrained and always have been.

[real lady]

Biggest issues for me by far are;

Lack of personal effort and application to anything other than satisfying impulses.

Dishonesty and untrustworthiness.

Sense of entitlement

Extreme neediness

Alcohol and medication addictions & abuse.

Are these realistic changes? Probably not, they are too deeply ingrained and always have been.

Me too ((wave)) My uBPDso has even told me that his "new schedule" works for him that I just 'have to live with it'... .  I don't see him "changing" any of this either any more than he is willing (NOT) to go to counseling.

[tuum est61]

He gave me an assignment.  I am to think of a small list (5-10) of things I need/want her to change for me to feel more comfortable in my life with her.  I'm working on that now, but I figured I would put it out so others on here could ponder it.

So, what is a list of realistic things you would like to change in your BPD relationship to level out the pot holes?

Its great you initiated therapy.  I only went for a limited time, but those few sessions - along with the support here - has completely changed the nature of my relationship with my uBPDw - from constant tension to general pleasantness with still intense but now very short dysregulations - to the point its almost "normal" around the house.  At this point, it's not clear that she's "changed", but my change (detachment, validation, boundary setting) has stopped the cycle of conflict.  

I think you have found a very GOOD therapist - and anticipating where your therapist may be going, I wouldn't make that list too long, because only intense and lengthy therapy can cause them to change, so the only short term "relief" lies within us. And as they say, you can't eat an elephant all at once - fortunately bpdfamily.com has some great cooking tips.  

In other words, at your next or a future session, your therapist is likely to ask you - "now that you've made this list, how are YOU going to change your reactions/responses when you experience the things that THEY need to change?"  

I do think my W has "changed" - but she wouldn't have had I not taken responsibility for going first.  Which of the items on the list bother you the most? How are you going to change how you deal with it?

[Winglessfallen]

I have my list.  I went for specific behaviors, rather than categories.  I thought it may be easier to swallow if I can say something specific she does.

- Don't oversell something I've already agreed to.

- Allow me to build a routine of life (mainly personal care) instead of demanding all my time.

- Wake up so that I can leave the house in time for work.

- Talking about random subjects during "adult time"

- Give her s7 and s10 responsibilities in household work

- Spend less time cleaning and more time watching s10mnths

- Do not bother me when I'm sleeping (unless its a real emergency)

- Do not micro manage/look over my shoulder while I'm taking care of our son at night (which i do so she can sleep).

- Allow me personal time without interruption (reading without trying start a conversation, so forth), at least every other night.

- Look into sleep therapy for her insomnia.

I don't know how much of this falls under BPD trait, I'm just picking things that seem like they would help ease road bumps.  This is a small list from a longer, 5 page list full of BPD specific habits, but this is what I settled to try for right now.  Maybe more as she concedes to these.

[Vinnie]

I would add:

- Curtail the constant insults, contempt, demeaning comments about my flaws, and pointing out my past mistakes that I've already sought forgiveness for. 

- Stop putting down my family members and my friends, which I see as trying to isolate me from them.

- Stop being bitter about life.

Now we need to have a thread that asks, "What changes has your BPDso made in response to you asking them?"

[rollercoaster24]

Wow! Hi all, I am trying to get my head around a list...

Hmmmm

1. No more weekly screaming or verbal abuse and leaving me feeling dumped and hanging up after he does it... (as previously stated to BP many times). Having always validated his feelings, I understand that he gets stressed and upset easily, given his circumstances, however I believe he needs to end the call/interaction politely before he gets really angry and nasty with me...

I have already said to him in calmer moments, that if he finds himself getting really upset and angry, to agree to end the call/interaction for now, and pick up later... He agreed, and did do this for a short time, but then went back into rages and rants... I have already told him, that I am not a sponge, and cannot soak up his pain for hours and days at a time, especially when he turns these onto our relationship so often... .  

2. Taking his circumstances into account, that he try and think of a more realistic way of dealing with things presently, than continue doing the same thing and expecting different results, (especially when his way of dealing with things is both unaffordable and damaging to his health and wellbeing...

3. The unemployment issue-been 4 years now, (unless you count when he was working with me occasionally for pay).

4. That we have at least one simple, cheap outing per week together... either going for a walk, or a short trip or to explore places we have not seen. BP is always telling me that we need to do this, to create more nice memories, (he also says all his nice memories of us from the past are destroyed in regards to my home, after he 'had to leave'.

The way things have been, BP goes out to a nearby city weekly, swims, sleeps overnight twice in his car, spends most of his limited finances, and then spends time with me when he has nothing much left... I do not want to feel used... or like the last option when nothing else is left...

5. That he stop flipflopping verbally to me about our relationship. He needs to weigh up the pros and cons himself, and make a decision... If he truly believes he does not envision us having a future together, then let me go... At least then, I can make more progress in my own life...

6. That he go and utilise the resources available to him whilst he is on Governmental Assistance. Cheaper health care, dental care etc... Visiting a GP for an overall checkup would be a good start, rather than prattle on about his dying, malnutrition and general ill health... and making me pay for it on a daily basis emotionally and often relying on me to help him financially too... This includes charity agencies where you can buy cheap food... or even have a donation made to you...

7. To discontinue blaming others and take a little more self inventory in the present. Help himself more, accept responsibility for him... .  and his own life... Spend less time talking about others, (including his parents) and focus on his own happiness and what he is doing... .  and can/will be doing in future... .  

8. Try to change the way he thinks about things, and then seeing the results in how he feels in himself... Stop taking everything so personally, and relating everything that people do back to himself... Question his damaging assumptions about situations/people a little more...

9. Grant me the same respect/validation of my feelings that I give to him, that includes trust...

10. Realise that if he wants us to live together, in our own place, that he needs to be sure he can be consistent in that, no flip flopping, or paying now and then... or picking fights... I need security, and do not feel like giving up what I have until I see he realises these things... He did have his chance before, and he ruined it, so I signed up for another years lease in my present rental... It is also 5 minutes drive from my main workplace... Something he needs if he wants to rent/buy with me...

11. Managing his own rage/hurt/pain, and not continuing to take it out on me so often... .  find a better way of dealing with his own substantial emotions... Exercise like running helps... .  BP is good at this... .  

Phew, that about sums it up for now...

Most of these things are not light boundaries, they are pretty firm on how I see things right now...

I have others that are not as important, I have to use radical acceptance all the time, as bittersweet as it is... In that, BP is never going to share my love of music, and louder music, (unless it is his music).

That BP is not going to be laidback and easy going, (unless it is about him and his ideas on things).

That BP is likely never going to sit down with me on a regular basis and watch a really good movie together...

That BP is never going to be comfortable socialising with anyone I know, or perhaps his own family either... He may of course be able to socialise with my other family, (in my home country), as the fact that most of them do not live here, or socialise with me, makes BP more comfortable...

That BP may not seek help for therapy for some time, if ever... Hmm, not sure how this one will go... .  I may have to call things off and go NC if he goes back on the warpath again... .  

That he may not ever seek medication to level his moods out... Hmm, another I am not sure I can accept forever...

Well, that's my considerable contribution to this post...

Thanks all for allowing me to...

[tuum est61]

 

I have my list.  I went for specific behaviors, rather than categories.  I thought it may be easier to swallow if I can say something specific she does.

- Don't oversell something I've already agreed to.

- Allow me to build a routine of life (mainly personal care) instead of demanding all my time.

- Wake up so that I can leave the house in time for work.

- Talking about random subjects during "adult time"

- Give her s7 and s10 responsibilities in household work

- Spend less time cleaning and more time watching s10mnths

- Do not bother me when I'm sleeping (unless its a real emergency)

- Do not micro manage/look over my shoulder while I'm taking care of our son at night (which i do so she can sleep).

- Allow me personal time without interruption (reading without trying start a conversation, so forth), at least every other night.

- Look into sleep therapy for her insomnia.

I don't know how much of this falls under BPD trait, I'm just picking things that seem like they would help ease road bumps.  This is a small list from a longer, 5 page list full of BPD specific habits, but this is what I settled to try for right now.  Maybe more as she concedes to these.

Winglessfallen,  I am not sure if your list is all things she needs to do or a mix of both yours and her actions.  The first item seems to be wholly your action and then it shifts to what she needs to do, but I am not sure.  But as I suggested, it would seem to me that your therapist, upon looking at your list, is going to ask you  “Now WF, what are you going to do to make sure that these things happen? “  But in case your therapist hasn’t, I am.  

What will you do to have these things happen?  

And I guess I would ask any of the members that posted in Winglessfallen’s thread, “What is your plan to see that your pwBPD makes these changes you have listed?”  

[tuum est61]

  

Wow! Hi all, I am trying to get my head around a list...

Hmmmm

1. No more weekly screaming or verbal abuse and leaving me feeling dumped and hanging up after he does it... (as previously stated to BP many times). Having always validated his feelings, I understand that he gets stressed and upset easily, given his circumstances, however I believe he needs to end the call/interaction politely before he gets really angry and nasty with me...

I have already said to him in calmer moments, that if he finds himself getting really upset and angry, to agree to end the call/interaction for now, and pick up later... He agreed, and did do this for a short time, but then went back into rages and rants... I have already told him, that I am not a sponge, and cannot soak up his pain for hours and days at a time, especially when he turns these onto our relationship so often... .  

2. Taking his circumstances into account, that he try and think of a more realistic way of dealing with things presently, than continue doing the same thing and expecting different results, (especially when his way of dealing with things is both unaffordable and damaging to his health and wellbeing...

3. The unemployment issue-been 4 years now, (unless you count when he was working with me occasionally for pay).

4. That we have at least one simple, cheap outing per week together... either going for a walk, or a short trip or to explore places we have not seen. BP is always telling me that we need to do this, to create more nice memories, (he also says all his nice memories of us from the past are destroyed in regards to my home, after he 'had to leave'.

The way things have been, BP goes out to a nearby city weekly, swims, sleeps overnight twice in his car, spends most of his limited finances, and then spends time with me when he has nothing much left... I do not want to feel used... or like the last option when nothing else is left...

5. That he stop flipflopping verbally to me about our relationship. He needs to weigh up the pros and cons himself, and make a decision... If he truly believes he does not envision us having a future together, then let me go... At least then, I can make more progress in my own life...

6. That he go and utilise the resources available to him whilst he is on Governmental Assistance. Cheaper health care, dental care etc... Visiting a GP for an overall checkup would be a good start, rather than prattle on about his dying, malnutrition and general ill health... and making me pay for it on a daily basis emotionally and often relying on me to help him financially too... This includes charity agencies where you can buy cheap food... or even have a donation made to you...

7. To discontinue blaming others and take a little more self inventory in the present. Help himself more, accept responsibility for him... .  and his own life... Spend less time talking about others, (including his parents) and focus on his own happiness and what he is doing... .  and can/will be doing in future... .  

8. Try to change the way he thinks about things, and then seeing the results in how he feels in himself... Stop taking everything so personally, and relating everything that people do back to himself... Question his damaging assumptions about situations/people a little more...

9. Grant me the same respect/validation of my feelings that I give to him, that includes trust...

10. Realise that if he wants us to live together, in our own place, that he needs to be sure he can be consistent in that, no flip flopping, or paying now and then... or picking fights... I need security, and do not feel like giving up what I have until I see he realises these things... He did have his chance before, and he ruined it, so I signed up for another years lease in my present rental... It is also 5 minutes drive from my main workplace... Something he needs if he wants to rent/buy with me...

11. Managing his own rage/hurt/pain, and not continuing to take it out on me so often... .  find a better way of dealing with his own substantial emotions... Exercise like running helps... .  BP is good at this... .  

Phew, that about sums it up for now...

Most of these things are not light boundaries, they are pretty firm on how I see things right now...

I have others that are not as important, I have to use radical acceptance all the time, as bittersweet as it is... In that, BP is never going to share my love of music, and louder music, (unless it is his music).

A) That BP is not going to be laidback and easy going, (unless it is about him and his ideas on things).

B) That BP is likely never going to sit down with me on a regular basis and watch a really good movie together...

C) That BP is never going to be comfortable socialising with anyone I know, or perhaps his own family either... He may of course be able to socialise with my other family, (in my home country), as the fact that most of them do not live here, or socialise with me, makes BP more comfortable...

D) That BP may not seek help for therapy for some time, if ever... Hmm, not sure how this one will go... .  I may have to call things off and go NC if he goes back on the warpath again... .  

E) That he may not ever seek medication to level his moods out... Hmm, another I am not sure I can accept forever...

Well, that's my considerable contribution to this post...

Thanks all for allowing me to...

Rollercoaster,

Its great you have found bpdfamily.com and can share the frustrations of living with a person with BPD.   Your numbered list is pretty indicative of the stress that entails.  I’ve been there.   I am still there.

The title for this thread that Winglessfallen started is “What realistic changes from your pwBPD would make it easier to live with them?”

How “realistic” do you think it is that your H will make the changes in your numbered list (1 to 11) given the “reality” of the 5 observations you made at the end of your post?  (I’ve lettered them A to E)  

You are showing a lot of acceptance in items A to E.  Given that he won't change, can you?   If so, what changes will you make?

[waverider]

Now we need to have a thread that asks, "What changes has your BPDso made in response to you asking them?"

I guess the answer to this would be nil, rarely does anything change by merely asking for it. You have to action something to make changing beneficial for them, even that takes a while for them to grasp as the first response is usually negative