Feedback about request

[Justadude]

 this year our daughter Began preschool. On her first day, we took her together. I asked my ex if we could make a routine where I had her for one school night, she refused. On numerous occasions when she needed help, she asked me if she could spend the night, but since it was not routine it was hard since that's not our relationship and I didn't want that situation because of the random frequency. When I asked my ex for a routine she said I will need your help at the start of this new year. What made me upset was the fact that I feel isolated and on her terms as a parent amongst a few things given our history so it made me upset.

So she gave me a list of many days on a Friday. I get our daughter for dinner a couple times a week on tue and thur. This exchange was in email. When I arrived she began questioning immediately and I said I'll get back with you. My beef is, she asks me for things with our daughter on her terms. If I ask her for anything I get nothing in return to the point I've given up asking for anything because there is always a conflict. I stopped caring. I want to tell her no out of spite since this helps her earn income that is not calculated in child support, which I'm bitter because I do pay a lot so our daughter has her but she's not really appreciative of that. It's just I owe it to her.

I want to tell her no because I just want to or I want to say he's but on condition that our daughter spends the night on those days or something. I just feel like her little b and I don't like it. I know deep down its good for our daughter but when that changes and I have zero control it's just annoying to have that relationship so dictated.

My last part of this, she already said I agreed to this on the first day but this was not what I was asking or agreeing too. So it frustrates me and if I say anything, it will be a blow out and I'm in no mood anymore to go through those petty arguments. So I'm hoping someone can shed some light so I can deal with this in a balanced way.

Thanks

[Rose Tiger]

It's only money, let it go.  The courts don't hold her accountable to how she spends it.  Let it go, or it will drive you mad.  It doesn't give you any say so, the law says this much and there you go.  It's one of those no control things, let it go.

If I read this correctly you get Tues/Thurs nights with dear daughter?  This is very good.  Is that plan working out?

[Justadude]

We never went through much detail. I pay more than guidelines because I want our daughter to be with her mom. However it's been at my quality of life hence the resentment. If I go to court again since its been two years she would have it dramatically reduced. My thing is, I don't want her to stress cause I want our daughter to not be stressed or feel that pressure. Blah, blah, blah.

As for the schedule working out... .  It's hard for me. Initially when I started it was very hard to say good bye I was so angry. I miss out on so much and it just makes me sad. I know people say let it go, but it's not that easy cause it's my only daughter and I don't know if I'll have more and I feel robbed about how things went down.

Our weekend scheduler alternates weekend days so it's been hard on me just because I've had a hard time with it. I do feel awful about the arrangement. She's had so much time and out of the nearly four years I've had maybe a year and a half if that. I feel resentful and angry about it.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm sorry you are missing out on so much time with your daughter.  :'(  You would think the extra money would make her more accomodating in arrangements.  It sounds like it's not going to be that way unfortunately.  Can you take the Tue/Thur dinner nights without having to roll over for her?

[DreamGirl]

Rule of thumb -----> visitation and child support are two SEPARATE issues that should never be discussed at the same time.

I'm reading that you want more time/overnights when you ask because you (over)pay her so much money - but that she's not really considering overpayment, just money that you actually owe her.

First and foremost, you have to realize that a person with BPD is often wired with a certain kind of "entitlement". I've often referred to the pwBPD in my life as the unfillable cup - it doesn't matter the amount of money you give her, it's never enough. So trying to buy her kindness and consideration doesn't really work. She truly believes that she is owed above and beyond even what the State Guidelines suggest.  

What do you want the schedule to look like?

Expecting her to be flexible is only going to guarantee you anger and resentment. So I'd suggest getting the visitation schedule to look how you want it and then sticking to it.

Then if you ask for more time, you have to be OK with her saying "no"... .  or you really shouldn't ask.  

I know it's hard - especially when it should be so much easier. It's what happens in these situations, we have to learn ways to adapt to make our lives easier - the kids' lives easier.

~DreamGirl

[Justadude]

what it really boils down to is i am bitter and i'll tell you why.

i'll tell you exactly what happened and why i am so bitter.

when my ex and i were dating. i was crushed because she cheated. when she threatened suicide when i broke up with her, it scared the crap out of me and my exact thought was, "ok its not that bad", but staying with her i ended up making myself so sick. I couldn't get the thought of her with him out of my head. when i would break up with her she would stalk me say she messed up but would never work through the issues and of course my stupid self continued to have sex with her because i was in denial that this was not what i thought it was and it was hard to let go, i guess in a way it was the first time in my life i ever felt so lonely after breaking up that it terrified me. i mean the crying/the pain it was just awful i never felt that intensity before in my life.

we ended up making a child together. we were living together at the time and once night in a circular conversation based on my insecurities and personal issues over everything that happened and how I dealt with them, she said, "i'd be a bad dad because i couldn't get over the fact that she cheated". I left immediately, retrieved my belongings and did not speak to her for two weeks i was so hurt. when i spoke to her again she informed me that she was moving and quit her job and i just was crushed. i mean wth? so we didn't really speak for the entire pregnancy unless it was arguing where awful things were said. we eventually put our differences aside and i went to see our daughter born, which she informed me she wanted to get back together. i was not comfortable, yet not opposed. i saw our daughter for one month and at the thought of leaving i began having severe panic attacks.

six months later despite my wish for her to relocate where i was she did anyway. we lived in a place for six months. by the time i was involved she dictated what she was going to do with our daughter and we or i felt like I had no direct impact because she was so controlling with all of it. so we lived together for nine months but we fought about our old problems and if something happened in the present i flipped ~ because i was so angry about how things went down. I paid for everything. when she relocated i paid for it. i paid for everything. when i asked her to get a job she refused. i did not want to be a family because i did not trust her and we never worked through our real issues and i was so bitter about the lying.

when she was trying to get back with me at the start she already told her family she was going to move before she found out she was pregnant, but none of this information was ever presented to me to make my own choices. the day of the DV the previous week she was threatening suicide in the shower and it was just driving me nuts and the DV despite my embarrassment was not what she said it was.

To be completely honest I don't know what I want. I know that I'm not a female, I love our daughter, I've done quite a bit, but I hate the way that I was treated and I hate having to live with a lack of freedom and always on edge with this.

I just feel like she screwed me over and continues to use me at her will and I hate it. I hate it.

[david]

When my ex first ran away I was floored. I became the problem for everything in her life. Eventually I found a therapist (it took several before I found the right fit) that helped me deal with my stuff. I then learned to emotionally detach. That's when I started thinking clearer and not getting upset by what ex was doing and saying. It's been 5 plus years now, the divorce is final, and our two boys are doing much better then I imagined in the beginning. Detaching emotionally from ex was the first big step that needed to happen before everything started working right for our boys.

[yeeter]

what it really boils down to is i am bitter and i'll tell you why.



I just feel like she screwed me over and continues to use me at her will and I hate it. I hate it.

This sounds very honest.  Can you separate your relationship with your daughter, from the anger and bitterness?  Otherwise you are just using your daughter as a pawn to do battle with your ex.  Not healthy for anyone

Then you are going to have to start working on dissolvingthe anger.  Otherwise, over time, it will eat you up.  (because you are in this relationship as a coparent forthe rest of your life).  Consider thus work necessary to maintain a long term relationship with your daughter.

Fact is, it's a LOT of work for men to remain in their children's life to any significant degree after divorce.  And many of them give up, given the constant hurdles.  You are going to have to become determined if you want to be there in the long run - which includes tackling your own demons of bitterness and resentment.

[Justadude]

you hit that on the nail.

after some considerable thought, i did not lash out or do anything to make any situation worse. instead i simply agreed and said cool. she offered to allow our daughter to spend the night. so it looks like additional time for me so im going to take it. i already determined that i was just going to make the best of the time together with the addition.

i am working on my resentment and issues. its hard man. its so hard and so uncertain. i'll do my best and be the best person i can be.

[yeeter]

. she offered to allow our daughter to spend the night. so it looks like additional time for me so im going to take it.

.

This is awesome.  Enjoy every single minute of it.  Stay in the moment, and make the most of it.




I will add one more thing.  Having a positive male role model in a child's life, has significant and lasting benefits to them.  Every piece of the hard work that you do, DOES make a difference to your daughter.       

[DreamGirl]

you hit that on the nail.

after some considerable thought, i did not lash out or do anything to make any situation worse. instead i simply agreed and said cool. she offered to allow our daughter to spend the night. so it looks like additional time for me so im going to take it. i already determined that i was just going to make the best of the time together with the addition.

i am working on my resentment and issues. its hard man. its so hard and so uncertain. i'll do my best and be the best person i can be.

That is so great!

I'm glad that you were able to separate it and not get fired up.

Good lawdy do I know how hard that is when the kiddos are involved. 

[ForeverDad]

To a large extent she will do or not do whatever she wants.  Yes, you can improve in your communication skills, control your emotional responses and temper better, etc.  It may very well make things easier between the two of you.  But you can't count on it.  In the final analysis, she will still do or not do whatever she wants... .  unless there's a clear court order that outlines the parenting schedule, holiday schedule, vacation rules, financial details, who is the Residential Parent, etc.

What you DO have control over is you and your responses.  That generally means you have to learn how to have firm boundaries and a lot of that is not about her but about YOU.  Knowing that she doesn't behave normally and generally overreacts, a boundary could be that you don't get upset and say things that get bad reactions and overreactions.  A boundary that you don't let whatever she says or does harm your relationship with your child.  And so on.  It means not being an appeaser too.  Appeasing often feeds the sense of entitlement and gives her even more control over you.

[Rose Tiger]

I remember when my teen was little and I was dealing with his inconsideration of me and the kiddo.  I had a spiral notebook that I would mark the date and what transpired.  By writing it out, I was able to let it go for the time being until the next time he irritated me.  Then I'd make another entry.  Once I wrote it out, I stopped ruminating about it.  It was like ok, it's written down so I don't need to think about it anymore.  Journaling was so helpful during that time.