Contact after 6 weeks

[dragonfly13]

ARRRGGGHHH... .  just when I thought I could move on ... .  he texted to wish me a happy new year and tell me he "luvs" me ... .  then called and asked about getting together so we can really talk.

Am super anxious.  Want to see him - love him ya' know... .  also want to get some idea of what's going on (know I won't) ... .  but am freaking out ... .  not sure if I want him to tell me he's moving on ... .  or declare his "undying" love (until the next silent treatment).

Help!

[ExTreme]

dragonfly-

Which one initiated N or L contact?

[RedCandle]

I've been in this position multiple times. Currently, we are 2 weeks NC. But we've gone as much as 7.

The contact fills you with hope.

In my case, he was a kitten for the first few days... .  before things turned.

I hope your situation turns out differently! Best of luck. It can be mind-bending, I know.

[Washisheart]

I just got off 2.5 weeks of NC also. I cant even bring myself to try to be excited. I am so over the BS but now he swears he is "going to make it up to me." I was almost ready to move on. I was going to move, change my number & move my finally at peace behind to the detaching board.

Its horrible because they get you to the point where all the hurt & disappointment has left you numb, or if you actually just don't love them anymore.

[mitchell16]

I wish you luck. I have been in this postion so many times I have lost count. we are currentley not talking, I guess I can say it was my decision. She sent a text after two days NC and I didnt respond to the text. I havent heard a sound from her in about 6 days. But we have been NC contact as long as 5 weeks before. The last time I had hit my limit with the lying, munipilation, rude, selfish behavior. I walked away. I told her I was done and didnt want her to call me. Of course she blew my phone up, drove to my house, threaten sucide and of course promised everything would be better and she now knew what her mistake was and relized how much I meant to her. Of course these were all the right words to say. Needless to say I was recycle once more. Lasted about about 2 months. but I started walking on pin and needle about a month ago becuase she had a death in her family and I could see her struggles daily. Then about 2 weeks ago the rude behavuor started, with holding sex, vague text messages, short response, stopped answer my calls. Then boom It happened again. So I wish you luck and hope for the best but I have had seats to this show so many times and It has not change one bit in two years.

[dragonfly13]

He initiated the NC -- and didn't respond to my texts for 5 days before I just gave up contacting him.  He was supposed to phone today to coordinate the time to meet up ... .  it's now 2;15 and haven't heard anything ... .  perhaps he's gone silent again -- after getting me to agree to see him.  I feel like screaming... .  so crazy making.  Need to detach ... .  got to figure out why the draw is so strong when it's so crazy making! 

[mitchell16]

dragonfly13 I sorry your are having to go through this. I think this is alot of passive/aggressive behavior. Mine would do the same thing. We would be planing a trip, I would be looking forward to it. Mine would start a fight about a week out, tell me didnt know if she was going on the trip and then lead me to beleive that we was going and at the last minute tell me something like I couldnt go becasue her family didnt want me there. Of course I would be all sad and she would was off having a good time and I was sitting home alone wondering. This has happened numrous times over other sititions. Going to the movies with her and her friends, family functions of all sorts. Its almost like the get pleasure out of hurting us.

[dragonfly13]

Mine got to the train station and then -- because of my "offensive behaviour" -- decided he wasn't going to come with me and he was going to walk home (200 miles!).  I actually engaged in trying to convince him to come with me (like he was ever going to not come!).   

[dragonfly13]

OMG ... .  so he was supposed to call --- to arrange time for meeting and didn't.  I didn't contact him ... .  he was the one who wanted to get together to talk.  SERIOUSLY?  I'm not supposed to take this personally, right?  This is the disorder, really?  I was ready to move ahead without him and now I'm right back in the angst of WHY WHY WHY?  Am I the crazy one?  I'm starting to think so. 

How does pushing us away a symptom of someone who is afraid of abandonment?  I don't get that.  It would appear that they are happy to mess with someone's heart / head without a care in the world ... .  and

speaking completely personally ... .  that it's me that is afraid of abandonment and would do anything to re-connect with him... .  regardless of the pain that he continues to cause me.  I'm recognizing my co-dependent "tendencies" ... .  (understatement).

Can anyone relate?  I seriously feel like I am going mad. 

[Washisheart]

That's the crumbs they throw you to keep you thinking about them. They don't want to commit but they don't want to lose you 100% either. So this crumb gets you thinking about them to trigger emotions so you don't forget about them.

Ignore his attempts to contact you. It will drive him nuts, then he'll be the one obsessing about you

[dragonfly13]

Its horrible because they get you to the point where all the hurt & disappointment has left you numb, or if you actually just don't love them anymore.

Wow - I would so love to get to the point where I don't love him anymore.  Yes, it would be sad to have lost him ... .  but i can only dream about the peace that would bring me.

[Oneneatguy]

Dragonfly,

You may never get to the point where you don't love him anymore, but it might be healthier to move on.

The whole NC thing is very difficult.  I have been divorced 7 months, initially i was hopeful of a reconciliation.  I have come to realize that although I love my ex, and always will that our relationship was very unhealthy and more of an addiction.  I found the courage to tell my ex I want NC.  I know I am vulnerable and that NC is for my well being.

Interestingly, she  has started to initiate contact,  I have kept my stance NC.  I know she is with someone else and how that is going to end, I don't want her coming back to me.

Not sure who said it but I agree that pwBPD like to keep you on the hook, they want to see others and keep us around  as a safety net.

Hopefully you will be able to move on from this relationship to one that is healthier and happier.

Good luck

[dragonfly13]

Thanks Oneneatguy!  That's where I was headed - I had told myself that I could love him and wish him well but know that this r/s wasn't good for ME.  I was committed to that approach until the phone rang!  Perhaps this happened as a reminder that - although contact might be initiated that nothing has changed.  I just need to be more supportive of my own decisions.  thanks again -

[Oneneatguy]

It's difficult,

I told my ex I wanted nc a few weeks ago, I saw her today and wouldn't engage her in any conversation.  She said hello, I could hear the anger and frustration in her voice.

[Washisheart]

I didn't think I could get over him.

But honestly I don't know how I feel right now. He is sitting across from me on the other couch right now and I swear I hate him. this man knows how to work nerves I didn't even know I had. Ugh!

I think if he left again I would be ready to call it quits for the long haul.

[Elsegundo]

Mine has been wanting to meet up and then either canceling at the last minute, or not following through, but then re-engaging and giving moments of real sharing.  I think it's that she's got conflicting feelings about me.  Love-hate, trigger-solace.  You know the drill.

I have to say that at this point, I'm so irritated that I don't care why. 

But the constructive part of my brain wants you to consider if yours is conflicted too.  Maybe that doesn't change anything, but perhaps with some of the communication tools you can try to ask.

[dragonfly13]

Likely some conflicted thinking going on.

6 weeks silent treatment

New Years Eve - texted greetings and "luv"

Thursday - Called + wanted to get together on Friday after work.  He's missed me and cares for me.  After much deliberation I agreed.  he said he would call Friday to arrange details.

Friday - he didn't call or respond to phone.

Saturday 5pm - he called and left message apologizing about missing our visit.  Said he had flu and told me he loved me ... .  let's get together soon.  Sunday won't work ... .  busy Monday during day.  I  decided not to respond.

Sunday - I finally gave in and texted (now regret it) a little hello.  he read  text.  No response.

Monday - No response.  Wish now I hadn't answered text on NY Eve, call on Thursday and not responded to text.  :'(