question about love and respect

[GreenTea]

First, let me preface this by saying that I'm aware that this is secular board, but for those of you who are familiar with the books like Love and Respect, The Love Dare, The Respect Dare, etc. Do they work with people with BPD? I know that it can't hurt, but does it come down to the fact that the disorder skews reality no matter what? Are they unable to look at the motives of other people's hearts because their perception or reception is so clouded with their own reality? I'm still trying to learn, and really am seriously at my end (of course, I've been at my end for 2 years now... .  so who knows where my real END actually is!  ). Thanks in advance for any insight!

[Validation78]

Hi GreenTea!

I am familiar with these books and many books written from a Bible based approach to relationships and life in general. In fact, when I realized that my marriage was in trouble, those were the types of resources I sought out first. I thought I had typical problems, and that the advice offered in such programs would be the solution. I certainly have gotten a lot out of the readings, and have worked hard to apply some of the concepts, which I have found comforting, yet not quite enough to really solve the problem. They helped me to be more empathetic, and to rely on my faith to learn more about BPD and to look more to God for patience, love and support. The fact still remains, that BPD is a mental illness that we need to understand, and apply different rules and skills to live with. I do see some crossover theology though. One that comes to mind is being judgmental. In DBT, we learn how not to take a judgmental stance, and I remember reading about that in The Respect Dare.

My suggestion to you is to read everything you can get your hands on, and to combine the faith based with the practical tools we learn here. Focusing on the faith based lessons alone will not be enough in a BPD relationship, IMHO, and you may find that combining the two will not only bring you peace, it will also improve your marriage. If you're in the same mindset as me, you want to know, because of your faith, that you've done everything in your power to make the marriage work before you make any decisions to end it. Have you tried using the tools we talk about on the staying board?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Lady31]

Green Tea,

I know what you mean here.  I read a lot of those books too.  Both of you are correct, if we were dealing with normal marital issues here and not someone who is mentally and spiritually ill, that would do the trick.

Boundaries in Marriage is the BEST book I have read thus far.  Still a christian approach, but deals with more serious issues like we face & abuse.  By Cloud & Townsend I think.  It helped me the most.  Really good!

Hope this helps!

[GreenTea]

Thanks for responding Val and Lady31!  This is also what I've been told before "if it were a normal marriage with normal marital issues." I guess the last bricks in my wall of denial have crumbled. I do have the Boundaries in Marriage book. And I agree Lady31, it IS very helpful. It's something I am continuously working on. Grrrrrr... .  

I guess for me, I have been consumed with trying to make this marriage work for so many years now. Yes, there is emotional/verbal abuse, and I have read up on abusive relationships/alcoholism, depression, how to teach them how to love you, etc. I've been to counselors. I do want a clear conscious that I have tried everything before I take drastic measures, like you said Val78.  Yet I'm STILL HERE. Does that make me co-dependent? He has been diagnosed with depression but refuses to admit it or do anything about it. I brought up again a couple of months ago and got a rage episode and then the silent treatment. I just recently (3/4 months ago) stumbled across BPD, and so many traits fit him. I am literally exhausted and to continue to do one more thing, especially when there is no visible effort on his end... .