Are there ways to recover optimism and happyness?

[Survive2012]

Dear Friends,

Once more, I come to this board to ask for advice... .  

Normally, I am a VERY optimistic person. During the last three years, since when our son started to feel bad, I have never lost hope. Now too, I still grab to a tiny little, microscopic piece of hope but I feel so sad. All the day, and during the night, this sadness is like an envelop. It dulls life, it wipes away happyness and joy. My optimism has left for easier shores.

Please, I know there are rituals to grieve the loss of what our loved one was, but are there also other skills you use?

I notice some of you even recovered their sense of humor... .  how did you make it?

Survive

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[determined NMS]

Aw survive have a   from me. Sounds like you are at a really low ebb today. I can only tell you the things that have made me start to feel better (as you know from my thread I have literally only in the last week considered my dd has a BPD). I have started to build a life that doesn't revolve around my dd. I am starting to have my own thoughts and feels about me. I can try to help my dd if she needs and asks for my help but I cannot anticipate her needs and abuse myself by ignoring mine.

In short I am learning to stop being codependent. I read "codependent no more" by melody Beattie and it has changed my life.

I loved a quote in the randi Krueger book yesterday which said something along the lines of "the BPD person is on their own life journey now. The therapist can help her with it but can't get too involved"

How much of yesterday was spent thing about your life and needs? This is really what you need to do to start getting your hope and optimism back. I hope that helps x

[Survive2012]

Thank you, Determined NMS,

I had a look at the book by Melodie Beattie. I will read it.

I am trying to take care of myself, but it is very difficult to let a 15 yo drown in front of you without being fully involved in the attempt to save him!

He is making all the choices that will lead him to failure, and yet he still has all the opportunities !

Today I really feel down.

Survive

[determined NMS]

Gosh survive totally! Sorry my comments were in no way glib or a critics, sorry if it came across like that, not my intention at all. My dd is now 19 and no longer lives with me. Se is definitely less crazy than she was at 15. How I survived those times    things do get better with time and natural maturity, so try to hold on to that and also some of the messages from others who have got to a more peaceful place are helpful to me. Like walking away when the anger is crazy to a safe place for yourself. Having a suicide plan developed with your ds when he is calm and then sticking to that plan. It is hell and you are going through crazy and difficult times, so even more important for you to take a little mental space for yourself. You will feel better for it I promise.

Funny I was just having a conversation with my partner feeling angry at child services that they didn't consider she had a disability and offered me and her some support. How she has been discriminated against but me, her family, social services, hospitals. Like there are a couple of times when I have taken her to hospital as she overdosed and the nurse needed to take some blood and it took hours for them to get her to allow the needle. Everyone was so frustrated by her craziness that the nurses were saying "even 4 years old act more grown up". So even in the hell you are going through maybe with validation things can start to get a little better x

[Esperança_Hope]

Dearest Survive,

I know your pain, i feel also the same. My DS is 31 y/o... .  and , believe me, it´s a great grace to you know the dx before me. If i knew when he was 15 , for sure things  would had been better.

As i told you about rituals, after reading Valerie Porr i realized rituals are an opportunity  for us to acknowledge our conflicting feelings  , the hidden feelings... .  we need this kind off rite the passage. So, we can transpose our pain, isolation...

Ithink it´s better if you find a group. Here in Bahia i can´t,,so i do it with myself, my non-dd, my dh... a close friend. People who love DS31 and , in a way are grieving too...

I suppose you´re in Italy? Is there anything like TARA there? Maybe you can read this link and  it can help you.

Tara

www.tara4BPD.org/dyn/index.php

[Survive2012]

Dear NMS, Dear Esperança,

Well, I didn't think your comments and advice were criticism, NMS, I really feel the empathy you have!And your advice is very useful to me. I was just explaining how difficult it is to make a step back when your kid is still 15 and you feel you should fight for him to get back his normal life. I appreciate your message very very much, as I find all your posts very helpful.

Esperança, I take example on you and try to understand how you did manage to get good success with your dear son. In Italy we do not have TARA support groups, nor other groups as far as I know.

Thank you both for your care and support. I don't know why, today is a bad day for me and, although the sun is shining over Italy, my heart is in darkness... .  

Survive

[Esperança_Hope]

Dear Survive,

It´s tough sometimes, i know.

These days when you are so, so sad. What to do? Accept our emotions, recognise them... .  and struggle. Pray, study... .  take care of ourselves. You´re 16 years in advance, dear. I´m going step by step... DS is getting better but maybe my expectations are lower than yours.

Your DS is only 15 y/o. There is a  bright long road in front of you two. Keep walking ( sometimes with a johnnie walker´s night cup  

Love you

[Reality]

Survive,

Of course, your heart is in darkness.  Your son is not doing well.  He is troubled.  You and your husband are very concerned about him.  Your son's behavior is out of control.  He hits you.  Your feelings are normal considering the situation.  

Your feelings are important to notice.  What are your feelings telling you?   What are you thinking?  It is very important for you to acknowledge your own reality.  You are intelligent, wise and you are a good mother, obviously.  What does your older son think?  Have you talked to him about your concerns for your 15 year old son?

Trust your self.  Trust your Wise Mind.  Your situation is difficult.  

There are ways to change the family dynamics.  It takes a while to figure them out, so go very easy on yourself.

The discussion on boundaries is so important and a little tricky to understand.  It sounds like you are considering your values and the boundaries to put in place your core values.  It is a lot of work to make that progress.  Maybe you are cognitively exhausted by the new thinking.

Having a child, who is not maturing / behaving appropriately is not what you expected.  :)o your friends understand and help you with your situation?  How are you supported?  

Reality

[determined NMS]

I hope you found some happiness in your day Survive. Remember life won't send you more than you can cope with x

[heronbird]

It does totally consume you, I found that I was completely consumed by it. Yes it was worse under 18, its a lot easier now.

I was more responsible under 18 it was my job to make sure she came home at night, not get drunk and worry about her taking drugs.

I still care but she does not live here so I walk past her room at 4am and dont get upset if her door is open because she didnt come back.

I cant tell her she needs to be home by midnight like when she was 14. I never thought I would have a girl like this. Thats probably why it hits you worse if you know what I mean.

Do you ever watch supernanny and see how those young kids act? I never had that, maybe if I did, I may of expected that.

If I had asked the same question as you two years ago, I would not of believed it if anyone said it can get better, in fact when Ps used to say that I used to just think, yes for others, not us

I have to say, it does get different, maybe not perfect but ok ish.

I read somewhere its good to be like a good tennis player, ready for the ball? which way will it come, but we have to be ready.

You have to have good stuff for you, when you are ready, I started with the small stuff, I kept my job and my dance class, I had to give up lots of other things. Then I accepted, this is my life, stop eating massive cakes to make me feel better, loose weight and I did for a while. But the best thing I ever did was buy 2 gorgeous kittens, and I love them so much, they take the focus off my dd.

When times were so so very hard, I tried to remember I have other children too, they are all doing fantastically and we all are close. Because, you know, I really nearly lost dd. And when I didnt loose her I nearly never saw her again because she wanted to live on the streets. She just went and I couldnt do anything.

Sorry its so long, hope you are better and remember things do get better.

Get some kittens haha

[griz]

Survive:  I can feel your pain when I read your post because mostly that is where I am.  I try very hard to find happiness but I am mostly sad.  Some people tell me that I am very funny at work but they don't know that I use my humor to disguise my heartache.  I try to do somethings for myself though even if I have to force myself.  This morning I woke up and felt that deep heaviness knowing that I had to go through another day.  I wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep.  I did cry a little but I forced myself up and went to the gym.  I didn't want to go and I forced myself the whole drive there but once I got there I started to talking to a woman next to me on the elliptical.  We didn't talk about anything important, started with how cold it was out and then just some idle chit chat after that.  Before I knew if 45 minutes had past that I hadn't been focused on DD or how much I wish my life was different. 

I try to do little things like this to give myself a little break.  I also find it useful if I do things that make me interact with others.  When I am alone, like taking the dog for a long walk or going for a walk I find I only focus on how sad I am.

Can you make any time for yourself?  Is there anything that your son and you both like to do that maybe you could do together.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Survive2012]

Dear Friends,

Thank you so much for your support anf for sharing your emotions.

Yesterday afternoon I went for a long walk (Reality, you know who I thought of !), met people and also went to the cinema. It helped me not to focus on my son.

Unfortunately, he doesn't want to do anything with us, so I can never involve him in some nice activity.

Yes, I guess it gets better (as far as the guilt sense is concerned) when they are over 18. On the one hand, I have to fight trying to get him some professional help (he doesn't want to go, but they will try to meet him anyway), on the other hand I mustn't focus on him all the time... .  

I have a dog, I go to the gym, I meet people and I have good friends. With friends I can share SOMETHING, not everything, because I want to protect my 15yo from exclusion. People tend to be afraid when something in the head is not working well and I want other teens to continue coming around to play whith my son.

 

Survive