Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:42:11 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Does anyone else here have a ds/dd in jail?  (Read 808 times)
cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« on: January 05, 2013, 02:33:49 PM »

I don't hear too much about it on this board but I was wondering if anyone else has had experience with this.  How did you get through it?  How did it affect your pwBPD... .  are they better or worse.  Are they still in jail and if not where did they go when they got out?  How are they now?

There is a site called Prison Talk and I checked it out but it didn't feel like the right fit.

Any thoughts?  Thanks.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
lovesjazz
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 301


« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2013, 07:01:44 PM »

Cfh

I think we emailed before, but our ds was in jail for a year and I think it didhim a world of good. He got on meds and got counseling. The jail diversion section(I contacted nami in the state he was in) got him into a mission where he got food and housing and as of now, is doing well and working for them. He is also involved with spiritual counseling.

Did you contact the NAMI  where he is and tell them he is in jail? Stay on top of them and they will help
Logged
lovesjazz
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 301


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2013, 07:04:48 PM »

I also took the family to family course through namI that helped me a lot. I am now a teacher of the course and learn so much with each person I meet in the class. I run a support group through our church with families who have a mental illness in the family.
Logged
cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2013, 07:12:41 PM »

We took Family to Family and I recommend it to everyone.  We are about to start the Family Connections course next week.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I was a volunteer on the NAMI Helpline and I'm going to be trained to teach F-F in the summer.
Logged
Reality
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1102


« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2013, 07:42:58 PM »

cfh and lovesjazz,

You are both so cool!  I am so amazed at how you are working to help others.  WOW!

Reality
Logged
doubleAries
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 1134


the key to my destiny is me


« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2013, 07:50:42 PM »

My youngest son (diagnosed ASPD) just turned 26 years old. He has spent 90% of his adult life (after 18) in prison. He goes to jail sometimes, gets in trouble in jail, goes to prison, gets in trouble in prison and goes to maximum security facilities. He writes me letters in prison lingo, telling me how great everything is going. He believes he is being "railroaded" and "singled out" and "picked on". And if he beat the crap out of someone and that's what landed him in trouble, well, that guy deserved it, so once again, he's being picked on. When he gets out and is on parole, his first priority is to find a girlfriend. And he always manages to find a violent BPD. And he's in love--until he's not (or goes back to prison). He fails drug tests but it's not his fault of course--the test was faulty. Or the person administering it is "out to get" him. He was adopted (long ugly story) when he was 3 and was raised by a BPD and her husband, who is a multiple felon, including having spent time in prison for murdering his brother (lit him on fire). We only got back in contact when he turned 18. I want to establish a relationship with him, but all his in and out of jail/prison is a pretty big distraction. Since none of it is his fault, he doesn't need help. He's gone through anger management, therapy, CBT, medications, etc, etc, etc, and none of it seems to have helped. I'm at a loss. He's currently out of prison--for the last 4 months. he's never gone longer than 5 months before he's in trouble again. I never know what's going on, because he always tells me how great everything is going--then he's in jail again. Not his fault, though, of course.

Sigh... .  I have no idea what to do. I just try to accept that he is a criminal (he's told me before in a lettr from prison that he thinks he's a "master criminal" and I asked "then how come you keep ending up in jail?" and that just made him angry--obviously, i'm not listening. It's because everyone is out to get him.) I don't give him money. And it hasn't done any good to lecture. I don't ask too many probing questions, because he responds with lies. We seem to get along better when I just let him be who he wants to be, even though it pains me greatly.
Logged

We must come to know we are more than anyone's opinion--including our own
cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2013, 08:09:46 PM »

doublearies

Wow, I can relate to everything you said in your post! Did you adopt ds at age 3 or place him for adoption?  We adopted our ds29 and he definitely feels that "the world is out to get him" which in his mind is why he always gets in trouble.  So many similarities. Our ds doesn't think he needs help either.  But he abuses his RX meds when he is on probation and his drug tests are all clean because they are prescribed by a doctor. When he takes his meds as prescribed he doesn't get in trouble as much... .  but once he starts messing around with dosages we get the phone call that he's in big trouble.  So hard to know if and when to let go.

Thanks for telling your story.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2013, 10:32:38 PM »

My stepson is 34 and has 2 1/2 years left to do on a 7-year sentence.  He was 18 when I married his mom.  Later I found out he had been abused as a child and had begun to drink at 12, then meth a few years later.  He was never clean and sober til his late 20s.  3 DUIs in 5 years is a felony, so he went to prison for 4 months and that affected him a lot, but he relapsed when he got out - jail - rehab - did OK for a short time - relapsed - jail - rehab.

Then as he was finishing his 2nd six-month stint in rehab - which helped him a lot - he was charged with serious stuff that supposedly happened many years before.  He took a plea agreement - his lawyer told him he would only get time served - and went to prison.

Now he's been clean and sober 4 years and he's very honest.  My younger kids look up to him - he's their hero.  We write letters, he calls once a week, and we visit when we can.  Our support has made a huge difference - he says he doesn't think he could have made it through this without his family's support.  I'm very concerned about what will happen when he gets out - how he'll be able to make a living, for a start.

It's his mom that has BPD, but he was very affected by it.  She treated him very inconsistently when he was little, and then pretty much ignored him when his younger sister was born.  They moved a lot - almost every year - so he had no long-term friends or other adults in his life.  Self-esteem is a huge issue for him.  He picked up some BPDish behaviors from her but he's mostly past those now.

For me it's been really hard.  He went to prison right about the same time my mom died, and my marriage ended about then too.  I went into deep depression.  Counseling helped.  Now I'm more careful not to get sucked too much into my son's life;  I still give him consistent support but I do better about focusing on other stuff and keeping some distance.
Logged

qcarolr
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married to DH since 1976
Posts: 4926



WWW
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2013, 10:57:04 PM »

DD26 has been in jail a few times for minor things - 3 days for DUI that she did plea deal for, 3 days for camping ticket fines while homeless. I did not bail her out of either of these situations - opened an inmate calling account so she could call my cell phone.

She was in jail for assualt when I got restraining order - I just could not take any more. She had made serious threats against us before she left that night and we feared a friend would bail her out. We did not want to bail her out. She believed in her innocence - self defense - and wanted to go to trial, but accepted a plea to get out of jail for 65 days time served. Her letters from this jail time were very angry and dysregulated - aimed all the blame on me. I can understand this now - she felt totally abandoned by everyone.

A year into her homlessness, after we had dropped RO, she did 30 days in jail. This one was a very bad experience, she struggled to fill out the right forms to get what she needed. I refused to pay for her DUI probation - she was unable to work, had not address,  so could not do the required monitoring and classes. SHe blew my support with this probation the prior year when I was paying and driving her to appts and she was out doing drugs with her friends. This is what led to this jail time to finish the DUI conviction.

I do believe her when she says she cannot manage the system in jail and no one cares. She blames this on her right-brain NVLD. I think she also has a real attitude that interferes as well. She has a one year jail sentence hanging over her if she fails her current DWAI probation of 24-48 months. This is a long time to stay out of trouble and do all the stuff asked of her. I hope she stays out of jail - but will take her phone calls, put money in her commissary account weekly, maybe visit, ask her if she has received any mental health services or if she is doing any of the drug classes while there (she still has to do these even after jail sentence completed).

If I could go back with the validation and boundary skills I am practicing now, would I have done things differently, esp. with the homeless time? Would depend on how she was responding - if she was doing her probation, being respectful in our home, etc etc etc  No way to know - she was younger and more volatile then. But maybe she grew up a lot being homeless and having to survive on her own.

She still blames me for making her homeless and messing up her life. My answer now is "you were doing drugs instead of probation, you were threatening us all including gd (age 4 then), I did not know what else to do".  She mostly gets quiet after this and walks away.

qcr  

Logged

The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
qcarolr
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married to DH since 1976
Posts: 4926



WWW
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2013, 11:09:39 PM »

DD on probation seems serious about using the rx meds to manage her life, and not to get by on monitoring for drug abuse. She still would get tagged for the pot use, this is the one drug she cannot get a substitute rs for. Her pdoc (NP) last week said - no way - on synthetic THC.

Now my 'SIL' A, gd's daddy. He is the one that cycles through jail since he was 18. More antisocial than other PD's - very charismatic con guy. Haven't had a call from him for some time. He usually calls when he is out on probation, he never checks in with PO and just waits to get picked up again. Often creates some probelm so gets into solitary - he prefers to not be around others. He is always released into a rehab program - he always walks away after 1-2 days. I hear that meth is the drug of choice these days for him and his brothers that are now living nearby in CA. Am grateful he is out of state. Gd does not ask about him much anymore - has little memory of him. He was in/out of her life first six months, then a brief period from 18 - 20 months. I think his mom sends him packages, and know his dad and step-mom tried to help him last summer. He messed that up on a meth high at a family gathering.

I hate these drugs - HATE THEM. Our kids struggle enough with their brains already. So very sad about the attraction to self-medicate with these out of control substances. Have given up most of my hope for recovery for A (age 30). Holding onto hope for DD. This is all I can do.

qcr  
Logged

The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2013, 07:56:27 AM »

Thanks for all these helpful replies. I hate the drugs too but I understand why my ds uses them to cope.  He told me that if he could have only one drug for the rest of his life it would be pot.  He says it's the only thing that makes him feel normal.  I believe him because I've seen him after he's smoked and he functions on a much higher level.  But it's illegal, it's playing with fire and he's too drawn to drugs. 

Every time he's gotten into serious trouble it has been because he was been non compliant with his meds.  He's been drug tested for the past year and he always passes them because they are all RX's but you can still abuse them.  Instead of taking them everyday he would save them up and take a bunch at once.  Then he would get high and make dumb choices.

He's changed a lot over the past year but he still thinks the world is out to get him and he's always scared so that interferes with everything.  Frontal lobe impairment really complicates things too. But he's much more loving with us, tells us that we have always been there for him through all the bad times and hopes that someday he will have a life he is proud of.

He's not BSing us either, I know the difference.  We get lots of letters and he seems to have gained some insight and he is getting MH services and meds so his mood is regulated.  His anxiety has lessened because he knows he can't mess up and the structure helps him.  So he's thinking more clearly.

My fear now is not that he is in jail.  We think he might get a year at most. The court instead may just extend his probation. And they may let him move back to his home state with us.  That's not going to work for me I can't have him living with us again.

Until he really commits to dealing with his drug problem it's going to be very hard for him to stay out of trouble.  He needs rehab but he has been in so many and each time was kicked out.  He self medicates for a reason and he needs help with that.  He needs treatment for BPD but nothing will help until he faces his issue with drug abuse.  We may have to draw a line in the sand residential treatment/rehab or jail.

We also set up the phone account and talk every few days, put money in the commissary and I send him lots of books. I had a great visit with him and we will visit again when we can.

We could bail him out but decided he's safer in jail.  We probably won't know his sentence for a couple of months.

Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
lovesjazz
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 301


« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2013, 08:57:49 AM »

Doubleaires,

Sounds a lot like our son too. Patterns that continue. Being involved with nami, they are trying to stop the revolving door of jail, getting out, and back in jail again.  The structure is so important to BPDs. The mission our son went to right from jail has so far worked for him. He is highly intelligent and they have givenhim a job within their organization that taps into his strong points.  For now this is working. He has been out of jail and at the mission for 5 months. We also don't ask many questions as he lies  so much. Had we bailed him out,  or had him come back home,

I'm sure the pattern would have repeated. We did put money while he was in jail into an account for telephone calls to US. But that was it. We now hear from him weekly... .  
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2013, 09:59:39 AM »

We may have to draw a line in the sand residential treatment/rehab or jail.

My son was in residential treatment twice, six months each.  A very good place near our home, so I was able to take part in their weekly "Family Group", where students and their families all met together with a staff member.  That helped us learn about how the addiction affects the family, and how the family contributes to the addiction.  It's easier to see something in another family than in your own.

One thing I learned was that what is most effective is jail then residential treatment.  Going directly from jail to residential treatment - under the court's order - gives the addict more motivation - he sees it as "clean up or back to jail", which it is, since he's on probation.  Addicts who come from their homes, and can return back to their homes, aren't always as successful.

Residential treatment definitely can work if the addict is motivated and if there is funding for at least a few months.  30 days isn't enough.  It's critical that the treatment isn't just for the behavior (drugs) but also gets to the underlying issues, which usually go back to the addict's early life.  Ideally that means diagnosing any other disorders like BPD - which may require that there is a psychologist on staff - but at least it means the staff knows how to peel away the layers of the onion to understand the root causes of the addiction and help the addict understand them.  "Just say no" can work for someone who's never used drugs, but by the time addiction has taken taken root, it's too late for that.
Logged

MammaMia
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1098



« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2013, 03:01:12 PM »

My 38 year old ds has been in and out of jail for alcohol-related issues since he was 19.  He ended up with a mandatory 48 month prison sentence for felony DUI in 2006.  It saved his life.  That is where he FINALLY got counselling and was diagnosed as BPD with schizo-affective disorder, ptsd, and anxiety as well as alcoholism.

We were talking about it the other night, and he told me most of the people he served time with are back in prison or on the run.  He has been sober 6 1/2 years (thank God) and now understands how being BPD fueled his alcoholism.

He said people return to incarceration over and over because they feel safe there.  Being in the real world is very frightening for someone with BPD and/or mental illness... .  so many expectations from others. In jail or prison, there needs are met without having to try to find and keep a job. They get therapy.  They are protected from others.  But most importantly, EVERYONE is on a level playing field.  EVERYONE is the same.  No one judges ... .  first, because they do not care, and second, because they do not want others to judge them.

This is very sad but it makes perfect sense.  As a felon, he is now struggling with finding a job, taking care of himself, and dealing with the stigma of BPD.  He says life would just be much easier if he was back in prison.
Logged
qcarolr
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married to DH since 1976
Posts: 4926



WWW
« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2013, 03:27:00 PM »

He said people return to incarceration over and over because they feel safe there.  Being in the real world is very frightening for someone with BPD and/or mental illness... .  so many expectations from others. In jail or prison, there needs are met without having to try to find and keep a job. They get therapy.  They are protected from others.  But most importantly, EVERYONE is on a level playing field.  EVERYONE is the same.  No one judges ... .  first, because they do not care, and second, because they do not want others to judge them.

This is very sad but it makes perfect sense.  As a felon, he is now struggling with finding a job, taking care of himself, and dealing with the stigma of BPD.  He says life would just be much easier if he was back in prison.

mammamia - I have experienced this with most of my DD26's bfs. She has so far missed being in jail for long sentence, though is risking a one year sentence for DWAI as she is ignoring her probation the past 3 weeks! I have to let go of this outcome.

I see so many of her friends that are homeless or with limited family contact - their legal and credit records keep them from moving forward in their lives -- so many of them just give up. End up doing lots of small crimes to survive or deal drugs to survive. I can see mental illness under many of the addictive behaviors when they spend time in our home with DD.

For me, it is a social failures linked with economic failures. Wish for answers to this bigger question - don't see anywhere in our global environment. As seen from the many locations of members here, similar troubles can be found everywhere. Have to keep focusing on the small scale I do have an impact on - my home and those that are touched by members of my family. By my modeling new ways of reacting, thinking, challenging, VALIDATING... .  

By continuing to learn new ways of communication and practicing them... .  

By continuing to find ways to take care of myself to remain focused, healthy, and finding some joy in each day.

Am cheerleading today - for myself here as well as for all of you.

qcr  
Logged

The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. (Dom Helder)
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2013, 03:41:48 PM »

For me, it is a social failures linked with economic failures. Wish for answers to this bigger question - don't see anywhere in our global environment.

I think there is a big answer here, but not one that will ever be addressed by politics.  I think you're right - the solutions are in our homes and families.

The big answer is "boys need fathers."

Of course girls need good parenting too.  But most crimes are done by young men, and most young men who go to jail don't have good fathers in their lives.

My son went to rehab, and I got to meet many other students and their families.  Lots of good people, but almost all the young men there had big problems related to their fathers.

In prison, very few young men have good fathers.  My own son was raised only by his mom, who has BPD, and they moved often, so he had no strong connection with any man.  He felt rejected by his biodad, and very angry and ashamed about that.

Lots of the problems that we connect to poverty and racial differences are really about fatherless boys.  Boys who grow up poor but with good fathers do almost as well as boys who are better off financially, but boys in better neighborhoods who don't have fathers are at high risk just like lower-income kids.  Same for race - boys of all races who have fathers usually do well, but boys of all races without fathers are at high risk.

Fatherless boys are much more likely to have substance abuse problems, psychological disorders, etc.  Much more likely to go to jail and to be unable to support themselves.  Much more likely to be in abusive relationships.  You name it - every one of society's big social problems are closely related to fatherless boys.

But I don't think the answer will come from politics or any other global source.  I think it comes down to each of us to find ways to break that pattern in our own families - make sure each child (girls too of course!) has the parenting he or she needs.  That's all I can do, and I think it's enough!
Logged

MammaMia
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1098



« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2013, 05:02:32 PM »

Boys need fathers but bad role models can be worse than no father.  My exh and I were divorced when our son was 15.  He was alcoholic, abusive, and the children were terrified of him.  When trouble arose, he always told me ... .  "they are your kids, you wanted them. You take care of them".  He proceeded to absent himself from our lives because he had many things he wanted to do... .  all about him.  He would drop by for Christmas... .  that was about it.  He lived 30 miles away.  No birthdays, no fishing trips, no phone calls to either child... .  nothing.

Oh yes, he played the perfect loving father when he had an audience.  Other than that... .  he had no interest.  Some men are not meant to be fathers. So the job of being mother and father falls on the women in their lives.  We do the best we can, given the circumstances.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #17 on: January 13, 2013, 05:13:42 PM »

Boys need fathers but bad role models can be worse than no father.  My exh and I were divorced when our son was 15.  He was alcoholic, abusive, and the children were terrified of him.  When trouble arose, he always told me ... .  "they are your kids, you wanted them. You take care of them".  He proceeded to absent himself from our lives because he had many things he wanted to do... .  all about him.  He would drop by for Christmas... .  that was about it.  He lived 30 miles away.  No birthdays, no fishing trips, no phone calls to either child... .  nothing.

Oh yes, he played the perfect loving father when he had an audience.  Other than that... .  he had no interest.  Some men are not meant to be fathers. So the job of being mother and father falls on the women in their lives.  We do the best we can, given the circumstances.

Yes, good point.

I'm not sure how bad is worse than no father at all, but I'm sure that boys need a good father.
Logged

cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2013, 06:23:29 PM »

Our situation so far is that the DA might work a deal of RTC in place of jail time.  Ds will already have been in jail 3 months when a deal would be made.

But ds is refusing any deal and says he wants to do his prison time which will probably be 3 years.

His reasoning is that he knows he will fail in an RTC same as he has every other one.  And there have been many.

I guess prison seems like a safer bet to him.

Breaks my heart to think what those years in prison will do to a pwBPD.  How much will he change?  Might he change for the better or will he come out worse?  He will be 1500 miles away so we won't even see him that often. 

He's feels very close to us and very scared when he's too far away.

Well it's out of my hands.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2013, 06:36:00 PM »

Treatment professionals told me that RTC won't do any good til he's ready for it, and only he can decide that.  They really don't want someone who's not ready.

It is hard to understand how anybody could prefer prison to RTC, but your son may know himself better than you do.  I've heard of others making that same decision - "I'll just go to prison and get it over with." - rather than struggle when they don't feel ready.

In prison, he'll be accepted as he is.  The standards are low.  He'll be seen as not worth much but the same as everybody else.  His self-esteem is probably already very low, so that might seem like a fit to him.  At RTC, they will expect much more of him, and if he sees himself as unworthy and unable it might seem like it's not a fit.  Very sad but maybe very real right now.

How will prison change him?  Could be bad or good.  I never wanted my son to go to prison, and I believed (and still do) that a fair and sensible sentence would have been a year or so, not 7.  (He has 2 1/2 left to serve.)  I would never say that such a long sentence was a good thing.  But he's been clean and sober since he went - they test, and the consequences of relapsing would be immediate and severe - and that clean time - now more than 4 years - has done him a lot of good.  He's honest now, and sees himself more as he really is - a good person but with big problems.  He takes responsibility for what he has done, and he is able to separate the wrong things he did in the past from the person he is today.

I think when he gets out, he will need some serious therapy.  (AA and counseling are available in prison, but there is no privacy, so only a fool would take part in those.)  He may struggle and he may fall.  The person I see now, I'm very proud of - he's a very good person who is doing everything he can to be on the right path - a huge change from when he went away.
Logged

cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2013, 06:53:02 PM »

Matt

It's taken a while for the lightbulb to go on in my brain but I think I get it now.  My ds knows he'll fail in another RTC.

He's been in county for about 2 months and when I flew out to visit him he seemed calm, he's getting his meds and his mood was regulated.

He's not quite as happy now because he thinks he should just have his probation extended.  But that's not going to happen.  And it's too hard for him to stay out of trouble on probation.

So it looks like he's going to choose prison and as soon as he's sentenced they will move him to the DOC.

I hope he gets some kind of mental health help there because along with BPD he's a former heroin addict, ADHD, major anxiety and damage to his frontal lobe (birth mom did lots of drugs while pregnant).
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2013, 07:10:38 PM »

I hope he gets some kind of mental health help there because along with BPD he's a former heroin addict, ADHD, major anxiety and damage to his frontal lobe (birth mom did lots of drugs while pregnant).

No, he's an addict - not a former addict.  He just may not be using right now.

My son's description of county jail vs. prison is that stuff is harder to get in jail, and you're more likely to get caught.  In prison everything is available (except beer and wine) and you can maybe get away with it for awhile.  The most severe consequences are that if you use, you'll be short of money, and the inmate you owe will extract payment one way or another.

Where my son is, there is no effective treatment or therapy.  To see a counselor, you have to get a big ticket that says "PSYCH" in red letters, and carry it across the place, so everybody knows you're going to the psychiatrist.  And then they want to know why.  He did that once and never again.

Same for AA or NA - not a safe, private option.

Not trying to depress you - maybe it's better in other states - just telling you what I think it's like in my state.  I would not assume that your son will get any professional help.  But if he is committed to staying clean, you can send him books, and he can correspond with a mentor or sponsor outside.  My son has become very committed to his faith - a faith I don't share but respect - and he reads the Bible every day, and I think that is helping him a lot.

Your job is probably 1% to support him - sending mail regularly will help him remember that he is loved, which is huge - and 99% to take care of yourself.  It's been very, very hard for me, but I'm making progress in accepting how things are and focusing on things I can influence and not all the time on what's out of my control.
Logged

cfh
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 30 + years and struggling under the strain
Posts: 769



« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2013, 08:14:33 PM »

Matt

I know he's an addict... .  just meant he's not doing heroin at the moment because he's on suboxone.  He's already told me how easy it is to get drugs in jail.

No MH services scares me.  He has such poor judgement and zero impulse control.  Guess prison is going to to be very rough for him.

How do I get through this and how do I hold my crumbling marriage together?  Just a rhetorical question.
Logged
Matt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced.
Posts: 14130



WWW
« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2013, 08:27:26 PM »

Matt

I know he's an addict... .  just meant he's not doing heroin at the moment because he's on suboxone.  He's already told me how easy it is to get drugs in jail.

No MH services scares me.  He has such poor judgement and zero impulse control.  Guess prison is going to to be very rough for him.

How do I get through this and how do I hold my crumbling marriage together?  Just a rhetorical question.

Well on the last point I'm not the one to talk.  My son went to prison right about the time my marriage was crumbling - his mom has BPD and was becoming violent and worse.  By the time I found this place it was too late to save the marriage.

"How do I get through this?" - some of my old friends here know that was a huge problem for me too.  I became deeply depressed.  Counseling helped a lot - my counselor taught me a number of practical things that helped, like cardiovascular exercise every day, regular sleep, and other stuff to manage stress.

A huge part of this for you will be to "compartmentalize".  Decide what you will do to support your son - how often you will write him, and if you'll take his calls, and if you'll visit him, etc.  No right or wrong answer - you can't make it OK for him but whatever you do will help.  For me it's writing a few times a week, taking one call from him a week, sending money every month, and visiting him a few times a year - about 3 1/2 hours each way.  That's what I've decided I can do, and my son accepts that and is very appreciative, though I know he wishes it was more.

So you decide what you can do, and you do it, and then you don't let it creep into other parts of your life.  If you write him every Sunday morning, do it, and put it in the mail, and then move on to other things - don't wallow in it.  (Much easier said than done I know.)

If you don't do that, it will drag you down, and probably your marriage too.  Let your support for your son take a little time every week, and no more.

He can probably get psych meds.  My son gets some - pretty cheap actually.  Just no talk-therapy.

Poor judgment and poor impulse control are probably true of most inmates.  I hate the system there, but it will provide him with quick feedback - if he acts out, it's probably the other inmates who will make it clear what he did wrong.  He'll probably learn to hold his tongue and control his actions - that could be a good thing, but I'm glad you won't have to watch while he learns those lessons.

For me, it has been very hard, but it gets easier over time.  Your son will learn to cope and you will learn to keep some emotional distance.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!