Cycle Spiraling Down, Malingering, Poor Friend Choices and SWEET Validation

[Thursday]

I am fixing to be slightly sarcastic.

Cycle Spiraling Down and Malingering

BPDSD21

Unemployed since October 2012

The job she has been "almost ready to start" since mid-December didn't pan out. Shocking.

The job was to be a iive in situation.

Technically she now lives with her grandmother, however, she sleeps there less than once per week. GM will not allow her to stay out past 11pm and SD "needs to be with" her friends.

Sd not doing much about finding herself employment, since mid-december she has been content to wait for the job mentioned above to start even though the job was not going to pay her enough to really meet her living expenses... .  and she would have had time, plenty of time for a full time job in addition to this minimally involved glorified baby-sitting job that was to come with a room and bathroom.

She got kicked out of her last place to live for being unemployed and has now lost all of her furnishings and things other than her clothes. (nice quality queen sized bed, dresser, night stand, television set, bookcase)  

She affords her gasoline, cigarettes, money for meals eaten away fom home by Begging Money from GM, her Dad, her uncle, her GM's best friend's daughter (yes... .  soo tacky) and her friends.

Poor Friend Choices include a current dysregulation about a girl she has been palling around with (during which time SD got a piercing like this girl's and several more cheap tattoos (this girl is heavily tatted) and started dressing like the girl, even more cleavage than usual. Girl "stole" boy from SD. The boy is not now nor ever has been interested in SD. Never mind the boy is under-age AND never mind that the girl she is mad at is six years older than SD, the illegalities and grossness factor is off the charts!... .  and SD has been hurling out insults and obscenities about this girl on facebook, lots of drama.

Validation- we had lunch with GM yesterday and she validated everything I was wondering if she had figured out about SD yet. She has better boundaries than I imagined and seems determined to stick to them and see where SD either rises or falls. She even invited us to see the room she had given SD to sleep in and shook her head about the mess and the way SD refuses to fold or hang up anything out of the wash. GM talked about setting the alarm on the house if SD ever again comes in after the curfew GM has set, which I guess has happened a few times. GM even rolled her eyes when she related the excuses used by SD for coming in late... .  dead battery... .  um... .  nice try!

S/O and I looked at each other and winked a few times during our lunch with little gm and it was so nice to be validated -even if just in our frustrations.

I wish SD was doing better so this is far from "very happy" but this is the first time I've ever heard anything from the gm than "oh she will grow up soon". My hope is that since SD seems to value and treasure her GM and their relationship that she won't want to mess this relationshp up by continuing to operate at half-speed.

We didn't share "mental illness" with the GM but she seems to have an understanding that it is out of ordinary and normal that SD has these behaviors.

That's my update.

Thursday



 Validation!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[whiletheseasonspass]

Dear Thurs,

I think it is great that you got the validation from GM.  She sure does know how to set boundaries and she sound very bright and observant and takes IN what she sees.  The fact that SD values the relationship with her GM is a good thing.  It would be great if in time- SD spent more time with GM and it might come to that- but for now-   on the validation on your frustrations.  I can imagine how good that feels... .  but again that SD really values a relationship with someone who sets these limits- ( I love that GM sets the alarm if SD comes in after curfew! )  well that is one good thing.  Sometimes one good thing leads to one more good thing and so on.  That is what we have been noticing with dd even though so much is so far from how we would wish it to be.  But yes it is true- one day there was a good thing that came about AND IT TOOK HOLD ( at least so far).  BUT WOW! THAT WAS SURPRISING and it was not even huge - it was small... .  but it was a good thing!  We never saw good things.  Then another good thing happened and another.  (Not to say other things might go in the WRONG direction aside from the "good things"

But yeah! Little teeny bits of good- like little teeny links on a chain.   We are still on the extreme end of too much... .  but who would have ever "thunk" that good things could show up.  My only advice to you is that perhaps nobody make a big deal about the fact that SD values that relationship... .  with GM- your "good thing".  We never say anything about the little good things that appear.  Could tempt the disappearance of the good things.  I bet you get that!

Anyway - thanks for sharing... .  good story!

 

wtsp

[qcarolr]

Thursday -     for your gm validating you guys. And it is nice to have the space from DD to sit and hear it from someone else, if that makes any sense.

A truth for me, and hard one to accept today, is that the chain of good little steps will have mising links, or broken links, and it is up to our DD's to find those and fix those. We can love them - with our boundaries there. Even as we sadly watch the spiral at work.

So happy you had this good day for yourselves.

qcr  

[Kate4queen]

When I took 2 of my sons over to England for a family wedding last year, my mum got to see her first sight of BPD son 21 in full out rage with me. She was horrified, shaken up and finally got what I'd been going through for the last 10 years.

Last week son apparently send her a lovely letter asking if he could come and live with her in the UK this summer... .  no apology for scaring her or spoiling the wedding or anything. She called to tell me that he'd written and said-"It was a beautifully written letter, he has your writing talent, but it was full of bull___." I have never heard my 80 yr old mum use such language before so it was kind of funny but also validating too.

She'd sort him out in a heartbeat if she could stand living with him. She's a lot tougher than me.

[js friend]

She called to tell me that he'd written and said-"It was a beautifully written letter, he has your writing talent, but it was full of bull___." I have never heard my 80 yr old mum use such language before so it was kind of funny but also validating too.

Kate4queen your story really made me laugh. Thursday ~ the Gms are sometimes more clueded up than we think and have lived a life and seen all sorts of things that we aware of unaware of and it is suprising when these things come out of their mouths.


I know that I was certainly suprised when My mom was actually the first person to mention that dd may have a Personality Disorder.!

for me hearing that from my mom  was MAJOR validation!

[Thursday]

Until last weekend I really never knew what the GM was really about. She always seemed very clueless about her GD... .  blind to her behavior.

During this lunch she told us that SD was a huge mess during a cruise she went on with GM the spring after she graduated from high school. We never knew about this other than SD called us from a bar and told us she was drinking a margarita (she was 18 and legal in Mexico). We thought it was a single drink and ordering a drink in Mexico when you are 18 and CAN seemed so expected we didn't think anything of it... .  

Since joining this family I've felt that my S/O and SD were pretty much on their own as regards  SD's late Mom's family (this is the maternal GM I'm writing about) but it's clear that while behavior's don't exactly match thoughts and intentions, she is a great person to have on the side of holding SD to some parameters and she has boundaries to protect her safety (doesn't allow SD to have friends over, wlll set the alarm if SD doesn't show by a certain time, etc) so a huge weight has been lifted, feel like we've added a new member to the team.

Last year at this time this GM gave SD many thousands of dollars. At the time we had been  trying to get SD to get a job. Once GM gave her the money she didn't look for work until she ran out of the money. It was a lot of money and SD ran through it in less than 5 months. So, my opinion of the grandmother had significantly lessened. So glad to learn that she learned from her mistake... .  at least this BPD isn't a part of her make-up.

thursday