Their intentions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you trust the intentions of a loved one with BPD?

Last night, he was trailing back to the past in his own mind & started to remember how close we used to be, how "in love" and how nothing could come between us. He said he wants to be best friends again. (at this point) he is bound and determined to make that happen. After everything he has put me through, I actually skeptically looked at him and told him whatever, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I understand that if I can't shake this negativity, it will never work. How do you allow your relationship to progess/grow/heal/get better without letting your guard down. I let him back in, gave him another chance & now owe it to him to let him try, don't I?

For what it's worth, he was receptive to my telling him he has BPD & what (some of it) entails. Since then  we have had several talks where he actually acknowledges his behavior and that there is no rational behind it. Oh well, of course every the fact my voice is annoying, if my voice wasn't so annoying he wouldn't leave me & we will last the rest of our lives... .  ugh... .  

[Washisheart]

How do you trust the intentions of a loved one with BPD?

Last night, he was trailing back to the past in his own mind & started to remember how close we used to be, how "in love" and how nothing could come between us. He said he wants to be best friends again. (at this point) he is bound and determined to make that happen. After everything he has put me through, I actually skeptically looked at him and told him whatever, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I understand that if I can't shake this negativity, it will never work. How do you allow your relationship to progess/grow/heal/get better without letting your guard down. I let him back in, gave him another chance & now owe it to him to let him try, don't I?

For what it's worth, he was receptive to my telling him he has BPD & what (some of it) entails. Since then  we have had several talks where he actually acknowledges his behavior and that there is no rational behind it. Oh well, of course every the fact my voice is annoying, if my voice wasn't so annoying he wouldn't leave me & we will last the rest of our lives... .  ugh... .  

[lee2013]

im not sure about the background of how badly hes hurt you, but you just have to have faith. a true relationship with disorders or no disorders needs that faith, even if the trust is smashed to pieces it can be rebuilt with faith.

[waverider]

My partner keeps talking about getting back to what was really the idealization phase. Problem is she really doesn't seem to have the physical capability to do so.

Because those early days were no more then her mirroring and taking on my persona, she simply doesn't know how, nor is it in her natural drive. For her, knowing she wants it, but cant "measure up" to what she was, reinforces the failure aspect and causes her to avoid trying.

I think once the original idealization phase is over its gone for good. You may get an improvement, but not the same as that was never really them

[Vindi]

hi you really don't have to do anything... .  you do what you feel, do you think the relationship will survive? do you think it will be chaos? you don't have to be with anyone for "life", people change, it happens all the time, feelings change... .  I think the more you work on yourself the better you will feel and the answers will come to you...

You do mention "it will never work"... .  then you have to ask yourself, then why stay? please dig deep in your soul, search for answers, post here & know you are not alone!

[Seahorse1]

Go back and read all the lessons... .  All of them on this board... .  Did I mention to re read all the lessons... .  

Keep your mind healthy... .  Keep remembering the disorder... .  

If you truly believe your partner loves you ... .  And only you can know that... .  Keep going back to the lessons... .  Keep reminding your self of the challange you both face and just keep doing your part... .  

That is all you can do!

[Seahorse1]

I'd like to tell you a story to put things in perspective and see how you feel... .  

My old next door neighbor has a child who is autistic, has downs syndrome, and a heart condition... .  

Thor 8 years I witnessed this situation... .  

This child cannot speak. He has a feeding tube, he has angry outbursts that take hours to subside. He will never get better... .  

This lady, his mother, has to live every single day the same... .  

Crying, screaming, zero communication, changing diapers, feeding tube, moaning and groaning, him refusing to wear clothes... .  

Knowing there is no hope and she will spend the rest of her life doing exactly the same thing every day until he dies... .  

Now think what you have to do in a BPD relationship?

Not such hard work in comparison ... .  But only you know if you are up for it... .  

[Washisheart]

I tell myself it will never work probably more to keep from being  as hurt and disappointed should it happen again. I feel like learning what I have about BPD, it automatically will. But yet, he is his own man & I hope has the strength to overcome.

I totally understand the analogy. I think if every day were labored like that, then I definitely would exhaust myself out holding onto this relationship. I think the fact that after I got over the initial hurt the last breakup I was actually doing alright makes me feel a little different this time around. I am not tripping over my feet to appease him. Today he was in a cranky mood & made plans to go out. Then said something about me having a problem with it and my response was "you are _____  & aggregating me on top of the fact I don't feel well. Do you think I am going to try to stop you? Go out." At first he was caught off guard that I said he was aggregating me, then he started acting super nice.

I can see he is really working on himself for our sake, what I am afraid of is one day he will get tired of the effort & decide it's not worth it.

[HarmKrakow]

I tell myself it will never work probably more to keep from being  as hurt and disappointed should it happen again. I feel like learning what I have about BPD, it automatically will. But yet, he is his own man & I hope has the strength to overcome.

I totally understand the analogy. I think if every day were labored like that, then I definitely would exhaust myself out holding onto this relationship. I think the fact that after I got over the initial hurt the last breakup I was actually doing alright makes me feel a little different this time around. I am not tripping over my feet to appease him. Today he was in a cranky mood & made plans to go out. Then said something about me having a problem with it and my response was "you are _____  & aggregating me on top of the fact I don't feel well. Do you think I am going to try to stop you? Go out." At first he was caught off guard that I said he was aggregating me, then he started acting super nice.

I can see he is really working on himself for our sake, what I am afraid of is one day he will get tired of the effort & decide it's not worth it.

I think sooner or later, the 'energy' within you will eventually just go to zero and you'll be exhausted and a bf/gf of you at the time might at that time walk over you. The pull/push relationship, going better, going worse. The fighting, the struggling and specifically, the prospect of losing so much energy, day in day out.

I ask myself, is it worth it? (knowing it might eventually break up ... and who knows how deep we would be falling then... )

[Randi Kreger]

I haven't read your post in detail, but I can answer your question as to what their intention is: to emotional survive.