What should I expect re: custody?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm a bit hesitant to even be posting on here, as my stbxBPDh may know that I post on this site under this username.  But I'm quite desperate for the advice of people who have been thru this process.  So here it goes.

2 months ago, I told my BPDh that I want a divorce.  We have two children - D4 and S2. 

Two months minus one day ago, the man who paid no attention to our children at all and was completely uninvolved in their care, decided to pretend to be father of the year.  He says he wants 50/50 custody, though I think he's over-reaching just so he can leave room for negotiation.

I had a very difficult time making the decision to divorce my husband mostly bc of my concern for my kids.  Many therapists/friends assured me that nobody would "give the kids to him."  He is diagnosed BPD, has been hospitalized twice for suicidal gestures, has attended inpatient treatment - he's an overall mess, is always distracted, and he has no experience with childcare.

But here I am 2 months into the process, and it looks to me likely people are quite willing to "give the kids to him." 

I want my kids to have a healthy relationship with their father, but at the same time, their father is very unhealthy and he can be quite harmful to their physical and emotional wellbeing.  I don't know how to handle this.

We are working with a child psychologist to help us work out custody (I have informed her of my husband's history) and she has recommended that the children spend quite a bit of time with him in order to establish a bond with him - and to see how it goes.  He has even started having overnight stays.  I have required that he always has help (dr. agrees) - whether it be his family members or hired help.  He has gone along with this, for now.

But here's the thing - While for my children's safety, it is absolutely necessary that he has help, having help also enables my husband to sit back and do what he has always done - nothing!  So what are we doing here?  Taking the kids away from their loving, capable mother so they can continue to be ignored by their distracted, self-destructive father who lacks any parental instinct, half the time?  And that's when he's having a good day!  On a bad day, he could actually end up actively doing harm to them - thru reckless driving, raging at others, etc.

He's already harming D4 psychologically, telling her to keep secrets from me, to lie to me, not to answer any questions I ask her (not that I'm asking, but he's paranoid), telling her he wants to have sleepovers with her but that I say no (before we were doing those).

I think he wants the kids for 2 reasons - 1. I abandoned him and he doesn't want to be alone and 2. he thinks that if he takes the kids from me for longer and longer periods of time, I'll eventually cave and get back together with him.

This post is getting long, so I'll save the complicated details of the situation.  I'd just love to get a sense of what to expect here in terms of custody granted to BPDfathers.  And I'd love any advice.

[TheBPsWife]

I'm a bit hesitant to even be posting on here, as my stbxBPDh may know that I post on this site under this username.  But I'm quite desperate for the advice of people who have been thru this process.  So here it goes.

2 months ago, I told my BPDh that I want a divorce.  We have two children - D4 and S2. 

Two months minus one day ago, the man who paid no attention to our children at all and was completely uninvolved in their care, decided to pretend to be father of the year.  He says he wants 50/50 custody, though I think he's over-reaching just so he can leave room for negotiation.

I had a very difficult time making the decision to divorce my husband mostly bc of my concern for my kids.  Many therapists/friends assured me that nobody would "give the kids to him."  He is diagnosed BPD, has been hospitalized twice for suicidal gestures, has attended inpatient treatment - he's an overall mess, is always distracted, and he has no experience with childcare.

But here I am 2 months into the process, and it looks to me likely people are quite willing to "give the kids to him." 

I want my kids to have a healthy relationship with their father, but at the same time, their father is very unhealthy and he can be quite harmful to their physical and emotional wellbeing.  I don't know how to handle this.

We are working with a child psychologist to help us work out custody (I have informed her of my husband's history) and she has recommended that the children spend quite a bit of time with him in order to establish a bond with him - and to see how it goes.  He has even started having overnight stays.  I have required that he always has help (dr. agrees) - whether it be his family members or hired help.  He has gone along with this, for now.

But here's the thing - While for my children's safety, it is absolutely necessary that he has help, having help also enables my husband to sit back and do what he has always done - nothing!  So what are we doing here?  Taking the kids away from their loving, capable mother so they can continue to be ignored by their distracted, self-destructive father who lacks any parental instinct, half the time?  And that's when he's having a good day!  On a bad day, he could actually end up actively doing harm to them - thru reckless driving, raging at others, etc.

He's already harming D4 psychologically, telling her to keep secrets from me, to lie to me, not to answer any questions I ask her (not that I'm asking, but he's paranoid), telling her he wants to have sleepovers with her but that I say no (before we were doing those).

I think he wants the kids for 2 reasons - 1. I abandoned him and he doesn't want to be alone and 2. he thinks that if he takes the kids from me for longer and longer periods of time, I'll eventually cave and get back together with him.

This post is getting long, so I'll save the complicated details of the situation.  I'd just love to get a sense of what to expect here in terms of custody granted to BPDfathers.  And I'd love any advice.

[marbleloser]

I'm going through this now,except the STBX is their mother.Already filed last year.She does the same things.Tells the kids not to tell me things,lie,etc.,, I found two of her bf's phone numbers in our childrens cell phone she bought them. I caught one of them texting our son,so I told him to stop,and that it's concerning when a grown man is texting our children. He didn't like that,nor did she. She called me raging about it,so I told her to text or talk through my attorney and hung up.She text of course,because they can't control their emotions.

First,unless he has proof that you are a danger to your children,you don't have much to worry about.A mother generally gets a lot of leeway in custody issues.It sounds like he's trying to be a better father.Let him try,at least.Like it or not,he's their dad. Document everything.Times,dates,what happened when with him,what you did when the kids were with you,etc.,,

I have a good bond with our children,so I'm able to present the truth to them when they're lied to and ask me about something.Then,it's dropped. I told them the other night that they can tell their mom anything that we do while they're with me,because they felt guilty for wanting to tell her something.It's what they've learned when with her. It was like a weight lifted off of their shoulders and I immediately saw the relief on their faces when I told them that.

Remember,the important thing is the children.It's difficult to hear things that the ex is saying to them or doing,but just be the stable one for them.They need a refuge and a place and person they feel safe with.