posted this in leaving too. But it finally ended. we did all we could

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So i have not posted on any thread for a while and the folks at staying probably know me quite well. My BPD GF and I ended our relationship about a month and a half ago. It was a mutual ending and we surprisingly agreed on everything as to why we felt the relationship should end. We were together for a little over a year and it had a lot of ups and downs and was rocky especially in the beginning.  But as time went on I found out about her and what was going on and also found out about myself and how I handled things. I started using the tools on here and read a lot of information on BPD with books from Randi Kreger and it was a lifesaver. MY Ex began to go to Dialetical Behavioral Therapy and everything seemed liked we had always wanted it a normal relationship and a general caring and fire for each other that we had. Well towards the end life just got hectic her with school and me with work and working on advancing and changing my jobs and career. WE both felt it ending and had the talk. We still kept in some contact mostly me than her as I had clear issues letting go. Long story short after about 2 to 3 weeks of no contact I called her yesterday and we had a talk about us and how things got to where they were. During that talk and the initial talk she told me that this was the first time in her life that she truly felt like she was living for her and trying to figure herself out and all of that. I had never heard her talk like that and was happy. Sad that we could not do it together liked we talked about and we wanted at one time but knew this is what we both needed to do which is a huge growth for both of us. Well tonight I continued the conversation from last night about how things got to where they were and continuing our companionship as friends since we had that as well as a relationship and both agreed we wanted that. I asked her how things could change for her so fast and she listed a million and one reasons from me not liking things she did to not being around her family and friends enough and the list goes on. I asked her tonight what she specifically meant and she said she could not talke about it at the moment. I told her I understood and  asked her to think about it and let me know if she chose to do so for clarity and peace for my sake. She said there was no thoughts to give about and she was hanging out with a new guy now and to stop texting and talking to her. I told her she would not hear from me again and deleted her number which was a hard thing for me to do but liberating at the same time. 5 Hours later she said that she will always care about me and love me but not in the way it was saying she felt it was just gone. HOW IS THAT NORMAL? A month ago you were intimate with me and talking about our lives together to now you are completely over it. I have accepted the fact that we are not together and over that aspect as I have focused on me and putting healthy friendships and people in my life and feel liberated and free. I guess I am just confused how any relationship whether it be friendship, family, romantic or other whether the person has BPD or not can go from one extreme to another. Than again looking back she did the same with me. I guess I am just looking for answers I will never find and am curious to how some of you coped and got on with your lives. Please do not bash her or me. i have seen threads on here where the person with BPD is called every name under the sun and the person staying with them is called equal things for staying with them. I will go into more detail and edit this as need be but that sums it up for the most part. Tank You

[mnwushu89]

So i have not posted on any thread for a while and the folks at staying probably know me quite well. My BPD GF and I ended our relationship about a month and a half ago. It was a mutual ending and we surprisingly agreed on everything as to why we felt the relationship should end. We were together for a little over a year and it had a lot of ups and downs and was rocky especially in the beginning.  But as time went on I found out about her and what was going on and also found out about myself and how I handled things. I started using the tools on here and read a lot of information on BPD with books from Randi Kreger and it was a lifesaver. MY Ex began to go to Dialetical Behavioral Therapy and everything seemed liked we had always wanted it a normal relationship and a general caring and fire for each other that we had. Well towards the end life just got hectic her with school and me with work and working on advancing and changing my jobs and career. WE both felt it ending and had the talk. We still kept in some contact mostly me than her as I had clear issues letting go. Long story short after about 2 to 3 weeks of no contact I called her yesterday and we had a talk about us and how things got to where they were. During that talk and the initial talk she told me that this was the first time in her life that she truly felt like she was living for her and trying to figure herself out and all of that. I had never heard her talk like that and was happy. Sad that we could not do it together liked we talked about and we wanted at one time but knew this is what we both needed to do which is a huge growth for both of us. Well tonight I continued the conversation from last night about how things got to where they were and continuing our companionship as friends since we had that as well as a relationship and both agreed we wanted that. I asked her how things could change for her so fast and she listed a million and one reasons from me not liking things she did to not being around her family and friends enough and the list goes on. I asked her tonight what she specifically meant and she said she could not talke about it at the moment. I told her I understood and  asked her to think about it and let me know if she chose to do so for clarity and peace for my sake. She said there was no thoughts to give about and she was hanging out with a new guy now and to stop texting and talking to her. I told her she would not hear from me again and deleted her number which was a hard thing for me to do but liberating at the same time. 5 Hours later she said that she will always care about me and love me but not in the way it was saying she felt it was just gone. HOW IS THAT NORMAL? A month ago you were intimate with me and talking about our lives together to now you are completely over it. I have accepted the fact that we are not together and over that aspect as I have focused on me and putting healthy friendships and people in my life and feel liberated and free. I guess I am just confused how any relationship whether it be friendship, family, romantic or other whether the person has BPD or not can go from one extreme to another. Than again looking back she did the same with me. I guess I am just looking for answers I will never find and am curious to how some of you coped and got on with your lives. Please do not bash her or me. i have seen threads on here where the person with BPD is called every name under the sun and the person staying with them is called equal things for staying with them. I will go into more detail and edit this as need be but that sums it up for the most part. Tank You

[mssomebodynice]

It isn't normal.  I wish you the best. 

[mnwushu89]

thank you. I am happy focusing on me and just trying to grasp it all and understand it all though I may not ever find the answers I seek.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

So sorry for all of the trauma you are experiencing right now.  This can be really hard.  I've been there and understand 

It could have been me writing your post.  The end was pretty much exact to how my relationship ended. 

The change of feelings is not normal for a healthy person, but is very normal to someone with BPD.  Out of site is often out of mind for them.  Being separated a week, can for them, feel like months. 

There is no middle ground in anything, for someone with BPD.  They have extremes of mood, expression, opinions... .  you name it!  How often have you found a balanced approach to anything in your ex's day to day life? 

My ex moved on immediately, and although I didn't see it right at that time, this was a blessing for me, because it freed me from dealing with his pain and dis-regulation over our break-up.

You aren't going to get a great deal of logical answers to this situation, I'm afraid.  Closure, for me, came when I accepted that I had been in a relationship with a mentally ill person, and therefore, there were no more answers than just that.

I know this is painful right now (& boy do I know), but you have been set free to find a balanced life & future relationship.  Try to focus on that, and that you don't have to live in this day to day turmoil any more.

If you ever feel that someone is being slated in posts, such as in the way you have mentioned at the end of your post, you should report the thread to a moderator.  Whilst everyone has an opinion, it should be giving in a caring, respectful way, or not at all.  There are always people here to help, so please do not feel that you should have to tolerate such behaviour.  We want to know if something like that is upsetting anyone.

JP

x

[mnwushu89]

and that is what is the hardest to grasp for me too because she made such great progress with medication and therapy. I saw a legitimate change in her and she even said I was part of the reason she strived to want to seek out all of this because we supported each other and were happy through it all. I guess what gets me the most is the contact from her saying she will always love me and care about me just not in the way she used too. If you wanted me to end contact why are you contacting me... .  is it the disorder or a sign of growth that you have grown as an emotional person. I don't know what the future holds for either of us and have not responded to her and don't plan on it. It will just continue the cycle. I do hope one day that we can have a cordial if not romantic relationship again because It's hard to explain through all the negative just how we were with each other but I did wish her the best of luck and I know that she will get right one day if she keeps on what she is doing. I have seen significant growth with her already and feel this is what we both need to do. Time will solve everything and I am doing a lot for myself in the meantime. And I was never personally attacked but saw people attacking themselves or their partners and others encouraging such behavior, to each his own I guess but i just thought it was negative. THank you for responding it helps knowing that there are others like me and I am not alone.

[jessicapuppy]

Well, every case is individual, but I heard all of those same things from my ex.  He hadn't grown emotionally, and will continue to feed those lines to anyone who will listen.  He said what he felt was appropriate to be said in certain situations.  He learned what other people say in such cases, and repeated it.   He was very intelligent, and used that to know what to say, without actually committing any feelings to the words. 

I'm not saying that he didn't have feelings, I just don't think he had a clue what he felt consistently.  People with BPD can only express what they are feeling right at that moment, and as we know... .  that can change rapidly.

I was able to draw the conclusion that I know how much my ex valued me in his life, because of the ways I had affected him and his life.  I know he needed me as his carer, enjoyed a great deal of the time he spent with me (because we never stopped laughing for a good chunk of the relationship), found me influential (as he would change his views etc when he admired something I said or thought) etc. etc. I don't doubt that I have been a huge part of his life, in which their have been positives and negatives.

What I do know is that I am a good person, who has a lot to offer a person in a relationship with me, and I am happy with who I am.  I think if you can say that, then it doesn't matter what the other person thinks, so much.  If you can't say that, then that is what you need to work on, because I couldn't say that when just out of my relationship with my ex.

JP

X

[happiness68]

mnwushu89 - you're definitely not alone.  I, like you, have spent hours/days/weeks/months trying to understand it, but I don't think we can every truly understand.  I ended up bringing myself to one of my lowest lows trying to get to the bottom of it and wonder if there was anything I could have said or done to have made things work out.  I still do if I'm honest.  Mine break up with my exbfBPD is only just over a couple of months.  Each day it gets easier, but I still love him and I still care and wonder how he's doing.  It's heartbreaking.  I understand when you ask people not to name call with him or you.  I feel just the same.  It's because love them.  You have to concentrate on you though.  You need to remain calm and focussed (as someone told me I needed to a week or so ago) and you will be amazed at the difference it makes for you.  You need time and healing.  Be kind to yourself is the only advice that I will give you.  If you want to cry, cry.  Do what you feel you have to do for you.  It will get better.  It will ease.  Yes, you will always love her.  That's what we non's are good at ;-)

[mnwushu89]

I am happy but never content and trying to find constant ways to improve myself and achieve the life I want. I think she truly feels what she says and can care about people or love people in whatever way she can. your relationship sounded like mine with the laughing and general caring for most of the time with both positive and negative. I don't intend on responding and if we are meant to cross paths sometime in the future she will contact me or I may contact her way way in the future but right now is not the right time that is for sure. I am keeping on my track and worrying about me for a a while which is much needed

[mnwushu89]

and yes I can't believe it is so hard for people to understand how emotions can be and why us nons care the way we do. It truly is a rare thing in general but I also feel like until they have lived it or walked in our shoes they will never truly understand. She will always have a place in my heart and I will always love her to some extent which is definitely different for me since I did not care that much before with previous relationships, but I know that especially right now this cycle is not healthy and Have grasped I may not know and answers will only lead to more questions.

[happiness68]

mnwushu89 - you will find answers by reading more on here and also hearing other stories.  You realise that you aren't alone and this really is a great thing.  I also believe that we are people who love unconditionally and that really is something to be proud of.  Be proud that you can love and know how to love.  Know that you will take that into your next relationship and I hope above all else that it will be reciprocated.  Someone told me the other day that my exbfBPD isn't as spiritually or emotionally mature as me and I think there's something to learn there.  When you love someone, really love someone, it never really dies.  Be proud of wearing your heart on your sleeve.  I am.  Know too that you did everything you could.  You will never look back with "what if's" ... .    ;-) 

and yes I can't believe it is so hard for people to understand how emotions can be and why us nons care the way we do. It truly is a rare thing in general but I also feel like until they have lived it or walked in our shoes they will never truly understand. She will always have a place in my heart and I will always love her to some extent which is definitely different for me since I did not care that much before with previous relationships, but I know that especially right now this cycle is not healthy and Have grasped I may not know and answers will only lead to more questions.

[Gaslit]

I'm sorry for what you are going through and the outcome.

As I read your post and description, I kept thinking, there is another guy, another guy.

And then,

... .  and she was hanging out with a new guy now and to stop texting and talking to her.

No, the extreme thinking does not make sense, though the pattern seems nearly universal.

It also means that it would repeat after any recycling, regardless of what you do.

It's good you are moving on, the best you can. Time... .