Alanon

[Reality]

Hi everyone,

I attended several Alanon meetings, but I found them rather strange, somehow.  I am not much of a group person, being such an introvert.  Still, sometimes, I wonder if I missed something.  Just curious to know how Alanon helps people.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cfh]

Hi Reality,

When my younger non ds was in rehab we went to a lot of open AA meetings with him and they were great!  Lots of laughing, interesting stories, very uplifting and we always left feeling wonderful.

At the same time they asked the parents to go to Al-anon meetings and I didn't like them at all. Everyone was very depressed, lots of tears, talk of hopelessness (I guess kind of the way I sound here at times!)

We tried going to a number of different ones but always left them feeling kind of down.

I much preferred a parents group we found through the high school and NAMI support group meetings.

[qcarolr]

I found only one group that fit my needs. Though the program is the same format, it really depends on the people in the group. There was one in my town that had many parents with teen or young adult kids with combination of substance use/abuse and mental illness. I looked for a group based on reading their ideas about detachment with love when we evicted my DD26 a little over 3 years ago and she was on the streets homeless for 20 months. Things go better as I learned to let go of her problems - though an ongoing daily practice. Guess that is why many attend groups for many years.

Take what you need, and leave the rest.

qcr  

[whiletheseasonspass]

Hi Reality,

I went to one group- felt like I was sitting with my dysfunctional FOO... .  horrible. Not all groups are healthy.  Then went to another group and I felt like I fit in -the people were kind individually AND as a group and in this group there is laughter.  I have been going for a while.  Some in this group also used to go to the first group I went to that felt like my FOO- and said it was pretty bad there.  So at least I know it was not only me.  

All said- not sure if I am going to keep going to the meetings- maybe another month or two.  Just that I have gotten out of it- about all that has been helpful to my situation.  

[Peaceinthehome]

Hi all

Alanon is based on the same spiritual prinicipals as AA  - Hope, acceptance, faith, trust, humility, forgiveness, service, responsibility, etc.  It is a spiritual program.  It saddens me that meetings are allowed to be turned into places to vent problems when essentialy problems should be discussed one on one with sponsors or in coffee meetings one on one with a member of the group.  The meetings should be about the solution, not the problem.  The main thing I learnt in Alanon (and I have learnt a lot)  - is to put the focus on myself and to take it off the drinker/user/mentally ill person. It is about coming to believe that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.  In alanon I learnt about detachment, letting go, treating others with respect and tolerance but not taking responsibility for the things they should essentially be doing for themselves and not relieving them of the consequences of their choices.  It is learning to hand over to something greater than ourselves because the problem we live with is simply too big for us to manage - I need power above my own to help clarify my very murky thinking - which is where I get to living with addiction and mental illness.  Alanon and the 12 steps changed my life and contributed hugely to the relationship I have with my daughter today. (Addict and Bi-polar).  You can't go only once or twice, you have to go at least 6 times before you make a decision if Alanon is for you

[Reality]

Hi whiletheseasonspass,

That is exactly how I felt, now that you mention it.  Just like my foo, not a good experience.  Being an extreme introvert, groups are always tricky for me. 

Yet, I can tell that Alanon helps others... .  

Maybe, down the road... .  

Reality

[Reality]

Yes, cfh, the meetings I attended made me want to walk out into traffic and never return... .  I am speaking figuratively, just so no-one thinks I mean literally... .  depressing and somehow quite weird... .  I could smell the dysfunctionality... .  

qcaroir and peaceinthehome,

I appreciate you widening my horizons, though, with your comments.

Reality

[opheliasmom]

Reality, Peace summed it up well.  I have been going to Al Anon for several years.  I have found some groups to be very detrimental to my recovery.  However my home group is filled with laughter and understanding, we have atheists, buddhists and who knows what but we all respect each other and support each other.  If it doesn't work for you don't torture yourself.

[Reality]

Opheliasmom,

Thank you.

Reality

[sunshineplease]

The first meeting I went felt "so-so" to me. The second I actively disliked. But I heard that "try it six times" bit, went back to the first meeting, and really liked it. Since then, I've done 1-2x per week and been glad for it. Today my husband and I went for the first time to a weekend group. Some very moving and helpful shares. I do find I have to do a lot of editing in my head, so as not to be put off by some of the phraseology that doesn't resonate with me, but so far, it's worth it.

[sunshineplease]

P.S. That other line, "take what you want and leave the rest behind" helped me remember I don't have to swallow anything whole.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders