Is it BPD, or does she just hate me?

[DreamLight]

Ok, I know we're not supposed to take the stuff our BPD loved ones dish out personally, but I'm really starting to wonder if it really is just me.  My ud26 shows all the signs when she is with me, and whenever we talk (which right now is almost never).  I just talked with her dad, who doesn't seem to see any of it.  She and the kids are moving in with him so she can go back to school.  I think this is a great idea, but I don't think he has a clue as to what he's getting into.  Unless... .  she just acts out around me.  Unlike many on this board, she actually is able to keep a job, and has a few friends who stick with her.  I am beginning to wonder if she is simply repulsed by me, and so she does everything she knows I object to right in my face to push me away.  Some people just don't like or want anything to do with their moms.  Would it be better for both of us if I just accept that and quietly back away?  I may have no other choice.   

DreamLight

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Survive2012]

Hi, Dreamlight,

I just have the same question as you with the difference that my son is only 15yo and that he hates both my husband and me.

Well, if he was 26, I would just step back, telling him I will always be there if he needs me, but I would leave him lead his life.

Look at the positive things: your daughter has a job, and she can keep it; then, she has a good relationship with her dad amd she has friends. She also has children.  I understand the feeling of being hated, I have it too and it is very sad, but try to look at the positive aspects.

It would be good to take time out for yourself and do things you like.

Have a good day,

Survive

[lbjnltx]

Dear Dreamlight,

I went back and read every post you have made since coming here.  Your undxBPD26 does display the long term repetitive pattern of BPD traits.  I know it is difficult to accept.  Your energies may be better focused on skills to learn rather than making the determination that she has any particular disorder... .  focusing on "what can I do?" rather than "what is it?, why me?" will be more productive.  Btw... .  the "why me" is because you ARE her mom... .  you are the person she is most closely bonded with. You  have been split "black"... .  one day... .  especially if she begins to feel engulfed by her Dad... .  she may split him "black" and you will begin to see an increase in communication from her as you become more "white".  This is the all or nothing /black or white thinking component of the disorder.

You are on the right track with learning and putting into practice the skills of validation.  Keep at it!

 

lbj

[Sybmom]

lbj is right.  Your daughter acts out on you because you have shown that you love her unconditionally and she feels safe with you.  My dd (18) moved in with her dad (clueless) 9 months ago not to make me angry or because she "hated" me but because she knew that this was the only way to have a relationship with him.  She knows that I will visit her, call her, and be her mom no matter what but if she lived with me she would never/rarely see or hear from her father.  Continue to be there for her. 

Be strong. 

[Kate4queen]

It's not you.

Most of our children show their worst side to the people who love them most.

My son is seen as charming, charismatic, courageous and all those other lovely things a parent wants to hear-by other people.

Most of them have no idea that they are being manipulated by a master or of the regime of terror he instigated in our house.

For years, I was the 'good' parent and my husband the 'evil' one.

Now, since I made my boundaries clear, I am 'evil' too and he's moved out and found a new family with new parents who love and support him more than we ever did. (his words not mine)

Sometimes I believed him when he suggested my husband was the problem, but now I realize he was splitting us apart and projecting all his worse qualities onto my poor husband who felt like the worst parent and person in the world.

So, no, it isn't you.

[pattyt]

... .  I'm really starting to wonder if it really is just me.  My ud26 shows all the signs when she is with me, and whenever we talk (which right now is almost never).  I just talked with her dad, who doesn't seem to see any of it... .  I am beginning to wonder if she is simply repulsed by me... .  

I used to think the same thing.  To everyone else in the world dd/21 was wonderful.  The rotten behavior was reserved only for me.  Dh saw the treatment I got but did not receive it himself. 

I figured it was a mother/daughter thing and would resolve itself with some eventual distance and maturity on her part.

It was only after she moved out at 18 to live with her bf that I realized this was not true.  She shifted rotten behavior to her bf, started using some of the same tactics with him that used to be only for me.  Then she stopped talking to me and her dad, for the most part.  Bf is point of contact for us.

[DreamLight]

Hi everyone, and thank you.  There certainly is comfort in knowing others have and are experiencing the same sorts of situations... .  not that I would wish this upon anyone.

I took a little BPD break, and focused almost entirely on my partner and myself (we're getting married!).  There are happy times in life, and I have decided I too get to experience some of that.  Survive, you're so right in that she does have the "basics" going on, even if she's miserable and working hard to make me miserable as well.  A step back now an again I think will make a world of difference in my own happiness.  Ibj, thank you for reviewing my posts, and validating that it does look like a duck and walk like a duck... .  probably a duck, and now I need to move along and keep learning the skills to interact with her from here out.  I'm on the waiting list for the family to family group, so that will help loads, I know.

Big   to all of you, and thank you again for your support and understanding.  Do something awesome for yourself today!

-DreamLight

[lbjnltx]

Congrats to you  :)reamlight!

You are doing all the right things... .  self care, nurturing other relationships, focusing on something other than  your dd, supporting others (it's hard to help someone else without helping yourself ), continuing to to learn how to build a better relationship with your d, and focusing on where you have power... .  on yourself.

Wonderful!

And Congrats on your upcoming marriage too!

 

lbj