DS wants to study and apply for a very difficult job.

[Esperança_Hope]

DS31 wants to  study and apply for a job in Federal Policy as an agent. He has friends who told him if he work hard he can try.

Them he told me if i can help him to focus on the studies. I got surprised and , told him, i think it´s very good he has a goal, and wants to try.

My question is: He will make a great effort, this will take time and attention, mindfullness and , for me, this can be good for him.

But I know it´s a very difficult examination, ecc... .  and there is the mental issue.  What to do? How do not invalidate telling about a BPD never will pass?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Why not talk to him just like you would without the BPD. Think of it as someone applying to a college they probably won't get into. You could say that you know that it is a very difficult exam and you would be glad to help him in any way you can but he needs to realize how difficult it is and that we needs to know that he may not pass.  Maybe put the importance on just working toward something. 

I have a very important exam to take this year for my job.  The exam is gruesome and most people fail it 2-3 times before they pass it.  I have put off taking the exam myself because of fear of failing but now I am studying and I am putting the emphasis on having the strength yo try.  I know will feel bad if I fail but I am putting more focus on trying something I am afraid of doing.

It would be nice if you could help him and he could gain confidence even from trying.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Great news Esperanca... .  that your son has set such a goal for himself.

I think it is a good thing to expess authentic concern for him... .  not if he will pass this examine... .  concern for how he will handle the stress and pressure of studying for this exam.  If he studies hard and stays on task he can pass the exam... .  yes?

It is important that he knows you believe he can do it... .  

Perhaps asking him some validating questions can help him think if he is ready for so much work and can stay focused for the long time it will take to be prepared to pass this test.

Example:

Ds, I am so glad that you have this goal for yourself.  I think you will make a very good

Policy Agent.  Are you prepared for the long hours of studying to pass this test?  Have you thought about how I can help if you have trouble focusing?

I hope that he will believe in himself and achieve his goal!  To succeed at such a goal would help lift his self esteem and that is good.

[Being Mindful]

Hello to all,

I reached out to Esperanca via private messaging. I hadn't seen her around for a while and was concerned. She asked me to say "hello to all the girls".

Being Mindful

[pattyt]

Being Mindful,

Thanks for doing that.  I was worrying about her.  She used to post quite often and I hadn't seen anything from her lately.  Hopefully, things are going well with her and her son.

[qcarolr]

Esperança_Hope   

You have been on my mind all week. So good to hear from you. Was hoping things were well and you were busy enjoying life.

This is a tricky balance - to encourage and support the 'dream' without crushing it with realities of the hard work and persistence that will be needed. I am not very good with this. In the past I ended up often doing too much For my DD instead of encouraging her to do it.

DD wants to do training to be independent knife sales rep.  She has gotten good feedback from the manager of this area that contacted her based on her application at job website. I have told DD she would be good at the sales part and this is a really good training (my BIL did this 30 years ago when he lost his geologist job - became very successful in his own business). The reality is DD will need a partner to support the organization and record keeping part, and I told her I am not able to do this with/for her. Can she let the manager know she will need this kind of support?  DD has not even done the online 1st day training to be followed by hands on training.  As so often in the past - she wants it, but unwilling or unable to do the hard work to get there.

YIKES - maybe this is discouraging example   Yet, sounds like similar to your concerns.

qcr  

[griz]

Being Mindful:  Thank you so much for reaching out.  I was thinking about EH alot and worrying about her.  I didn't think to PM her.  I hope all is doing well. 

Griz