Sticks and stones... but words can really hurt me.

[Kate4queen]

This is related to the thread about the silent treatment. I wondered if anyone else has this issue with their BPD son or daughter?

My son (now 21) also has mild cerebral palsy so he's learned to use his words to defend himself rather than his fists. But his words are just as powerful and the effect of them is just as long lasting.

And he won't stop. He'll chase you down and confront you and enrage you until you end up getting into an argument with him that you cannot win. When he's satisfied his need for conflict and to make you feel bad about yourself, he walks away, remembers only the bits that he wants to, and acts like everything is fine again.

It is terrifying to have to deal with a mind like that.

Techniques of trying to positively disengage, don't work because he will Never let anything go.

Most people don't get it. They see the 'poor disabled person who needs your understanding" and they cannot imagine having to live with someone who uses their intelligence to eviscerate those around him.

(He did engage in self-harming and threatening physical behavior as well, cutting himself, threatening me and his brother with a kitchen knife, threatening to kill himself) but at least with those physical behaviors I can 'do something' to make them stop.

The mental abuse is far far worse.

And most people just can't see beyond the charming courageous mask. Which is why as a parent you end up feeling like you are the problem, have no self-esteem and suffer PTSD symptoms even when your son has moved out and just emails you.

He wants to be a lawyer.

He'd be terrifyingly good at that if he can get it together.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[almostvegan]

Oh those words can hurt so much! Even more than physical blows! These BPDs sure know how to

Push our buttons!

[Being Mindful]

Kate,

Are you able to leave the house when he becomes verbally abusive?

Being Mindful

[Kate4queen]

Actually he has left the house now, so he can't do it any more. It is so liberating. When he was here I couldn't always leave when he behaved like that because of his younger siblings.

[jellibeans]

My dd15 rages like that... .  following me from room to room... .  blocking my exit... .  very agressive at times... .  Have you tried calling the police? I would suggest that next time. You don't have to put up with the abuse.

If things are really bad I leave the house for a short bit until she can calm herself a bit. I am told that this is a kind of emotional seizure. My daughter doesn't remember all of it and her anger is out of control. Have you tried the DBT therapy? This has helped my daughter... .  given her some tools to help calm down.

I use to be hurt by what she said but now I know it is not her it is the illness talking... .  I try to remain calm and try to encourage her to calm down and take a time out until we can talk again. Your sons needs some skills to cope but you don't have to take abuse.

[opheliasmom]

Kate, maybe your son and my daughter could start a law firm together. LOL.  My 19 year old dwBPD is relentless with her verbal attacks, and even though I know it is her disorder speaking it still hurts.  When I don't engage, when I remain calm the rages tend to be much shorter.  However, I am not a robot and there are times when I forget every skill I have and our arguments turn in to all out battles.   Progress not perfection.  I know that she will continue to provide me with many more opportunities to practice S.E.T and other skills.  This is frustrating and painful, but you are not alone.

[lbjnltx]

Dear Kate,

My first  moment came when I was in that place of being verbally assaulted and blamed for every misery my then d10 experienced was when I verbalized to myself "I am being abused".  I had not put that label on her behavior before as I was so lost in the painful experience and at the same time I couldn't figure out why I was so angry at her pain.  Too admit that I was allowing myself to be abused was infuriating and liberating as I made the decision that it will stop.

I had and still have no power to control my now dd16.  I did and still do have the power to control myself and the situations I put myself in.  I set boundaries based on what I value... .  my mental and emotional well being.

Oh those words can hurt so much! Even more than physical blows! These BPDs sure know how to

Push our buttons!

Those words can wound us to our core... .  learning how to cope is key.

My dd15 rages like that... .  following me from room to room... .  blocking my exit... .  very agressive at times... .  Have you tried calling the police? I would suggest that next time. You don't have to put up with the abuse.

If things are really bad I leave the house for a short bit until she can calm herself a bit. I am told that this is a kind of emotional seizure. My daughter doesn't remember all of it and her anger is out of control. Have you tried the DBT therapy? This has helped my daughter... .  given her some tools to help calm down.

I use to be hurt by what she said but now I know it is not her it is the illness talking... .  I try to remain calm and try to encourage her to calm down and take a time out until we can talk again. Your sons needs some skills to cope but you don't have to take abuse.

This is a good example of enforcing boundaries when skills don't work.

  When I don't engage, when I remain calm the rages tend to be much shorter.  However, I am not a robot and there are times when I forget every skill I have and our arguments turn in to all out battles.   Progress not perfection.  I know that she will continue to provide me with many more opportunities to practice S.E.T and other skills.  This is frustrating and painful, but you are not alone.

This is a good example of how skills that help us cope can affect positive change with a well versed reminder that it is a process.

These same boundaries can be applied when technology is the route that the abuse is delivered... texts, phone calls, emails... .  

People, and even pwBPD, repear behaviors because there is a payoff for them in those behaviors. 

What is the payoff for your son when he is relentless in his abusive rants at you?  How do you respond now that he is not living at home?  Do you have boundaries set and stated to him concerning this kind of abuse?

lbj

[Kate4queen]

We took him off our phone plan so he can only email or write to us. I took his key away and he is aware that he is not to come to the house for any reason or we will call the police.

These boundaries have helped tremendously.

When he emails, (We generally let him make the contact) we take a long time to discuss how we are going to reply. We don't engage in side discussions designed to lure us into an argument and focus on the issue in hand. We also turn the situation around and hand it back to him to solve.

I try for 3 sentences. One to state the issue in a validating way, two that answers the specific question i.e. "I have put your textbooks in your car so you can return them." and three remind him that the problem is his and not ours.

He hates it.

But at the moment, we're standing firm and he's having to work out how to deal with that by probing and testing and trying all the old tricks that used to make us start defending ourselves or get angry. We're resolved to take the emotion out of the situation because he thrives on that discord.

One thing I read recently about BPD is that presenting a calm neutral face can actually cause the person way more stress and anger because they can't read it very well and tend to assume the worse. it would make sense with my son because my husband and I are generally calm reasonable people, and he only seemed satisfied when he'd got one of us to loose it and only responded and stopped the behavior when the conflict escalated to a level he could understand. Horrible but true.

[Kate4queen]

Kate, maybe your son and my daughter could start a law firm together. LOL.  My 19 year old dwBPD is relentless with her verbal attacks, and even though I know it is her disorder speaking it still hurts.  When I don't engage, when I remain calm the rages tend to be much shorter.  However, I am not a robot and there are times when I forget every skill I have and our arguments turn in to all out battles.   Progress not perfection.  I know that she will continue to provide me with many more opportunities to practice S.E.T and other skills.  This is frustrating and painful, but you are not alone.

Can you imagine the monthly meetings? 

[lbjnltx]

I can see why a "neutral" expression would send the message  "you don't care". 

Maintaing control over our emotions sometimes involves shutting down... .  that's really not the answer either is it... .  then we "don't care".  How many times have we, as parents, been accussed of "loving them too much"?  How hard do we have to work to control our compassion or our true non judgemental concern?

It is the anger, frustration, and hopelessness that we feel that needs controlling... .  that was it for me.  The fear drove the anger, frustration and hopelessness... .  fear.  Fear for my daughter and her future, fear that my life was always going to be this way... .  chaos,  turmoil, destruction.  I had to find a safe place... .  I created it through boundaries.  I had to learn how to communicate my love to her... .  I did it with authentic validation.  I had to let go of what I could not control and focus on what I could... .  I did it with radical acceptance.  I had to do everything I could do to help her that was within my power while I still had the power to do it.  I did not want to look in the mirror at a broken and beaten down old woman in 15 years and wonder "what if?"

The way you are handling communication through boundaries is excellent I believe.

What else can you do to for self... .  to build yourself up in confidence?  What skills might you need to focus on to do that?  What can you do to improve your relationship with your precious son?

[jellibeans]

Thank you again lbjnitx... .  your wisdom is so helpful... .  you really see through it all... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

I can see why a "neutral" expression would send the message  "you don't care". 

Maintaing control over our emotions sometimes involves shutting down... .  that's really not the answer either is it... .  then we "don't care".  How many times have we, as parents, been accussed of "loving them too much"?  How hard do we have to work to control our compassion or our true non judgemental concern?

It is the anger, frustration, and hopelessness that we feel that needs controlling... .  that was it for me.  The fear drove the anger, frustration and hopelessness... .  fear.  Fear for my daughter and her future, fear that my life was always going to be this way... .  chaos,  turmoil, destruction.  I had to find a safe place... .  I created it through boundaries.  I had to learn how to communicate my love to her... .  I did it with authentic validation.  I had to let go of what I could not control and focus on what I could... .  I did it with radical acceptance.  I had to do everything I could do to help her that was within my power while I still had the power to do it.  I did not want to look in the mirror at a broken and beaten down old woman in 15 years and wonder "what if?"

The way you are handling communication through boundaries is excellent I believe.

What else can you do to for self... .  to build yourself up in confidence?  What skills might you need to focus on to do that?  What can you do to improve your relationship with your precious son?

Thank you. You are always so thoughtful and put things so concisely.

At the moment, I'm focusing (with the help of a therapist) on letting go of the acute fear and beginning to accept I can't change him, control him or fix him and that I have a right to feel safe in my own home. Taking the emotions out of our discussions changes everything, having the time to think before being forced into making decisions at his speed is liberating.

We're getting there. We still love him, but we're learning that we have to love ourselves as well and that we deserve it.

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful Kate!

Here is some information that may help you towards your goal:

Radical Acceptance for family members

 

lbj