I need to vent :-)

[Me_]

Hello all,

I've been here reading for quite some time now. It's sad how many stories are on here... .  

This night, I've had enough. Nothing major happened, I simply just had enough. I feel myself distancing.

After almost 3 years of ups and downs, highs and lows, I literally don't have any energy left to deal with him.

He has done much worse than what he did tonight. The blaming, the painting black, ... .  All of that, is so much worse. So I don't really understand why I had enough.

He had a habbit of changing his realtionship statusses on facebook. Such a status has never been important to me with previous boyfriends, but somehow he managed to make me vulnerable to it.

In the beginning I just asked him on facebook to be in a relationship with me. He didn't want to do that. And just because he was so certain he wouldn't to that, it intriged me. Then out of the blue he did it himself.

Over the years, he kept chaning it from in a relationship with Me_, in a relationship, single, or just nothing at all. And by now it has gotten me so annoyed about that subject, that I became to hate it. And for this night, there's nothing on the profile. Not in a relationship, not single, just blank. Nothing. And interested in women.

He's gone to bed already, he has to work the early shift tomorrow. Usually, it would irritate the hell out of me, but tonight, I can feel nothing but sadnes, for him. I don't feel sad for me, or about the situation. Just sad for him, that he can't be like most of us. That he has to do this, just to get my attention? Me begging to change it so he can feel superior? I don't know... .  But he sure will want to get something out of it.

And well, I just can't be bothered with it anymore.

A little bit of resentment though, cause he had to do this - ofcourse - 2 days before my birthday. Gosh, if I stay with him, will I never be able to have a nice, happy, free of anything birthday? I used to be scare for birthdays and holidays. Now I drag them. I'm not afraid or scared anymore, I just know what is coming, wish the day will be over soon, and life can get back to normal.

If it weren't for the house we just bought, I guess this would be the night that I decide to leave.

But since we're only living in "our" house for over 7 months, it would be so hard and so difficult and such a loss of money to leave.

PS: he was doing fine for over a year with little downs and lows, so that's the reason we decided to buy a house. If I would knew before that things would escalate after bying a the house - I would never have considered to buy a house with him. Ofcourse I know that Borderline doesn't cure on its own. But if we were doing like the year before the house, I would have lived a happy life.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I needed to vent. To people who understand :-)

Talking to my mum about it is pointless, she just doesn't know how it is to be living like this.

[Washisheart]

Noone understands!

but yes, holidays are dreaded... .  

[Me_]

Thank you for the reply :-)

I just re-read my post, I really needed to vent it seems.

I thought that there never would come a day that I would get "used" to it, and not care anymore. Right now, if he stays, it's fine. If he leaves again, it's fine. Never thought I would get to that point. Always thought it would be heartcrushing when he left. I simply can't care right now.

I know I'll have fun on my birthday. And if he feels the need to ruin it, he'll will not attend my party. I'll go party on my own, with my friends and family. I'm turning 27, raised up till now two beautiful sons, I deserve to be happy and careless on my birthday :-) I've already promised to myself, that nothing he can do will ruin my birthday. I won't allow him too.

And if he wants to be a brat on my birthday, I'll simply ignore it and not care for one more day :-)