forced to choose

[Parents! Get help here!]

Uh, oh.  Our son's T has strongly recommended "minimized exposure" to our dd18.  Oof.  That is tough.  Talk about feeling like we need to choose.  And we really respect her opinion.  She is a trauma specialist and has worked with our family for about a year, though not our dd directly.  She recommended some quite specific changes with our dd.  Specifically that we do not do anymore overnights until she can commit to more emotional stability, no ranting, raging, emotional explosions.  Not even any home visits until more emotional control. 

(What I forgot to mention is dd was with us last night.  Had the whole family up until 1am crying, blaming, etc.  More this morning due to inability to work with time... .  Whole family hostage.  And I got frustrated and told her to know it off.  Which is maybe the 3rd time in 2 years I have really lost my patience with her.  And I did.  She was just irrational. ) 

Anyway, son's T sees us as needing to have even more out of her process.  I fully see how she feels abandoned, but I am not willing to continue to subject us all to her abuse.  Even if it isn't intentional abuse.  We are going to need to tell her we are not able to meed her needs so she will not be returning home.  (She keeps asking.)  We will assist her in finding what she needs as she will allow us.  This is going to be really tough as she is not doing well in many ways.  She has continues to burn through all of her relationships.  We are trying to enforce rules around communication and are going to have to be stronger about that too. 

There is so much more, but I think that is the base.  What do you all think?  Any tips or suggestions?  She is away visiting a friend for a few days ,so we have a little time to plan. 

I am conflicted.  It feels good to be validated - it feels horrible to need to do this. But as long as nothing changes, nothing will change.

Thank you all for listening.

OTM

[onetiredmom]

Uh, oh.  Our son's T has strongly recommended "minimized exposure" to our dd18.  Oof.  That is tough.  Talk about feeling like we need to choose.  And we really respect her opinion.  She is a trauma specialist and has worked with our family for about a year, though not our dd directly.  She recommended some quite specific changes with our dd.  Specifically that we do not do anymore overnights until she can commit to more emotional stability, no ranting, raging, emotional explosions.  Not even any home visits until more emotional control. 

(What I forgot to mention is dd was with us last night.  Had the whole family up until 1am crying, blaming, etc.  More this morning due to inability to work with time... .  Whole family hostage.  And I got frustrated and told her to know it off.  Which is maybe the 3rd time in 2 years I have really lost my patience with her.  And I did.  She was just irrational. ) 

Anyway, son's T sees us as needing to have even more out of her process.  I fully see how she feels abandoned, but I am not willing to continue to subject us all to her abuse.  Even if it isn't intentional abuse.  We are going to need to tell her we are not able to meed her needs so she will not be returning home.  (She keeps asking.)  We will assist her in finding what she needs as she will allow us.  This is going to be really tough as she is not doing well in many ways.  She has continues to burn through all of her relationships.  We are trying to enforce rules around communication and are going to have to be stronger about that too. 

There is so much more, but I think that is the base.  What do you all think?  Any tips or suggestions?  She is away visiting a friend for a few days ,so we have a little time to plan. 

I am conflicted.  It feels good to be validated - it feels horrible to need to do this. But as long as nothing changes, nothing will change.

Thank you all for listening.

OTM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Onetiredmom,

I can't imagine how hard and heartbreaking it is to watch your daughter suffering.  Your dd is capable of doing anything she sets her mind to.  She just has to want to set her mind to it.  It sounds like you've been down a rough road and your dd has to find another road to go down for awhile so you can heal and recooperate and maybe she can come back stronger and you can work on your relationship.

Minimal contact is a hard boundary to set and I wish you the best of luck in holding that boundary.  Pray and send good thoughts to her every day and realize that for now that's the best you can do for her and your family.

[lbjnltx]

Greetings onetiredmom  

Are there any therapuetic housing options for your d?  Any job training assistance available?

Does she attend any kind of group therapy?

[onetiredmom]

Unfortunately our dd is 18 and refuses anyone's suggestions, advice.  She is only agreeing to see the 'therapist' that completely buys into her 'stuff' - she won't see anyone that does not agree with and not challenge her.  She is committed to running  her own show  - and it isn't working!

[lbjnltx]

That does make a difficult situation even more difficult... .  unfortunately it is somewhat "typical" of a BPD 18 year old.  

My suggestion... .  for what it is worth as this is your life and your family... .  would be:

Do some research and find out what assistance is available to her for housing, job training, employment help, financial assistance, and transportation.

Write it all down according to what each option offers.

Have a meeting with your daughter, tell her what it will take on her part to continue to live in your home and what the consequences are if she cannot live by the rules or family values. Give her a time frame to move out if that is what she chooses consciously or by default.

Hand her the list of resources you found and tell her it is up to her if she chooses to investigate and/or advocate for herself.  Offer assistance to help her get started filling out paper work or providing necessary documents. 

So sorry that you are in this difficult position. :'(