Nobody likes SO w BPD... getting embarrassing...

[Washisheart]

I feel so bad even saying this, but it has been really getting to me lately. And at the end of work today, my coworker says she can't stand my bf, he gets on her nerves and at the christmas party he worked her nerves because he wouldn't take his sunglasses off. I am always hearing about how obnoxious he is, how people can only handle him in small doses, he has diarrhea of the mouth, he is immature & needs to grow the hit_ up, etc etc.

For four years... .  

And it has never never bothered me. Until now... .  

Maybe its the new understanding of why? I don't know. All I know is I cringe now whenever someone says something about him & wish he would just calm down & be normal.

I don't want to see him go through his entire life with people ducking &hiding when they hear his car pull up. But I also can't tell him, he will cuss them out & write them off.

Please tell me I am not the only one dealing with this!

[mssomebodynice]

Well I know my BPD has made some people feel that way.  Mostly women talk about him badly.  He doesn't have any guy friends.  He has owned in the past that some women are angry with him, but implied it was because he wasn't interested in them and they wanted him.  When we first started dating, a good friend of mine said she knew him and was very close to his sister.  His sister hated that he would date her friends and then leave them.  She said she couldn't stand him.  Couldn't see what I or anyone else ever saw in him.  "He was so full of himself, and please tell him I said so" she said.  I mentioned that I knew her.  He smiled and asked if she said anything about him?  Before I could answer he stated that she had a big crush on him.  I said gently, "uh, she never liked you." He said it was because he wasn't interested in dating her but appeared shocked that she said this.  I said, "Uh, no!  No she definately didn't ever like you at all!"  He looked perplexed.  I shrugged and laughed.  Hmm, wow.  I have certainly learned a lot since then.  I wish my intuition had been as strong as hers.  It all just makes me feel stupid.  Everything about this relationship makes me feel so ignorant.  Tricked in a sense.  Cheated and played because it wasn't really him during the honeymoon period.  It wasn't the person I know now.  My friends all dislike him too.

[gina louise]

OK My uBPD (w/NPD traits)H is older but had those touchy past r/s with friends that ended poorly. Why did so many women act coldly to me when they just met me- yet he was clearly enamored of them?

I got walked away from a lot while meeting his "friends". I never got that.

I figured they were mad at him... .  for maybe leading them on, being too flirty, and then showing up with me-a gf, who was later his WIFE. The nerve!

And he said a lot, no A LOT of his r/s ended in flames and disaster with a lot of "EFF you!" "NO EFF YOU'"s being tossed about. Short, messed up r/s from a guy who is mid fifties?

He was constantly trying to angle for women a good 10-15 years younger. But he looked his age!

It made no sense to me.

His persona was very ordinary and well mannered on the surface... .  well what I saw, at least.

but I was so wrong.

GL

[Shaktipat]

I have let go of being embarrasses about things my husband does and says.  He is an adult,  I cannot control him,  or anyone else for that matter,  and he will just have to be responsible for his own actions. People will think what they want to think about him,  and I can't change that.  It doesn't reflect upon me,  I am not his mother.

[atcrossroads]

My husband has a charm, wit, and intellect that draw people like a magnet. People often tell me, "he's so funny" or smart or whatever.  This is his life of the party persona.  But, he also has the demon inside and you never know what will trigger him... .  small innocuous comments that are perceived by him as slights ... .  that's the worst.  *Most* people (most, not all of our colleagues, friends) have seen his dark side.  He can be wickedly cruel and there is often no making up with him (well, maybe he will split someone white in a year or many months later and then they will be golden to him again). 

I honestly think his inner anger is visible to intuitive people -- I believe many people are ill at ease around him.  At work when he flares up or gets reactionary about things (and he is very often very ANGRY about some perceived slight or injustice at work), people stay away - don't want to be in that line of fire.


The other piece that really embarrasses me is how he is so overwhelming negative so much of the time and plays the victim -- his poor me/pity parties I believe drive people away from him too.  Ultimately, he does have just a few close friends.  They are linked either through work (equally negative types) or share an enjoyment of marijuana.

My friend told me recently that when she told her parents we were separated (this is 10+ year marriage), her mom said she wasn't surprised... .  that I have always seemed to be so sincere and compassionate and he has always seemed so ... .  angry.  Interesting.  She has been around him in many social situations where he's been jovial, so I think this statement is intuitive of what underlies the surface.

Yes, I agree with you it's embarrassing (I am separated/same house and heading for divorce... .  sorry, but I do float between the different boards).

I'm sorry, too, that you are dealing with this.  :-(