I'm so sick, so sick and tired

[Chattgirl]

I can't take this anymore but I can't take the hurt of him being gone. My chest hurts I can't breath. My eyes are always tired and sore from no sleep. My BPD has been ignoring me for two and a half months again. This is the fourth time. In the past he has blown through 30,000 dollars and cheated and been on dating sites and blocked my number. He had someone call my work and try to get me fired from my great nursing job and it almost worked. Every other day I'm blocked then unblocked and then he will spend no time with me. He is literally metal detecting like a psychopath in the woods everyday for like 8-9 hours and turns his phone off. When we do try to talk he screams yells breaks things and his face flinches. Then he's the love able teddy bear again. During one of the earlier break ups he had my name tattooed on him and recently bought a house in my town to be with me. Two days after moving in the BPD hit again and he cared nothing about our new home. I wanted to try to stay by his side if he would get treatment but like the others he thinks I'm the problem. He was severely abused, abandoned and neglected as a child. I fell deeply in love during the idealized phase having no idea there were even people out here like this. If I turn my back everything I ever believed about love and God and his miracles will be forever ruined. The most important things I believed in my life are not true. My love is not enough. Gods not helping fast enough to save me. I'm at my breaking point something has to give. I have prayed and prayed for him to get insight. My mental health is diminishing but I don't know how much more of this emotional cruelty I can bare. I'm breaking. I loved him more than anything I feel empty and devastated. He has had so much control over me that I don't know what to do or how to feel by myself. I'm not crazy at some points this has been the most wonderful times of my life but its also been the worst. Thanks for listening I needed to vent I have no one in my world that can even close to understand this.

[mnwushu89]

Only you can decide what is best for you. It does help to vent believe me I know exactly what you mean. All my friends and family just told me "it was only a year long relationship, cut your losses and move on". What they don't know is how that year I felt like the core of myself and soul was shaken in a full spectrum of both positive and negative. So yes believe and know that you are not alone.

I would ask you to really think logically though hard because I just came to that realization myself that however joyful and loved I felt and still feel is itv truly worth it. Sacrificing everything and essentially ourselves to get the treatment we do in return? You have been through a lot and why I can relate situations are never the exact same. Only thing I can say is we are worth more than the pain, hurt, and roller coaster ride.

There will come a moment or time that YOU will know and have a sense of liberation and everything will become clear. I had mine the other day when my exBPDgf started to rage on me saying she never loved me the year we spent together was pathetic etc etc. I then realized that though she probably did not mean those things that no amount of love I had could make this situation work any longer and my soul could not take it. I feel you are close to that moment for yourself and you will know. Regardless of your actions you are a good person worthy of love and positive energy. Best of luck to you

[Surnia]

Chattgirl

so sorry to hear your struggle with your bf. I feel your pain.

In the same time I am glad you didn't lost your good job. As you mentioned it, you went through the best and the worst times in your life. Could you imagine to detach from both, the best and the worst?

Yes, love is sometimes not enough. I can relate with this. We can give loving support and we have to be very careful were the limits are.

Did you ever consider to work with a therapiste to overcome your pain?

[wdone]

i completely get what you are going through, i get the pain and confusion and love.   

his behavior does not make sense.it is crazy making.

as i have learned, the only thing we can do is

detach with love,

learn how to talk to him,

take cares of ourselves,

make choices and for ourselves

define my bottom lines (what i want, what i will and will not put up with - for myself)

have boundaries and follow through with them.

big stuff, and hard for me to do... .  

this is the most bizzare, beautiful, challening relaitionship i have ever been in. i have never loved someone this much, felt so special, and felt so disregarded at the same time.

i hope you have some peace in your day today. 

[OTH]

Hi Chat,



Two wounded people looking to each for healing is a recipe for disaster. Like they say on the airplanes you must first secure your own oxygen mask before helping your loved one.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95728.msg945784#msg945784

[numenal]

Hi Chat,

It's good you are here and reaching out. Listen, I want to point out some things you wrote that are not true.

"... .  but I can't take the hurt of him being gone." Ok, I know the pain of separation is like having both legs cut off, and an axe wedged in your heart, but believe me it passes. You know, it's like when addicts are removed from their beloved substance: it hurts like hell. But it is worth it to get away from the destructive substance. In your situation, he is the destructive element. Here is another untruth:

"If I turn my back, everything I ever believed about love and God and his miracles will be forever ruined." No, not forever. In fact, have you thought perhaps God is not changing this disordered person's abusive and terrible behavior so that you will leave and get to a better, healthier place so you can, at some point, meet a man who is truly good for you, and truly good TO you on a regular basis instead of only sometimes? Does what you have believed about love include abuse? Because real love doesn't.

The man with the disorder is not going to get insight. He is only going to continue controlling, and be a cruel factor in your life. You have paid enough with your strained mental health and probably physically paid, too. Sleep deprivation is really unhealthy (I know from past experience with a guy who had BPD (w/NPD traits)).

For whatever reason, you have taken on the role of "controlee." This is not safe. Please spend time away from the man, both by yourself and with at least one trusted friend or family member. Remember who you are, what you like and do not like, what you enjoy doing, and what you think--without him.

In order to set any boundaries with this guy (which is necessary no matter what), you have to take a step back. Who is he to deserve such devotion and anguished attention from a person he has been abusive toward? How is he so wonderful if he toys with your emotions cruelly? He has enjoyed a position of power in your relationship and, imho, his time is done. His reign on the throne should come to and end.

[Chattgirl]

Everyone's comments have been so helpful and I appreciate them all so much. I am feeling a little better today. He has broke the silence today by texting that I'm the love of his life but he can't answer to anyone but he will always love and miss me. He says he is not looking for anyone.  Basically the same old it's you not me game. I was proud of myself .  For the first time ever I didn't respond and my heart was not broken by his I miss you business. He still wanting to be in complete control and accept no responsibility for his behavior. The only text I want to see is I need your support for therapy and I don't think I'm going to get it. This is very painful and to the last poster your right maybe God does have something better for me. I just hope he heals my heart soon and brings someone into my life who can truly love and respect me. For the moment I'm trying to swallow my panic and live one day at a time. The future looks scarey but it doesn't feel as bad in the moment. Thanks so much. I will keep everyone up to date.

[numenal]

Just want to add one more thing. Before being able to welcome into your life someone better, it is important to get a solid sense of you and who you are. That will help your life in general for the better, and will help attract a healthier-minded, more balanced and loving person.