How to deal with BPD son trying to split off much younger sibling?

[Kate4queen]

My 21 year old son had left our house and is living down the road with his new loving supportive family.  

His 19 year old brother, continues to see him-we aren't happy about it because this kid has been brainwashed and isolated by his brother. But he's an adult and we're hoping that showing him how much nicer our home is without the BPD behavior in it will eventually help him work out how to deal with his brother. And at some point you just know that younger bro is going to do something 'independent' and piss off BPD bro.

Our older son will have nothing to do with the BPD brother after years of putting up with his manipulation.

The issue is, we also have a 10 year old daughter.

She's spent her whole life being alternatively glorified or vilified by her BPD brother and she instinctively doesn't trust him and she's told me she is scared of him and that she is glad he isn't at home anymore. (she was one of the primary reasons why we finally set boundaries to stop son coming home).

Yesterday she came to me and showed me a letter her BPD brother had written her-which her other bro had hand-delivered.(also not good)

It was a lovely letter saying how much he missed her and loved her, but with no mention of his older brother and only a couple of references to "Your parents"

But it's not okay.

It's an attempt to get to see her.

I'm not okay with where that leads... .  

What steps would you take to safeguard your ten year old?

We have some ideas but I'm really interested to see how hard a boundary we need to set here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Satori]

The first question is, does she even want to see him? I wouldn't make her if she didn't want to. If she did, I'm not sure what sort of protections I'd put in place except to be with her when seeing him. If he's scary, he shouldn't be alone with a child whether she is his sister or not.

[Kate4queen]

The first question is, does she even want to see him? I wouldn't make her if she didn't want to. If she did, I'm not sure what sort of protections I'd put in place except to be with her when seeing him. If he's scary, he shouldn't be alone with a child whether she is his sister or not.

At the moment she's fairly ambivalent about seeing him.

And first and foremost I'm listening to her. I've told her it's okay to say how she feels and that we will do what she wants.

I know he'd be on his best behavior if he did see her because he's really desperate to get her back, but that could change in a second. I don't think he'd be physically violent, it's just that he has to control everything and thinks we don't bring her up in the right way and that he could do it better. It's very subversive.

As I have no contact with him apart from email I don't want to see him either. (shudder)

I think we just need to set more boundaries and keep her safe.

[Satori]

What does he want her for? Were they ever close?

If she's ambivalent, I'd say let it alone. The two of them could write letters to each other or maybe talk on the phone. It doesn't sound as though things could possibly go well letting them get together under the circumstances.

[Kate4queen]

What does he want her for? Were they ever close?

If she's ambivalent, I'd say let it alone. The two of them could write letters to each other or maybe talk on the phone. It doesn't sound as though things could possibly go well letting them get together under the circumstances.

He's always thought my dh and I are bad parents and he thinks he is the one who should be giving her advice and bringing her up properly-yup.

It's all about control and having her on his side in the imaginary 'war' he thinks he is fighting with the rest of his family.

I think I'll let him write to her and leave it up to her whether she responds or not or wants to see him in a safe, supervised environment.

[js friend]

Hi Kate4queen, I think you are right to be worried. Often pwBPD will use others in triangulation  when they have split us.

My dd has done this a lot over the years...  

[jojospal]

Have you explained to your ten year old that her brother has a mental illness? She should know that he sees the world differently than most, and that if she is ever upset or confused, to come and talk to you about it.

I wouldn't allow them to spend time alone together either.

[Kate4queen]

Have you explained to your ten year old that her brother has a mental illness? She should know that he sees the world differently than most, and that if she is ever upset or confused, to come and talk to you about it.

I wouldn't allow them to spend time alone together either.

She knows the basics, and she was the one who brought the letter (her other brother who still lives at home  is the only one still in physical contact with the BPD son) gave to her to me to read. I knew she was worried because she did that and I was pleased that she did it because it gave me the chance to talk to her again about what is going on and how she has the right to say how she feels about the situation and not have to see him if she doesn't want to.

[jojospal]

It is wonderful that she came to you.

About six years ago, my youngest was 15 years old and she wanted to go to her big sisters city to see George Jones. (She is still a big fan). It's a ten hour bus ride, but I was more worried about what she would have to deal with, in regards to her sister once she got there, than the trip. I warned her that her older sister would be at about the same maturity level as her. When she came home, she said she really enjoyed herself, but that her sister, who is ten years older, did a few things at the concert that embarrassed her.

We had sheltered our youngest from the drama while the oldest was still in the home. It wasn't until this last year that she realized how ill her sister is. She kind of got mad at us for not filling her in on all the details, especially of when they were younger. But, we never lied to her about it. I remember going through a work book called, "Someone In My Family Has A Mental Illness" with her.

She's almost 21 now, her sister, BPD dd31, has had a really bad year but, it doesn't affect her young life. That means the world to me.

[Kate4queen]

It is wonderful that she came to you.

About six years ago, my youngest was 15 years old and she wanted to go to her big sisters city to see George Jones. (She is still a big fan). It's a ten hour bus ride, but I was more worried about what she would have to deal with, in regards to her sister once she got there, than the trip. I warned her that her older sister would be at about the same maturity level as her. When she came home, she said she really enjoyed herself, but that her sister, who is ten years older, did a few things at the concert that embarrassed her.

We had sheltered our youngest from the drama while the oldest was still in the home. It wasn't until this last year that she realized how ill her sister is. She kind of got mad at us for not filling her in on all the details, especially of when they were younger. But, we never lied to her about it. I remember going through a work book called, "Someone In My Family Has A Mental Illness" with her.

She's almost 21 now, her sister, BPD dd31, has had a really bad year but, it doesn't affect her young life. That means the world to me.

Thanks for this, it really helps to hear that you managed this situation and gives me hope for the future. One of the reasons that we finally stopped saving our 21 yr old was because my daughter was scared of him and left cowering in her room when he raged or was all over her being sweet as pie and I just couldn't stand to watch him trying to control her.

[vivekananda]

Hi there,

It seems like you have it all under control... .  hopefully  it's a difficult situatin you face eh?

I am reminded of my sister with BPD and what would have helped me. In retrospect, if I had known about how to validate, if I had known about 'being mindful', my values (although my schooling did a good job there) and things like that - then I would have been not only able to protect myself from the pain and hurt trying to figure out my sister, I would have known how to handle her. The added bonus would have been that with my own BPDdd32, I would have been actively practising those things that would have helped her manage her BPD from childhood and maybe prevented her and our pain.

That's a more long term view, but learning about these things could be a real help for your dd. That would require you to model them of course, to verbalise what you are doing, in order to actively identify what you are doing.

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders