overdue update - making progress of sorts

[momontherun]

Its been awhile since I have been here and so much has happened ... .  some progress has been made of sorts. I have completed reading Overcoming BPD, Walking on Eggshells, and the Essential Family guide to BPD. I have the walking on eggshells workbook and really need to start working in it yet I am finding myself avoiding it rationalizing I have to do this and that... .  always an excuse although rather good ones like I have to do self care to replenish my reserves to continue to help ds11 work through his anger/self esteem/fear/guilt, ds4 with his speech/fine motor skills, all the dr appointments for them (ENT, vaccinations, sickness), trying to find myself as well as ds11 our own T's, playing referee between ds11/ds4 and ds11/ ds4's dad, listening (and practicing validation) to ds4's dad's emotional state having a hard time with all the loss he is facing (he works in a residential home for seniors and this is the time of year the majority pass), helping my bro with his paperwork for the courts/ss/public assistance (divorced his wife - her choosing, left him homeless - moved him in after flying him to me now his ex is trying to amend their custody agreement - he has fibromyalgia and learning disabilities which leaves him limited for work let alone the technicalities of the paperwork he has to do), trying to establish strict boundaries so its easier for when dd15 comes home from rtc, weekly teleconferences with dd15 for our family therapy and personal talk time, prepping for puppies due to be born as soon as Sunday, cleaning up after the holidays -let alone daily cleaning, cooking and errands... .  the list goes on and on.

DD15 is now a self declared lesbian. I am not sure if its experimentation or a new person to enmesh herself with... .  T working with her doesn't know either. I assured her it doesn't matter - it doesn't change my love or view of her as I deeply feel sexuality is a PERSONAL preference- I just don't like it thrown in my face. It's not just same sex though even "traditional" couples deeply kissing or making out bothers me- there is a time and place is my belief. I assured her I am going to continue supporting her in any way she allows no matter her personal choices as they are just that - personal. I may not understand it and that is ok - I don't have to. I just want my children to be happy. She got in trouble for kissing this girl (swears that's all she did) as another ratted dd15 out after she was caught making out with a different girl. DD15 accepted the punishment (moving to a more restricted dorm and on a 100 ft restriction from the girl alternating days for school/groups). She showed progress so was allowed to go back to her "team" dorm but still on the 11 ft restriction. Then she started dreaming of si - said it felt so real she had to check to see if she really did or not. Then this girl started spreading rumors to attack dd15 as retaliation to the punishment. When she heard about it, she lashed out and broke a light bulb then used the pieces to si... .  lots of little cuts in a 5" area. So now she is back in the restricted dorm and is really homesick begging me to bring her home - she realizes how good she had it at home, this isn't the place for her (although she helped pick it out), she has changed, she can continue to do so at home better than there etc. All I could do was tell her I miss her too, I want her home and all this to be over too yet it has been her actions which led her there and I am scared... .  this is a life long thing we need to get a handle on now while she is young and prove the dr's wrong in saying to expect frequent future hospitalizations (I know this is misleading but the only thing I could think of atm to keep her going). I could remove her however we are at a crucial point in her realizations to do so would do more harm so I cannot. I am proud of her leaps and bounds progress, I know she is too... .  she agreed to everything and aimed at my weak spot by saying she has never been away from us this long, she promises to never si again or be secretive. I almost laughed but caught myself surely looking like a mad woman - took a deep breath and calmly told her that may be so however I am too scared to find out besides before you got there we were estimating a year and here we are discussing you coming home for a trial week in March and be home as soon as June. In the meantime we still have to come up with contracts we both can live with, get your brothers used to the new you let alone myself, meet with your old T to see if she will or can take you back, find a dr to adjust your medications as necessary... .  so there is a lot of things that need to happen you don't see or hear about that I am working on so everything can be set in place for you coming home.

On the home front ds11 has improved only wetting the bed once a week, the nightmares are almost non existent, putting himself on time out to calm down (was daily now is 2-3 times a week), starting to share and discuss his thoughts/feelings, refuses to respond to the letters dd15 wrote to him but did talk with her on the phone - he seized the opportunity to tell her he doesn't believe she is sorry or has changed so he will not write to her, he does love and miss her just doesn't like her and is glad she is gone getting help she needs... .  she surprisingly took this pretty well saying she understands, its going to take time and all the more reason she should come home right now so she can prove it to him. He is now open to counseling (we tried last summer with threats to get him there and him giving the silent treatment during and a couple days afterward) He is starting to take inventory of his emotions (thanks to the anger management class through his school) to estimate how much he can take... .  he is embracing the new household rules and routines: all meals at the kitchen table, bedtime 9 pm for school days/non school days midnight, have to make beds/vacuum/sweep daily, limited to one night away from home instead of several, friday family fun nights - different theme each week etc. I keep finding stuff on pinterest to build for the house which he teases me about saying your a wierd mom doing guy stuff which I responded saying girls can do this stuff too why don't you help me and learn how to use some of the tools I have? He said see that's what I mean - girls shouldn't have as many tools as you do. He watched me build a hald door/farm gate on wheels to corral the dogs instead of baby gates which opened him up to help me build a closet in my room, attach a canvas frame on hinges on the wall to hide the ugly thermostat and is looking forward in helping me build a thin book case, wants a wooden triple bunk bed in his room instead of the metal double bunk bed etc. Learning "guy stuff" through his mom is wierd but gives him the opportunity to have more responsibility and taking pride in the stuff we are building which is building his confidence. DS4 is talking more clearly thanks to his speech therapy in school, he is getting off balance again which is directly related to his hearing - no ear infection and monday we have an appointment with the audiologist to see if there is fluid again (means 3rd set of tubes) or not (means fitting for a hearing aid). He is sleeping in his own bed now, going potty by himself, learning to get dressed, expanding his imagination (switches super hero costumes 5-6 times a day), working on his fine motor skills: using scissors, drawing lines, coloring etc. He gets to help using tools too like a screwdriver, helps me prepare meals (last night he was my egg dipper) etc. DD15 sends him a new picture she draws every week which he cherishes having to have them hung on the wall by his bed... .  he misses her and wants her back home. We all agreed to tell him she needs to be on "vacation"... .  its ok to miss her- we all do and hopefully her "vacation" will be over soon. 

Children's Services are finally getting the rest of the interviews done (dd15 had hers back in October, ds11 had his beginning of December, I just had mine) still have to have one with ds4's dad and my mom. The lady seemed surprised I knew where the allegations came from (dd15) which are different from last years allegations of neglect and abandonment (she had to cook, clean, babysit her brothers etc while I did nothing which was why she si'd). This year its just neglect - apparently I am an alcoholic getting so drunk daily that I stumble around, ignore the boys, get angry when I am pestered and refuses to do anything. oh and its not limited to alcohol either, I guess I smoke marijuana daily too. Also that ds11 is so out of control dd15 is afraid he is going to seriously hurt or kill ds4. I explained there is some truth to the allegations: I do drink 2-3 times a week like the kids drink their soda's because I enjoy the taste not to get drunk, I used to smoke marijuana like 9 yrs ago as a stress reliever when I was separating from their dad but stopped as I don't want the kids to think its ok, I am trying to give the kids more responsibility by having them help around the house (I tried allowance, begging, letting it all go - all to no avail), ds11 has hurt ds4 playing too roughly, ds11 does have anger issues but never acts on it choosing to use his words instead. Separation, 1/2/3 timeout and discussions are my allies in parenting - I try to find a natural consequence for punishment like slamming the door - you lose it for a week. If I cannot find one then its automatic restriction for a week- if it persists then another week is added etc. I encourage the kids to question so we can discuss behaviors for understanding because to me, if they understand then we can seek other solutions to stop the behaviors choosing to learn from them rather than ignore them. Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to decide what the best course of action is but no one is ever in immediate danger. Sometimes they think the punishment is too harsh like a 2 week restriction: 1 week for yelling at me cussing for demanding a time out and the second week added for challenging the first week by saying things like "bring it" or deducting time for bedtimes (say monday they don't go to bed til 11 when bedtime is 9 staying awake playing around, making excuses etc so I warn them to get to sleep or Tuesday they will owe me 2 hrs and go to bed at 7) etc. I am frequently looking up parenting advice for ideas to use as I don't want my kids fearful like I was growing up which the only solution was spankings, throwing things and lots of yelling. I don't work, hang out with friends or date ... .  all my choice and am pretty content with it as there is only a small amount of time raising the kids- I do have the dogs as my outlet which the kids are jealous of as they lay on me when we are watching tv, I bathe them once a month, brush them out once a week and scoop food in their bowls daily which takes up too much of my time in their eyes. I did try to do show training with one leaving for an hour once a week but again that was too much. Cooking, cleaning, running errands (paying bills, grocery shopping, dr and counseling appointments etc), budgeting, planning events (birthdays, holidays etc)and gardening when the kids are around - when they are not around (sleeping, school, at a friends or relatives house) its research, responding to emails, catching up with computer friends on facebook, looking up more affordable recipes to try, reading etc which all take up more of my time but are deemed acceptable as those are the things I am supposed to do. They are angry at me for leaving their alcoholic father and keeping them away from him not taking into account it was him that stayed away, blame me for his death because if I didn't leave him he wouldn't have died, jealous of ds4 because his dad is around actually being a dad, confused because we chose to be friends in raising ds4 then add on dd15 enmeshing herself in a person believing she cannot live without that person, painting everyone black or white, being secretive, changing the way she behaves depending what she assumes other people expect of her, manipulating people, si etc; ds11 looking up to dd15, almost constantly painted black being verbally beaten down and believing he is worthless, dumb, can't do anything right, tries so hard to be "perfect" so no one questions him, doesn't understand why dd15 gets more responsibility although there is a 4 year age difference or why ds4 doesn't get the same punishments like restrictions again not understanding the 7 year age difference as in his eyes they should all be treated the same because thats the fair thing to do, why dd15 gets her own room an he has to share with ds4 etc... .  they both understand the financial need to have a room mate to afford the house we live in but crave a traditional family like their friends, doesn't want to share me with anyone yet wants me to work and date etc.

Trying to find T's (1 for me, 1 for ds11 and 1 for dd15 when she returns) have been daunting either not accepting new clients, personality mismatch or won't take medicaid but I am still searching. We just don't have very many services without traveling and with the price of gas its almost impossible. I am starting a dbt family support group monday telephonically, there is a group restarting this summer called parenting with love and limits - they say this group really isn't enough for our situation but agreed it is a start. I am considering moving to a different state with more available resources for us though that means being further away from family doing this totally solo and I am not sure I can emotionally handle that though it may force me to seek other connections outside of the family. I do know I am doing absolutely everything I can at this point its just going to take time, restructuring, patience, determination, boundaries and learning to do things differently.

Thanks for letting me vent and get some of this stuff out of my head.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sam-99]

Venting is good. People are listening.

[lbjnltx]

Hello momontherun,

Wow... .  you are living in overburden!  So much to do and so little time.  Where do you get the energy?

I hope that your d returns to you healed in many ways.  While she is gone, try to rest some.  Take advantage of all the help you can find around you through family, friends, services, and churches.

 

lbj

[momontherun]

Thanks - it feels good to be heard from those that understand.

lbj,I hope so too- at least she is more appreciative of her home life at the moment although she isn't here and may quickly fade when she returns  ... .  it is a bit overwhelming constantly going - hence my name  I would be lost without my calenders an lists - dd15 likes to tease me about my subject lists (food, hygiene, seasonal, appointments) then a monthly master list which gets broken down to a weekly list which goes in my wallet. I think some of the energy comes from stress and some from replenishing my reserves through self care and breaking it all down so its easier. Here is a sample of my schedule:

Mondays - Clean bathroom, mirrors, vacuum dryer vent, wipe down shelves, garbage can and door.Sweep and mop all linoleum. olive/coconut oil hair mask after the kids go to bed - let sit for 20 minutes while on the computer - shower and bed

Tuesdays - Change and wash all bedding, sprinkle baking soda and lavender essential oil oil on mattresses (let sit 2 hrs then vacuume), clean windows and mirrors, wipe down window seals. Dry hair mask (mayo/egg) covered in foil for 1 hour while on the computer - shower and bed

Wednesdays - Weekly teleconference with dd15 and her T, throw away or freeze food not eaten - take out shelves to replace the saran wrap lining if any spills, Clean out microwave and stove top. Take food from freezer for the next weeks meals- make a list of needed items to get. Sweep and mop all linoleum, wipe down and/or polish appliances and cupboards, Wipe down pantry shelves and repackage items as needed, rinse out garbage can. A deep cleaning/hydrating facial after kids go to bed (Wash, brown sugar/olive oil scrub, steam face for 5 minutes, 15 minute egg/yogurt mask, witch hazel toner and a 20minute banana/yogurt/baking soda mask )

Thursdays - Shopping/Errands/Appointments. After kids go to bed a 1 hour hair stimulating mask (mustard powder/hot water/egg yolk/olive oil/sugar)... .  30 minutes on the computer and 30 minutes doing a body scrub(epsom salt/grapeseed oil/lavender oil)

Fridays - Sprinkle a baking soda/nutmeg mix on all carpeted areas for 1 hour while I remove all visible scuff marks from the walls, Dust (fan, plants, coffee/end tables,fireplace) and wipe down all trim molding then vacuum, sweep and mop all linoleum. Family Fun Night- we have a mason jar filled with different ideas we would like to do/try written on little pieces of paper, once its done then it gets thrown away. When the jar is empty again we get 15 pieces of paper each to fill out.

Saturdays- Clean out car, put stuff away in mudroom, wipe down all doors and clean up my room - the kids clean up their own rooms and whatever is not picked up when I am done with my room gets put in a box for them to earn back - whatever is not earned back come winter breakup gets donated. If all tasks are done 30 minutes before the afternoon open swim then we go swimming. Coconut oil/lemon juice overnight hair mask

Sundays - A free for all day to do whatever... .  lately, building furniture to help organize the house more, check house plants soil to water as needed.

Daily - Vacuum, make beds, do a load of laundry, wipe down counters,table an sweep after each meal, spray down shower/wipe out toilet, take out garbage, wash dishes in evening/put away in morning, 10 minute "hot" area pick up (living room, bathroom, kitchen, mudroom), make important phone calls/call backs, do a 15 minute activity with each kid (ds4 learning games, ds11 hunters education bb gun target practice/video games), help with homework, watch our favorite shows together to unwind or bath night (every other day), brush teeth, put kids to bed: read a bedtime story, choose something happy for the day and hope for the next, tuck in, hugs and kisses (ds11 is not always fast enough to dodge the kisses  ), Me time - usually on the computer but sometimes baths and reading - lots of reading

Monthly - Menu plan for the following month gathering all recipes, going over stockpile inventory (pantry, freezers), budgeting activities/celebrations/things that routinely go on sale that we need or want,going over/adjusting/remaking subject/master/weekly lists and go over goals for the following month.

Every 3 months - Wash all curtains and pillows, flip mattresses, clean upholstery and carpets, Wash stove hood filter, vacuum all vents and freezer/fridge coils, swap out all seasonal items from the little storage (the big storage is reserved for overflow, tools and projects), scrub baking pans and donate stuff outgrown/stained/holes, has no purpose or just don't want/use.

Every 6 months- Wash all walls

The only time we really vary from this schedule is during our very short summer to do gardening, set up the swimming pool/volleyball net/basketball/t-ball/trampoline and camping.

It sounds like a lot but really is done pretty quickly broken down this way- each task getting checked off as I go or I may be just used to it

[lbjnltx]

OMG!

You must have the cleanest house, prettiest hair and smoothest skin in the country!

I thought I was a list maker... .  you got me beat by a mile!

[griz]

Holy s... t.  I need to get more organized

Griz

[cfh]

I'm speechless!

[trainwreck4]

Holy s**t. I need to get my act together.

[momontherun]

  lbj -actually the environment I live in is very dry (Winter is ~6 months long, ~2 months of summer, ~1 month of spring and ~3 months of fall) so I have to do this beauty regimen otherwise my skin is flaky and scaly (lotions don't really help) and my hair would be dull, breaking off with lots of friz... .  the extra incentive is I now look younger than I did when I was in my late teens (although the grey hair quickly reminds me so when I see it - I do a quick dye job)- now only if I could grow my nails out without them breaking off all the time 

The cleaning is actually pretty quick - at the most an hour a day (kitchen) and at the least 10 minutes (bathroom) of actual cleaning... .  its all done methodically and worked in around my natural habits ie. I get up in the morning start the coffee pot (often reheating the last little bit from the day before to take with me) and before leaving the bathroom - spray down the shower, wipe out the sink, brush the toilet and start a load of laundry then get my fresh coffee - while I sip on it I put away the dishes and wipe down the counter then get ds4 breakfast running fresh very hot dishwater in the sink and add all the dishes from the night before (dessert bowls, cups etc.) then I go to my framed list and start checking off tasks for that day. By the time I am done, the dishwater is cool enough to stick my hands in - wash up whats there, wipe down the counter/table, sweep the floor (I live by a glacier and the silt gets in everything) then go and switch out laundry. Then when I go into the kitchen for water, I put away the clean dishes, wipe under the strainer then consult my magnetized menu board for what to cook for dinner, pull out the recipe card (leaving it on top of my coffee pot - I really need to laminate them) and bring out all ingredients to measure leaving warm items in little bowls on the counter and cold items in little bowls in the fridge (I freeze and can a lot of food so most of it is pre-measured shortly after I buy it so its freshest- a necessity when food prices are so outrageously high). Then I am pretty much at a stand still til the kids get home from school (in the fall/winter/spring and its play/gardening time in the summer if we aren't out camping, fishing or hunting)... .  come dinner time, I just take down the little magnetic recipe name card from the board putting in its little holder (the board is framed on a hinge on the wall to hide/hold all the pieces), pull everything out, fill up my sink with very hot dish water so as I use it it goes right in the sink - after dinner, I wash the dishes, wipe down the counters/table and sweep then my evening is free to spend with the kids. After our bedtime routine, I often have to go to the bathroom so while I am in there I consult my "beauty" sheet (hung on the inside of the medicine cabinet) then do it and its computer time. The next time I go into the kitchen, I take out the garbage, get my night clothes on then bedtime... .  that's pretty much it - going over it like this I realize I have too much time on my hands and seriously need a life outside of the home.

For idea's to get started on a cleaning routine that fits your lifestyle I highly suggest www.flylady.net/ (a personal cleaning coach  ) , for ideas on organizing I highly suggest iheartorganizing.blogspot.com/p/iheart-project-gallery.html, If you dread cooking or are going to be really busy for awhile there is www.onceamonthmom.com/ where its all laid out for you (menu, grocery lists, how to prep and organize a months worth of food in a single day) for all other ideas... .  Pinterest! I save all the cool ideas (mostly diy ones) I want to try in their own separate boards then pick one at a time and incorporate it in the home ... .  This is my next project to get all the board games off the top of the freezers: www.livinglearninglovingandgrowing.blogspot.com/2011/01/board-game-frame.html So cool!

I hope dd15 comes back with better coping skills... .  I miss her so much, progress/change is so slow and so many fears... .  I am afraid she is just going through the motions (such a great pretender, master manipulator and very secretive),  she is going to do more damage to ds11's frame of mind - damage that is so hard to undo especially when he feeds into it/tries to protect/stick up for her and comes to believe her rants/accusations, teach ds4 this is the way life is modeling for him (he is at that mimicking stage), continue to si... .  I know for most of this its just going to take time and reinforcing limits/boundaries, continue therapy/medications, building on our communication etc. - for the si, how far do I take it? I was thinking to try to lock all sharp objects and medications as a deterrent but in rtc she proved she can use anything (she went into a rage, broke a light bulb and used the pieces) so now I am not sure... .  whatever the plan of action is, I need to come up with it soon and implement it as we are talking about her discharge.  She wants to continue home school but I need a break from her and don't want to completely isolate her although keeping her out of public school limits even more damage (self esteem, further manipulating her friends/school counselors/teachers etc.). I want to do something outside of the home although even 1 hour a week was too much for her even when she went with me (if its not something she likes or isn't about her = pouting, defiance, anger, frustration and sometimes arguments). She wants to completely start over with all new friends as that would be easier than repairing damage done (Great! new victims)... .  if she is isolated from school how is that going to happen? Where there is a will there is a way I guess - do I warn everyone she starts a relationship with of her  enmeshment, making stuff up to be a martyr for attention/ever changing perceptions/logical explanation for her si etc? This is only some of the stuff that keeps me awake at night.

I am trying to enjoy the peace with her gone yet that darn guilt rears its ugly head - to make that go away, I rationalize it then the fear comes around so I try to come up with reasonable plan of action to make that go away which leads to more questions and doubts which leads to research which leads to keeping busy to let it all sink in, come up with ideas to make life easier/more manageable then I feel accomplished and relieved for a moment then the guilt comes back. If I somehow manage to escape this cycle ds11 restarts it with his own insecurities, acting out, self blame, rejection, silent treatments etc... .  and round an round I go.

[lovesjazz]

Whew! Im exhausted just reading all that you do!... .  do you ever just let everything go?  Like... what happens if you dont swipe the toilet bowl one morning?

[Being Mindful]

Dear momonthe run,

I think I understand your screen name now 

Do you ever relax, just for yourself? Even your beauty routine seems like a detail in a schedule that doesn't have flexability for you? Do you do something for yourself... .  not because it is required for cleaning or because of your environment of living causing a dry living area?

I worry about you. When do you relax? I have found my therapist to be a very selective thing for me, which helps me cope with stress. A time for me to help me thru all the coping of life and life with a child with BPD. Do you have a therapist or someone outside of the family for help?

Being Mindful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cfh]

We just finished dinner... .  I cooked fish and now there is a really good movie on.  I may not clean the pots, pans, dishes till the morning!

I used to care but I don't anymore.  Eventually it all gets done.

But I sure do wish I was more disciplined because I do like a clean house.  Oh well. 

momontherun... .  you rock!  How do you do it?

[lbjnltx]

I am going to take a wild guess here and suggest that momontherun finds cleaning somewhat therapeutic.

I will go even further out on a limb and say that the list making is a way to have control over her life... .  the order and detail simplify what can certainly be a stressful life raising a disordered child.

Just my guess... .  I used to find mowing the lawn therapeutic... .  I still make lists... .  most days... so that I don't have to remember all day long what needed to be done.  It also helps me manage my time... .  well manage it better anyway.

[cfh]

We probably all have found something that soothes us whether it's cleaning, shopping, music... .  as long as it's not bad for us it's good for us!

DH says he thinks I'm addicted to my laptop/ipad but it's just a fun diversion. 

[momontherun]

lovesjazz - yes I do let some things go just not feeling like it or get side tracked and get caught up in a project like a couple days ago the bathroom sink got clogged so I took everything out from the bottom, undid the pipes to get whatever fell in out - I did find a couple coins but that didn't fix it so I went to the store and picked up liquid plumber ... .  its a 20 minute drive so on the way there I was contemplating where else my over stock of body washes could go rather than put them back. I looked around at bathroom and kitchen organizers but they are overpriced and take up more room. When I got back it hit me... .  put the sheets and blankets in the respective rooms under the beds put in another shelf and tada! no more overcrowded mess under the sink. Then while watching tv a bit later I was still obsessing over organizing the bathroom so drew up the layout and started scheming. Needless to say the bathroom is an utter mess but I did build a box storage area to hang up the blowdryer, flat iron and curling iron with an electrical strip built in the bottom of it and there is enough space on top to put all the different sprays we use when using those tools which freed up more room - tomorrow I am putting in shelves I sanded and polyurethaned (while the kids were at school) over the wasted wall space between the shower and ceiling for all the body washes, shampoos and conditioners. This requires me to put in a valance to hide those shelves and will look so much better anyway plus more space which is always a plus. Alright the heart of it is a distraction plus taking it all apart and transforming the space is freeing to me.

Being Mindful - No I don't have a T yet - I did go and meet a couple for myself ... .  the first one told me I was the problem creating the personality disorder in dd15 and anger/bedwetting issues in ds11 - the second one told me she didn't feel comfortable as she has seen a few of my relatives (depression/ptsd) and didn't think she could be objective. I tried to find my old T from 10 yrs ago when I ended my marriage but she is retired and lives in a different state now. Being deflated I put this on the back burner for now getting ready to do the telephonic family connections course I signed up for 2 months ago. Yes, I do relax just in different ways than most... .  I get into a zen like mode when I clean, build, drive, plan and learn.

CFH - See, I am the oldest of 7, chaos ensued between the kids and my parents, my mom would vent to me and I would have it all figured out for her- I didn't want to be a parent or live in the chaos anymore especially when she left my abusive father as she took on his behavior for results so I left home at 16 quitting school so I could work to support myself. My first roommate demanded more an more money each month and I found myself not being able to afford the most basic things so I left and camped out in the woods at a cannery across the state working 12-14hrs a day only having a day off when the plant shut down every 3 months. Then I met the kids dad - even though it was chaotic I was in love and married him... .  it was the first time I felt loved, admired and appreciated. Then dd15 came and he got worse craving to go to work, he wanted me to work but laid down his rules for when I could... .  he couldn't believe it but I found such a job driving people to/from the airport working from noon to midnight taking 1 hour breaks at crucial times to go home (5 pm to cook dinner and cleanup, 7:30 pm to bathe dd15 and put her to bed) then ds11 came and I got depressed, husband got even worse and dd15 started mimicking his behavior. So I left and found myself having 3 day cares each one to fill my schedule, working 60-80 hrs a week then my husband died from his alcoholism, I found out I was pregnant with ds4, I lost my job and the rates for my apartment were going up so I lost my home. I couldn't just leave like all other times, I truly felt stuck then the kids started fighting as their dynamics were changing and figured they craved the structure they were no longer getting then I decided not to work an focus on the kids and give them that structure as widowers benefits covers the basics. Slowly I implemented and built upon it yet I still needed more so I started breeding - that gave me everything I was missing from my jobs without the bs and served a purpose to distance myself from the kids a bit. I lost my friends as I no longer could relate but did develop friendships in the dog world - mostly online and long distance calls to keep in touch. Then dd15's started to act out and internalizing everything being super secretive with me literally begging then the si and childrens services investigations (1 a year is becoming the norm)... .  The heart of it is I feel compelled to leave yet I cannot so my structured schedule started out as needing it for the kids but in reality its more to keep myself grounded.

LBJ - you are totally dead on as usual  When I first left the older kids' dad I literally had 2 full blown calenders I carried with me... .  1 was for my work schedule (this changed weekly with 1 job while the other was more routine), which daycare to bring them to and birthdays- holidays were already marked for me and a constant reworked budget plan. The other was for what the kids schedule was, a reminder of which daycare to bring them to (sometimes 2 in one day an if I couldn't do it find someone who could), appointments, school events etc. I literally couldn't plan anything without consulting them as I was trying to keep everything together for the kids to give them a better life than I ever had no matter the cost (middle of the night suicide threats by hubby, accusations when I set limits etc.). There were times I thought I would go crazy yet laughed it off "just being a busy single mom". The need to run was very strong then as everything was falling apart. My schedule was so busy I literally had a weeks (then 2 then 3 sometimes 4 or 5) laundry stinking in bed sheets by the door, a week or two dishes piled up by the sink, clutter and dishes everywhere - I only had 1 day to clean it all up and often found myself putting the kids in the car and driving very long distances to get away. The last time I acted on it I cleaned my home then packed a few snacks, packed up 1 change of clothes and important documents and withdrew all my money from the bank... .  no plan just escape. I went back home just long enough to grab a toy for the kids for when they woke up then ds4 dad came by to check in on me (we were work friends at the time) as he was very concerned- I told him he was wasting his time as I was leaving, he questioned and I admitted I didn't know just anywhere but here this life so he got in the car to go with me refusing to leave... .  I drove just 30 minutes shy of being in Canada. The road was closing down for construction - we vented and realized this was all stupid as we can change our surroundings but not our lives. I got us turned around and got back in town just in time to drop him off at home, get the kids to daycare and me to work... .  I don't ever want to lose control like that again. After that, instead of driving I found other outlets like cleaning and organizing the chaos - well at the time sporadically... .  the weaker/more stressed I felt the cleaner my home was getting all my frustrations out... .  when everything fell into place the messier it was not caring enjoying the moment then get overwhelmed when it all fell apart which seemed to happen all at once - I had to find a happy medium instead of all or nothing.  So for me its very therapeutic.

We all develop our routines and habits out of necessity in one way or another (right or wrong) that suits our life styles - some work, others don't like buying a pair of jeans... .  gotta try it on to see if it fits and/or you like it - if you do, defend it; if you don't, discard and try something else - even if it means total upheaval and restructuring which is hard... .  so very hard but well worth it for self preservation.  I just took the most overwhelming things for me, set limits for myself and others based on my beliefs and built upon it using my natural tendencies to create the balance I now have = security and some peace of mind although it feels as continuing grasping at straws floating in the air  no matter how ordered things are- my own struggle. To keep that balance is ever changing in "normal" life let alone when facing any type of illness which is just an opportunity to learn and growwell at least to me in this moment in time.

[lovesjazz]

Wow... .  I am amazed at how focused you are. I am very impressed with how you always kept your children a priority and not saying  "poor me" and throw the towel in... .  good for you!

[lbjnltx]

   

[cfh]

I just realized that everyday I go through the house and straighten all the furniture so that everything is always at a 90 degree angle... .  I guess that's one of my little ways of staying in control.  I'm sure I have many more.

[griz]

Ok, Here is my control thing.  Every morning I eat blueberry shredded wheat for breakfast.  I put 18 in the bowl. NOT 17 NOT 19 ALWAYS 18.  I only eat 16 but I put 18 in because I always give the dog 2 since he faithfully sits by my side every morning.  If he choses to not get up for some reason then I only put 16 in the bowl.  Yes I do count them every morning and I am fully aware that it is just one way for me to have control and stability in my life.

I guess we all do something.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Griz... .  ... .  is your dog a weinier dog?

[vivekananda]

hiya,

I have a lot of admiration for you MotR. See even I abbreviate your name so I don't have to take the time to write it out. That's how I am about my own housework, lots of shortcuts. Mind you, I have friends who think I am fussy about housework. That has caused me grief over the years. Needless to say, my place is tidy - more or less and superficially clean - but desperately needs the sort of detailed organisation that you have MotR.

You would feel proud of how you manage - and I would too, if it were me. You don't just cope with it all, you really manage it all.

In you initial post you said you rationalised not having enough time to implement the things you read about in those excellent books. What I did when I was trying to implement that stuff, was reinforce my learning by posting here. By actively posting I learnt more about the tools that help us and learnt about how to practise it all. I'd set a simple goal, and begin to work on it - using my family here as my guide. What I learnt was how to change my thinking and thereby change my practice.

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[momontherun]

Thank you all (blush)      

In you initial post you said you rationalised not having enough time to implement the things you read about in those excellent books. What I did when I was trying to implement that stuff, was reinforce my learning by posting here. By actively posting I learnt more about the tools that help us and learnt about how to practise it all. I'd set a simple goal, and begin to work on it - using my family here as my guide. What I learnt was how to change my thinking and thereby change my practice.

Yea sort of just giving myself excuses to avoid doing the workbook it is what it all comes down to - why? I have no clue and that's whats bothering me... .    afraid of going back on the emotional roller coaster so soon? finding the deep self examination on paper overwhelming? giving myself a break before the telephonic family connections course? distancing due to the kids doing so well despite the circumstances? or ? I know these are questions only I can answer and its probably a mix of a few things. Even in my continuing posts I realized I sidestepped it    and still it sits - I just gotta do it instead of wondering whats stopping me from it.

I am implementing it with my kids - even have a cheat sheet list to remind me. However, your right I need to make it apart of me, get more involved outside of the kids and practice with everyone. oh and set smaller goals for myself like posting more instead of observing taking it all in -perhaps if I did I wouldn't seem so attention starved with my extraordinarily long posts   

[Being Mindful]

Thank you all (blush)      

In you initial post you said you rationalised not having enough time to implement the things you read about in those excellent books. What I did when I was trying to implement that stuff, was reinforce my learning by posting here. By actively posting I learnt more about the tools that help us and learnt about how to practise it all. I'd set a simple goal, and begin to work on it - using my family here as my guide. What I learnt was how to change my thinking and thereby change my practice.

Yea sort of just giving myself excuses to avoid doing the workbook it is what it all comes down to - why? I have no clue and that's whats bothering me... .    afraid of going back on the emotional roller coaster so soon? finding the deep self examination on paper overwhelming? giving myself a break before the telephonic family connections course? distancing due to the kids doing so well despite the circumstances? or ? I know these are questions only I can answer and its probably a mix of a few things. Even in my continuing posts I realized I sidestepped it    and still it sits - I just gotta do it instead of wondering whats stopping me from it.

I am implementing it with my kids - even have a cheat sheet list to remind me. However, your right I need to make it apart of me, get more involved outside of the kids and practice with everyone. oh and set smaller goals for myself like posting more instead of observing taking it all in -perhaps if I did I wouldn't seem so attention starved with my extraordinarily long posts   

 

[vivekananda]

I love attention starved moms on the run 

Truly tho, posting here, paying attention to my learning while I write helped me absorb it all. For me it has been like building blocks. A year ago I knew nothing. My most important building blocks, in order, have been:

• the mish mash of different boards, reviews, articles etc here.



• Walking on Eggshells



• Valerie Porr



• NVC



• and now The Reality Slap

it seems in retrospect and developmental list in understanding what it all means to me. In between were 2 group meetings and a training day. This in the last almost 12 mths. But none of what I read means anything without having people here to discuss it and practise on. It's here I process my learning by actively participating.

cheers,

Vivek    

[momontherun]

Thank you for your wise words and insight Vivek