Posting... to keep myself from breaking NC...

[RedCandle]

You may recall where I left off... .  angry emails, I went NC, he drove 4 hours to my office (unexpectedly) with a gift, it went to hell quickly, he left in anger a few days before Christmas... .  

Once he got home and calmed down... .  he sent a sweet email about how we clearly had "room for improvement"... .  and a few mentions about what he had learned that day at AA. But something inside me had ticked... .  I couldn't imagine spending ANOTHER Christmas and vacation with this volatility. Sitting in his home for 2 weeks... .  the ups and the downs.

I told him that I was getting in my car... .  and taking a road trip. I needed to get away from the insanity.

He responded that he was "deeply hurt and saddened" that I was not choosing to be with family (his family) on Christmas but instead just "doing what wanted to do." Those words riddled me with guilt... .  but I needed to get away.

I drove 3,000 miles in 17 days... .  and had a BLAST. I saw old friends and made new ones. I had great experiences... .  many of them I wouldn't have wanted to share with him... .  but if he had been there, we probably would have been fighting... .  

It hurt to not hear from him on Christmas. It hurt again to get nothing on New Years.

Its now been 3 weeks and he has all but erased himself from my knowing.

I have been through this before. We have done two prior cycles on No Contact for about 7 weeks until I heard from him again... .  

But I think the guilt is getting to me. I would have *loved* to spend Christmas with his mother. But after his crazy behavior?

My mind is starting to idealize him again... .  I'm craving contact.

I'm craving to know I'm not hated. I'm craving to know that I'm not a piece of trash that can be thrown away from existence that easily.

So I'm going to put those thoughts here instead.

I've been "strong" for 3 weeks... .  but its getting worse... .  

A big part of me is afraid that I will never hear from him again... .  the other part of me wonders if that's a good thing... .  

[seeking balance]

Good job posting here!

Ok... .  go to article 9... .  list me all of the 10 false beliefs that have you stuck in the thought you want contact.

[RedCandle]

Thank you Seeking, for your response! Ok... .  

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

This *feels* true, because when he comes back (as Mr. I Love You) I'm always VERY happy. When he explodes and leaves... .  when he disappears for weeks... .  I'm in pain.

When I want to contact him I ask myself what my motive is. My motive is usually to get a "hit" (like an addict) of that Mr. I Love You so that I can have my happy moment. So far, I have not contacted because I know that it won't last.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

Ouch. That sentence hurt to read. God I would love to get inside his head and know WHAT he feels.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

So if the problems are not all my fault... .  and not all his fault... .  but a relationship is supposed to be 50/50... .  how do you figure out who needs to change, accept accountability and take action. How can you find the source?

4) Belief that love can prevail

Yup. These past few weeks I keep saying, "If he really loves me... .  I will hear from him again (and he will go to therapy)." Guilty on this one...

Old wounds (years ago) ALWAYS come up when we reconnect. He says I need to move forward from my anger and forgive. What I have always wanted him to understand is that when no *genuine* healing takes place, its the equivalent of ripping a scab off a fresh wound over and over again. At best, you are left with ugly scars.

I don't know how to get that genuine healing to take place though. We've tried weeks of separation. I've been in therapy. I go to Al Anon. But it always goes back... .  



5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

HA! Yup, right now I'm thinking... .  "I wont hear from him for another 4 weeks but when I do, it will be bliss again" (at least... .  for a moment).

I need to get a grip.

I think what fuels this is that we had a breakup once... .  and he found sobriety. Now, he is a year sober something I thought would NEVER happen. So I'm still dreaming that another lightbulb will go off and he will seek treatment for the BPD. Another miracle will occur... .  

6) Clinging to the words that were said

"We were meant to be together."

"You are the love of my life."

"The love we have for eachother will always bring us back together."

"I don't want anyone but you."

Yeah... .  pretty hard to forget!

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

He seems to have these moments of clarity whenever he goes to an AA meeting or meets with his sponsor. I've always hoped that the same would happen when WE communicate.

He knows all the language quite well... .  but putting it into action is where it falls apart.

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yes. "If I stay away and give him a taste of life without me, he will realize the value of our relationship and want to work on it."  I think it all the time... .  

When I started No Contact last time... .  he showed up at my work with presents.

When I tried again this time... .  he never engaged... .  and now the silence grows... .  

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

I fall into "caretaker" role almost automatically. Drive 4 hours each way every weekend to see him, do the laundry, go to AA meetings... .  I often think that's a way of showing love. Maybe it is... .  but too much?



10) Belief that they have seen the light

Well he "saw the light" a year ago... .  joined AA and is now a year sober. That was a miracle.

So I still hold the belief that another miracle will happen and he will get therapy treatment for the lack of emotional control... .  

[seeking balance]

Ok... .  so they all apply, right?

What's the reality as you know in your Wise Mind?

[RedCandle]

I suppose the reality is that I am lonely right now... .  and craving some sort of contact from Mr. I Love You... .  to fill that void.

Reality is that I'm wishing he would "choose" to get help with his emotional well-being just like he "chose" to get sober.

The reality is that I can not expect all that to happen in the 3 week period of No Contact that has occurred.

I hear a lot of people say "focus on yourself."

So I acknowledge that I am deeply codependent and that I'm nothing short of "addicted" to our up-and-down relationship... .  so what kind of "focus" is going to help me deal with MY issues?

I think I'm running out of books to read... .  I've done therapy... .  how do I root out my OWN demons so I stop craving this man?

[seeking balance]

What do you do for fun?

[RedCandle]

I like to travel, even just day-trips... .  but having just gotten back from that 3,000 road trip... .  that will have to wait.

I LOVE to bake and cook... .  but that was something we always did together... .  so now its become kind of a sore spot.

I love to take walks and do so daily... .  but it becomes lonely without him.

I like going to the gym and now go twice a day.

I like to do little creative projects around the house... .  but that gets lonely too.

I love to go down to the beach... .  but that was something we always did together.

Wow... .  that sounds pathetic! I mean, we weren't together for 15 years... .  and somehow I've tied him, emotionally, to practically everything I do.

This is what I need to break. I was a person before I met him... .  and now I have a hard time fully functioning without my "best friend." Dear God, how do you shake it?

[seeking balance]

Everyone gets lonely... .  it's called being human.

However, tying good things like going to the beach to your ex is normal, but you have the power to change that.  Go anyways... .  the first time might be hard, but it gets better.  I am not telling you anything I have not had to do myself... .  it is hard, but it does get better.

I trained and did the 3 day walk for the cure... .  something I wanted to do, now I had the free time.

What do you want to do?   Volunteer somewhere?

Shake it, by learning to do things by yourself... .  be ok with that, then when you have a partner it can be a bonus.

Time... .  it takes time and actively creating new fun things... .  being lonely is part of the human experience... .  it's ok

What do you want to do?