wrote my goodbye letter, and sent it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Since I didn't get to say what I had intended to say when I last saw my uBPD/NPD HUSBAND when we met on NYE... .  

the day we met he was still pretty disregulated, hurt, blaming and angry so I let him vent and I validated and didn't JADE. I left him on that note. No long goodbye.

I took a quiet moment last night to write him a short e-mail telling him what the r/s meant to me and what I took away. Not all bad-not accusatory or blaming.

He did take me out of my own comfort zone, I stretched my wings and legs. I grew in some ways as a result of being with him-as challenging as it was. I revealed my deepest secrets to him and he was accepting, and wasn't throwing them back at me in the end. So in some ways it was a safe r/s for me.

At then end he painted ME black... .  but my secrets didn't become ammunition-you know?

But when they need to absorb you into their Life... and you have needs and opinions as a separate person-it will not happen the way they fantasize. His Fantasy Lover was in his head the whole time, and I felt like I was constantly being compared to "her". A complete fiction.

His NPD Ideal Lover was totally a clone of himself. Loved what he loves, did what he does, praised him consistently and openly... .  and never asked WHY.

I hope he finds that person.

It could never be ME. 

I don't expect or need a reply. I wanted to state MY piece, and close MY door.

I deserve better.

GL

[gina louise]

Since I didn't get to say what I had intended to say when I last saw my uBPD/NPD HUSBAND when we met on NYE... .  

the day we met he was still pretty disregulated, hurt, blaming and angry so I let him vent and I validated and didn't JADE. I left him on that note. No long goodbye.

I took a quiet moment last night to write him a short e-mail telling him what the r/s meant to me and what I took away. Not all bad-not accusatory or blaming.

He did take me out of my own comfort zone, I stretched my wings and legs. I grew in some ways as a result of being with him-as challenging as it was. I revealed my deepest secrets to him and he was accepting, and wasn't throwing them back at me in the end. So in some ways it was a safe r/s for me.

At then end he painted ME black... .  but my secrets didn't become ammunition-you know?

But when they need to absorb you into their Life... and you have needs and opinions as a separate person-it will not happen the way they fantasize. His Fantasy Lover was in his head the whole time, and I felt like I was constantly being compared to "her". A complete fiction.

His NPD Ideal Lover was totally a clone of himself. Loved what he loves, did what he does, praised him consistently and openly... .  and never asked WHY.

I hope he finds that person.

It could never be ME. 

I don't expect or need a reply. I wanted to state MY piece, and close MY door.

I deserve better.

GL

[myself]

I don't expect or need a reply. I wanted to state MY piece, and close MY door.

I deserve better.

Since this was for You, without expectations, that's great. It helps release personal tension, and feelings of needing to have said something. I understand why you sent it to him. Wondering if he will reply (doesn't matter) and if so, how you will react. Sounds like you'll do well with it either way. I wrote letters like that, too. Sent them, deleted them, burned them, ripped them up and threw them in the trash can. Wrote them in my mind, picturing them like brooms to sweep the cobwebs clear. Whatever works for you, works. A lot of the problems in these relationships have to do with honest communication, so any attempt at that can be chalked up on the better side of things. Good for you. It's been said many times but that door you closed also opened many others.

[gina louise]

myself,

thanks.

So many many times when I had an opportunity to say anything from my side, I was talked over or shouted down.

Sometimes I would open my mouth to take a breath to START a sentence and he would cut me off.

Like a  bad comedy-where you see on character going "But I... .  "(Loud voice over)   "I Jus... .  " (even louder voice over!) "I REAL... .  "  (cut off AGAIN) and he would begin to rage or storm or act out. My cue to leave the room or the house... .  which I did many times.

It defeated me every time, Pretty effectively. His verbal abuse and control. I LEFT his presence short term, and ultimately- but had no voice in the r/s. Rarely had my turn, my say.

Once his rage had passed? Not able to speak of that topic again without "consequences" for me. He expected the past to stay hidden.

So his reply NOW doesn't matter.  Not one whit.

The closure was from my side, for me.



GL

[HarmKrakow]

myself,

thanks.

So many many times when I had an opportunity to say anything from my side, I was talked over or shouted down.

Sometimes I would open my mouth to take a breath to START a sentence and he would cut me off.

Like a  bad comedy-where you see on character going "But I... .  "(Loud voice over)   "I Jus... .  " (even louder voice over!) "I REAL... .  "  (cut off AGAIN) and he would begin to rage or storm or act out. My cue to leave the room or the house... .  which I did many times.

It defeated me every time, Pretty effectively. His verbal abuse and control. I LEFT his presence short term, and ultimately- but had no voice in the r/s. Rarely had my turn, my say.

Once his rage had passed? Not able to speak of that topic again without *consequences* for me. He expected the past to stay hidden.

So his reply NOW doesn't matter.  Not one whit.

The closure was from my side, for me.



GL

Well done!

Hopefully you will be able to now start the process of detachment in conjunction with NC.   I'm planning a similar thing with my gf with BPD. Rather than a letter I wll try to tell her face to face.