So how do we 'challenge' their distorted thinking and problematic behavior -- or do we just keep letting it go? What criteria do we use to choose what is worth working on and what to let slide by us? Is this where validating questions can offer our BPDkids an opening to self-awareness and a baby step toward healing and growing?
As many of us have experienced, validating their feelings (not behaviors or thinking) can open up communication because then they know they have been heard. Their thoughts are driven by their emotions/feelings. Once those feelings are validated they can focus less on being defensive and be more open to sharing their thoughts. When they are open to sharing then we can ask validating questions to give them an opportunity to problem solve.
I am too tired to find the words today, yet know that things have changed in my home so that DD is able to listen when I challenge some of her ideas - or gently state a behavior that needs to change for my health (as an example) or for gd7's care. For me it usually goes back to practicing validation and keeping my boundaries clear in my mind.
qcr
lbjnltx:
Responding in S.E.T. format (with your boundaries reflected in the Truth portion) may be a more affective alternative to confronting twisted thinking, blame shifting, or lies.
Hope that is what you are asking qcarol.
If not... . lets explore this in another thread... . sounds like a good topic.
So here I am - with a new topic. I am a good avoider - let it go, walk away - or whine and cry and distract everyone by making it 'all about me'. DD has chanllenged me this past year for my own distortions and problem behaviors. Was this just blaming me to avoid facing it herself? Well, no. I have responded to some of her criticisms, planted myself quietly in a chair on the opposite side of the room (safe distance, near the door, phone in pocket, gd safely not in area... . ). Amazingly DD calms and talks to me. I can listen. And sometimes we get somewhere. It has taken great courage for me to stay present enough with DD over the past 3 years for things to get better in our r/s.
I still feel like an infant with many of these tools. And get confused about overlap between them. Like a belief that S.E.T. was 'outdated' and replaced by 'validation and values-based boundareis'. How do these fit together? Maybe it has been too long since first exposed to all this stuff in 2009. Maybe I am just tired today.
This is a good topic to explore - maybe I need some guidance.
qcr
S.E.T.= Supportive statement, followed by an empathy statement and finished with a truth statement.
When formulating a SET response it is important to work from the E outward... . empathy first, then support, then truth.
If you can't empathize the supportive statement will most likely be difficult to nail down.
Here is just one post in the workshop on SET by United for Now:
Support
Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with “I” and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. It can be anything that establishes a foundation for the relationship or interaction: “I want to try to help you feel better,” “I care about you,” or “I am worried about how you are feeling.”
The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.
Empathy
Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on “you.” It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: “I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me,” “How frustrating this must be for you.”
It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK to have, thus validating her feelings. Without such a statement of empathy, the BP may feel that her feelings are not understood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.
Truth
Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the “it” — not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a “no-win” situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: “This is what I can do…,” “This is what will happen…,” “Remember when this happened before and how you felt so bad about it later.”
It is important to use the support and empathy statements first, so that the BP is better able to hearwhat you are saying, otherwise the truth statement may be experienced as little more than another, and expected, rejection creating even more defensiveness or anger.
Validation and Support Are Not Agreement
When first learning about SET, it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. The supportive communication described in the SET model does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.
So, can the validation and asking validating statements replace SET and vice versa... . it would depend I think on the reaction from the pwBPD... . for example if a validating question like "What do you think needs to be done to solve this problem?" evokes a reply like: "Nothing! It is hopeless." Then replacing validation/validating questions with a SET response will enable you to still respond constructively to the person and THEIR problem while being supportive, empathic, and honest.
In the White Papers at the top of the Supporting Board board is an article by Dr. Burns titled "10 forms of Twisted Thinking" and a companion article "10 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking". These 10 thoughts are very common in pwBPD, and as many of us have discovered, they are common in most people... . the difference is that the disordered person has them much more persistantly and pervasively. While my d was in RTC we worked on Cognitive Distortions aka thinking errors... . each of us were assigned homework to identify, contemplate, and adjust our own thinking errors.
Visit these articles and see if it helps you to a. refresh your memory because I'm pretty sure you read them before, b. get a deeper level of understanding of your dd and yourself and c. assess how you might use the SET format or validation/validating questions to interact with your dd to further improve your relationship and skills.
Here are the links to these articles from "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns M.D. :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56200.0
