I couldn't make this st up if I tried

[jbmom]

So my really nice weekend get-away with DD was nearly ruined. We were able to move the pink elephant to the side until we got home.  Sat nite I get a call from DD14 BF mother. She is screaming at DD. I was asleep. I hear DD crying in the bathroom (we were in a hotel) and call to her. She throws the phone at me... .  S will tell you what happened.

Well... .  

BF was bringing his sperm to school in a baggie... .  and DD would 'insert' during first period. BECAUSE ---- they want a baby! They want to be a Mom & DAD --- and have told all their friends this.

So 13 yr old BF searches the internet and learns sperm can live for 4 hours in a plastic baggy. They were exchange 'the envelope' before 1st period... .  and then... .  

So I am at this weekend get away and get interupted. Spend Sunday arranging for Plan B -- just in case they were successful. Highly unlikely, but the internet has some info that suggests it could work.

I spoke with the gynecologist and therapist --- and they were floored -- neither has heard of this one. Lucky me.

It gets better... .  on the way home we make a rest stop and DD discovers she has gotten her period. She is floored. In absolute despair that she didn't get pregnant. Crying intensely the rest of the way home.

Oh boy do we have a lot to work on today.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Speedracer]

I do believe it! Their minds work in ways we may never understand, & I had a similar situation a few months ago. Have you thought of the depo shot? We have but I hear they gain a lot of weight & it can make them even more moody. The DBT therapist was against it & it was not the gyno's first choice either. Our dd was on the pill, but even though we watched her take it, somehow she was managing to skip pills. She was getting her period in between cycles, which is NOT supposed to happen on the pill when you take it right. She's in a better place now that her crisis is over, never got pregnant. But the gyno switched her to bc pils that dissolve on her tongue, no water.

Also, sadly, she was with a high risk individual. By May she will need to be retested for STDs including AIDS, which can be passed onto someone else immediately, but takes 3-6 months for the antibodies to show up.

I hope you get through this ok!

[frustratedmom]

Jbmom -

OMG.

While it does show "resourcefulness" it is so out of whack with reality it is mind numbing.

(However I would love to have been a fly on the wall of the therapist's /doctor's office when they got this query... .  )

Makes me wonder if, like TV violence, there is some absurd "stamp of approval" vibe out there with teen pregnancies and variations on it... .  think Jersey Shore and every other out of wedlock baby back to Candace Bergen who was the first? Mind you I have no problem with single women having babies, when they are financially and spiritually self sufficient!

So is it possible to have her diagnosed with something, anything, that would require an IUD or and implant... .  something she could not manipulate herself?

And the bf is just as clueless - his parents must be going nuts too at this point.

My dd19 was just as determined to do herself harm, all the while not seeing the consequences, not seeing the future, not seeing anything anyone tried to tell her because she was not in a listening mode. We managed to get her to accept an IUD for awhile... .  after two pregnancies.

Thinking positive thoughts for you,

FM

[jellibeans]

I am sitting here with my mouth hanging open! I have not heard this one before. I think it is interesting that she just didn't have sex somewhere in the mornings... .  she is so young and I think her immaturity is really showing through here... .  I would seek birth control asap... .  What is your daughter looking for? That is a question that needs asking here... .  I wish you luck... .  hang in there... .  

[twojaybirds]

That a line I use often... .  

"you just can't make this stuff up."

Sometimes all you can do is laugh, shrug and shake your head.

[Thursday]

jbmom,

Sorry your weekend away got ruined.

Scary, scary, scary. Any chance there is a program for teen girls in your community that gives them an electronic baby to care for... .  or am I being naive?

(shaking me head)

Thrs.

[Thursday]

PS,

I think I would probably get a new turkey baster... .  

 

[frustratedmom]

Eeeewwwwww!

But Thursday you are right!

[js friend]

OMG... .  what wth are they thinking!  

[trainwreck4]

Wow. Don't know what to say... .    My BPDd15 also wants a baby. Found her letter to it yesterday. I am sure people who are blissfully ignorant to this stuff DO think we make this sh#t up!

[jbmom]

So today was a visit to the gynecologist -- her 3rd in so many months. She at first refused the Depo shot, but changed her mind when I came in the room.  I told the gyne... .  she is nuts, seriously as the mother -- give her the shot or give me the syringe and I will give it to her. I will get a statement of mental incompetence if I need to.

Second visit-- the Therapist. I told him I wanted to come in for the reality check. DD did not like that at all. Throwing all the verbal daggers. I told him I am more upset with the despair that comes when she found out she is not pregnant than the yuck factor associated with the idea she was sticking his sperm up there in a yucky school bathroom.

Call with the BF mother today -- not as well as I would have liked it to go. Basically told her she has no right to yell at my kiddo. Her kiddo is also on the crazy roller coaster if he is doing this, so cast no stones. It isn't all her fault.

It is now 6 pm and I am falling apart here. The yuck and funny factor has dissipated and the reality that my kiddo goes from acting so normal to so f'd up in a matter of minutes is sinking in.

Can't imagine what the have planned next. Hopefully she will stop now that she knows she has been blocked for 3 months.  Doc even questioned - I hope she will be back for follow-up -- hell yeah if I have to drag her in kicking and screaming.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jbmom]

And let me add... .  THEY LOVE EACH OTHER__- so much that no one can possibly understand. In one of the notes... .  by taking this its like we are getting married -- except you can't at 13 &14.

[mikmik]

Are they reading Romeo and Juliet?  I wonder if the whole youth thing goes over their heads.  What I don't get, what I really really really don't get, is why all these BPD girls want babies?  There has to be some HUGE connection I am missing.  They can't take care of themselves. They can't take care of putting dishes in the dishwasher, they can't be bothered with routine or responsibility. What about a baby do they think is the answer?

Yeah, I agree, get a new turkey baster, JIC.  Really.

The question is what is the void they are tying so pathetically to fill?  They are frantic about filling it.  The hole in them.

My dd19 is being a reckless right now, but she, for whatever reason does not want a baby.  She finds them annoying and loud and messy and demanding.  But she is not doing what she should to prevent pregnancy/  Thinks she just has to take a "pill" to get rid of it.  She is afraid of needles, I need to tell her there is not a pill for it, but many needles are involved.  More than she has ever seen.  AND they strap you down.  They would put fear in her.  Meds she is on decrease the effectiveness of the Pill, and "HE" won't use condoms... .    F**k him. (oops)

Baggies, rubbers, basters, it is all just more BPD fun.

mik

[almostvegan]

Well at least they love each other! I'm serious! So many BPDs never find love and are alone. At least she knows what ( she thinks) love feels like and will I the future work towards having that in her life!

This is a crazy situation for you to deal with. Stay strong mama! I would have the the depo shot too. Kicking and screaming as well. Good job.

And this might sound bizarre but why aren't they trying to get preg the " old fashioned way"? At least there's that! Sex can mess a kids mind up.

Wishing you peace and sending you strength

Almost vegan

[Speedracer]

Not sure its love or the stupid desire to have a reason to be connected with each other for the rest of their lives - to trap each other. That's the immature way they think. It's our job as parents to do anything we can to prevent it for so many reasons.

[cfh]

We adopted our two boys but I have many friends who adopted girls.  So much has been written about young girls who have been adopted getting pregnant at 14, 15, 16 etc.  The studies explain that they get pregnant in order to start their own blood line.

Could there be any connection here to pwBPD? 

Just putting it out there?

My non ds28 got married at 21 and was a father at 22. Way too young but he did it for the same reason.  He gave me a wonderful gs but it's been a very hard road for them because of no money, no education etc.

[frustratedmom]

Wow... .  

As an adoptee AND a mom of two children who were adopted, after reading these posts I think there are too many non adoptees who get pregnant as teens to have this be isolated to a group. Now wanting someone in your life who might understand your particular quirks better may be a reason, but that is different than the blood line thing.

And I have one of each I guess ... .  my nonBPD ds will be very careful after watching his sister!

The ultimate irony? We wanted to adopt because bipolar is rampant in my dh's family... .  and since he is the best functioning in his and who knows what I have to carry forward... .  !

Oh well... .  we got to deal with something worse.

Yikes.

FM

[Eeoye1]

WOW... .  WOW...

You know what it is?  It's that freaking Twilight movie!  I'm serious!  The immortal love, will die without you thing.  My son and I had many a talk about this after I read the first one.  In the second one he tried to commit suicide because he thinks she's dead!  She keeps almost getting killed because of him and it all works out hunky dorey because they are 'in love' ...  

His girlfriend is borderline obsessed with him, and thinks this is normal.  I'll tell ya... .  I loathe the whole message in these movies and books.  

I have not read anything beyond this post and your situation, but have you considered getting a second opinion about her diagnosis?  Not to say it isn't BPD but this is extreme behavior.  There may be something more going on.  

Anyway, wow... .  my mothers heart goes out to you love... .  

Stay strong

[almostvegan]

I ABHOR those films! What moronic messages they send! ( then again, Romeo and Juliet has the same theme and we tolerate that)

Teens take Everytjing to extremes. Those with BPD are teens times a thousand.

[cfh]

FM

When ds and I found out we couldn't get pregnant and decided to adopt sometimes we would laugh and say "well at least our kids won't inherit all the mental illness on BOTH sides of our families". 

We were soo innocent.

[almostvegan]

My moms best friend and her dh decided not to have children and only adopt bc they were both horribly allergic to EVERYTJING.

They adopted a boy who lived on nothing but lettuce bc yup... ALLERGIES!

Sometimes the universe just has a plan. Can't escape it.

Best to you.

Peace. AV

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mikmik]

This is getting off the thread, but to FM and CFH,

What are the disclosure rights for adoptive parents?  Do they have to tell you of mental illness, diseases, learning disabilities that run in at least the bio mom's history?

FM, I think you were made aware of your dd's joint disorder?  Anything else?  If so, if you knew, would you have still moved forward?  Trying to transport yourself back to when you had the chance to hold that baby the first time, would you have been able to say "no"?  Would you have wanted to?

I know many of us say, if we knew then what we know now... .    but would we really?

mik

[cfh]

Mikmik

We were told that ds bio mom was drinking and drugging heavily in her first trimester and took an overdose of qualuudes (sp?) in a suicide attempt.

It was 1983 and not as much was known about what effect this would have on the baby.  We never considered not going through with the adoption. 

It's not that we are such saints we were just very naive.  We believed that they would give us this baby and we would love him up and he would be fine.

Ours was a private closed adoption not through an agency but it's tricky either way because I don't know how much the bio mom has to disclose.  My cousin recently adopted through a state agency and they did drug testing but I don't think they did that back in the 80's.

But yes we would do it all over again.  I've never regretting adopting ds just regret all the years wasted when we didn't have a diagnosis.  They didn't have early intervention back then.

[almostvegan]

My children are all biologically related to me and had I known what d would put us through I'd never have gone through with the pregnancy. What's ironic is I had loads of fertility issues. Her pregnancy was the first that " took" after a slew of miscarriages and hormones treatments. I fought so hard to get ( and stay) pregnant. And I got this.

Like I've said before: you simply can't escape the universe's plans for you sometimes. Call it fate call it destiny. Sometimes life just , well, throws you a curve and that's all there is to it.

That said, I love her anyway. Explain me that one!

AV

[jbmom]

  I've never regretting adopting ds just regret all the years wasted when we didn't have a diagnosis. 

As much as DD is making me nuts right now... .  and I am at my limit with her ~. My sentiments exactly above. I feel we wasted alot of her elementary days.  Hindsight is 20/20.

[jbmom]

Not sure its love or the stupid desire to have a reason to be connected with each other for the rest of their lives - to trap each other.

I am not sure they really understand what love is, because the flit back and forth with trusting one another.  It is stupid desire--- not to be alone. His life is falling apart -- he feels she is the only one who gets him, she is just an emotional mess. 

Yes the idea of having a child makes them think they are 'like married'. What the don't get is it will be impossible to stay together - as if they were to be successful - both would get shipped off to school and the child... .  well raised by someone, maybe us, maybe someone else.

[frustratedmom]

Mik -

In 1993, the adoption agencies only disclosed what the birth mother WANTED to disclose, and if they were from a past that might mean their offspring was not "marketable" then they would say nada. However in my dd's case I know they did not know anything about the genetic condition, except the predisposition of flat feet, and one of the biological aunts was on disability but she was really overweight and had worked in a factory her whole life... .  she was about 40 at the time... .  and she was a kick in the pants hilarious.  We liked the whole family.

The drug issue - pretty sure the birth mom smoked and drank lots in the beginning. And, now that I know the pattern, I'm pretty sure I don't believe a thing she ever said to us.

The other thing that should have been a heads up was that the entire family had communication with each other, even though they were spread all over the place, EXCEPT her birth mom. Until there was a medical emergency, none of them knew where she was or what she was doing. And after she recovered, she skedaddled away to another corner of the country. When her sister was contacted a few years ago she said she said she hadn't heard from the birth mom in at least eight years. I didn't think anything of it, other than she was "independent". She also wanted nothing to do with dd... .  the aunt received all of the information about my dd through the agency, and we know that she is very much interested in contact from dd when she is ready. The irony? When my dd started saying that she wanted to contact her birth family because they would be soo much better to her... .  I said great! and I went online and found her cousin (daughter of this aunt) who is a high school history teacher in Texas. Did she contact her? NO.

Oh did I mention the agency was shut down for fraud? Yes, one of the most successful agencies in the Northeast.

As everyone says here, we were soo naive, but in my case I had complete confidence I could deal with anything because I was adopted, and I strongly believed in nurture vs nature... .  after all I turned out ok! I remember a couple trying to adopt at the same time we did, and they were very specific about what they wanted: "Good family, at least partially college educated parents, christian... .  lalala" I was horrified they thought they could place an "order"!

Like everyone else who adopts, we just wanted a family. Even if I had known about my dd's physical condition, it can be controlled with physical therapy and over the counter pain relievers. Most live a very productive life, with awareness of their limitations - they know how far they can go physically. It's the combination with BPD that has been so debilitating for her. So the answer is of course I would have gone through with it. Our feeling was that it could have a myriad of things if we had given birth to it, so why would we reject anyone who had minor issues? My parents adopted me not knowing much at all... .  !

My dh made a (I thought profound) comment to me this morning regarding early, deliberate, pregnancies by pwBPD's:

It's like they are missing a core they are always in search of.  When they can't find it, they either implode, or they go to others to see if they can find their reflections, and when that doesn't work, they want to reproduce, to give them a picture of who they really are. By looking within, most of us figure out who we are eventually, with or without biological families surrounding us. But BPD's cannot see anything, so they are desperate to have a connection to define themselves.

FM

[crazedncrazymom]

Just wanted to chime in and say I can totally see my dd15 doing something like this.  Just when I can't think she can shock me anymore, she always manages to.  It's never just one thing that's shocking (ie the pregnancy) it's the way she would go about it(the yucky part).  I'd just be sitting there with my mouth hanging open just like I imagine you were.  Wow!  It just never stops.

Good job getting her the depo. 

[Speedracer]

jb mom, I'm starting a new thread about my day. As if she were asking for a Kleenex, my daughter asked for a ghonorrhea test at today's dr appt for a weight check.

[jbmom]

jb mom, I'm starting a new thread about my day. As if she were asking for a Kleenex, my daughter asked for a ghonorrhea test at today's dr appt for a weight check.

Ok -- you got a jaw drop from me.

Holy moly. just another ordinary day.