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Author Topic: Is anyone else feeling alone?  (Read 1249 times)
crazedncrazymom
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« on: January 15, 2013, 02:05:36 PM »

I'm feeling very alone today. DH has never been involved in any of the discipline and if I leave the kids with him I might as well be leaving them alone.  I have been handling all dd15 BPD stuff since July 2011.  I'm married to her father and we have been married 18+ years now.  He hasn't wanted to be involved with any of the craziness.  Everytime she would blow up at me and I would call him looking to vent or to get some support or try to figure out what was going on he'd just say "I want her out of my house.  I can't deal with this crap"  Then he would talk about how much this stresses him out and how we have to take care of him. 

Well, this morning we were talking about dd coming home from residential and how I haven't noticed any changes in her behavior so we need to change how we respond to her behavior.  He says to me... .  wow, you really should find someone to support you with this. 

Throughout this post I have had a really hard time not adding SCREW YOU YA JERK to almost the end of the paragraphs, so feel free to put that in as you read this post.

I'm just so grateful to have you all to vent to and to read your posts and not feel so alone.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
jellibeans
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2013, 02:31:56 PM »

I am sorry to say but this sounds just like my husband... .  married 20 years... .  he has a stressful job and his focus is there. I feel like he is my third child sometimes.

I have put him on the back burner and I am the one that handles my daughter... .  I have just come to realize he is not up to the challenge. Right or wrong this is how we do it in my family.

I save my energy for my children who need me... .  I stopped expecting him to help and that helps me deal with everything. Then I am not surprised when helets me down. A little sad I know but I can't fix him.
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griz
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2013, 02:52:22 PM »

Has it always been this way or could your dh just be burned out.  Even before BPD my husband was nowhere near as involved in our children as I was.  Unfortunetly this set up a dangerous pattern... Things needed to be done, he didn't do them, I took control, made it easier for him, and so the pattern began.  I will admit that I am some what of a control freak but everytime I would ask him to do something, something would go wrong ie:  can you pick DD up from school today at 3:30.  3:45pm  text from DD  MOM WHERE IS DAD?  Late as usual.  or can you stop at the store because so and so needs xxx for a project today.  Gets home... .  Oh I forgot so I go running out to get whatever.  This happened so often that I just stopped asking and took complete control.

This year my T pointed this out to me so I have been working on boundaries and making him accountable.  You could answer him with something like, "yes WE do need support, lets sit down and figure this out" .  It isn;'t easy at first but it does work.

Griz
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cfh
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2013, 03:28:35 PM »

I'm having a really bad day too.  Talked to ds in jail last night and though he had said "now way" to RTC instead of prison time now he says "I need help".

It's not his decision anyway it's ONLY if the DA says he'll cut him the deal then it's up to us (excuse me I mean ME) to find this wondrous place that will accept my ds. 

Even if I could find a place to take him he just isn't motivated enough and they will kick him out. These places are all voluntary admissions and we would have to pay not the state. We just keep borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

So I'm not even looking.

And I haven't told dh about this most recent turn of events because he is so burned out and disgusted that he says he can't talk about it.  But he is going to Family Connections with me so that's something (though we're not loving it as much as Family to Family).

Who would I talk to if I didn't have all of you?

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crazedncrazymom
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2013, 03:59:21 PM »

It's been this way from day one.  I remember setting up chores before we moved in together just so we knew who was supposed to do what and he never did his chores.  If I complained or said anything he'd just ignore me.  Then the kids came along and I stopped working.  We had agreed I would be home till our youngest was in full day school.  That time came and I went back to work.  I'd get off at 5:30 pick up the kids, take them to activities, get home at 8 to cook and clean and there he would sit on the computer.  Man the fights we had over that were legendary.

One day he came home and told me he got a new job with a pay increase that was bigger than my salary.  FIrst I cried cause that's so sad that he could get an increase bigger than  what I made working in an office 40 hours a week.  Then I said... .  screw it and quit my job.  He's been sitting at the computer ever since.

I need to say this also... .  He's not a bad man at all.  He supports our family in a good manner.  He never complains about my shopping.  The kids get everything they need and most of what they want.  A couple months ago my cousin was fired from her job and couldn't collect unemployment.  I talked to dh about paying her bills and he said absolutely!  as long as we can afford it!  He doesn't even know her and has only met her a couple of times since she lives across the country.  He definitely has a lot of good qualities.  Just helping with the kids doesn't happen to be one of them.

It's so sad that some of our husbands think of helping to deal with the kids (healthy or not) as optional.  Thank God for moms!
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llbee814
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« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2013, 04:26:32 PM »

I think maybe some of our husbands' mentalities are stuck back in the day of being the "provider" as in $$$.  Anything beyond is pretty forward thinking for my guy.  I do know he is devastated that he cannot "fix" his daughter.  Hell, most days he cannot admit that she has an actual illness!   Geez, this is starting to sound like I'm sticking up for him    Must be the martini he just made me 
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sunshineplease
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2013, 04:37:19 PM »

And now, since some of this sound verrrrry familiar, I wonder if "loving but uninvolved fathers, and mothers who do more than their share" would be a risk factor for BPD traits.
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Speedracer
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« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2013, 04:42:40 PM »

I am soo sorry but you can join the club. My husband is out overnight & normally I would share today's shocking news with him when he returns (see my new thread). Today, I said "enough!" I called him right in the middle of a meeting to tell him what today's crisis is. Classic, it turned into a fight and finger pointing to me. I hung up on him. I'm thinking for once just once, grow some balls & stand up to this kid.

We have to endure the embarrassment, pain, sleepless nights, stress induced illnesses, tears, be the object of their wrath & the reason for all our BPDs problems. I'm so sick of it and I know you are too! Hang in there sweetie. You are a saint. You are doing the right thing by being the strong one and doing everything you can. Take care of yourself too. You have to.
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Speedracer
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« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2013, 04:43:09 PM »

Sunshineplease, YES absolutely!
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Reality
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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2013, 04:53:24 PM »

And now, since some of this sound verrrrry familiar, I wonder if "loving but uninvolved fathers, and mothers who do more than their share" would be a risk factor for BPD traits.

A social worker at the BPD clinic at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto told me that the fathers of pwBPD are always this type, uninvolved.  Myself, I think my husband was irresponsible.  Sorry, I know it sounds harsh and unkind , but that is the way it was/is.

I need to say this also... .  He's not a bad man at all.  He supports our family in a good manner.  He never complains about my shopping.  The kids get everything they need and most of what they want.  A couple months ago my cousin was fired from her job and couldn't collect unemployment.  I talked to dh about paying her bills and he said absolutely!  as long as we can afford it!  He doesn't even know her and has only met her a couple of times since she lives across the country.  He definitely has a lot of good qualities.  Just helping with the kids doesn't happen to be one of them.

Crazedncrazymom,

Are you married to my husband?  He sounds like a carbon copy of my husband!

Reality
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cfh
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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2013, 04:58:36 PM »

After reading all the responses on this thread I decided to tell dh that ds has had a change of heart about RTC even though dh doesn't like to talk about it.  :)s doesn't really admit to having a problem with drugs.

Guess what?  We got in a huge fight because I didn't tell him today... .  go figure! LOL

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
griz
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« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2013, 07:00:05 AM »

OK this must be a joke or a bad dream of some sort because somehow we are all married to the same man. My dh is also a very good man but my kids have always been mostly my responsibility.  And it makes me laugh sometimes when he starts feeling sorry for himself because "the girls are so much closer to me".  Well that is because I am mom all the time, not just when it is convenient, not just for the good stuff.

Speedracer, I get the whole finger pointing bit. 

Sunshineplease- I think that is probably a new criteria

jellibeans:  I too have stopped expecting.

Reality: Doesn't sound harsh at all, it is what it is.

Griz
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lovesjazz
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« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2013, 07:40:03 AM »

Well, the tables have turned in our home. I did everything for years. Finally, when our BPDs behavior was affecting my health, I changed my cell phone and house number and now he calls my husband. I get on once in a while to say hi, ask how hes doing. So my husband had to take charge. Only thing is,... .  its not so bad now.  He really has the easy end... .  but I feel so much more free. I wonder if putting up that boundary made our BPDs see he was slowly losing contact with us instead of the other way around.
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Survive2012
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« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2013, 10:18:04 AM »

I just have the same situation as you all.

Now that things are difficult with our 15yo son, his dad is more involved, but not as a "team" but always thinking I have some sort of responsibility for the problems of our son... .  He might be right, but I think we should share the problems and, if there are any, the responsibilities.

I guess also our husbands feel alone, even if they do little with the children, it is so terrible to see them suffer. I think we all feel desperately alone. It is so sad... .  

Survive
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griz
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« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2013, 02:24:05 PM »

Survive 2012:  You are so right.  I know deep inside my dh feels very very alone. Sometimes I just look at his face when he is doing something and I can see the sadness in his eyes.

Griz
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Speedracer
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« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2013, 07:37:23 PM »

My husband came home tonight saying he would not pay for therapeutic boarding school, he won't even go visit one with me, he will not stop her opportunity of a lifetime to attend an prestigious university in August (one year early at age 17), she is not mentally ill, she has whatever I have, and he will take me to court over this.

I am deferring all responsibility regarding her to him whether he is at work or not. I am praying on a constant basis that her true needs are revealed to him. After all she graduates in May. Surely she cannot make it even a third of this time without another crisis.
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lbjnltx
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« Reply #16 on: January 17, 2013, 09:03:24 AM »

My husband came home tonight saying he would not pay for therapeutic boarding school, he won't even go visit one with me, he will not stop her opportunity of a lifetime to attend an prestigious university in August (one year early at age 17), she is not mentally ill, she has whatever I have, and he will take me to court over this.

I am deferring all responsibility regarding her to him whether he is at work or not. I am praying on a constant basis that her true needs are revealed to him. After all she graduates in May. Surely she cannot make it even a third of this time without another crisis.

Speedracer,

My husband and I had basically the same "conversation".  In the end I told him I have a solution.  I will divorce you and take 1/2 of all the assets and money, I will pay for RTC out of my pocket and you can live with me.  Needless to say he was a bit shocked that I would go that far... .  I just told him I wouldn't let anyone stand in the way of doing what I knew needed to be done.  In the end, he relented and she went... .  he was very involved in the family aspect of her rtc treatment.

I'm not suggesting that you do that... .  I had come up with many other ways to get the rtc paid for... .  home equity loan, loan from my parents if we ran short, looked at getting the state to fund it, etc... .  What my dh really wanted was a guaranty that rtc would work... .  I told we need to do all we can and go on faith. That is what we did.
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Speedracer
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« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2013, 11:43:49 AM »

Lbj you inspire me. This has crossed my mind. Don't ever get in the way of a mother protecting her cubs! I am determined to do what it takes & I will. We had this child with an illness & she deserves all the support we can give at least until she's an adult. I updated my thread on this today. I am prepared to sacrifice even more to do what is right.
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