STD test, just another day in our lives

[Parents! Get help here!]

DD16 calmly asked for a ghonorrea test while at a doctor's appt today because it is going around among her friends from school. The doctor carried on making light of the situation & I'm like "what the hell just happened here?" She just got out of a dangerously abusive relationship with a high risk individual, residential treatment for that, still needs a follow up HIV test in 4 months because the virus can take 3-6 months to show up. She has been counseled by professional after professional for years about using condoms. I warned her about not exposing more people in light of what she's been through. We watch her whereabouts, always check for parents being present. She's so damn busy with work, school & therapy. There was no sign of this coming. She's been super speeding on the highway we noticed on a tracking device since last week, and now this. Both will be discussed with her psychiatrist. I feel like I cannot get a break in this cycle of crisis, resolution, ptsd, before it starts right back up again over & over. This cycle has been nonstop for almost FOUR years now. And my younger two are upstairs being ignored as I try to get over the shock of what today brings.

[Speedracer]

DD16 calmly asked for a ghonorrea test while at a doctor's appt today because it is going around among her friends from school. The doctor carried on making light of the situation & I'm like "what the hell just happened here?" She just got out of a dangerously abusive relationship with a high risk individual, residential treatment for that, still needs a follow up HIV test in 4 months because the virus can take 3-6 months to show up. She has been counseled by professional after professional for years about using condoms. I warned her about not exposing more people in light of what she's been through. We watch her whereabouts, always check for parents being present. She's so damn busy with work, school & therapy. There was no sign of this coming. She's been super speeding on the highway we noticed on a tracking device since last week, and now this. Both will be discussed with her psychiatrist. I feel like I cannot get a break in this cycle of crisis, resolution, ptsd, before it starts right back up again over & over. This cycle has been nonstop for almost FOUR years now. And my younger two are upstairs being ignored as I try to get over the shock of what today brings.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Let's talk about options to get out of this cycle.

What have you tried for self?

What have you tried for your d?

What would you change about self right now if you could?

[Speedracer]

Well I'm still having ptsd from the last crisis & the past 3.5 years,

so to answer your first question I see a therapist for myself, I'm trying to exercise, I'm trying to plan a kid free vacation, trying to get massages etc. I am trying to emotionally detach without being mean or negligent. I am avoiding my BPD mother because she will do a great job of blaming me for all of this. I am tending to my own friendships. I take time for myself to read & watch TV or go out with friends.

For her I support her by being present, trying not to judge, hoping consequences are teaching her. I empathize & pray for her. I try to stay focused on the positives. I schedule & pay for appointments to help her continue to grow & learn. I give her space even though I want to lock her up.

What would I change about myself? I would trust more that God has an angel watching over her, that there may be some good purpose in the choices she's making. I would be less anxious. I would try to not have a need to talk about what is happening as if I am so shocked I have to spit this experience right back out into the universe.

[lbjnltx]

Speedracer,

It appears that you are doing a great deal of good things for yourself and your daughter. 

When you say "I try"  does that mean you aren't having too much success in taking time for yourself?  Does your dh help out at all?

Your d is in therapy.  Remind me what kind, and how often, how long has she been w/this t and therapy style.  Has it been long enough to tell if it is being effective?

Since you are a spiritual person, I would encourage you to keep your focus on God and nurture your relationship with Him.  In the darkest hours He is your constant companion.

For the detaching with love, have you gone to any alanon meetings?  Perhaps while your d is attending therapy you could find a meeting nearby that would be a good match for you.

I'm sorry to hear that your mom isn't a source of support for you (I'm sure that is an understatement).  Do you have other family or friends that can help you ... .  maybe d can spend time with while you relax and look after your own needs?

It is helpful to spill it all out, to share what troubles you.  We understand.  The value of venting

is limited.  The real value is moving past the vent and growing personally in skills, understanding and compassion.  These are things that will make a difference in your life and trickle down into the relationship with your daughter and may make a difference in hers.

 

lbjnltx

[twojaybirds]

Cycles are so hard to break... I am sorry.

You can never break her cycle, so jsut work on you and yours.  ANd dont try to take a kid free vacatioon... take it... .  make it a priority... pull out all the favors you need to

I want you to enjoy life, peacefully, even if just for a few days.  You deserve it!

[Speedracer]

Thank you for the responses. I'm going to read them again & post later. All 3 of my kids have special needs. My nonBPD15 daughter is in a major depression since Christmas. We started medication but now she is being bullied badly at school & is heartbroken. I had to sleep with her last night to make sure she stayed safe. My h is out of town. My son is faking sick 3 times calling from the clinic the past 2 weeks. I had him home the past 2 days. the pressure was mounting & I cried myself to sleep in despair. I woke up feeling hit by a truck. Today will be a ME day, therapy included.

Will post later. Thanks.

[lbjnltx]

Oh Dear Speedracer,

So much weight you carry.  Do take time for yourself today.  If you do not take care of self you cannot take care of anyone else.

 

We are here for you.

lbj

[jbmom]

One thing we learned, or attempted to learn, in Family connections was to 'get off the ride'.  Their life is a roller coaster... .  and we follow around in bitter anticipation of the next thrill through the next drop. 

When this stuff happens its hard to stay off the ride, emotionally. We can do it physically, but emotionally its much harder.

DH and I have now been reminding each other to get off the ride. She is doing this to herself, and let her do it to herself. We try with all our might to protect her from -- mostly herself. 

When we get to these moments... .  we just tell ourselves -- step off the ride, and we refocus.

[lbjnltx]

What skills do you use to "step off the ride" jbmom?

[jbmom]

What skills do you use to "step off the ride" jbmom?

I go back an look at my boundaries. What I will get myself into and not.

for example... .  crisis last week finished with rumors spreading amok about DD in school... .  which brings BF to break up with her, which brings tears, frustrations.

In the past I would have jumped in and helped her manage the rumors, the break-up etc. This time I let her solve her own problems -- ie I am not the problem solver any more.  I did ask for some notes in case her actions became an issue with the school. It would be my defense for her. But for the drama -- I am off the ride. She confided in her friends, they spread it through the school - she controlled that.  I gave her some empathy and support, and remind her to stay strong and then out.

[lbjnltx]

Nice jbmom!

How do you manage the emotions you have surrounding an event like this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jbmom]

How do you manage the emotions you have surrounding an event like this?

Two-fold:

Part A: There were things that really upset me -- and I cried about it. I talked to her therapist. We will discuss in family therapy. Such as DD's total despair over not being pregnant. That really got me, as its a whole in her sole that needs to be filled and no one - not me, not her therapists - are able to help her. When addressed with the therapist - his response -- how do you know that's why she is doing this? Will good DBT question, but you explained it to me as a vacuum of need. Next time around it probably will not have such a dramatic effect.

Part B: the school fall-out, boyfriend fall-out. I am just tired and numb from this drama. Been there done that. It doesn't frazzle me anymore.  Much easier to stay off the ride, because of experience that what I do/say is not going to help.

[lbjnltx]

How do you manage the emotions you have surrounding an event like this?

Two-fold:

Part A: There were things that really upset me -- and I cried about it. I talked to her therapist. We will discuss in family therapy. Such as DD's total despair over not being pregnant. That really got me, as its a whole in her sole that needs to be filled and no one - not me, not her therapists - are able to help her. When addressed with the therapist - his response -- how do you know that's why she is doing this? Will good DBT question, but you explained it to me as a vacuum of need. Next time around it probably will not have such a dramatic effect.

Part B: the school fall-out, boyfriend fall-out. I am just tired and numb from this drama. Been there done that. It doesn't frazzle me anymore.  Much easier to stay off the ride, because of experience that what I do/say is not going to help.

Hmmm... .  sounds like some mindfullness and radical acceptance mixed together.

Radical Acceptance for family members

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness

[Survive2012]

Jbmom,

Very interesting!

I wish I could act like you do! I will try!

Survive

[jbmom]

This cycle has been nonstop for almost FOUR years now. And my younger two are upstairs being ignored as I try to get over the shock of what today brings.

This is something we came face to face with too (with help from our great family connections leader). The challenge we were given... .  what happens if we place less focus on the cycle and get back in touch with the rest of the family.  What happens if we make our relationship and relationship with our son paramount again? Would it change her behaviours? Would she be any worse? any better?

We made some changes over the past 3 months with how we approach things. Alot of it is radical acceptance. I can not will her to be different or better. She needs to do that on her own.  Though I am still her mother and will love her and take her to dance and gymnastics and feed her and clothe her, etc, I cannot fix her. I have set better boundaries, and we are now trying to take back the time stolen from our son and get the focus on him and us as a family.

What we have found... .  

We opened up to family and friends about the severity of her problems. Some received it better than others. All have agreed to help us where they can. All have agreed to help our son, all the time.  This means we have special events (AKA safe haven in place for him) A night out with Dad, a night out with Totya (Aunt), time with grandparents, etc.  We have gotten back to our routines with him (ie bedtime snuggle, etc).  We have back-ups should drama unfold in our house at any time (i.e. he can be sent accross the street if she is flipping out, or I can call a friend around the corner at any time)

- this was painful  to admit we can't control the situation, but its the truth.

DD pushed back, hard in the beginning... .  I call it the "what am I chopped liver" response, as we pulled back, she pulled harder. But we persisted and slowly, very slowly we are re-establishing a norm. We have given up on several mandates... .  such as all having dinner together. We will take the time she choses not to eat with us as time better spent with our son. Our Family T reassures us that at some point she will probably rejoin us on her own accord. We are not counting days.

We continue to plan for our future as all is normal. We have a cruise coming up, she will come. We will have to make some accomodations to our plans to ensure she is safe, but other than that she can chose to be miserable or happy on board at her discretion as she did on our last cruise -- i.e we were on one of the best beaches in the world and she refused to come in the water with the whole extended family. It was a perfect beach day and she sat and pouted in a beach chair for hours. About an hour before we were set to leave with out a word she went in the water, had a blast and was pissed when she we had to leave 'so soon'. Her own time, her own choice. We had a fun filled day, she chose to have a fun filled hour.  Her problem, not mine.

I can't say we have a firm grasp on mindfulness, radical acceptance or making appropriate boundaries, though we are gaining ground. We have our set backs, but we regroup. Each setback, I feel like we deal with better.

[Speedracer]

This is all very helpful. I'm waiting to go into therapy now. I am glad we are all getting better at managing our "norms."

[Speedracer]

Trying means trying. Trying to make those things for me a priority but there are only so many hours in a day. I'm throwing more of this on my husband.

She has been in DBT almost 2 yrs, I went too. Now she does that plus young adult group choices, family therapy, career counseling.

My therapist says that a lot of BPDs like to nonchalantly drop "a bomb" from time to time on the person who cares the most - usually mom. They save it for the end of a session or conversation. That's what she did yesterday. She requested I stay in the room then dropped her bomb.

Because of this high risk self harming behavior I want to look at therapeutic boarding school before she goes to college. My husband is refusing to even tour one with me, saying she is not mentally ill, and then some. I told him to deal with the ghonnoreah & to buy her a big box of condoms bc it's all on him now.

[lbjnltx]

Because of this high risk self harming behavior I want to look at therapeutic boarding school before she goes to college. My husband is refusing to even tour one with me, saying she is not mentally ill, and then some. I told him to deal with the ghonnoreah & to buy her a big box of condoms bc it's all on him now.

Been there... .  done that... .  dh skeptical, non supportive, argumentative... .  now... .  thankful, impressed, optimistic, happy and on board.

[Speedracer]

Lbj thank you for the hope of my husband coming around. People are telling me I've done enough, just drop her at college & be done with her, save your marriage not her. She is ONLY 16.

The plot thickens & although not everyone on here is spiritual, I praise God for revealing this information today & answering constant prayer: I called the boy's mother this morning. He just this morning asked for a dr appt, which means my dd may have gotten ghonnoreah from someone else then spread it to this boy. This means at least 2 partners maybe more in the past few weeks having unprotected sex.

The data is being collected. I am planning a trip to tour the all girls therapeutic boarding school with or without my husband. The college told me today we can petition for a gap year & they answer with a yes guaranteeing her space the following year or a no, in which case we can reassess & her space is still not lost. I cannot imagine them saying anything but "yes, please take this opportunity & come to us healthier in a year!"

[lbjnltx]

It isn't impossible to protect your marriage and get your dd help at the same time... .  I wasn't willing to sacrifice my d for money... .  that is what it came down to... I told my husband more than once that I would gladly sell all of our assets and live in an apartment if that is what it took to get her the help she needed... .  he said "I'm not".

Prayer was a big part of the process... .  love and prayer... .  validating my husbands' fears about finances, about no guaranty from the rtc, about my dd's future... .  open communication... .  use validation and validating questions with your husband to get to the root of his feelings and thoughts. 

The best outcome is for your d to get the most affective help you can get her and for you and dh to do this together... .  any version of this is acceptable.

It may help your dh to talk to some of the other dad's whose children have been through the rtc programs that you are considering... .  ask them for a list of references, call them, and ask if ":)ad" would be willing to tt your husband... .  it may help... .  especially if the outcome for their child was a good one.

lbjnltx

[Speedracer]

I called our marriage counselor who specializes in families with children with special needs - yet another therapist in the mix. She has always gotten my husband to reason better and helped us. We stopped going because dd requires too much therapy herself. But we will go to discuss all of this. All of our marriage counseling sessions were always ALL About dd.

We got a puppy today for our middle child. I'm starting a new thread about that. dd is PISSED the focus is off her. Makes me realize how much she energy she has gotten accustomed to draining from this family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders