Can Damage Done to the R/S prior to dx be Undone?

[CodependentHusband]

I posted another thread with several questions, all somewhat related, but one question I have seemed like it would make more sense as a standalone question. This question is aimed more at some of the long-term stayers; however, please, everone feel free to join in on this thread if it interests you.

Prior to my wife's preliminary dx of BPD in November, 2011, or, more succintly, prior to MY education about BPD, and the best lifestyle to live as a non to make things as good as they can possibly be, there was a lot of damage done to the quality of my marriage. I had no tools, and I was most definitely making things worse on an ongoing basis. Through the first 18 months of our r/s, she would cycle between painting me white and black, of course. The white periods could have her back into idealizing me quite a bit. The intensity of the 'white' periods would drop a little with each cycle, but it was still there. She would be very attentive of me, not only showing me empathy, but would show a lot of affection. Since the dx, the white phases have been noticeably less intense. I'm not sure if 100% of that is due to my use of tools over the past year, or if some of it is because the relationship was so very damaged by me due to going behind my wife's back and contacting her father and sister, who pressured her to go to a psychiatrist. That was a mixed blessing, in that it gave her a dx, and I was able to research what I can do as a non, but it also had my wife feeling very much betrayed by me at the time, and there was much talk of divorce by her around that time. Nowadays, she hasn't breathed the ':)' word in many, many months, and her dysregulation hasn't been directed at me; however, we don't seem anywhere near as close as it seems like we should be. I mean, we are way more stable, no doubt about that, but I guess I thought that with less bickering (me, now protecting my boundaries much more dilligently on a consistent basis), less for her to feel hurt by me, that we would be just a little bit closer. This is going to sound silly to some maybe, but we go all day long without so much as a text message asking how each other's day is going. Some days it's just because we are busy at work, but it just bothers me.


So, my question, in a more direct way is this: Once a r/s has been damaged, do you think that the damage can be undone? If so, to what extent? Are we forever limited with the quality of the r/s based on how bad things were when she got the dx? If I had known about BPD earlier, would my marriage be better than it is? How do you know when you've reached the point of making the r/s 'as good as it can possibly be?'

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[waverider]

A pwBPD lives in the now, and so what has happened in the past can be let go on a daily basis without resentment (until some kitchen sinking is enacted). So yes they can get over the past.

Difficulty is you may find it harder as the resentment cuts deep, and more knowledge often brings up more muck in hindsight. Grudges become validated if you like

The intensity is hard to bring back as disassociation is part of self protection, and you dont allow the adrenalin of the white to take a hold the same.

To a degree everything seems tarnished and you start to take on the role of carer more than as a bonded partner.

So you can gain better stability, but the "oneness' is hard to achieve

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks, WR. Those are some good points. Funny, I forget sometimes just how much progress I've made when, every once in a while, that loneliness pops up. I think you are right, as I haven't been attacked by her over all of the past hurt she's endured at my hands.

[waverider]

You learn, evolve and process things differently, they dont they react to the circumstances of the day much like a weather cycle. One sunny day to them means its going to be a great summer, yesterdays frost is forgotten, you on the other hand start learning to predict weather patterns, so dont get quite so exited but have a better chance of being correctly clothed for the season. Sensible but duller approach to life !

I hate to say it, but once you start to fix yourself there is a great danger of outgrowing them. To cope you have to loose a lot of the reckless behavior, and the maturity gap starts to become obvious.

[briefcase]

It sounds like you have arrived in that place where the relationship has stopped getting worse, and some of the problems are exposed, but things haven't really started to get better yet.  

You raise a good question about whether damage can be "undone." Let me try to paint an image.

Think of your relationship as a skyscraper that you and your partner are always building.  The stability of each floor depends on the stability of the lower floors and ultimately the foundation.    

As you build your skyscraper, you sometimes realize that it has become unstable and perhaps even dangerous because it has structural problems at some lower level that you either missed, or hoped weren't serious.  Either way, at some point, you realize you have to stop building as the entire structure sways and groans under your feet.  Usually our partners, in their own way, feel this too.

Assuming you want to try to save the building, you have no choice but to start tearing up some floors to try to find the structural problems and address them.  It's messy and exhausting work.  Things get dropped and broken along the way.  Some of the damage to the building is necessary, some is unintended.  Very often, your partner only sees the builing getting taken apart and a huge mess that YOU created.  Without really understanding why this is happening, its understandable your partner becomes even more frightened, anxious and angry.  

Then, when the messy process of exposing the problems is done, you can stand in the mess for a while trying to figure out what to do next.  As you try to figure out the structural problem, your partner would rather focus on the mess you made.  

Assuming we can address the structural problems, we can eventually start cleaning up the mess and adding floors that are more stable.  We usually also tweak the blueprints and add more steel and concrete in certain places, and maybe a little less glass in others.  As you work, perhaps single handedly, to rebuild new and stronger levels, your partner may start to notice the progress.  There are no guarantees.  

So, I don't think we can "undo" the damage.  It happened and is now part of the relationship.  I do think we can "rebuild" from the mess that often accompanies the necessary changes we make.  Sometimes our partners see the new progress and come to terms with the damage, but there are no guarantees.

I spent about 14 years building an unsafe skyscraper.  I spent about 3 years ripping up floors, even down to the foundation in some places.  In that time, I built and tore out some of the same floors more than once.  The mess was huge and that's all my wife wanted to see or address.  The floors I am building with my wife now feel more stable, and very different from what we had before.  Sure, we still talk about some of the messes, but less and less as she sees the new floors going up.  

I wondered for a long time if anything really could be rebuilt on top of the mess.  I think it can.  

At some point, the discussions about the messes along the way have to be dealt with through boundaries.  If 99 conversations about how you "betrayed" her by calling her family for help doesn't resolve the issue, then the 100th time probably won't either.  

I deal with these recurring grievances by: (1) making sure we have ample opportunity to discuss the issue in an open, honest and validating way (sometimes more than once); and (2) then, when there is nothing left to say, not re-engaging when the topic is raised again.  I usually say something like, "we've already talked about this a lot, and I don't have anything else to say about it."  I also validate.  It's important that you don't do just avoid the issue.  Use the tools to talk about the messes, but eventually you have to put it to bed.  

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks. That's a good analogy. I know that you are right about me having to address the remaining issues in some way. Another analogy that is a little similar is that the water is now calm, and has receeded, so, now there are different rocks visible above the water line. I'm going to be thinking about how to navigate things to improve our r/s. Hopefully I can minimize the mess, but I know it can't be helped to a certain extent. I just have to find a way to get there... .  I'm so glad I can actually THINK now though... .  A year ago, I don't even think it was possible for me to think in strategic terms about how to improve. Learning and trying to master the tools was much more tactical than strategic... .  it's what I needed at the time.

Like UFN always says, 'nothing changes without changes.' I'm going to think about this, but try not to ruminate. Hopefully I will be able to find a way to communicate with her about some of the issues at hand.