How long will I be responsible for my mentally ill daughter?

[tiredmommy2]

Hello all   .  Haven't been here for some time, but glad to see some of the people that I remember from before in addition to all of the new folks.

A little background:  My daughter, diagnosed with BPD and schizoaffective disorder, entered residential treatment a couple of years ago. This came about after numerous hospitalizations and brief stays in a RTF and partial hospitalization program.  She's on the severe end of the spectrum, with lots of cutting, suicidal threats, suicide attempts, hallucinations, and loads of other behavioral problems. To make matters worse, she's non-compliant with medication.

The current RTF (the 3rd or 4th one so far) has done a good job with her, and while I do see some progress, she's nowhere near actually being stable.  She has a history of violence in these settings, and during one of her earlier hospital stays, I actually went through her room and found a note saying that she would like to stab us and knives hidden away. While in these facilities, she has injured numerous staff members, and in one case, seriously so.

Here's the problem:  They're in the process of making their discharge plans.  I have a younger child at home who I need to protect, and am really concerned for her safety. Besides sitting with BPD17 all day and all night (and there were times where that didn't even help), there's no way that I can assure her safety, or the safety of my younger child.  I feel like this impending discharge is a very, very bad idea, but with limited funds and no family support, it almost seems as if my hands are tied.

My question:  If this situation lingers on until she's 18, can they legally force me to allow her to live here despite the fact that she would be a threat to my younger child?  What about if she's still 17?

Any insight on any of this would be greatly appreciated. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello tiredmommy2,

It is so good to hear from you, you have been away so long.  

I am sad to hear that your d17 is still struggling.  The uncertainty and fear can be so overwhelming for us, especially when there is another child in the home to consider.

Does her treatment team confirm that she is still a threat to self or others?  If so, can you explain why she is being discharged?

When will she be 18?  You are not legally responsible for her when she turns 18 unless you have taken legal custody of her as an adult in order to have a say in her care and some control over her choices... .  Consulting with an attorney in your state is advisable.

You have provided an incredible amount pf treatment for your d17.  If she is discharged and it is not safe for her to be living in your home, what other options do you have available?  Therapeutic foster care?  Group living?

How is your other child doing?  Excited she is coming out of treatment or afraid? Both?

We are here anytime you need support.  

lbjnltx

[tiredmommy2]

Hi there, lbjnltx.  Long time, no see for sure. 

The formal treatment team meeting is coming up pretty soon, so I can't answer all questions (good questions though btw).  This is all based off of my discussions with her T.

I suppose they are basing this off of her improved behavior; they do seem to think that she's less of a threat for now, and think that they can decrease her violent behavior even further.  But, and here's my big but... .  This is all in the sterile environment that she's in where she's surrounded by a large team of people trained to manage her medication (she takes lots of it multiple times a day, and cheeks it when she can), de escalate her when she's ramping up, and can restrain her when she finally explodes.  She frequently has breakthrough delusions and hallucinations, and while the as needed medication does seem to help, they have to manage her until she is able to settle down. There have been times where voices have instructed her to drink bleach - she managed to do it even though there's all of this supervision... .  I could go on and on with examples, but I think you get the point. 

I guess my point is that no matter what I do at home, there is no way that I can provide the structure that she needs, and there's no way that I can fully protect my younger daughter because I do have to sleep sometimes.  Besides that, little D has been through enough while BPDd was living here - I don't want to expose her to anything else.  She says that she misses her sister in a way, but is definitely afraid of her.  I get the sense that she's happier with BPDd living elsewhere and us just visiting.

DH wants her to come home, but then again DH is rarely here to help out.  I asked him about a therapeutic foster home, and he doesn't think it's necessary - he thinks she'll be "fine" at home. I asked the T about it, and she told me that the team would consider recommending it, but she'd be there briefly (1-3 months) and be working towards transitioning home.

Hope your daughter is doing well.   

[lbjnltx]

That is a very tough place to be in tiredmommy!

What does "less of a threat" look like?  If she needs meds to remain lucid and calm and is med resistant how in world do they expect you to "make her" take her meds?

How long until she is 18?

Therapeutic group home an option?

I am so worried for you, young daughter, dh and dd17  

[tiredmommy2]

The "less of a threat" is for her to go a couple of months without being violent.

If she needs meds to remain lucid and calm and is med resistant how in world do they expect you to "make her" take her meds?

Good question!   This is one that I've asked myself, and when it comes up with the T, it almost feels like she grazes over it.  She'll say something like, "We're aware, and have her on medication protocol here."  Ummmm... .  okay.  How will that help me at home?

If she manages to cheek it for a few days here and there, she is totally out of control, then it's even harder to get her to take her meds (she starts thinking they're poison).  It's not like I can sit on her and make her take them - she's bigger than I am!

I think I'm going to try not to think too far ahead because it's causing too much anxiety.  First thing is to focus on making sure she can get into a therapeutic foster home, then just take it from there.  There is a whole year before she turns 18, and even then I'm not sure what I'll do.  I'd like her to be in a safe environment where she's cared for, but by then she'll be able to do whatever she feels like doing... .  I guess this is the situation that lots of parents with adult children face though, isn't it?

[lbjnltx]

Yes, it is a common problem... .  when they turn 18 there is nothing you can really force them to do to take care of themselves.  

I don't know what the law says about forcing you to take her back into the home... .  I would think that as long as you are providing a safe place and care for her (where ever that is) that you would be within the law.

Any idea of when they want to discharge her?  Don't they have an alternative program... .  a step down program?

Keeping you in my prayers

lbj

[jellibeans]

I am sorry I don't have any answers for you but I hope for the best for you and your family... .  Is there a way for her to come home just for visits at first? I have locks on my bedroom door and my older daughter's door. The kind you just punch in numbers to open instead of a key. Maybe this will help you with your younger dd. Good luck... .  you are doing everything you can... .  

[trainwreck4]

Hi there!  I am in Canada and my daughter is in for her first hospitalization. This started last Friday and they have tried to discharge her twice so far. I told them that I will not take her out until I think she is safe from herself and my other three are safe from her. She is in for suicide attempt #3. I don't know how things work there, but can you do that?  This hospital had no follow up, no safety plan, and no assessment. She is not as severe as your daughter, but she too is a minor and I am responsible for her and her actions. As far as cheeking the pills, you could put them in a pill crusher and apple sauce. If you can't afford one, I have used a ziploc baggie and hammer!  I am so sorry you are going through this without support from your h.

[tiredmommy2]

Is there a way for her to come home just for visits at first? I have locks on my bedroom door and my older daughter's door. The kind you just punch in numbers to open instead of a key. Maybe this will help you with your younger dd. Good luck... .  you are doing everything you can... .  

In 2011 BPDd did come home for some visits - they didn't go all that well.  She kind of followed me around the house and stared at me in some weird way that I can't even describe with words. Whatever she was doing creeped me out so badly that I couldn't sleep the night she was here, and I made it a point to talk to her T about it.  The T decided to address it in a family T session, and of course BPDd got very angry and defensive - we got no where in that session. 

Hi there!  I am in Canada and my daughter is in for her first hospitalization. This started last Friday and they have tried to discharge her twice so far. I told them that I will not take her out until I think she is safe from herself and my other three are safe from her. She is in for suicide attempt #3. I don't know how things work there, but can you do that?  This hospital had no follow up, no safety plan, and no assessment. She is not as severe as your daughter, but she too is a minor and I am responsible for her and her actions. As far as cheeking the pills, you could put them in a pill crusher and apple sauce. If you can't afford one, I have used a ziploc baggie and hammer!  I am so sorry you are going through this without support from your h.

I'm not sure what I can and can't do anymore, and to make matters worse, I recently was reading something on a law website that mortified me - it's my understanding that I could be legally and financially responsible for BPDd until she's 21 because she was disabled before the age of 18... .  I think I really need to speak to an attorney.

I LOL'd when I got to the part about the ziplock and a hammer, and am still giggling now.  Why on earth didn't I think of that when she was pulling that crap here?   Some of her meds are time released, but with the rest of them I sure could have shoved them in applesauce or pudding!

As far as DH goes - he may be changing his tune soon... .  I just found out that I'm pregnant. 

Good luck with your daughter, dear. I hope that you continue standing your ground until she gets the help that she needs.   

[lbjnltx]

O ... .  wow... .  a baby coming ... .  how are you feeling about this?

Does your dh know yet? 

As far as the disabled before 18... .  hmmm... .  I would think... .  especially if she is a threat to others in the home... .  that it could work to your advantage... .  seems to me the state would have to take over her care in order to protect the other child (soon to be children) in the home and provide her housing, meds, and therapeutic care.

Definitely talk to an attorney... .  or two!


 

lbj

[tiredmommy2]

Insert Quote

O ... .  wow... .  a baby coming ... .  how are you feeling about this?

I think I'm still in shock, but am overall am happy.  I feel that this could be the do-over that I've always wanted... .  BPDd is how she is, and looking back, I can say that I was invalidating at times.  She was a hyper-sensitive child that I had no idea how to take care of - I was not equipped to give her what she needed at the time, so we were probably a bad match from the very beginning... .  I've learned a lot and definitely wouldn't make the same mistakes.  I'm in a way better place in my life, and have all the love in the world to give another child... .  DH is as proud and excited as any father could be.

A little off topic, but I would like to add that a wonderful woman from this board is going to be the *grandmother* since contact with my bio mother is out of the question. See, this baby is starting off with a more functional family already! 

Anyway, I definitely am going to speak with an attorney about BPDd. Thank you for all of your support and feedback.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Congratulations! A baby is always a blessing.  I wonder what the reaction to the news will be with BPDd.

[cfh]

Well if you are happy we are happy for you!  Congratulations and what a lucky baby to have such a wise mom!

[tiredmommy2]

Insert Quote

Well if you are happy we are happy for you!  Congratulations and what a lucky baby to have such a wise mom!

Thank you.   

Congratulations! A baby is always a blessing.  I wonder what the reaction to the news will be with BPDd.

I'm kind of wondering that myself.  Will she feel as if I'm replacing her?  Will she try harder to hurry home in an attempt to sabotage things? Will she act up in the RTF causing them to call me all day and all night because of restraints and new medications that they will give her? (sabotage from a distance - she does this when we're vacationing). I definitely had major problems with her after the birth of her younger sister. *sigh* Anyone have any wild guesses as far as what I could expect?