Are allegations of abuse standard?

[Winglessfallen]

My BPDgf has gotten to me on many occasions recently, and I have not been able to stop myself from getting angry.  It generally comes out as her making me feel crazy or driving me up the wall.  Rarely have I insulted her, if ever that I remember.  It is always just a ventilation of frustrations when she pushes me past my breaking point (which used to be massive).  In the wake of my outbursts, she has stated that I have an anger problem and that I need to get looked at and that she is afraid to speak to me, basically all mirrors of how I have felt for the last two years.  Anyway, last night-today she has said "If my friend were with you I would tell her to leave." and "I'm getting sick of your anger."  Mind you, none of this I'm proud of.  This isn't me.  I do not lose my temper, even when pushed very far by people.  This relationship has completely destroyed my patience and resolve.  That aside, I'm wondering, from her past stories of relationships, and what I've seen here, when they leave, is it often the Non who are "abusive" when they retell the stories?  I would normally take the hit, but I can feel her starting to detach from me.  Allegations could be detrimental to me at this point because of our son.  If we separate, I want to try to receive primary custody, if not sole.  I have seen the way she treats her boys and it pretty much disgusts me 9 times out of 10. I don't want my son growing up in that environment.  I'm concerned, though, that her accusations will be damning to my case if it works out.

Emotionally, I'm starting to feel how it will affect me if she leaves.  I didn't think I would take it negatively, but its shadow showing its presence makes me rethink what will go on inside me.  But that is all something that has to be overlooked if this all happens.

[BentNotBroken]

I don't know if they are "standard" but over a year out of the house and my BPDexgf continues to make false allegations about my conduct. I filed for custody. She refuses to budge an inch, and every gain I have made in the custody case has been by proving that she has been lying about my conduct and lying about her own.

Collect as much evidence as you can before you leave. Credit card statements, receipts, bank statements, bills, etc. and start recording all the time if you want to stay out of jail. Even if nothing happens, you have a verifiable record that nothing happened. When my BPD ex started painting me black, the rage came out very frequently and she projected it all on to me when she talked to other people. All she had to do to make my life hell was to make unsubstantiated false accusations. I have been fighting an uphill battle for almost a year now.

[Winglessfallen]

I've been making recordings as often as I can, I'm still figuring out a way to get more at home while I'm not there.  I was recording on a laptop, but since we moved, the computers are shelved until we get internet, and I can't find a way/reason to inconspicuously leave it plugged in.  Once its hooked up, I plan to use a webcam on our family computer to gain video evidence.  As far as statements and such, all financial happenings are my responsibility, although, she does have child support, which I can gain access to the online records.  All of this feels really underhanded, but necessary.

Are you gaining ground in the battle?  What types of accusations have you had to prove wrong and how did you?  Sorry if I'm prying.

[Diana82]

Hey there

I started a thread about this recently actually.

My ex is prone to exaggerating and fabricating abuse and harassment.

I should have seen the red flags early.  She was constantly trashing her exes and apparently one had emotionally abused her, another tried to rape her, other women tried to grope her inappropriately in public and others were "obsessed" with her and stalked and harassed her via phone.

Over time, I started to get suspicious about it. For a long time I believed it... but I picked up on inconsistencies... .  she'd change a story about what her ex did to her and I knew she was fabricating.

I also recently found out this woman she told me was a "stalker" who was obsessed with her- is actually a friend of a mutual friend who has a completely different story. She said my ex raged at her and cut her off.

And my ex is now referring to be as a "text harasser" (we had a text argument)  and most likely a stalker  (as I kept asking her to return my things and she ignored me).

So it's certainly 'standard' for my ex to behave this way.  It's messed me up.

Sometimes I have nightmares she'll tell people I tried to "rape" her too.

I think she does it because she has a need to forever be the victim.

[BentNotBroken]

Consult with a local attorney to find out what the recording laws are in your state/country. And keep it covert if you are in a single party state. Yes, it feels underhanded at first, but if you are in jail you cannot protect your children from a BPD rage. Don't reveal the recordings until you have them vetted through your attorney first. You can run afoul of federal wiretapping laws if you covertly record in certain circumstances. It is better to have the attorney in the loop early on, so you don't get slapped with a federal felony charge.

The rages are important to document, but so are the ordinary conversations. I found that my ex twisted up our entire history when she filed her affidavits. Absolutely nothing was off limits, and she portrayed me as a complete monster. I have battled accusations of everything short of child abuse and child molestation. One of the most helpful pieces of evidence has been her own journals. I took hi-res pictures of every page, it only takes a second or two per page, and saved them for later review and printing. I figured it was better to have them and not need them, than to need them and not have them.

One thing to note is that the allegations against you are likely to change as the case progresses. That mirroring super-power that BPDs have is put to use in reading what gets the most sympathy from the listener, and they will "read" the areas of concern from the 3rd parties that get involved and shape the allegations to get the most hostile reactions towards you. I started my case with the GAL believing almost every word out of my ex's mouth. Horrible, vague accusations that are hard to disprove. (Almost impossible to prove a negative--ie. He left drugs lying around the house! How do you prove that never happened? Lots of negative drug tests?)

I could, and I may write a book about this once it is all over. It has been the craziest experience of my entire life. 100+ false accusations and counting!

[Winglessfallen]

Thats all good advice, I just have to get the courage to actually talk to an attorney.  It seems like such a large step and almost a solid decision.

We talked last night about this argument.  She said she thought I was taking out issues I have with other women from my past on her.  She said she feels like the female punching bag.  She also said that she has never in all her relationships been talked to like I talk to her.  I simply say things like "I don't know.  I see how you can feel that."  etc, because to tell the truth, I can't bring myself to share that the reason is the simple answer, her.  Not my past, her. 

By the end of it, she chose the option that I have been pushing against for the last two year.  I have always given her the benefit of the doubt.  Always said that "this" or "that" are affecting her and making her lash out.  And I've always tried to remember the good times, and say that she isn't all bad.  But last night she told me that all the good things that I do do not make up for "all" the bad things.  For all the times shes told me I only focus on the negative, which I think she said last night, she told me that everything I've done for her doesn't outweight the five six or ten times that I've gotten angry at her pushing and poking and pressure and yelled at her.  The woman that slams doors and yells in frustration at me and her children, talks over top of you in every argument and throws out insults and accusations like its as come as the letter "e" told me that I don't know how to have an adult relationship and discuss things calmly and without losing my temper.  She uses the fact that I've never lived with a woman I was with before as leverage in that argument.  I have lived with and dealt with hundreds of people I disagree with, and I have had no problems having an adult discussion.  I have never dealt with someone in such close relation with such a strong tie to stay who has a mental illness that basically forces her to be terrible at relationships. 

I really want to take up roots on this board and join the ranks of the free.  I'm only staying, especially since this little revelation of hers, because of my son.  I have always tried to play by her rules, and if this is the rule she just wrote, I am more than happy to use it.

Sick of feeling uncomfortable to sit down, that the book I'm going to read is going to lead to a flow of insults.  Sick of feeling like everytime her leg hurts, or she has a headache, or a cold I have to be at her beck and call.  Sick of feeling like s#!t all the time.

He brother in law just posted on FB that "Happiness is a choice."  and its really hard for me not to write "Sometimes other people can impede your choice, no matter how much you want to be happy."