I really wish I knew what keeps me with her.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am growing very tired of feeling so anxious. I can't focus on anything. We have worked together for the past 3 years and she has got a new job, started monday. I already feel better at work, but when it comes time to leave work I get a nervous stomach and then I go to her place and forget anything I might have wanted to do. Hell, I don't even plan something for me anymore. I just really want to end it. I just think of how bad she is going to make it. How irrational and out of control. Blaming me for abandoning her and the 5 yr old boy. I know what's coming. Thank you for listening. I am so anxious right now. I am headed over there. This just plain sucks. I am not my own person anymore. I hope I don't sound as dramatic as she is. Im just so tired.

[Consumed]

I am growing very tired of feeling so anxious. I can't focus on anything. We have worked together for the past 3 years and she has got a new job, started monday. I already feel better at work, but when it comes time to leave work I get a nervous stomach and then I go to her place and forget anything I might have wanted to do. Hell, I don't even plan something for me anymore. I just really want to end it. I just think of how bad she is going to make it. How irrational and out of control. Blaming me for abandoning her and the 5 yr old boy. I know what's coming. Thank you for listening. I am so anxious right now. I am headed over there. This just plain sucks. I am not my own person anymore. I hope I don't sound as dramatic as she is. Im just so tired.

[Consumed]

I went to her apt and sat and watched tv with her and her son. She got upset, becaus eI told her son to stop grabbing at the phone while she was using it. She tells me to stop repremanding him and then didn't let up on my for an hour. I tried to help her calm down but that wasn't happening. I asked to talk about things and not be so mad. Not a chance. I might as well asked the coffee table. She had that vile look and the anger was so bad. On my way out the door I said if want to act more than 10 years old, give me a call. I should not have said call me. I really hope this is the end. I don't know why I have been there this long. I am angry and anxious tonight. I just don't understand how a 43 year old woman can act like that. I want to move on. I appreciate any input. Thank you.

[waverider]

Deep down do you really feel as though you deserve better?

You dont sound as though you think it will get better or have any delusions about fixing her. So is it about being unable to fix yourself?

[Consumed]

Waverider, Thank you.

I do believe it is about not feeling able to fix me. I don't know what I am feeding in me by not ending it. I get scared, and feeling like she may get better after I leave and then I miss out on something I put a lot of effort and emotion into. plus the games afterward, especially with her son. He calls me daddy and when we have split in the past, she tried putting a lot of guilt on me of abandoning "him". I feel so manipulated. I can't seem to pull the trigger to take care of me.

[waverider]

Are you waiting for her to dump you?

That way you will be able to validate your own low opinion of yourself.

pwBPD think along those lines.

Self defeating yourself to avoid having to prove yourself.

Improving yourself is hard as you have to first overcome denial and  admit to, and face your own failings.

[Consumed]

Last night she was just out of control. I should have walked out 10 times. She says if you walk out that door That's it, and I didn't walk out. Then I beat myself up for not walking out. I don't know what I'm holding on to. I don't know why I am putting my self through this. I have been so anxious. She is anxious and nervous everyday and I support her, comfort her and take care of her. If she senses I'm anxious, she gets out of control and says "I can't do this". I spend a lot of time with her trying to help her calm down. I know so much I need to take care of myself. I have to get my act together. There is so much tension and I feel so manipulated. I feel so weak.

[hithere]

It sounds like you feel miserable and hopeless, at least if you leave her then you might feel this bad or worse for a certain length of time but there will be light at the end of the tunnel, you will have an opportunity at a better more healthy and satisfying relationship.

If you stay with her, what do you have to look forward to?

That was really one of the aha moments for me, I was honest with myself and looked into what the future had in-store for me and it was hell.

Get into therapy and work on yourself.

[HarmKrakow]

I also think we need to notify the reason why you stay with her. Because the r/s with a BPDer is intense above all normal levels and the feelings you have when everything seems normal, is like a mixture of 24 sorts of drugs and valium together (not that i've ever taken drugs, but you get the point). It's that incredible high your after.

Unfortunately, that 'high' was produced due to her illness. Something you unfortunately don't 'control'... .  the moment you realize you don't have that under control you will realize that your actions are futile...

[Newton]

clancygt... .  if she was out of control and you had cause to "walk out 10 times"... .  then a good firm boundary of "I will not sit and experience my SO being out of control"... .  will allow you to walk out the FIRST time you have cause to from her poor behaviour... .  let alone the 10th!... .  why are you tolerating this abuse?

A boundary will prevent you from having to experience it... .  and send a clear message that you are not willing to  

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons/workshops on boundaries?... .  they could really help out... .  


In addition, attempting to sit there and attempt to make her "feel better"... .  will be incredibly invalidating for her... .  it is telling her she is wrong... .  not just in her feeling, but in her existence... .  

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons and workshops on validation... .  and SET language?... .  

It is a lot of hard work to adopt these principles and put them into effect, you may be suprised at the results.  :)o not kid yourself making this work, or even tolerable will be easy... .  it's not... .  

"Helping her calm down" will really piss her off... .  you are not responsible for controlling and managing her feelings... .  There are ways, however, to stop making things worse... .  

Where do you want this relationship to go?... .  What would be the bare minimum you would require in order to stay?... .  

[HarmKrakow]

clancygt

"Helping her calm down" will really piss her off... .  you are not responsible for controlling and managing her feelings... .  There are ways, however, to stop making things worse... .  

Whehehe ... this is so true. Unfortunately, but so, so so true.