i miss him, but am at a bottom

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i just miss him.

it's been almost 2 weeks again, since he came back, and left. 

he did finally get into see someone at an agency, had an initial appointment, and told me he's going to go back and may need meds. 

he pulled his same m.o., and texted me that "it's over, (blah blah blah)"

he texted me the other night after no word for 2 weeks

"i'm feeling somewhat better"

then nothing.

i am so beaten down. 

i think i am really trying to let go and move on.

but, tonight, i went and ate at one of our favorite spots and i got so lonely for him. i love him. i miss him. 

i am pretty sure he will be back--and maybe he will have gotten the help he needs, but i am so tired.  i don't know if i can do it anymore.  and the grief is really hitting me hard tonight.

as usual, i feel like if he walked through the door and said he was getting help, and that he wanted to be together, that i would not say no.

so, i guess i am undecided.  or maybe i am not done.  i don't know. it just hurts, really bad.

[wdone]

i just miss him.

it's been almost 2 weeks again, since he came back, and left. 

he did finally get into see someone at an agency, had an initial appointment, and told me he's going to go back and may need meds. 

he pulled his same m.o., and texted me that "it's over, (blah blah blah)"

he texted me the other night after no word for 2 weeks

"i'm feeling somewhat better"

then nothing.

i am so beaten down. 

i think i am really trying to let go and move on.

but, tonight, i went and ate at one of our favorite spots and i got so lonely for him. i love him. i miss him. 

i am pretty sure he will be back--and maybe he will have gotten the help he needs, but i am so tired.  i don't know if i can do it anymore.  and the grief is really hitting me hard tonight.

as usual, i feel like if he walked through the door and said he was getting help, and that he wanted to be together, that i would not say no.

so, i guess i am undecided.  or maybe i am not done.  i don't know. it just hurts, really bad.

[elemental]

It's a rough night for me, too.

Try to get some rest and take care of yourself. 

He has to take these steps for himself. Let him do it.

[GreenMango]

So sorry wdone.

It can be a difficult (and long) road with someone that has BPD.   I've watched you move to and from the staying board this has to be emotionally exhausting too.  I was just wondering if you've had a chance to do the Choosing a Path yet?  Specifically #5 it may help to sit back a little and look at what you need and the pros/cons.  The love you feel is always there, but sometimes doing #5 can help to see things a little clearer.

I know it's hard.

[Surnia]

I feel with you, wdone! 

Trying let go is hard!

I really agree with elemental, taking care of yourself. What can help you doing this? Do you have something that keeps you moving?

[wdone]

So sorry wdone.

It can be a difficult (and long) road with someone that has BPD.   I've watched you move to and from the staying board this has to be emotionally exhausting too.  I was just wondering if you've had a chance to do the Choosing a Path yet?  Specifically #5 it may help to sit back a little and look at what you need and the pros/cons.  The love you feel is always there, but sometimes doing #5 can help to see things a little clearer.

I know it's hard.

WHat is the "choosing a path, #5"? thanks... .   

[wdone]

I feel with you, wdone! 

Trying let go is hard!

I really agree with elemental, taking care of yourself. What can help you doing this? Do you have something that keeps you moving?

i have a lot of friends... i've been reaching out to them.  i am planning to work out tomorrow.  i have an upcoming project this weekend that is keeping me very busy.  i need to go to sleep... .  i am so tired... .  

oh, and i ate a salmon salad tonight for dinner.   i am really trying to focus on me and self care... .  

[wdone]

It's a rough night for me, too.

Try to get some rest and take care of yourself. 

He has to take these steps for himself. Let him do it.

good reminder--trying to let him. i am out of steam anyway... .  

i still love him, but also kind of want to move on, date, be over him, meet someone else.  it's been so long with out consistency of any kind on any front--i want intimacy, physical, emotional, sexual... .  been waiting for so long.  :'(

[GreenMango]

wdone here is the link to the Choosing a Path https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.msg1099710#msg1099710.  It's the lessons and guide for trying to make a decision.  It breaks it down into a step by step so it doesn't feel so overwhelming.

It seems like you've done a few of the steps already, but where do you think you would be in the process?

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

[patientandclear]

WD -- you know, things are going to look roughly the same for the next stretch of time, no matter how you think about it.  He's going to try to deal with his situation, and you are going to live your life.  Eventually, he will come back.

The only question is: how are you going to be thinking about this time?  Are you going to be fundamentally waiting for him? Or are you going to be fundamentally open to some new life configuration?

I say: why not pick option two?  No matter what, it seems to me, it's better.  If some new r/s that is incredibly rewarding comes along, you can do that, and have a happier ending.  If it doesn't, this approach is undoubtedly going to be better for your state of mind, not to mention attractive to others.

I think there is some peace in realizing you already know what you are going to do, the question is, are you going to try to be happy about doing it.  I hope you will!  I think it is very significant that your gut is finally telling you that this may be enough, unless he changes radically.