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Author Topic: Reach back out to him or not?  (Read 588 times)
LetItBe
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« on: January 17, 2013, 01:24:46 PM »

I had a 10-month RS with my BPDexbf, followed by a breakup initiated by him, then 6 1/2 months of NC on my end.  He sent a couple of letters during that time, owning his part in things, taking blame away from me, and expressing some regret.  He eventually left a voice message, expressing his desire to have a conversation with me.  I was trying to detach from him during this time and had started a new RS when I got his v.m.  That RS ended, and I decided to respond to my exBPD (1 1/2 months after his call), asking if that conversation would still be something beneficial for us to have.  He sent me an email taking responsibility for his experiences and basically removing any blame from me.  He then said this:

"I have no regrets, though.  I’ve needed every experience I’ve had to learn what I’ve learned.  That includes all of the last year and a half. And I am eternally thankful for your participation and contributions in my life.  I don't think I could have found what I received from you anywhere else.  I just hope that we both continue to grow and learn to better understand our needs and how to find the support we need, both from ourselves and from others.  And you will always have available an open offer of my help and support."

I responded in kind, taking responsibility for my experiences and reiterating that I think we both did the best we could with the knowledge and skills we had.  I called him the next day, and we talked for 1 1/2 hours.  We both seemed to have so much to say!   I let him know, "I welcome -- and encourage -- you to call whenever you feel like it," thus officially ending NC. 

We ran into each other by chance a couple of days later, and we ended up hanging out for about an hour, having a very mature, kind, healing conversation.  It seemed there was still an attraction there, but we didn't act on that.  We've both been working on ourselves diligently during our time apart.  I really admire how dedicated he is to his own healing and self-growth.  He has been in T for 8 years and really puts in the effort outside of therapy, too.  He's realized that he used to rely on others to make him "okay" but that he needs to be "okay" with himself.  Yay for him!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  He mentioned that he realizes that while he feels better, he will sometimes "need to re-center, like we all do," and that there may be times he "withdraws."  I liked that he sounded very realistic and patient with himself, not pie-in-the-sky, impossible promises.  He did take some risks and express some things that could make one feel vulnerable, saying he's "missed me" and that he didn't "love me any less now than he did in our RS."  He's really been working on being more expressive.  Again, we both had so much to say, and it seemed hard for both of us to stop talking.  Our visit ended with a (respectable) hug that lasted quite awhile.  It's obvious there's still a lot of love there.  I'll admit that I about stumbled walking away -- I was pretty happy, and it felt like huge weight had been lifted with our forgiveness toward each other.

I'll also admit that I'm hoping he might want to rekindle our RS since we both seem to be in a better space now, and we've removed blame.  Even a friendship would be nice, though.  I don't want to push anything, though.  I did receive an email from him about 5 days later, citing a mutual interest of ours.  I responded with something similar but shorter.  It's been 9 days since then, and I haven't heard from him.  I'm wondering now if I came off as aloof.  I think back to my comment to him encouraging him to call when he feels like it and think to myself that was a very clear message, but I'm not sure -- his perception (esp. w/BPD) could be different than mine.  He did express he was glad I called him after our initial email exchange because he didn't want to push it after not hearing back from me for so long after trying to reach out to me during our NC time.  I'm wondering if he might have gotten scared, if he's trying to "be okay" with himself (without me), and if I should leave him alone, let him reach out to me -- or if I should give him some kind of little green light after what could have been construed as an aloof tone in my short email to him?  Thoughts?

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hithere
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2013, 03:23:47 PM »

Did you ask him if he is in a relationship or seeing anyone? What was his response? Did it sound honest?

Well since you are in the staying section I am surprised you have not initiated contact.  If you want him back then I am sure he will take you if he is unattached.

It seems he was in therapy long before you guys split up, so what do you think will be different this time?

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laelle
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« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2013, 03:35:26 PM »

I think you should do as you feel you should do, just take us and the tools with you.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

No one here is going to judge you for trying again with a relationship that meant alot to you.  Just know if he is BPD its going to take alot of change and growing on your part.   Best of luck. 

ps, Take care of you.
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shatra
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« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2013, 03:42:23 PM »

Hello

   It sounds like the push-pull going on. He pushes you away (like now) and then pulls you close. PwBPD are unable to easily sustain close contact without pushing and pulling. I sometimes feel upset and take it personally----it helps me to use the lessons on the right side of the page.

   He will likely contact you again soon. What would you like out of this relationship? Also, you wrote that you accidentally bumped into each other... .  is it possible he saw you on purpose?

Have a nice day

Shatra
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LetItBe
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« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2013, 03:47:44 PM »

No, he isn't seeing anyone else.  He is pretty relationship-avoidant.  I was his first relationship -- or even date -- in 7 years.  Also, it didn't seem like he saw me on purpose, but it would be okay with me if he did.

I definitely realize being with a pwBPD requires a lot of growth and self-awareness.  Something he said during our last conversation:  "I've never known 2 people more committed their own self-growth and willing to look within."  That conversation went so well.  

Something that is different is he seems to be taking more responsibility for his experiences.  Also, he recognizes that withdrawing can be problematic.  He's had some very encouraging insights during our time apart and seems committed to staying on his path to improvement.  

Something that is different about me is that I, too, have removed blame from him.  I don't take it personally, even this recent quiet period.  I can also see how my rescuer tendencies weren't healthy for either one of us, so no more of that!  He didn't seem dysregulated last time we had contact, so I wouldn't think if I contact him this would fall under "rescue" attempt.  

I'd like to see if we could have a better relationship now.  We definitely have a deep love and appreciation for each other.  It seems like we've worked on the important stuff and both have a healthy awareness that things can still come up and there will always be more ways to improve ourselves.

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patientandclear
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« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2013, 03:50:34 PM »

Hi NonGF!  I'll respond further via PM, but wanted to say here that I think, if you are feeling in a strong and self-confident place such that you could deal with rejection if it comes, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you showing him more clearly that the light is green (I don't mean by that a message about "hey, I'd love to rekindle our relationship," but rather, any sort of open, friendly, non-specific overture).  

There is no end to the damage that mutual mis-assumptions can do here.  Mutual fear of rejection.  You sit tight because he's sitting tight because you're sitting tight ... .  

You will only know if he is withdrawing if you are not, if that makes sense!

At the same time ... .  for me, in my ongoing quasi-romantic friendship with my uBPDex, I have a rule that I will show 95% of the interest in him that he does in me.  Which rules out showing no interest, or limited interest, so long as he is meaningfully engaging -- I'm not looking to play games or manipulate him into chasing me, I want to develop a real relationship of trust, consistency within the limits of BPD, and confidence.  But I really don't ever again want to be the one who wants this the most.  His rejection of me almost wrecked me.  I want not to be in that position again.

That means most of the time I let him initiate contact.  However, in a stretch like the one you're in, I would probably make a light overture to further contact.  Again, just to show the light is green & you were not trying to shut him down.  Whenever I've done that during one of my ex's distant periods, it certainly hasn't harmed anything, and several times, it was like a lifeline he grabbed because it made clear I was feeling warm and benevolent toward him.  For whatever reasons he had doubts about that, and being reassured that all was well was what we needed to get the ball rolling again.

I would keep it light so you aren't setting yourself up for a big rejection if he can't fully respond right now.

I also want to caution, though, that he may be doing better precisely because he is not in a relationship, if he isn't.  That seems to be the case with my ex.  He is learning to be himself.  It's been decades in the making & he has had very little practice in knowing who he is without reference to another person.  I think it's starting to feel good to him & he is really reluctant to jeopardize that by forming too close a bond with someone else.  Your guy sounds like he may be in a similar place.  So it may be that friends is a better choice for right now.  Regardless, as friends or partners, even if he is doing great work in therapy, closeness is a trigger and it is highly unlikely that he will be able to be close with you without occasional distancing/pulling away, so you need to prepare yourself for that emotionally.  I am prepared, and I still find it hard.
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SeekerofTruth
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2013, 04:03:32 PM »

I'm impressed by the maturity level of your initial post.  There's an overall grounding sobering effect that details a lot of effort, respect, and affection as it pertains to both of you... .  with the possibility of a restart or new beginning, in the context of a FRIENDS FIRST type of sentiment, awareness, and need for a healthy base (as a possibility).  Sounds so promising, you know?

That being said:  the flavor I sense most is that of a distancer-pursuer dynamic.  I also hear some vulnerability on your part in "wondering" what to do.  My sense is that underneath the "wondering" and ambivalence, there's a hint of a slight tone of guilt or remorse on your part... .  i.e. did i leave him hanging?  did i really want him to pursue me a tad further... .  or is he scared and needs time to recenter with out me, or should I have given him more of a green light of encouragment rather than some possibility on your part as having come across as aloof... .  

Hmmm... .  that being said, important to acknowledge that NC appears to be transforming into a re-initiation... .  what form that takes, whose to say?

Best wishes in your continued growth.  I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your post.  Be well... .  
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LetItBe
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2013, 11:52:28 AM »

 You sit tight because he's sitting tight because you're sitting tight ... .  

Thanks for all of the feedback!

C&P, this is exactly what was happening!  He didn't want to push me, and I didn't want to push him.  

I decided to text him something funny last night, heard right back from him, and we had some very fun, witty banter for a bit.  He took some risks and expressed himself in ways that haven't always been easy for him, and he said he was looking forward to seeing me.  We ended up getting together for an in-person conversation, and it went great... .  some more lighthearted banter, some serious stuff addressing our past and present, and a goodbye kiss.  I found myself feeling strangely present, able to enjoy the moments, and also GROUNDED.  Yay!  I feel okay, and I know that I'll be okay no matter what, especially after everything I've learned being NC with him for over 6 months, and having the Lessons and support here.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   I don't expect everything to always be rainbows and butterflies, but I do feel more prepared to handle things that can come up.  I'll be reading more of the Lessons and keeping up my meditation practice and my other "me"-activities.

His friend who visits every year at this time is coming in tomorrow and spending a week here, which I think is perfect.  It's good to take things slowly, I think, and this will allow us some time to miss each other some more and savor what just happened.  
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SeekerofTruth
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« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2013, 06:47:03 PM »

Excerpt
It's good to take things slowly, I think, and this will allow us some time to miss each other some more and savor what just happened

slowly-- sounds very wise, informed, mature... .  

Excerpt
... .  and keeping up my meditation practice and my other "me"-activities.

very well said nongf.  Bravo.  Easy does it.
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