Conflict between D16 and S14.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This response from their mom:

I appreciate that you are supporting my decision regaring the consequences for D16's behavior.  I guess I'm in agreement with S14 spending more time with you right now simply because him and D16 do seem to fuss at each other and it escalates sometimes to them losing their tempers.  But I don't think it is needed right now to keep S14's behavior in check.  But I am willing to try it for a couple of weeks, but not until the end of the school year.

The schedule has gotten off track so I'm not sure when they are supposed to be back with me.  So are you proposing  S14 stay with you this week during the evenings and then come to my house and stay with me Fri, Sat. & then back to your place Sun?  So then he spends the following week with me and D16 is with you?  Please let me know - thanks.

So the good news is, she agrees in principal that S14 spending more time with me may be good.  The bad news is, we're set up to argue about it in a few weeks, instead of just agreeing through the rest of the school year as I proposed.  (As if anything is going to get better at her house within the next few weeks.)

My answer:

OK.

Both kids with me this week, through Saturday.  D6 is going to City Friday, race Saturday morning, back Saturday afternoon.

D16 with you from this Saturday 1/26 through the following Saturday 2/2.  But if you want to do anything with S14 next weekend that should work;  he has Activity tomorrow (Monday) but I don’t know if he does next weekend.

I’ll let you know if I need to travel the week of 1/28-2/1 as soon as I can.

I think this puts the immediate issues to rest.  Legally we have 50/50, but over time both kids have spent more time with me than their mom - probably about 2/3 or 3/4 of the time here.  This will move that further, for S14, at least for a short time.

D16 will probably go away to college in about 2 1/2 years.  So this is a key time - she'll be alone with her mom more than she has up til now, but she spends a lot of time on homework and after-school activities.  We'll see how that works... .  

[Matt]

This response from their mom:

I appreciate that you are supporting my decision regaring the consequences for D16's behavior.  I guess I'm in agreement with S14 spending more time with you right now simply because him and D16 do seem to fuss at each other and it escalates sometimes to them losing their tempers.  But I don't think it is needed right now to keep S14's behavior in check.  But I am willing to try it for a couple of weeks, but not until the end of the school year.

The schedule has gotten off track so I'm not sure when they are supposed to be back with me.  So are you proposing  S14 stay with you this week during the evenings and then come to my house and stay with me Fri, Sat. & then back to your place Sun?  So then he spends the following week with me and D16 is with you?  Please let me know - thanks.

So the good news is, she agrees in principal that S14 spending more time with me may be good.  The bad news is, we're set up to argue about it in a few weeks, instead of just agreeing through the rest of the school year as I proposed.  (As if anything is going to get better at her house within the next few weeks.)

My answer:

OK.

Both kids with me this week, through Saturday.  D6 is going to City Friday, race Saturday morning, back Saturday afternoon.

D16 with you from this Saturday 1/26 through the following Saturday 2/2.  But if you want to do anything with S14 next weekend that should work;  he has Activity tomorrow (Monday) but I don’t know if he does next weekend.

I’ll let you know if I need to travel the week of 1/28-2/1 as soon as I can.

I think this puts the immediate issues to rest.  Legally we have 50/50, but over time both kids have spent more time with me than their mom - probably about 2/3 or 3/4 of the time here.  This will move that further, for S14, at least for a short time.

D16 will probably go away to college in about 2 1/2 years.  So this is a key time - she'll be alone with her mom more than she has up til now, but she spends a lot of time on homework and after-school activities.  We'll see how that works... .  

[Matt]

Text from D16's best friend:

Dear Mr. Matt,

This is Friend.

D16 doesn't know I'm sending this message but I would like to ask you to let her go to winter formal.

I know it's not my business, but I will be alone with an awkward date without her.

Thanks!

They were going to go together - both sophomores.

I texted back:

Friend, thanks for your note.  I'm sorry it will be awkward for you but there will be other dances you can go to together.  Matt

I think her friend's note was probably true - D16 didn't put her up to it.  I just can't back down because her friend will be inconvenienced.