Another observation

[griz]

So for the past two days DD has been sick.  Might be the flu or the worst cold I have ever seen however for the past two days my DD before BPD is back.  She feels miserable put is pleasant. Spending lots of time on the couch in need of drinks but everything is please and thanks so much mom and would you mind.  Today I was at work all day and left before she woke up.  She called me when she woke and said she felt terrible so I told her to just try to get some rest.  She did not call me at work except for once to ask me about what time I would be home.  When I got home she looked like hell but she was pleasant and we joked a lot while I was making her and her bf some dinner. 

I felt like having ice cream tonight so I went into the den and asked them if they wanted ice cream.  I guess DD thought I was going just for her or because she didn't feel well and she said, "no mom, you look tired.  Why don't you just relax, we really don't need it." 

I am not sure if it is the fact that I am fussing over her that she is so pleasant but I have noticed this before when she wasn't feeling well. I think that maybe being the center of attention is something she likes although other than checking on her I am really just going about my business (obviously, here I am). 

I was just wondering if anyone else noticed things like this.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

For my D to be sick was a crooked good time since she was little. This is when she would let down her guard and let me in - even as a baby. I believe it is more than seeking attention - maybe their is a shift in how their brain is working when body is focused on physical healing?

qcr  

[somuchlove]

Some of the time when my dd was pregnant or really focused on her child's needs she can be very sweet and a would be sweet and so loving when we talked or I was out helping her.   I always cherished those nice words and conversations we would have.  It just made me feel so sad that that was not the way it could always be.  Mainly for her because she does have so many special things in her life.  Oh how I wish I could get her help, as I know you all do for your BPD. 

[almostvegan]

Omg!

When my d was little we always knew when she was getting sick because she'd become so sweet!

I can't believe I'm hearing this from someone else!

Hope she feels better ( but stays sweet!)

AV

[griz]

qc:

I never thought about a shift in how the brain could be working. 

av: are you sure we are not living the same life

Griz

[mary290]

I know for me, when my kids are sick, I just feel so bad for them and they get Florence Nightingale treatment.  I really do try to be patient with them in general and loving but when they are sick, I NEVER get angry, become annoyed or do anything other than make sure they are as comfortable as possible and have everything they need.  My 2 non BPD's are fine either way but when my dd22 was ever sick she would become so appreciative and sweet.  Hmm... .  maybe we just have to keep them sick all the time.  JK!  Sort of... .  

I am learning about DBT and validation etc and it seems to me that if, on some level, they know when they are sick there will be no judgement, no arguing, no criticizing, then maybe they really do let their guard down and just become, well, nice.  This is a really interesting observation Griz.

Mary

[momontherun]

This is very interesting - I can't really relate as dd15 has only been sick 3 times in her life (awesome immune system) so I am trying to remember how she was... .  she did become very sweet, polite and calm after she had surgery on her finger (broken and the bone slid with a small fragment floating around) however that only lasted a few days so it was hard telling what was the medication and what wasn't.

I have noticed though she seems more relaxed and content being the center of attention (although she see's herself as not liking to be put on the spot) and quickly bares teeth and claws when it gets interrupted by ds11 when all he wants to do is get some attention himself or be apart of it... .  its ok for ds4 to interrupt or be apart of it as that's what little kids do and they need that (her words). I have also observed she gets really elated, easy going and full of confidence after an si... .  so the upward change could very well be a mix of attention and chemical reactions in the brain when the body is repairing itself?

 

[cfh]

Bad mother report!

But when ds was little every time he cut a tooth he would run a high fever, in fact any time he ran a fever he would turn into this docile, quiet, compliant little guy.  Hate to admit to this but I actually looked forward to those times.

[momontherun]

cfh - if that makes you a bad mother than I am one too which I refuse to believe after sacrificing and giving so much trying to help our children in the best way we know how, continuing to learn, adapt and change in order to help our children... .  that's not a bad mother at least in my book.

I started to secretly (not so secret now I guess) anticipate the next si then I started feeling guilty and like a bad mom until I realized when she does its like something switches on no longer very depressed, becomes sweet, insightful and is able to reach an acceptable level of happiness smiling, teasing and laughing again. I enjoy those times. When that's what we get its not shameful to look forward to those times at least its like that for me and if I were I betting woman I would say its like that for you as well.

[Someday . . .]

My daughter was a pretty easy child but was always pretty needy and craved attention.  What was different about her when she was sick was that she would become "normal".  It's hard to define, but when she wasn't sick she was "too much" - not in a horrible way, but in a mild way.  It was such a joy when she was sick because then she would be 'just right'.

[cfh]

momontherun

I think we are actually all really great moms!  

So we enjoy a few moments of peace now and then... .  good for us.  In the long run it will make us better parents.

This journey we are on has no roadmap so we have to learn on the job.

Last night I had dinner with my closest friends who know EVERYTHING about me and our family.  

Ten years ago there would have been a lot of tears.  Now we can laugh at all the insanity.

We've learned to cope better and we've learned to accept what is.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[momontherun]

momontherun

I think we are actually all really great moms!  

So we enjoy a few moments of peace now and then... .  good for us.  In the long run it will make us better parents.

This journey we are on has no roadmap so we have to learn on the job.

Absolutely! I was directed to you for the "bad mom report" but started generalizing saying "you" as in the "you" who read this- rereading it did not come out that way at all... .  We are all wonderful parents giving it our all finding respite in each other, passing along ideas and discussing them to stay on track - I feel lucky to have found such an eclectic bunch that really get all of this