Older children and sudden divorce

[desperate dutchman]

Hi all looking for some feed back

My uBPDw of 20 yrs and I have had some difficult times in the past. They usually resolved themselves and life continued. She is very high functioning , no unfaithfulness , no obvious self destructive behavior. She does rage and is emotionally abusive and highly controlling. I have been employing the techniques learned here and in CoDA so she has been in a big paradigm shift that for her.  She decided that she wants a divorce after we had been separated for six months. Anyway we have two daughters one is 20 and the other is about to turn 18 in a month. While technically a minor she will likely not be part of the court proceedings.

I have learned my wife has been intimating that I will hurt the girls and I believe that it is having damaging affect on my relationship with youngest d  the separation was sudden as was wife's decision to get a divorce. So daughters life was shattered without real preparation or cushioning

I have reassured her d that she is always safe with me and pointed out that her mothers feeling is illogical ( prior to separation wife had no basis for her feelings) I have had very limited contact with my youngest and enjoy a normal relationship with my oldest. Both daughters reside with mother.

I have been told that my relationship with my daughter  will work itself out in the future yet knowing the controlling nature of my wife have a hard time believing it .  Any suggestions to neutralize my wife's present behavior ?

[Matt]

All I can suggest is the simple and obvious:  spend as much time as you can with both daughters - together and separately - and talk openly with them about what's going on.

State facts, like what exactly you heard from whom.  What I mean is, you wrote, "I have learned my wife has been... .  ".  When talking to your daughters, if you can say, "X told me that your Mom said 'Blah blah blah.' to her."  Specifics - who told you what.  Those are the facts you know.  You don't know exactly what Mom said, but you know what you were told and by whom.

"X told me that your mom told her 'Blah blah blah.'  I just want you to know that I have never hurt your mom, or anybody else, and I never will."

When we separated, my wife of 12 years called 911 and told them I "pushed her down the stairs".  If it was true, I could have been charged with attempted murder.  It was completely false, and when the police investigated, their report proved it was false.  I told my older kids - then 17 and 29 - "Your mom called 911 and said I pushed her down the stairs.  That wasn't true - I have never hurt her or anyone else.  The police investigated and their report proved it wasn't true.  She wouldn't have said something like that unless she had a serious problem of some sort, so that's where we are  now - I'm hoping she'll get help but til she does I don't see us back together."

I won't say that "worked", because in that situation I don't know if anything would "work".  Both kids took it OK, but they both stressed about it a lot, and acted out in different ways.  SD17 got caught smoking pot with a friend a few days later, and admitted that she did it to get our attention.  SS29 was in rehab at the time, and he got very hostile toward his counselors there - acted angry at them but they knew it wasn't them he was mad at.

So I'm not saying that talking openly with your daughters will make everything go smoothly, only that if you don't they may be stuck with whatever their mom tells them.

You might want to check out ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  It deals with this subject very well.

[desperate dutchman]

Thanks Matt

We have court ordered coparenting classes automatically in my state and I have attended. I doubt that my wife will given that our daughter is almost 18. She will probably seek to get out of it. I learned from it and other divorce books that what my wife is doing is the opposite of what is healthy for the kids. While my wife says that she is not standing in the way of preventing kids from seeing me she is very controlling and will put obstacles in the way ie other activities and insisting that studies come first. Although d could study at my place just as well.

I know from my older d that they are just appeasing their mom so as to not start conflict ( my concern is that they will be just as codependant  as I was) worried that the unhealthy environment may create either codependant or BPD

I may seek relief from the court yet I have been told that given the d age that I may not have much of a chance and risk causing problems down the line

DD

[Matt]

Make agreements directly with each daughter - don't involve their mom.

"Let's go to dinner Sunday.  How about if I pick you up at 6:00 and I can bring you back around 8:00?"  Then do it.