How to support BPD son who blames me for everything wrong in his life?

[MammaMia]

Well, here we go again!

38yo BPD son is mad at the world.  Looking for work.  Having trouble finding anything.  Lives alone because he cannot stand to be around people.  Says he is lonely. Says the neighbors are watching him and his cell phone is tapped.  He has no social worker and no medical insurance. 

He blames me for being alcoholic and BPD. Family history of both as well as dysfunctional family issues.  Says I did not do enough to help him so he ended up in prison for felony DUI.  I told him I tried as hard as I could... .  he was the obstacle... attending alcohol treatment 3 times, being hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation, refusing treatment for mental issues, etc, etc, etc.  Had to call the police twice to have him evaluated for suicidal ideation.  Bluffed his way out of both incidents.  I am the crazy one.  Tried family counselling... .  alcoholic husband walked out.  HE was not the problem.  Son says he grew up in a family of women after the divorce.  No male model... .  also my fault.  Dad exited and had little contact with the family.  That was my fault as well.  Says there was little communication with him.  I tried ... .  only to be told to F... .  off and leave him alone.  Tried over and over and over to get him help.  Very angry at me and the family for letting him down BUT he refused to participate in holidays, family gatherings, and did not communicate with anyone.  He says he has never connected with family except for me.  Had significant therapy in prison for alcoholism and BPD.  I have been around to help when he needs something but I do not force interaction.  He calls me or stops over.  I am trying to respect his need to take care of himself but have had to help financially for the past 2 1/2 years because of employment issues.  Refuses any kind of aid like food stamps.  Feels most jobs are beneath him and gets bored after a few days.

He is now NC with me due to an issue he is having with his sister who was named Personal rep to his father's will.  He is certain she is cheating him and calls her a selfish btch.  Says he knew his dad better than anyone... .  despite years of estrangement between the two.  I do think they had a special male-to-male bond.  I am pretty certain his dad was also BPD as well as alcoholic.

I worry about him but have come to realize we have discussed the past and family issues ad nauseum.  He is going to believe what he wants. I have told him to let it go... .  live for the future not the past.   I go from being and angel to being Satan incarnate for helping when asked.  He says he never wants to talk to or see me again, and then calls me constantly and shows up at my door.  Oh, and he informed me two days ago that he is NOT BPD and I would know that if I really loved him.  I have attended several courses for family of BPD members, and found them to be very helpful in dealing with him, but this website has been my best resource yet.  No one understands what we are dealing with more than we do.

I realize I am all he has.  BUT he needs the space to be independent and I have tried to do this.  I also understand the stress of my exh's death in November and looking for work, has kicked his paranoia, anxiety, and low self-esteem into high gear.  When asked what I can do to help him, all I get is "nothing... .  just leave me alone"... .  "All of this is your fault".  Then he talks about moving far, far away to start a new life without his dysfunctional family... .  which is making him sick ?

Any suggestions?  We have been here before and tomorrow is a new day, but currently I am so frustrated.  Thanks for letting me vent... .  again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Mamamia,

So sorry to hear all this... .  round and round and nothing changes... .  

Have you had any success breaking the cycle... .  even temporarily with validation?

[vivekananda]

Hi mama mia,

You sound a bit frustrated eh? Understandable.

Lbj says validation? I think so too.

I also think you seem to be taking on some sense of responsibility for where he is at and I think that is not helpful for either of you. Yes, I believe he needs your support (not enablement), but it is not up to you to be responsible for him - and I think that his responses to you pull on your heart strings, as he tries to avoid responsibility for his behaviours and actions.

So, my suggestion would be to just focus on trying to improve your relationship with him. This means to stop trying to make things right for him and for anyone else. This means primarily using validation and listening to him and his feelings/emotions. It means allowing him to make the decisions he wants to make and accept the consequences for them. It seems to me his emotions are what are real to him and he is busy trying to rationalise the world to fit his emotions. You don't need to accept his decisions, but it is essential that you accept his emotions and validate for him, who he is. It means that you are powerless to control his life, but that you can be there for him, stand by him - it doesn't mean endorsing what is against your values though. It means accepting him.

To be able to do this, it is important that you work on making yourself personally strong. Know your values and live by them, don't allow your own self to be swayed by the needs or imperatives of others. Be sure of who you are, your integrity and work on accepting what you can't change.

I hope this makes sense.

cheers,

Vivek    

[MammaMia]

Yes, it does make sense.  I understand what you are saying.  I validate, validate and then validate some more.  It is a never-ending process.

Everything was going well yesterday until my son's neighbor's dog started barking and did so for over 30 min. There were major issues with this dog all last summer, and he immediately assumed the worst... .  nothing would change this year, the dog will bark constantly (drives everyone nuts) and he will have to move to save his sanity.  We discussed the fact that this is very bothersome to him and the neighborhood, but since it has not happened in months and months, this may have been an isolated incident.  If it continues, it will need to be addressed again, and moving might be an option.  Last summer we had to involve the sheriff, the township board, and all the neighbors who have also complained about this dog.  He barks for hours on end - his irresponsible owner ruined the summer for many people and created neighborhood discord.   That was the catalyst.

Then, since he was already angry, he changed the projection of his anger from the dog to our family... .  me in particular.

As I said, we have had this discussion about the past at least 50 times (his father's death in November caused it to resurface). 

I do assure him that I love him and support him.  That he is a wonderful and worthwhile person, because he is.  I realize he is emotionally fragile and try to respect that without being patronizing.  I often just listen to what he has to say.  If he asks for suggestions, and I do not confirm exactly what he believes, he will say "See... .  you did not hear a word I just said, did you?".  Time to reassure him I heard EVERY word.

We have good days and bad days... .  yesterday was a bad day:  One of those days when everything upset him and there were no right answers.  I should have stopped answering the phone... .  except that really freaks him out.   Hopefully, this too shall pass... .   

[vivekananda]

Isn't it sad. We try so hard to give our children everything so they will have a better life than we did, and it goes belly up.

Stay strong, keep on posting ... .  and get rid of the dog? better still, get rid of the neighbour eh? 

Vivek    

[Eclaire5]

When my dd19 gets difficult and begins the blaming game I just listen but no longer try to reason with her because I know it is near impossible. It’s very challenging, because sometime she can touch some very hot buttons, but I try to keep my cool as much as I can. Now it works most of the time (I guess practice helps), but there are some days in which she still gets the worst out of me and her ranting turns into an argument because I make the mistake to react emotionally to what she says. Try not to buy into his blaming. I am sure that like most of us, you tried your best as a mother, and once he turned into an adult it was his responsibility to change things in his life, not yours. For what you said, it appears that he got his father’s genes, and probably a lot of his behaviors are caused by his “inheritance”, so don’t allow yourself to believe his accusations.

[Kate4queen]

I can't listen to that endless cycle of blame anymore. It gets us nowhere, you can never win and all that happens is you get forced into defending yourself, and escalating the conflict, which is what my BPD son thrives on. then when you're reduced to a screaming wreck he feels better about himself and moves on over your body, wondering why you can't get over yourself and give him what he wants next.

Last time my son tried to air his 'list of grievances' we asked him firmly and courteously to stop and focus on the issue in hand. When he refused, I stood up, got his car keys and handed them to him and asked him to leave my house.

I had to threaten him with calling the police when he stood nose to nose with me on the doorstep still telling me what an awful parent and person I was. I can't do it anymore. I'm detaching and protecting myself in a calm way, with love and by that I mean love for both sides of the equation and no more anger and guilt. He thrives on those emotions in an unhealthy way.

So can you state what you are prepared to discuss and stick to it? Calmly refuse to discuss old grievances, show him out, put the phone down, delete his emails? (Not easy I know) You can't change his perception of the injuries done to him, but you can change the way you respond to them.

[vivekananda]

You can't change his perception of the injuries done to him, but you can change the way you respond to them.

beautifully explained Kate. Values based boundaries are an essential tool.

When my dd19 gets difficult and begins the blaming game I just listen but no longer try to reason with her because I know it is near impossible. It’s very challenging, because sometime she can touch some very hot buttons, but I try to keep my cool as much as I can. Now it works most of the time (I guess practice helps), but there are some days in which she still gets the worst out of me and her ranting turns into an argument because I make the mistake to react emotionally to what she says. Try not to buy into his blaming.

are you practising validation of his feelings Eclaire? It sounds like it... .  


Our two key tools to rebuilding a relationship with our kids: values based boundaries and validation... .  thank goodness for them 

Vivek    

[Speedracer]

My mom is BPD & I have watched her for over 40 years, blaming my grandmother for all of her problems to whoever will listen, regardless of the good things that have happened in her life. My mother's misery she says is from her upbringing. My grandmother, now 85, was my best friend throughout my entire life. She is a very good woman who I believe did the very best she could raising my mother. It pains me that my grandmother has had to hear her complaints over & over. My grandmother has taught me well. She's made her own life apart from my mother and she finds much joy elsewhere. They still have a relationship & fight a lot, but my grandmother has found her peace.

And the cycle continues, with my dd 16. I am like my grandmother and she is like my mother.

So MamaMia, find your peace. Don't rethink your past. You did your very best. Your son has free will, he made his choices & has to own them. Blaming won't help him move on. The suggestions posted before me I hope are helpful skills for you going forward.

Yesterday on Dr. Phil I watched children sent to RTC claiming abuse & blaming their parents for sending them & trying to get them help. Things can turn negative no matter what we attempt to do.

Hope your days with him get better, stay strong!

[MammaMia]

Thanks everyone for your input.

I have told my BPD son that dwelling on issues from the past (real or imagined... .  I do not tell him that)  is not healthy or positive.  It serves no real purpose unless they are pleasant memories.  When he does rant, I have learned to just let him.  He seems to feel better after venting, and I do not think he really expects me to answer.  When we do actually have two-sided conversations, I try to keep them positive and meaningful.  BPDs HATE too much detail or things they find irrelevant to that specific conversation.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Another thing I have learned to live with is that when he is done telling me off... .  he hangs up on me. I think it is his was of stressing what he has said as well as not giving me a chance to respond.   His rants always come by phone... .  never in person.

One day, out of sheer frustration (probably the 10th call that day about the same issue), I calmly asked him who he was going to blame for everything when I die... .  all I heard was a gasp on the other end of the phone.  He had no answer... .  and yes, he hung up on me.  I believe that was one of the few times he has called me back and "almost" apologized for taking his frustrations out on me.

One day at a time... .  

[vivekananda]

yep, one day at a time.

Keep in touch and let us know how it goes, ok?

strength to you,

Vivek    

ps: mindfulness is another way of saying 'presence' we all need to practise mindfulness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Speedracer]

Think about a healthy boundary of limiting the number of times per day you will accept his call. Setting this boundary for YOURSELF, because healthy boundaries are about YOU, & could improve the quality of his calls & limit the quantity. Think of the right way to verbally set the  boundary & stick with it. Keep busy & don't answer the phone outside the limits you clearly set.

Sessions that teach families about loving someone with an addiction are very helpful & apply to BPD behavior.

Take care of yourself. You deserve a break!   

[MammaMia]

Ds38 called me... .  several times a few days ago because he is currently looking for work.  We had had a good conversation, although he did all the talking, and I mostly listened.  Seeking employment is stressful to him because he has difficulty finding and keeping a job, and he prefers to work alone.  

He called me back a few minutes later to say our "conversation" just confused him, and he needs some quiet time to sort through his options, so he would not be calling or seeing me for a while. He does better when he is alone so he can focus.  He said he will be fine and I should not worry about him, and that he spends too much time making sure I am ok.  I found that very interesting... .  I guess many of his calls to me were to check on me.  I thought he was calling to vent... .   Maybe they are both?

I told him I understood his need to be alone to look for work, and that I am a big girl and he should not worry about me. I will be here, if he needs me.

I think we both need a break from each other.  Fingers crossed.

[vivekananda]

That sounds good MammaMia,

I expect you are feeling a bit of relief.

Maybe you should say, I need a call once a week though, (Monday is a good day) just to know you are ok... .  ? Then you can assume everything is ok, unless otherwise advised... .  

cheers,

Vivek    

[peaceplease]

Mammamia,

Wow!  It sounds like we have the same son.  There are many similarities.  My ds is 31.  And, I always thought that he seemed more NPD.  Actually, I came to this site a few years ago because of my uBPDd, age 28.  I believed that my ds seems more like my exhusband, and I believe that he seems more NPD.  However, when I was in therapy a few years ago, T told me that BPD manifests differently between genders.  My dd was always so clingy and squealed the most.  Focused more on her. She was quite histrionic.  My ds always kept things to himself.  It wasn't until recently,(last year or so) that I suspected that my ds was NPD.  Funny, thing is that he admitted to me, that he thinks he may be, too.

Was your diagnosed BPD?  My ds was never really in t, except when he was a teenager.  He was taking zolfot and adhd med.  That wasn't until he was 17 going on 18.  My ds blames me and others for his problems.  But, I heard the "no male" in the house, too.  He says that my exhusband is crazy and so is the whole side of his family.(but, true!)  He blames me for choosing him and having children.  He is right, there.  I tell him that I had issues that I have outgrown. I was immature and grew up when I became a mother. I apologize for his "inheritance".

My ds blames everyone else for everything that is wrong in his life.  ie.  He had a scholarship notification that he never knew about.  He was to sign the paper that came in the mail.  He never saw it, and blamed everyone else for it.  He blamed my dd for cleaning and moving it.  He blamed my dh.  The fact is that he had plenty of mail from the university that was unopened.  So, if it was misplaced and never opened it was his fault.  But, he blames others for the fact, that he is not a college professor as he set out to be. 

There was a mix up and his financial aid was delayed.  And, he spent all of his time, missed classes trying to get his aid.  That lead him to failing.  He withdrew from school. He could not get his transcripts unless he paid the school $2000.  So, he just blamed everyone else and gave up on school.  His dad and I were blamed for not paying for his education.  I told him that if I had a do over, I would have paid for school.  I had to pay for my own education, so I never thought about saving for my kids education.  I went to airline school right out of high school.  I never got a job in the field, but I still had to pay for my diploma.  Then, I returned to school when I was 34.

My ds was always picky about his jobs, too.(not that he could afford to be)  Many jobs were beneath him, too.

My ds is always criticizing someone everytime he is here.  I have even tried telling him that for every negative he had to tell me something positive.  He doesn't see it, but he is like my ex in so many ways.  And, I am not the only one to say that.

My suspicions of my ds being an IV drug user were confirmed, last week.  My ex was an IV drug user, too.  In fact, he had liver cancer.  Had hep. C from sharing needles.  My dd told me that my ds was a heroin addict.   And, I fear that he is going to die from an OD.  Being an addict is one thing, but when they shoot up there is such a high risk to accidentlly overdose.

A couple months ago, my ds was ranting about his paternal gma, and how he hated her.  Now, she is terminal and he feels a lot of guilt about that.  He says that he turned back to drugs after she got sick.  However, I think that is when he started shooting up

And, my ds only calls when he wants something, or to rant about someone.

I try to validate when I can.  He does thank me when I do.

I know what you mean about good days and bad days.  And, I totally get the projection!  And, I am sorry, I just realized that I hijacked your thread.

It is good to set boundaries on the phone calls.  I set time limits on my ds calls.  I told him that I would not take any cals after 9 pm.

I hope you can enjoy some peace.   

peaceplease

[Esperança_Hope]

Hi, Mammamia and everybody... .  i miss you all

Mammamia, my DS32 is like yours. The same behaviour etc. My DS32 goes to idealization to devaluation in a couple of minutes. When he starts to blame me because his  fails i listen a little until it begins to hurt me. I told him he can´t verbal abuse me. So, i have my limit... .  and when he goes beyond it i just leave for a walk, for a snap... .  anything that takes me out of his abusing presence.  When he is verbal abusing me i just can´t validate. I prefer to be silent and way .

It is tough.Keep posting. You are not alone. I love this site... .  and people here are sage and have good advices. Love... i miss you all.   Esperança

[MammaMia]

Peace please and Esperanca_Hope

Thank you for your kind words.  Yes... .  we are all in the same boat.  Some days we all have our breaking point and all we can do is walk away.  When he rants, I too stop responding and just listen. That also makes him angry. My dBPDs does not live with me... .  thank God, but the phone has become a weapon.  If he is not able to reach me, he panics. 

After a long discussion about work options the other day, he announced he needed time to sort through things so he is now NC.  It is good and it is bad. Quiet and disconcerting at the same time.

If your sons are like mine, they are highly intelligent and skilled in so many ways, but they live in a world of self-doubt, confusion, paranoia, and anger.  I try to give him space, after all, he is an adult and does not need to be "Mommied" ... .  which only adds to his sense of failure.  He calls if he has a problem.

I am praying he finds work.  He was exploring work-at-home options, etc.  He never keeps a job because people annoy him because they are all total morons.  His favorite word.  This illness is so bizarre and cruel.  I HATE it, but it is what it is.

Well, my friends, it is another day here in frigid Minnesota.  Winter just makes everything more difficult.  Hang in there and remember, we are all doing the best we can given the circumstances, and it is wonderful to know we are not alone.  Thanks so much.  Take care of yourselves.

PS  Peace please... I am so sorry to hear you are now also dealing with drug addiction and the fear that goes with it.  Stay strong.  You are all in my prayers.

[Kate4queen]

With my son (21) too there is always a reason why nothing is his fault or his responsibility. He is very high functioning and much admired/loved. he manufactures excuses and lies out of nothing and sometimes for nothing just because he can.

I learned after a while that when he was spinning an 'amusing story' about one of his friends using a particular kind of drug or failing or whatever, that he was usually talking about himself in some way. Sad that he lives in this world of paranoia and self doubt and kicks in the teeth the people who love him.

At the moment, he's moved out and is just taking our money.

I'm okay about that, but I have to wonder who he's going to start blaming for everything when we're not around to offer him a target. such a waste of a talented smart funny individual.

[MammaMia]

Kate4Queeen

I hear you!  It is undeniable that all of our young men with BPD have exactly the same symptoms.

I hate the circular arguments/conversations where you have no idea what they are trying to say, because the topic goes round and round, back and forth and up and down.  I have learned that I can NEVER agree to what my son says the first time he makes a decision because it will change 5 times before he actually takes a stand.  The only given is that whatever the problem, it will be someone else's fault - usually mine.  Sadly, they twist our well-meaning words and actions into bizarre configurations only they can understand.  And the rages... .  cannot forget the rages, mostly over perceived or insignificant issues.   

BPD is devastating to families and relationships.  Anyone who loves someone with it will suffer.  Such a cruel, self-destructive, lonely illness.  Yet to the casual acquaintance, the person with BPD often appears, bright, charming, and "normal"... .  whatever that is.   

This space is a wonderful place to vent.  We can only take so much before imploding and there is safety and comfort here. Unfortunately, we have plenty of company.  I just read there are  approximately 1.4 million people with BPD in the US alone.  Such a tragedy.

[Kate4queen]

Mamma Mia

Totally.

My son would never stop arguing and we'd just go round and round. When he moved out and still came round expecting to spout of his list of grievances for the first time in my life I was able to say, "We know all that, let's concentrate on the matter in hand" and when he couldn't stop blaming us for everything I went and got his car keys and asked him to leave. When he got in my face because he hadn't been able to complete his agenda I told him I'd call the police.

I felt much better about myself after that, but still sad that it has come to this.

[MammaMia]

Kate4Queen

Been there, done that.  Heartbreaking.  One of the worst parts about BPD is that we cannot know for certain which threats are part of raging or whether they will actually do us harm.  My son threatened to snap my neck or slit my throat while I was asleep, after which he would kill himself.  He then punched a hole in my kitchen wall and smashed the windshield of my car.  He insisted I call the police which I did.  I wanted him hospitalized... .  they charged him with domestic assault and terroristic threats and put him in jail.  Idiots. This happened before he was diagnosed with BPD.  He had been drinking, wanted a ride home, and he could not reach me by phone.  Boom!

While I was terrified, my primary concern was to keep him from harming himself or doing something he would regret the rest of his life.  I knew he was sick and he refused treatment.  This was the beginning of a long journey on the road to diagnosis and treatment.

The moral of the story is... .  BPD is violent and unpredictable.  When in doubt, call for help.  Never feel bad when it comes to your safety.  Do what you have to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

My exhusband would tell me that he would slit my throat while I was sleeping, too.  Also, he would tell me that I would wake up dead.  That was many years ago, before I heard of BPD.

I am sorry that you experienced violent behavior with your ds.  When was he diagnosed?

[MammaMia]

He was diagnosed 4+ years ago while incarcerated.  He could not walk away.  He went through a year of intense therapy and another year after he was released.  Various medications only made him worse. He has a good understand of his illness now... .  not that he can control it 100% of the time.  I believe his BPD has actually worsened over the years, or maybe he is just more vocal about what he is feeling and thinking. In any event, he copes better, and I have learned so much through NAMI and this website. 

Yup... .  my exh used to threaten me too.  He was alcoholic, had ptsd, and I am certain (knowing what I know now) he was udBPD.  He terrorized me and our children... .  thank God we got out.

That was 27 years ago.  We were married 20 years.   He died November 7, 2012, at 65 from liver cancer caused by alcoholism.  We forgive and forget, but the scars will last forever.

[Kate4queen]

MammaMia

I just want to offer you a big cyber hug.

At 16 my son threatened to cut himself, threatened me with the same knife and bit and punched his older brother when he tried to intervene. Then he called the police on us... .  When they came and didn't share his viewpoint, he told the female officer that he didn't want to talk to her anymore because she was too angry and tried to talk to her male partner... .  she didn't take that very well and ended up committing him to the local county health institution overnight. It scared the ~ out of him.Which is why I think she did it.

I can laugh about it now because-really? who does that? but it was the beginning of the end for us -and for him wanting to be at home. Now at 21 all he wants is our money. And I'm okay with that at present.

[Speedracer]

Cannot help but think of a topic my therapist brought up this week - GRANDSTANDING.

She sees a lot of BPDs in her practice for children and teens. She used to see my dd until dd "fired" her. BPDs are famous for firing their mental health providers. Now I see this therapist myself for my sanity and she communicates w dd's DBT therapist.

She says they are always "Grandstanding'" She says it with such drama and gives me examples! We laugh. We have to find some humor or we will go nuts.

Then I leave thinking of ways to recognize Grandstanding for what it is and not get sucked into it. They are all about drama for sure, and I say this will all respect - this is who they are!

[MammaMia]

Speedracer... .  

Grandstanding is very interesting.  My son says he HATES drama.  Cannot stand to be around people who are dramatic or

exaggerate, as it throws him into an emotional fit.  If get too excited or enthusiastic about something we are discussing, he just hangs up on me or leaves.  Maybe female BPDs react differently?  Interesting question for your therapist.

It is great that your therapist and your dd's current therapist communicate.  That has to be very helpful to both of them and make interaction with you and your dd easier.  One would hope so.

Does grandstanding include scaring the crap out of us just for fun?  That I can relate to.

[Kate4queen]

Cannot help but think of a topic my therapist brought up this week - GRANDSTANDING.

She sees a lot of BPDs in her practice for children and teens. She used to see my dd until dd "fired" her. BPDs are famous for firing their mental health providers. Now I see this therapist myself for my sanity and she communicates w dd's DBT therapist.

She says they are always "Grandstanding'" She says it with such drama and gives me examples! We laugh. We have to find some humor or we will go nuts.

Then I leave thinking of ways to recognize Grandstanding for what it is and not get sucked into it. They are all about drama for sure, and I say this will all respect - this is who they are!

Totally!

My son loved the dramatic gesture or exit-only last time, we didn't beg him to come back. I think he's still in shock about that 3 months later and still not allowed back in our house.

[Speedracer]

Yes Grandstanding is often absolutely about scaring the crap out of us just for fun! It's like a kid w ADHD who is bored & needs to stir things up for more excitement & stimulation. I've heard of BPD symptoms being likened or grouped as "limbic ADHD" (Dr Amen) my therapist says when she has a BPD in therapy w family members, the BPD often waits until the end of the session to "drop a bomb" & leave everyone in utter shock & dismay. Can you relate? I can!