No contact again?

[Parents! Get help here!]

On Xmas day, dd was at dh's family lunch. We were able to speak cordially with each other. She deliberately sat at my table so we could. I wonder if she has given up smoking? That seemed a good sign.

So after a few weeks wonderful holidays at the beach, I text dd32 and say, how about coffee? No reply.

I wait 24 hrs then text again. ' When you don't reply to my text, I feel worried. Please reply to my text.' No reply.

It's her grandmother's 103rd birthday this coming Sunday. Will she come? When I arranged a lunch for mum, me and her, two years ago, she didn't turn up, I had to ring her after she was late... .   nup, not coming. Last year she was in full melt down at this time. But now she is better - no she still won't come.

So, what do I think? I think that if she was dead, I would probably know by now. If she has been murdered and dumped somewhere, of course I wouldn't know. If she was in hospital, I probably wouldn't know. Does anyone know where she is? Not that I know.

Should I be worried. I don't know. Should I care? I don't know. What should I do? I don't know.

viv

[vivekananda]

On Xmas day, dd was at dh's family lunch. We were able to speak cordially with each other. She deliberately sat at my table so we could. I wonder if she has given up smoking? That seemed a good sign.

So after a few weeks wonderful holidays at the beach, I text dd32 and say, how about coffee? No reply.

I wait 24 hrs then text again. ' When you don't reply to my text, I feel worried. Please reply to my text.' No reply.

It's her grandmother's 103rd birthday this coming Sunday. Will she come? When I arranged a lunch for mum, me and her, two years ago, she didn't turn up, I had to ring her after she was late... .   nup, not coming. Last year she was in full melt down at this time. But now she is better - no she still won't come.

So, what do I think? I think that if she was dead, I would probably know by now. If she has been murdered and dumped somewhere, of course I wouldn't know. If she was in hospital, I probably wouldn't know. Does anyone know where she is? Not that I know.

Should I be worried. I don't know. Should I care? I don't know. What should I do? I don't know.

viv

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LearningToAccept]

Oh Viv I have had those same thoughts... .  so many times.

I don't know how many times I have panicked while waiting to hear from my own dd whenever a call from an unknown number came through,  thinking it could be the cops, a hospital or even the morgue. I have had dreams where I am at the morgue identifying my dd's body.

I know these are terrible moments for you. The not knowing is the worst but this too shall pass. I am sending thoughts of hope and strength your way. Please let us know as soon as you hear that she is ok.

Learning 

[griz]

Viv

I wish I had more words od comfort for you. I can't imagine how hard not knowing is but I will be thinking of you and praying for you

Griz

[cfh]

Viv

So sorry for what you are going through because the waiting, the unknown, the fear is so terrible.

Stay strong and stay busy while you wait for ds to contact you.

 

[llbee814]

Viv... .  

     Can dh text dd with "worry" that your phone is not sending messages properly?  Ask her if she ever received messages from you recently, blah, blah, blah?  Could give dd the out she needs of not having answered you right away, due to panic attack, indecision... .  who knows, maybe texts didn't go thru... .  it happens.  Just an idea.  L.

Ps... .  hubby should say straight off mom's phone is acting wonky... .  

[vivekananda]

thnx all.

I suppose this is not unusual for her. I had just hoped that since we had started to reconnect just before Xmas, that it may have been different this time. In the past she has used the excuse that her phone is not working, been disconnected etc, no need to give her an out, she knows them all and uses them.

I am thinking there is no room in her life for her parents. She has become accustomed to the idea that she can come and go as she pleases and doesn't give a thought to us. While I believe this is not good for her, I think she wants it that way. So, maybe I should stop trying to connect. The only time she has made contact is if she has wanted money or somesuch.

She once told me she gets 70 texts a day, so she just deletes them. It's the 'rave' music scene here (summer) so she may be busy wheeling and dealing in the 'rave' scene. She has to be making money somehow, so maybe she is being entrepreneurial in the scene.

Now I need to sooth my hurt and regain my life without dd in it, I suppose. I need to prepare myself to respond without bitterness when she does decide to make some contact. That's is the hard thing because I just want to turn my back on her at the moment so she knows how it feels to be rejected. A good person lets go of spite. An intelligent person soothes their own ego and meets their own emotional needs. I aim to be good and intelligent. I suppose I will lick my wounds, get up and move on. I have a life to live. Sometimes life sux that's all.

Vivek    

[cfh]

viv

Yes you will lick your wounds and move on, you'll soothe your ego and meet your emotional needs.  But there is no timetable for when things stop hurting.  Be kind to yourself because you ARE hurt and wounded. 

Give yourself some time... .  you are only human.

[vivekananda]

well. This time I tried ringing. It rang to message bank and I said, please contact me I am worried.

Almost immediately a reply. 'Hi sorry i've bn busy lately n haven't had time to talk w u etc' A few texts later and we're on for Thurs 31st at 3pm.

I think I will raise the non response thing. See how it goes. Will also think about what she thinks we can do to improve the relationship... .  did that in the letter, but perhaps it needs to be addressed. May be there's a chance to talk about the concept of frequent contact... .  

any thoughts?

Vivek    

ps still don't know how I am feeling - rather flat I think. Yes I love her but it's sort of abstract.

[frustratedmom]

Viv -

I so empathize. My dd19 and I don't really have much real communication when we do text, she says "I just upset her". That would be because I won't pay for her weed, her lifestyle her life. So I'm on the naughty list !  She will go n/c for days or weeks.

Then out of the blue I will get a text, like a few days ago:

"FYI the computer you bought me is broken."

That's it. Lovely, huh? No responses to anything else.

However thinking back to my mother, we were all very independent and elsewhere, and she seemed to like it like that... .  or did she?  She had no choice. We would weave in and out of her life, never staying long, or talking long... .  but we were not BPD. I remember thinking that she was irritating to talk to on the phone, because she always wanted to talk about my siblings and what they were doing... .  and then I found out that my brothers had the same experience .

So pwBPD's arent so different are they in this regard... .  some are more independent than others, some are around more... .  but it's the quality isn't it. Just like friends who can pick up wherever they left off... .  that's what we were like. And we would laugh and laugh... .  how I miss her. She's been gone for 25 years this December, and she never knew my kids.

I know I will probably never have that kind of relationship with my dd, because it starts with respect and ends with compassion, neither of which she has... .  but I do, so I model it whenever I can to her and hopefully to others.

Well except the dog owner who lets his dog loose on the playground... .  we must have some standards to live by !

Get busy with some friends you can relate to and vice versa - they all need you! Like us!

 

FM

[mary290]

Viv, I so feel your pain.  I am in the same boat too with my dd22.  Well actually she is out of my life now for who knows how long.  It is so hard to want to have a normal mother/daughter relationship with someone who doesn't really seem to care at all.  Mine has always been about friends.  She has tons and tons of friends but keeps in touch with NO ONE in the family.  All her grandparents are deceased but I have 3 sisters and dh has 2 sisters and there are lots of cousins and my dd is simply not interested in any of us.  Not to mention my other 2 kids, her siblings.  You think she would at least call them or something just to say hi but no.  Very frustrating.

[vivekananda]

I so understand what that lack of contact is ... .  dd and I used to be so close, almost intuitive - funny how I couldn't understand what was going on in her head - but then I didn't understand what was going on in mine either. I think I am only now growing up. I think I spent most of my life struggling against 'the world' - I knew I was a good person, strong integrity, good values etc, but when I had difficulties I always looked outside of myself for responsibility. Oh, if I hurt someone with a sharp word, I could accept that I had done wrong and make up or whatever, but, eg when I was unhappy at work, I couldn't see where I had gone wrong - I couldn't see things clearly. I feel I was blundering through life, like so many people I see now doing the same thing.

Now I feel I am getting a proper grip of who I am and can see things much better thanks to here, the books etc. I also believe that dd is working at trying to get better. The T she saw has obviously made a difference to her (I think... .  ) From the little contact we have had so far (2 x coffee chats for an hour each, the last texts) I think she wants to repair our relationship. But I don't think knows what is involved in a relationship... .  what does she want out of it and therefore what does she need to do. I think she feels the imperative of other's expectations and her own self imposed expectations based on what she thinks she 'should' do. I expect she is still depressed, highly anxious and of course BPD and that interferes with her capacity to live day to day.

I think after the sorry letter in Oct, the 2 coffee chats, that she wants contact now (after 10mths of nothing). So my priority, as it has been since this time last year, is to try to rebuild a relationship with her. Hence my total commitment to validation of her feelings, total acceptance of what is, and lack of expectation upon her... .  this is not about me, but about her and hopefully a relationship with her.

Once when I asked her what her most important value was, she said 'family'. Well aside from the fact that is not a value, she, like your girls, does little to nothing to stay in contact with family, esp dh's lot of 30 or so. She has no capacity to see beyond the end of her own nose. Which is what I would have been like if I had BPD when for all those years I didn't recognise or understand my responsibility to the world.

Do you get it? What she is is the same as I was, except she has BPD to make it worse. Here I am, 60 and finally growing up. There she is, 32 with BPD and not seeing just as I didn't/couldn't. But trying so valiantly to see. Furthermore she, just as I didn't, doesn't see the effect of her behaviour on others and can't afford to either I expect.

Thank you for reaching out to me,

Vivek

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders