The calm before the storm

[Jai Yen]

I continue to move forward with the divorce process. My uBPDstbxw is living and working in her home country. The last time she was back in September was horrible. She discovered my desire to divorce when she hacked into my gmail account. In 3 weeks I endured 5 all night rages which included her threatening herself and me. She bit my arm during on of these "sections". After she returned to her home country I needed to move forward with the divorce. I read Splitting, called Randi Kreger, continue to work with a T, joined this forum, secured an L versed in DPs, and continue to get appraisals on real estate we own, work with my accountant etc. In December after some very unpleasant contact with stbx I proposed to her that we get a divorce (both verbally and by email). At first she seemed open to it. That didn't last long. Soon she was waffling back and forth. Since about December 17 I have CC with her mostly by email. I told her my T told me that we trigger bad feelings in each other so it is best that we keep our communication nonemotional. My L told me that we really need to get her to come back to serve her so I lightened up on beating the divorce drum and told stbx that when she's back in February that we need to see a T together to work on our communication skills. Stbx agreed I'm guessing because she really thinks she can "save" our marriage and regain her control. Both my kids are on board with the divorce and understand clearly that it is for the best. I've done everything that's been recommended. My L is in the process of getting an order of protection in place to protect the kids and me from her while she's back. So when she arrives at the airport in early February she will get off the plane and be greeted by a process server who will give her the divorce papers and the restraining order. How she behaves after this is anybodies guess. I, of course, understand intellectually that I can not be responsible for her reaction but I'm still struggling with it. This will be the coldest thing I've ever done to another human being. I'm a very peaceful person so it goes against my philosophy of life but I keep reminding myself that some of things she's done to me and our kids surpasses this event by a long shot. There is no turning back and some FOG must be expected - after all she is the mother of my kids. Even with this current level of uncertainty and worry I look forward to the future and I know that I am doing the right thing.

[Matt]

You are protecting yourself and your kids from someone who has been hostile and even violent.

You are following the legal process to bring resolution so everyone can move forward.

It is a "cold" process, and she may be hurt by being served at the airport.  Unfortunately this is how the process works, and what you need to do.  There is no easier way to get this done, partly because she has chosen to live in a different country and leave the kids with you.

Try not to beat yourself up because there's no perfect solution.  Just keep making the best choices you can, and follow through on your decisions.

A moment of weakness can make things much more complicated!

[Jai Yen]

Matt, thanks for the response. I will stay strong. I'm way past the point of no return. There really is no other safe option than the way I'm proceeding. At this point just posting my thoughts on this forum is a form of catharsis.

Also, almost daily I read other posts to remind me how complicated and trying PDs are for other people too. Right now stbx is playing nice even with very LC. She's busy again with work which seems to help her regulate more. She emailed me her flight reservation so she's coming. I'll keep moving forward with the divorce process day-by-day.

[Matt]

My ex also does better when she is working.  She works at a government office and I think that's a good thing - very orderly, every day is the same, and she knows what is expected of her.

She doesn't do so well in situations where expectations aren't clear, and intimate situations - she gets very super-happy or very upset.  No balance.

So the divorce process was not good for her.  She went nuts a number of times.  I tried to stay away from her - at times I didn't see her or talk to her for several weeks - and that helped.

Now - 4 years after the divorce was final - I almost never see her and rarely talk to her.  From the kids I hear some things, but she has little stress and I think she is doing OK.  If not, I'm not in the line of fire.

I am concerned about you staying involved with your wife through your business, during the divorce process and later.  That adds a lot of complication!

[GaGrl]

I find the continued business relationship concerning also. My DH remains on a pedestal with his ex (The Dark Princess) and she has left her investments with him to manage... .  he's a financial counselor. Fortunately, he has her invested in long term instruments that don't require frequent updates with her, and she is minimally educated and doesn't realize she could wreak havoc with complaints if she knew where to complain. It's just a weird entanglement that she apparently wants/needs to maintain.

[Jai Yen]

I've thought long and hard about the business. I'm ok with walking away from it. This will harm all of us financially but remaining married just for the sake of the business is totally unacceptable. The business is an online English language training curriculum. She and her colleagues use the curriculum at the U she works at. We also have a number of school and corporate clients unrelated to her. Trouble is her sister is my main contact person with those clients and sales agents. Her sister has said that she can not betray stbx. There is a face saving issue at stake. Not sure if stbx can rally and recognize the "rock in a hard place" situation she's in with her employer and colleagues and our clients and agents. The best case scenario would be to continue to operate for a given time period and then make arrangements to transfer the technology to a company in Japan that can operate it. In other words, she'd buy me out. The other alternative is I pull the plug on the server and she deals with the fall out. Tough one. After the restraining order and with her BPD it's hard to imaging she'll snap out of it and make a rational decision. I've made my decision though and I'm sticking to it come he! or high water... .  

[ForeverDad]

If there was a better way, you would have found it by now.  Sadly, you have to do what you have to do.  Yes, follow your instincts to do it as simply and as calmly as possible, but some things just are neither simple nor easy and just need to be done.

[Rose1]

Hi - don't know much about face saving culture but would your sister in law consider it face saving to keep the business going with you on her sister's behalf as she is obviously ill? Does upsetting a Uni and a lot of influential clients out do upsetting her sister? Be interesting to raise I would think. She would actually be helping sister get it together after a difficult divorce. Might work.

[Jai Yen]

Rose, I've thought about that. Her sister understands that it is stbx and not me that causes the drama. Sister's been a target of her ranting and raging at times too. Their mother is also very, very likely an BPD (w/NPD traits).

There was a time when sister threaten to cut off contact with stbx because of stbx's behavior toward me and the kids so it's possible I can work with her for a while.

The timing of all this is really important too. The new school term starts in April (that's when we deliver curriculum installs to our various client schools) so we have a couple of months to "work things out" ... .  or not. If we can't come to some agreement I will have to lay off my 2 member tech team. Tough days ahead... .  

[Matt]

Who owns the business?

[Jai Yen]

Stbx and I 50/50. It's an s-corp.

[Matt]

You may want to consider setting up a separate entity.  In my state an LC can be set up very quickly and cheaply.  Or maybe another S corp.  Set up a new business ready to serve your customers.

In the end, if you move company assets, including customer lists, to a new company, you'll probably have to make a settlement with the old company.  But it may be a way to continue to serve your clients without involving your ex or her sister.  Have your new company's lawyer - not the same person who is your current company's lawyer - work it out.

[Jai Yen]

The trouble is communication. Japanese prefer to deal with Japanese. There is still a large culture and language barrier. I've met most of our agents in person (more as a figurehead) but they rarely communicate with me directly. Too difficult. Also, my stbx's U is one of the top in Japan. Therefore our agents leverage her U and position to make sales. I've looked at other countries ... .  China for example ... .  also Vietnam but these countries have a total disregard for intellectual property and it would cost a small fortune to get a business of this nature off the ground- lots of trips to Asia... .  Setting up an office there, finding partners etc... .  Tough to do. I've even considered providing our curriculum to new immigrates in the US via ESL facilities. They need to learn English. Could work though a long shot.

[Jai Yen]

I know this is beyond the scope of this forum but I'm working on getting the content and learning management system for our curriculum copyrighted in my name only - not the corp. This was recommended to me by my business attorney. This could provide me with additional leverage down the road... .  

[Matt]

What is "U"?

[Jai Yen]

University. Her U is on par with Stanford or MIT. Very high level so since her U is using our curriculum our sales agents have strong proof that our curriculum is great... .  That's our "secret sauce" in terms of sales - it's a very crowded space otherwise (English language training services). Again, that's why I've tried to play nice. Unfortunately, she is not capable to play nice and do this the "right" way.

[Matt]

So... .  just brainstorming about the business aspect... .  maybe you have these options:

* Buy her out.  Give her a consulting contract so she can continue to help and be paid for helping, plus a fixed $ amount for her half of the business.  (Or you could buy part of her share but not all - she would retain minority ownership.)

* Close the company and start a new one.  She could probably sue, demanding part ownership of the new company, or compensation for the intellectual property you are taking to the new company (including customer lists).  You could settle for some $ amount, or make her an offer before she sues.

* Continue as you are.  Make an agreement with her saying how this will work, in detail.  Acknowledge that there will be stress between you, and it may affect other team members.  Figure out a way to make it work despite this stress.

Other options?

[Jai Yen]

Matt, I've considered all of these options. When it is clear we are divorcing and after she comes to terms with that fact I'm hoping her since of self-preservation will kick in. If it does all of this will go much smoother. In the past she's been able to rally and move forward. Unfortunately, this time is pretty extreme. A letter from my attorney after she's served may help. The letter will state my desire to "save" the business and offer options to do so.

[Matt]

I don't think every person with BPD reacts the same way.

If it was my ex, I wouldn't offer options (though I would be open if she did).

I would think through what I thought would work best for everyone, and put it forward, and explain it.

My ex usually reacts better if it's all thought out for her than if she has to choose between options.

[Jai Yen]

My stbx is the same way. If things are very clear and concise she may come around. Also, if the letter outlining options is from an "authority" not from me - that should help... .  Finally, if somehow she understands that the order of protection doesn't make her a criminal that might help too... .  She's been quiet lately. Accepting my LC.

[Matt]

Maybe the order of protection could say, "Both parties will stay away from the other party's home."  Nobody is charging anybody with anything, just asking the court to establish distance.

[ForeverDad]

ANd if contact with the children needs to be addressed, then state the children, as older teens, will determine the level of contact with their non-custodial parent.  (I presume you can trust their decisions?)

[Jai Yen]

Matt - good thought to create the notion that the order of protection benefits both of us. I have to stay away from her and vice versa. I'll discuss this with my L. She may not agree as the order is out on stbx not me. I'll also discuss visits with the kids. Kids will likely see her when she's back next month- not sure though. Depends on how she reacts to the order of protect and divorce papers... .  They don't want to visit her if she's a basket case or drilling them for info about "Why" your father is divorcing me... .  etc... .  

My stbx is friends with the mayor of a small town that has invited our kids to attend an internship program in July for 4 weeks. This town would pay their air tickets, find host families and pay the kids a small stipend. Great opportunity but my daughter said this summer is too soon. She did this last summer for about one week so she's not to disappointed not doing it again. She needs more time for the dust to settle. Smart girl. Son is busy with his sport and working next summer so he's out too.

Anyway, I can go about a year before I'll need to sell assets and make different living arrangements if the business goes under. My L has assured me that once the papers are served there are hard deadlines for discovery  etc that stbx must honor or be in contempt of court. Having not been through the process I'll anxious to see how it goes. Stbx will have a difficult time fighting from her home country. That will hopefully be to my advantage. Also, I'm guessing her mother and sister will convince her that the divorce is for the best long-term and it's best for her to play nice for the kids sake... .  Time will tell.

[Rose1]

thinking here-does the business require much communication? can you hire someone? are your kids fluent and can they be trained to take over from mother? would the uni endorse the product for a fee? would local agents communicate with the us by skype? can you keep the relationship wiith your cliebts if wife tries to badmouth or take the intellectual property and try to sell it? think of other ways and also think your w may do some dirty dealing once this starts

[Matt]

Matt - good thought to create the notion that the order of protection benefits both of us. I have to stay away from her and vice versa. I'll discuss this with my L. She may not agree as the order is out on stbx not me.

If the order is already issued now, no need to change it.

If it might not be issued, then making it go both ways could ensure it will be issued.

[ForeverDad]

While a protection order could be presented as very neutral, non-blaming and benefitting both, if it includes reports or allegations of misbehaviors, then beware that (1) it doesn't in any way make you look bad and (2) it's not really neutral.

Back when I filed for divorce in family court, my ex responded by filing for stalking/harassment protection over in civil court.  She made vague claims, left out her bad behaviors and exaggerated everything else of course.  My lawyer said that she could get her order simply by saying she was "fearful" and no proof required.  Since the risk was up to 5 years, he suggested we make a deal.  So she got her order but (1) it left parenting totally in family court's control, (2) no finding or ruling was made on the merits of her claims, (3) it expired before the end of the year and (4) the order was filed as a certain type that could not be renewed.

[Matt]

While a protection order could be presented as very neutral, non-blaming and benefitting both, if it includes reports or allegations of misbehaviors, then beware that (1) it doesn't in any way make you look bad and (2) it's not really neutral.

Back when I filed for divorce in family court, my ex responded by filing for stalking/harassment protection over in civil court.  She made vague claims, left out her bad behaviors and exaggerated everything else of course.  My lawyer said that she could get her order simply by saying she was "fearful" and no proof required.  Since the risk was up to 5 years, he suggested we make a deal.  So she got her order but (1) it left parenting totally in family court's control, (2) no finding or ruling was made on the merits of her claims, (3) it expired before the end of the year and (4) the order was filed as a certain type that could not be renewed.

Good point - find out exactly how these things work in your state.  You don't want anything on the public record that could make you look bad.

Maybe it's not a "restraining order" or "order of protection".  Maybe it's just an order issued by the family court judge, telling you both to stay away from each others' homes.

[Jai Yen]

I'll find out the details about the order of protection tomorrow during a meeting with my L. I've been doing some "if then" planning. I'm considering having my kids stay with friends for a few days just after she arrives as I'm certain that once she's served she'll freak out. She will likely get a cab and come to our home. If I'm the only one home it'll be easier. I can call the police and they can handle it. My T warned me that she could attempt suicide or actually commit suicide. I'm hoping there's a very remote chance of that. If she is hospitalized then I need to know how to respond as well. If she initiates contact then I'll have to determine how best to proceed. I want to have at least thought through the most likely responses and have a plan in place for each. Could be she simply returns to her home country after a few days. I really hope it ends up being non-eventful and we can get to work on the details. I'm not holding my breath though.

[Jai Yen]

I had a 3 hour meeting with my L today. My case is exceedingly complicated. I need to get stbx served when she's back in my hometown next month. My L and I discussed how to protect our bank accounts and credit cards etc. She also discussed the order of protection - such details as limited visitation with the kids etc... .  

We reviewed the process when she lands at my town's airport and she gets served the divorce papers, order of protection, and letter from my L and me how she'll respond because all of this will be unbeknownst to her beforehand. We considered some of the downside risks - she commits suicide or attempts suicide and ends up disabled etc... .  How damaging that would be to the kids and me. She comes to our house and I have to a call the police. There are more potential dangerous outcomes than these even.

I asked my L one more time to find out how to get her served in her home country. We can file here to gain jurisdiction and have her served over there. That way if/when she freaks out she'll be where she has a support system and be in a better position to either cooperate or not- but a least she wouldn't be here. It would give her a safer place to come to terms with the fact that we are divorcing and to decided if she wants to handle it in a way that advantages her or not.

If my L finds that this is a doable option I would have my L email stbx a letter telling her that the divorce proces has started etc. Then she could decide not to come here right away or come anyway understanding that she could not stay at home or be with me alone... .  Etc... .  This feels better but my L may find that it is too difficult and costly to serve her in her country... .  I should know by tomorrow. If it's too difficult back to the original plan to serve her when she arrives.

[GaGrl]

If you decide to go ahead with serving her at the airport, I agree it's best for ghee kids to be elsewhere for a few days. But can't you have someone at the house with you as a witness? Having her show up at the house could still turn into a he said she said DV situation. The witness could tell her you won't come to the door due yo the OP.