Dilemma with 16 yr. old daughter

[Zeke]

I've been divorced from BPDx for 2 years. I've had a girlfriend for the past year or so, but I've kept it quiet out of fear of how my ex would react. We've been getting along well, kids are doing great, etc... .  and I just don't want to rock the boat, so to speak, by introducing the wildcard of a girlfriend into the equation.

Well this past Friday morning something happened that threatens to change everything. When I awoke at about 9 a.m., I saw that I had received a text from my D16 at 7:15 a.m. It said "Hey Dad, are you awake? I need to get my coat." I'm almost certain that she was at my house when she sent the text as that would have been her usual routine. She has a garage door opener in her car, and I'm sure she opened the garage door, saw a strange vehicle in the garage (my girlfriend's), and then left.

So I sent her a text around 9:30 a.m. saying, "Sorry, I just got your text." She texted back and said "No problem! That's o.k." Anyway, it seems like we've both kind of ignored the elephant in the room and we are pretending that nothing happened. It's troubling me though. I feel like I have breached my D16's trust. We have a very close relationship and I feel like I've shattered her trust. I've invited her to come by my house twice since then to pick up a present that my mom mailed her. She's made excuses both times that she's busy with this or that, promising to come by soon, but she hasn't made it by yet. My plan was to try to talk to her about the situation in person, but as time goes by, I'm realizing I don't know what to tell her anyway. What do you think, should I tell her the truth about my girlfriend, or should I make up a white lie about the strange vehicle in the garage?

S

[DreamGirl]

Tell the truth. Lying doesn't help - especially in matters that she will probably, eventually find out about anyways.

Your daughter is 16 and probably pretty smart. She didn't seem upset to me when she responded to your text. Sixteen year old girls also are busy little creatures.

You say you're afraid to "rock the boat".

What are your fears exactly?

[Dire Wolf]

Zeke

I totally understand. I was worried about rocking the boat as well. I didn't really care about my ex's feelings as much as I was trying to avoid a rage that would impact me as well as the kids.

My dating relationships were kept out of their sight for a number of years. Then I found out that my kids were actually happy for me that I was out having fun. Once I was with someone who I liked enough and felt had a reasonably good shot at dating for awhile, I was ok with the casual introducing to the kids. Nothing formal or staged, but it was nice to not feel like I was sneaking.

My 2 cents only... .  your daughter is old enough to understand that you have, and need, your own social life. And dating is an important part of that life. You have been divorced for 2 years... .  not 2 months... .  to me, it seems quite appropriate.

You might be surprised that your daughter is happy to be able to talk about the elephant in the room. You may not have caused any damage at all up to this point - you were just being courteous to her feelings. Conversely, if you tell a "white lie", as you mention about the car, then you are starting a slippery slope and could disrupt her trust in you. And you probably don't want to be modeling "white lies" to a 16 year old anyway.

My vote is to tell her that you are dating someone you like and ask your daughter if she is inetersted in meeting her simply to say "Hi" at some point.

You may feel a giant weight is lifted.

And yes, your ex will likely go batty and rage. But hopefully you can shrug her reaction off as it being her problem... .  not yours.

Good luck!

Dire Wolf

[Forestaken]

I don't know what you and your kids experienced with you BPDx.  I have a S22 and D19. Divorcing their mom at the moment. 

S22 has encouraged to immediately start dating upon the finalization of the divorce. 

D19 says she is understanding if I do.

The 3 of us are very close. S22 is away at college, D19 is with me at Comm College.

We all were physcially and emotionally abused by my s2tbx.

You'll be surprised at their understanding.

[Zeke]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

Dream Girl, as far as what am I afraid of when I refer to rocking the boat, Dire Wolf layed it out there pretty well. I'm afraid of my BPDx raging, becoming disregulated, and it negatively impacting my children. They are with her half the time.

Anyway, I will not tell a white lie, for the reasons you guys mentioned above. I guess I knew that was the wrong way to go, but it  helps to get validation from others who have been through what I've been through. So thanks for that.

I guess there is a 3rd option though that I forgot to post earlier. I could just not force the issue. I don't get the feeling that my D16 is going to broach the subject with me. Are there negative consequences to just ignoring the incident? Maybe D16 is not freaked out by things at all and she doesn't want to talk about it. If she brings it up, I will of course tell her the truth about my girlfriend. But if she doesn't bring it up, perhaps its best that I don't bring it up either. I don't know. That line of thinking may just be me wanting to maintain the status quo of dating out of the public eye so as to avoid a raging xBPDw.

[Matt]

I'm with the others.  Tell the truth, but keep it simple.

I would also suggest that you not say, ":)on't tell your mom."  Let them decide what to tell their mom.

One aspect is that your girlfriend's car was in your garage early in the morning, which might make your daughter think that your girlfriend spent the night there.  That opens up another issue - what you want your daughter to believe is right and wrong (and wise and unwise) about relationships outside marriage.  Not an easy topic to discuss with a 16-year-old, but maybe now is the time.  It will force you to clarify in your own mind what you want her to understand, about sex, birth control, STDs, emotional attachments, etc. - lots of big stuff!

Find the right time, so you can talk at length with her.

Then do the same with your other kid(s).

[Zeke]

Yes Matt, there is that extramarital sex aspect. What do I tell her, do as I say, not as I do? That doesn't work very well imo. My daughter is pretty religious. She's had the same bf for a couple of years and they have vowed to both wait until marriage to have sex. And I love that she is committed to that.

Now I feel like I have blown it from a role model staNPDoint. Because she has to know that my g/f spent the night since her car was at my house at such an early hour. Im afraid she's now thinking if dad's sleeping with women out of wedlock, then it's ok for me too.

Geez this parenting and dating after divorce stuff gets complicated. Part of me just wants to stay single and avoid these type complications. But that gets kind of lonely and has it's downsides too.

[Justadude]

Dude. I get it. I been single for a year and a half. I have dated casually, meaning I'm not entirely serious about a new relationship, and I have not wanted to rock that same boat you been talking about. It's horrible. I dated this girl casually for about 8 months. My daughter really liked her but I didn't feel it was a right match so it sucked because it's not just me it's sad to see her sad if you know what I mean so I don't bring my dating life around my daughter unless it's serious. The casual thing was not serious, it just kind of happened. If you are really interested in this woman you are dating and want to take that next step, talk to your daughter about it. If not, it's not a big deal. Dad had company. What do you think she expects? Dad to be at home alone? She just wants to know you are there and available for her. She can careless about your personal life. She just wants dad.

[Matt]

Maybe a first step would be to clarify for yourself exactly what you believe.  After all, if you really thought it was wrong, you wouldn't have done it (probably... .  ).

So maybe you can think that through, and decide why what's OK for you - a middle-aged man - isn't right for your daughter, at 16.

For myself, I could clarify it as:

* I am in no danger of getting pregnant.

* I make 100% sure I won't get anybody else pregnant.

* I am emotionally mature enough to handle it - I won't let sex drive me to make bad decisions.

* I take care about STDs.

* I make sure that what I do won't hurt someone else in any way.

For my D16, I would be comfortable telling her, "You are not emotionally ready for that kind of relationship." - even if she is sure she won't get pregnant or an STD.  I know she agrees with me about that and is planning to wait.  I think (though I haven't had this talk with her) that she can see my situation is different from hers in many ways.

Maybe you can clarify your own beliefs - what you believe and why - and have this conversation with your daughter, without sounding like a hypocrite... .  ?

[Dire Wolf]

I really like what Matt said. The concept that the exact same "rules" apply to both you and your daughter is impractical, unrealistic and not right. There is a long list of things that are ok for you as a grown, divorced man vs your 16 year old daughter. Though be prepared for her to argue that point!

Regardless, I think you might be surprised at how much your daughter may pretend that she really does not care about your personal life. Of course it impacts her, but I am all too familiar with that look from my daughter that says "whatever".

I think your idea with the 3rd option may make sense. If she brings up the topic or flat out confronts you, then you tell her the truth. She may not want to tell your ex, but she may be cornered and be forced to tell. That is what had happened to me. The kids didn't want to say anything but my uBPDxw can't let go of anything and is so paranoid that she still grills them on what I am doing. My daughter is pretty good at telling her to stay out but my son buckles under her pressure.

And you know what? It's still worth dating even though the uBPDxw doesn't like it. You come first. Don't compromise how you want to live your life because of her rages. Your daughter will be fine too. Just my 2 cents based on my experiences.

Dire Wolf

[Zeke]

I agree that Matt makes good points. I think I'm going to slow play this thing if I can. Basically choose option number 3. If she confronts me with the issue, I will tell her the truth and discuss with her the excellent points made by Matt.

Dire Wolf, thanks for your input. It burns me that I've let my ex basically dictate my dating life since my divorce, but I have. I know the time is coming soon though that that is going to have to change. I can't keep "sneaking" around forever.

[crystal]

I can't keep "sneaking" around forever.

If she confronts me with the issue, I will tell her the truth and discuss with her the excellent points made by Matt.

I worry about this choice. Dont you want to model openness and honesty and truthful discussions?  If you know she knows and she knows you know, and you dont open the discussion, you are telling her it is secret and this kind of stuff shouldnt be discussed.  I am SURE she has questions but she doesnt know what is ok to ask... .  Yeah, its hard. But I think it is much better to talk with her --and do a lot of listening. Otherwise, SHE will assume that SHE needs to sneak around--and not talk about her relationships--is that what you want?

[Matt]

I can't keep "sneaking" around forever.

If she confronts me with the issue, I will tell her the truth and discuss with her the excellent points made by Matt.

I worry about this choice. Dont you want to model openness and honesty and truthful discussions?  If you know she knows and she knows you know, and you dont open the discussion, you are telling her it is secret and this kind of stuff shouldnt be discussed.  I am SURE she has questions but she doesnt know what is ok to ask... .  Yeah, its hard. But I think it is much better to talk with her --and do a lot of listening. Otherwise, SHE will assume that SHE needs to sneak around--and not talk about her relationships--is that what you want?

This is a good point.  Secrets, and things we know but don't talk about, add to stress, and take away from trust.

If you know she knows, and you know she knows you know she knows, probably best to find the right way to talk about it openly with her.