Reinforcing boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello am new to the site and have been given support re setting boundaries with my 40 year old son

for which I am really grateful and been looking at all the information on the sites. I am 70 and live alone and I know for my own sanity I need to reinforce the boundaries and be firm and will make a renewed effort! How do I cope with the feelings that if I am not there he may not be able to cope and harm himself? I know this must be something that many of you have to deal with and manage!

So your advice would be appreciated! Thankyou

[Silverbirch]

Hello am new to the site and have been given support re setting boundaries with my 40 year old son

for which I am really grateful and been looking at all the information on the sites. I am 70 and live alone and I know for my own sanity I need to reinforce the boundaries and be firm and will make a renewed effort! How do I cope with the feelings that if I am not there he may not be able to cope and harm himself? I know this must be something that many of you have to deal with and manage!

So your advice would be appreciated! Thankyou

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[opheliasmom]

Silverbirch,  I am new here, but have been dealing with my 19 yo dwpd, addictions and mental health issues for five years.  Radical acceptance has been important for me. I have learned to accept that my d may never get better, and may not survive.  I go to Al Anon and I try to talk only with people who have family members with mental health or addiction problems.  Its very frustrating to deal with well meaning but ignorant advice givers.  I have learned to live one moment at a time by trying to focus on the present, and I have learned that self care is extremely important.  For me self care includes exercise, spiritual practice, friends who are supportive and an occasional raunchy novel.  Everyone is different but I have learned to remember I am just as important as my dwBPD and it is ok to feel my feelings and take care of Me.   

[Silverbirch]

 Dear Opheliasmom Thankyou for sharing your wisdom and experience and for your encouragementxx

[vivekananda]

opheliasmom, what wonderful advice put so beautifully.

Silverbirch, we do what we can to prepare for the future and then don't worry about what we can't control - that's wasted energy. Instead, look to being fit and healthy and living longer   take care of yourself   

Cheers,

Vivek  

[Silverbirch]

Dear Vivek , Thankyou, thankyou, for your wise words. I realise how depleted I have alllowed myself to become and am attempting to turn this around.  I am really feeling the support of the site and though still finding my way around it its so good to know I am certainly not alone xx 

[Silverbirch]

Dear Vivek  I also want to thankyou for welcoming me to the site and for sharing your own experience and really appreciated your empathy and warmth. Am only responding now as I have only just worked out how to send a reply! xx 

[lbjnltx]

Good morning Silverbirch,

Welcome to the Supporting a Son or Daughter Board... .  so glad you made it here!

The questions you ask is very important.  Often times the suicidal threats are attempts to keep us from setting boundaries for ourselves as the pwBPD can experience our boundaries as threats to their own needs.  So ... .  it is good to have a plan of action on how to handle threats of this nature so that we can be confident in taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries.

Here is a link to a workshop on how to handle suicidal threats... .  be they real threats or attempts to break our boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Glad to have you here and look forward to traveling with you on this journey.

 

lbj

[Silverbirch]

Dear Ibjnltx, Thankyoux

[Survive2012]

Dear Silverbirch,

I have very little experience, but I think the advice you received from all the posts before mine are very true and useful. I feel close to you as I often feel the same anxiety as you do. Try to relax and find some time for you when you don't think of anything else that enjoy life (a landscape, a song, a radio or tv program).

Have a good evening,

Survive

[Being Mindful]

Hi Silverbirch,   

Glad to see you on the Supporting a Son or Daughter board.

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

Hi Silverbirch,

Good to see you here!

Can I give you some advice?

The best tools for we parents are: values based boundaries and validation. These skills are not always easy to use.

The best book to start with is Valerie Porr's 'Overcoming BPD' (I think)

The best support is on these boards. Participate regularly here. I start a post if I am having a bit of trouble and need advice or if I feel a bit sad and want support. Otherwise I stick my nose in and have a say on other people's posts. It is the best way I learnt about how to manage.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

that'll get you started on boundaries eh?

let us know what you think, ok?

cheers,

Vivek  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Silverbirch]

Hi Survive 2012 Thankyou for your empathy and connecting with me.  Not easy is it when one's anxiety becomes overpowering eh.  I find the things that feed the soul help too and thankyou for reminding me.  Have been snowed in for days but today have just had a lovely

walk and appreciated the fresh air. Take care Silvebirchx





Hi Being Mindful, thankyou for your welcome

Silverbirchx





Hi Vivek ananda

Thankyou for your support, encouragement and advice regarding keeping communicating, boundaries and validation. This is very much appreciated and am already finding that through reading through  posts my resolve is being strengthened.  Have been looking at the boundaries link and will keep looking.  Already realise that my son and I have got into a cycle of conflict and because of my defensiveness I have not been validating him enough.

After a particularly difficult time together last friday he announced that he didn't want to see me for a month or have any contact.  This is new territory as normally he finds this diffficult to keep to! So fingers crossed eh! In the meantime I am trying to forgive him and myself, send him love and myself and focus on restoring myself and trying not to worry about how he is getting on! Also working out reestablishing healthy boundaries when we do resume contact.

Take care

Silverbirchx

[vivekananda]

In the meantime I am trying to forgive him and myself, send him love and myself and focus on restoring myself and trying not to worry about how he is getting on!

Already realise that my son and I have got into a cycle of conflict and because of my defensiveness I have not been validating him enough.

I am confident you will come through with a stronger relationship with your ds. You are reflecting on your own behaviour and thinking and this is essential for us to do. It is when we change that we can be more open to our children. Remember when we validate, we validate what they are feeling, the emotions. If we validate what they do or how they do something, it can be read as being judgemental, ie giving approval etc.

n/c can be a difficult thing, (it can also be a relief!) but if it has a time limit, then it is manageable. Have you asked him how he wants the relationship? Or how he sees a relationship with you as being? Would that be a help? Not giving advice here, just wondering out loud.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[somuchlove]

Welcome silverburch.

I am so glad you have decided to join this site.  The people here are wonderful. 

[DreamLight]

Welcome, Silverbirch (love your handle)

I'm a newbie as well, and have already benefited from taking little steps as suggested by these wonderful and experienced advisers here.  I'm so grateful to have a place to come, 24/7, where people actually understand what this is like.

Maybe it's the hidden gift inside all the sadness.

Blessings,

DreamLight

[vivekananda]

Maybe it's the hidden gift inside all the sadness.

I found two hidden gifts of extraordinary value. One, the people here who do understand. Two the learning that is turning my own life around and helping me re-establish a relationship with my daughter and helping me strengthen my marriage... .  in spite of all the pressures for it to be otherwise.

[Silverbirch]

Hello somuch love, thankyou for welcoming me to the site. Am already feeling the warmth. Take care Silverbirchx



Dear DreamLight, I love your handle too! Love silverbirch trees. I planted one in my garden about seven years ago! I am so glad that you are benefiting form the site too. It feels like coming home eh to be so understood. Phew what a relief and also to know that through sharing our own experience we are helping others hopefully too. To be able to connect with others is a gift and especially meaningful when experiencing relating difficulties closer to home! blessings to you Siverbirchx



Dear Vivek , Thankyou for sharing the gifts you have found here and am so happy for you that the learning you have found here is helping you re-establish your relationship with your daughter, and is at the same time helping you strengthen your marriage... .  inspite of all the pressures. You say that all you have to do is stay on track and practise the learning,

and I guess communicating and sharing each others stories on the site helps strengthen us when we wobble eh! And helps gets us back on track. It is so wonderful to feel finally heard after months of feeling stuck and using energy creatively.  Still no contact from my son so hope he is doing ok. His father who I divorced in 1981 because of his abusive behaviour,  with whom I have no contact and who lives abroad has been making unhelpful suggestions about what my son should do with his life. on the phone to my daughter and worrying her.  I guess born of his own frustration with the situation but is showing a complete lack of sensitivity and just today hearing this it is adding to my feelings of isolation in dealing with all of this.  So thank goodness for you all.  Also feeling very angry with my ex because its because of his need to attempt to control aspects of our son's life from afar that resulted in this latest flare up for him, and caused a lot of stress. Also angry with ex for off loading on daughter.  So today have been letting off steam, crying,writing stuff down, went out for cycle ride, watched the Australian open final and been praying for more understanding, forgiveness and acceptance in our family. You asked me in a previous post if I had asked my son what he wanted from our relationship. When he is very needy lately it has been a requirement that I am always there when he needs me! But

when he is being more rational it is for us to improve our communication and to enjoy some things together. And that is what I want to. Anyway thanks for listening and onward eh! Silverbirch x

[vivekananda]

Hi Silverbirch,

Isn't it just ugle when others 'interfere'. In my experience - most recently yesterday dealing with my BPD sister (!) who hijacked my mum's 103rd b'day celebration (!) - they are doing it to make themselves feel better. So this moring I have been reinforcing in my mind the importance of radical acceptance and 'letting go' or 'detachment' - both these are aspects of mindfulness. Ihave been telling myself that there is nothing I can do, it has happened. I am figuring out ways to prevent it happening again. I have found that learning about these things here has helped me get to the stage where I haven't really been angry, which is what my automatic response would have been before. I haven't shed a tear, I am able to be more calm and ok with what I have no control over. 

So, I would suggest that your ex is doing it not because of frustration so much as to meet his own need to cope with his feeling of helplessness... .  it's all about him and he is 'transferring' it onto your daughter to ease his guilt and his unmet emotional needs... .  yea, ok frustration too   If you explain to your daughter that what he is doing is this, then perhaps she will be able to see it clearer.The knowledge that only he can meet his own emotional needs may make it easier. He is caught because he doesn't know how to, so he puts it on her - but there is nothing she can do. Maybe that analysis may help... .  

Silverbirch, your response is thoughtful and kind to us. I was thinking about some key elements of a relationship between adults. I came up with Respect, Trust and Honesty as a start. Maybe you could with your son explore the values you believe so important in a relationship and then come up with the boundaries that meet those values. So, instead of describing the relationship, you could together plan it? Do you think that would help?   


Vivek    

[Silverbirch]

Dear Vivek  thankyou for your thoughtful reply to my post and really appreciated your empathy, wisdom and thoughful advice.   Thanks for being there. I have just typed a response and lost it! Will be in touch soon Silverbirchx

[Silverbirch]

Dear Vivek  Blimey you must have really been working on your core strength to have been able to be so mindful when your sister hijacked your Mum's party and to have got to the stage where you realise your sister's response was to make herself feel better and not judge.Plus then seeing what you could do to stop it happening again.  Am full of admiration I am at the stage where I am not yet able to fully trust that next time it would be different, so still have a lot of letting go to do. It is so helpful of you to point out to me that only the person concerned can meet their own emotional needs and I do need to remember this and will certainly talk to my daughter about this too in relation to her father. Thankyou for saying my responses are kind and I appreciate that. I still havent seen my son and have been doing quite a lot of reading about BPD, and can see how much I have been rescuing! I have been doing a lot of thinking about my values and yes thankyou it would be a really good idea to look at this with my son together, and come up with boundaries that meet these values.Can see its important to value ourselves and the relationship. At the moment its feeling scary stuff but very IMPORTANT Siverbirchx

[vivekananda]

Hi Silverbirch!

You are thoroughly on track. My first year has been the steepest learning curve I have experienced, and I've known a few I can tell you   So pace yourself well.

I am thinking now is a good time to tell you aout an easy to read book that speaks to we parents as no other I have read. It is Valerie Porr: "Overcoming BPD". There is an excellent chapter in it about validation which I think you will benefit from reading. The whole book is excellent, but I feel it's time for you to explore the concept of validation and what it means. That was a paradigm shifting moment for me when I began to learn about validation and what it really means.

n/c can be a cruel place to be. You might want to ask him to touch base with you oncce a week, so you know everything is ok - regardless of how things are with you. Even if he just sends a text and asks for no reply. We waste a lot of energy on our emotions unecessarily - worrying about things over which we have no control is one such. If you could avoid that, it may be helpful.

Re my sister and her malicious BPD, I have had a lifetime of learning there   and I wasn't so good, my anxiety levels were sky high and only started to come down on Wed, three days later. Saying stuff here is easy, practising when the pressure is on is hard!

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders