Ex shows real favouritism to one of our children

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My Ex has three children (girls), the two youngest are ours (aged 6 and 9). She shows real favouritism to her own child (13),so much so that my 9 year old (who has leukaemia) is very distressed. Her child constantly bullies mine but her mother always blames mine and doesn't entertain the idea that her child could be at fault. She believes that our child is always lying and her child is always telling the truth.

I can't speak to my Ex about this as she will not accept any criticism of her child and can get pretty aggressive towards me and my children.

Is this bias towards one child common in BPD and any suggestions as to what I can do?

B

[bulliont]

My Ex has three children (girls), the two youngest are ours (aged 6 and 9). She shows real favouritism to her own child (13),so much so that my 9 year old (who has leukaemia) is very distressed. Her child constantly bullies mine but her mother always blames mine and doesn't entertain the idea that her child could be at fault. She believes that our child is always lying and her child is always telling the truth.

I can't speak to my Ex about this as she will not accept any criticism of her child and can get pretty aggressive towards me and my children.

Is this bias towards one child common in BPD and any suggestions as to what I can do?

B

[DreamGirl]

That sounds frustrating - it's hard in divorced families when you don't have much say in how the other is parenting in the other household.

I wanted to offer this link that discusses some issues that a pwBPD might have in her/his parenting: BPD Behavior: Problematic Parenting

Is the father involved in the oldest daughter's life?

Could she be compensating for an absent parent?  

[bulliont]

The eldest girl's father has just appeared on the scene after a 9 year absence and sees her occasionally.

I do believe that the bullying is related to jealousy of my close attachment to my children. But the attitude change towards our 9 year old occurred after we split (just over 2 years ago).

I feel really powerless to help my daughter as her mum tends to massively over-react - gun to a fist fight.

I'll check out your link.

Many thanks for replying.

B

[DreamGirl]

The eldest girl's father has just appeared on the scene after a 9 year absence and sees her occasionally.

So, I have an older son that I allocated more attention to - almost parallel situation, his father was absent the first 9 years of his life. There probably is some truth to my own version of favoritism... .   

I tend to excuse/explain my behavior based more on that I think of it as overcompensation, thinking that my younger son has his needs met with his own father and that I need to help "make it better" for my older one. I also became abundantly aware of the downfall of that kind of thinking when I needed help with the little entitlement monster I had created. A parenting coach helped me back track a little bit and know that it wasn't necessary that I compensate for a choice that his father made.

You're ex's BPD is going to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

She's probably really overcompensating (slash favoring).

Any chance at counseling for your little ones?

~DreamGirl

[bulliont]

Counselling is a definite no-no! The suggestion would be taken as criticism of my ex and that would entail massive repercussions for us all.

I have alerted my family who are  rallying round to make Julie (not her real name) feel loved and cared for but I am concerned that she will bully her younger sister and that all three girls will end up having unhappy childhoods which may affect them in adulthood.   

I really feel that I am failing in my duty as a father and protector to my children.

My ex is undiagnosed as there is a great reluctance by GPs in the UK to recognise mental illness and my daughter's illness is being used as a reason to excuse unconventional behaviour.

B

[Matt]

It's understandable that we treat different kids differently.  They have different needs, and there's no way to make everything equal.  One kid comes and sits by your side, and the other stays on the other side of the room;  they're just different.

People with BPD often engage in "splitting" - seeing one child as all-good and the other as all-bad.  My ex sees the girls as all-good, my older son as all-bad, and she has a more distant relationship with my younger son;  I think she knows that how she treats him is being watched (by me) and if she treats him too badly she won't see him much anymore.  Sometimes the "splitting" is very dramatic - it affected my older son a lot when she treated him badly, when he was little.  She was really convinced he was "bad"... .  

One way to help might be to focus on your kids - just assume that your ex's behavior won't change - and give them the help they need to deal with her.  I think that can include counseling - don't discuss it with their mom, just take them.  Get a reference (I got one from the school counselor, or maybe you could ask the kids' doctor) so you can't be accused of shopping for a counselor who will take your side.

Don't view the counselor as a resource in your conflict with your ex.  View her as a resource for the kids - to help them cope with their mother's behavior (and any other challenges in their lives).  It's a long-term thing, not a quick fix - a relationship with an adult (probably a woman) who can give them guidance and tools.

If there are "repercussions", document those.  Do the right thing and let the other party react however she will, and document it.

If you can also document the behavior you describe - "splitting" - you might be able to change the custody situation, so they aren't alone with their mom, without supervision.  But that would require excellent documentation of what is going on, and maybe a Guardian Ad Litem or Custody Evaluator appointed by the court.  It might be worth consulting some attorneys to see how realistic that might be.  But don't mention it to anybody - don't threaten your ex - til you are ready to file a motion and make it successful.

[Forestaken]

I think the issue could be attention.  Your chronic ill child gathers sympathy due to illness. The result is the BPD is getting less attention than them.  As a result, resentment occurs. (nutty I know)

Why I say this, bc of experience

My D19 has had JRA since she was an infant and was bullied in middle school.

My s2bx didn't want her to see a therapist for the bullying. So, I would take my D to a begal shop on Sunday mornings when everyone was asleep and I would just listen to her.  My s2bx was resentful and forbid us for going without her.  Of course when momster was there the conversation was about momster.

After her medical procedures, I would take my D to a small restaurant or even just for a burger.  My s2bx wanted me to take her to same or better restaurant too. 

s2bx was harder on ill daughter behind close doors during the worse times. Actress in front of the medical staff

I believe she is only using her daughter as a way of satisfying her resentment. 

[Deb]

My sister did this with her kids. The oldest was all black because my sister, in her twisted thinking, blamed her for being born. You see it was the baby's fault that my sister deliberately got pregnant and "ruined her life." The middle and youngest children were wanted and so got special treatment.