second pretrial conference today

[nowheretogo]

Today is the second pretrial conference, prior to a scheduled Divorce Master hearing March 1st.  I want to settle amicably.  My L and I made an offer to settle financial issues back in October, and promised to proceed legally if this doesn't happen.  H is offended by my offer, saying he will only consent to the divorce if I buy him a house and he gets 50/50 custody.  But he also doesn't want to face the "indignities" against him at the hearing... .  conundrum. I think that at today's conference, that his offer to settle will be the above-stated.  But that is so ridiculous.  I filed for divorce shortly before two years of marriage.  He was on his knees yesterday, begging me to retract one of the indignities and claiming his undying love to me, and begging me to let him try for a week... .  and after hounding me to be intimate with him for the entire 3-day weekend, I finally gave in... again... .  but is was so weird and uncomfortable and disconnected.  He said the attorneys wouldn't know about it, which makes me feel a little better.  Because even though the last few times we've been "intimate", he has guilted me into it, he is trying to say that it gave him some "hope" for our r/s...  

I am worried, because I can't agree to give him another week, or anything, and I need to not get involved in a conversation again like I did last night.  I had been doing so well with this, and am unsure why I was different yesterday, other that the constant exposure to him over the 3-day weekend. 

Advice please?

[hithere]

best advice is probably stop having sex with him... .  

other than that take your lawyers advice but lean to the most reasonable settlement you can (lawyers can sometimes drag things on).

[Matt]

You need to have no contact with him for now.

Communicate legal stuff through the lawyers.

Don't communicate any other stuff.

[GaGrl]

Don't. Have. Guilted. Sex.

[nowheretogo]

I know, I know.  I swore I would never have sex with him again.

No contact is not possible since we live in the same home.

But I am back to no physical contact and no talking about the divorce (from my end anyway).  I can't control his mouth.

He still wants us to go to marriage counseling before the divorce master hearing (March 1st).  I guess he will be told to schedule 3 sessions before March 1st, and that he has to pay for it.  I think he will reneg.

I want to discuss more, but I feel pressured for time at the end of the work day, so will try to write some more tomorrow.

[ForeverDad]

What is the purpose of marriage counseling, to try to fix it or to try to get you through the divorce process?  If to fix it, what's the point?

[nowheretogo]

I don't know, really.  I think H is stating to try to make it work, but my L has now made it clear that I am only going to attend unwillingly.  It may just be an attempt at a delay tactic.  I don't know.  I am thinking that when H realizes that I am not going to participate and he is paying for it, that we won't go, or we'll go to the first session and that will end early.  From my staNPDoint, there is no point.  And I don't want his money wasted on this.

[Matt]

If you are obligated to go, start the session by asking, "What is the purpose of this session?", and let your H and the counselor answer.

Then state, "I have no interest in continuing the marriage or the relationship.  So if that is the purpose of this session, we are wasting our time and your money."

If you aren't legally obligated to go, just tell them that.  "I have no interest in continuing the marriage or the relationship."

[nowheretogo]

IF H still pushes, then I basically have to go in order to keep things moving, so as to not delay the March 1st hearing.  We could go through legal channels to try to not have to go, but it's not worth doing that because that would cause more delay.  If I do wind up going, I will do what you say.  You never know with H, but I won't be surprised if he calls this off.  An attempt at an 11th hour sort of settlement would not surprise me either.

[Matt]

So if your lawyer tells you that you should go, ask the question - "What is the purpose?".

If the purpose is to save the marriage, just say you have decided that it will be best to end the marriage, and then let the counselor and your husband talk for the next 59 minutes.

If they say it's to resolve divorce issues, ask for his proposal, and listen.  That might give you insight as to his thinking process.  It's very unlikely you can reach any agreements in a session like that with someone who has BPD.  But you might learn some things that will help you through the legal process - his arguments and ways of seeing things.

[nowheretogo]

Would it be worth saying that I am only interested in talking about co-parenting after the divorce?

[Matt]

Depends on the purpose of the session.

If you, your husband and the counselor are all willing to use that time to talk about parenting after the divorce, that could be useful.

If the counselor considers it her job to help you fix the marriage, you might have to just sit there and wait til the hour is over.

[nowheretogo]

I cannot picture H having a discussion with the therapist with me refusing to be involved.  He will get angry and get up and leave.  What if I'm asked "Why?" have I decided to that it is best to end the marriage.  Should I answer?

[Matt]

I cannot picture H having a discussion with the therapist with me refusing to be involved.  He will get angry and get up and leave.  What if I'm asked "Why?" have I decided to that it is best to end the marriage.  Should I answer?

The truth, in the fewest possible words.

For me, the truth would have been, "I do not believe it is safe or healthy for me to be alone with Mrs. Matt, and I am determined to provide a healthy home for the kids."

[ForeverDad]

Our disordered ones are experts at twisting history, issues and perceptions.  Clearly, you're worried that he will try to make it seem you're the problem person.  While you can't anticipate and prepare for all possible scenarios, be aware that he will try to shift things to make you look bad, feel guilted and pressured to give in.  That's his MO, right?  So don't play that Blame Game.  You don't have to justify yourself.  Just state it's over.  Don't get drawn into more conflict.  Your motto is, "It's over.  What's the point of other What Ifs when it's over?"

In recent years some states have enacted laws mandating counseling or even waiting periods for divorces because, as I understand it, they noticed that many divorces are filed and then cancelled.  Requiring a waiting period or counseling seemed like a good idea to weed out the cases where the marriage could be salvaged.  If the spouses can both be reasonable, that could work.  If even one can't be reasonable, reason or behave better long term, then that concept will fail.