Husband not acknowledging BPD or mental illness, dd favors him

[Parents! Get help here!]

My husband is in denial. Dd16 has been in treatment 2 yrs for BPD, suffered behaviors & depression for 4 years, diagnosed by several qualified professionals. She is functioning. Husband will not read, has not learned DBT, refuses to listen, is questioning my mental stability. Questioning my capability is where I lose it. I will not allow this unfounded maltreatment.

He handled her tantrum the other night by screaming at her. I told him that anything but DBT skills could destabilize her.

How is it that dd still favors him over me? She hates me. I've tried, but I'm losing affection for her over the things she's doing & how horribly she treats me. This week she even complained to her therapist that I was too happy during a family meal & that annoyed her.

I am resorting to leaving the house to go out often w girlfriends in the hopes my husband can help me get a break & learn to deal with it like I have had to do.

[Speedracer]

My husband is in denial. Dd16 has been in treatment 2 yrs for BPD, suffered behaviors & depression for 4 years, diagnosed by several qualified professionals. She is functioning. Husband will not read, has not learned DBT, refuses to listen, is questioning my mental stability. Questioning my capability is where I lose it. I will not allow this unfounded maltreatment.

He handled her tantrum the other night by screaming at her. I told him that anything but DBT skills could destabilize her.

How is it that dd still favors him over me? She hates me. I've tried, but I'm losing affection for her over the things she's doing & how horribly she treats me. This week she even complained to her therapist that I was too happy during a family meal & that annoyed her.

I am resorting to leaving the house to go out often w girlfriends in the hopes my husband can help me get a break & learn to deal with it like I have had to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tiredmommy2]

Although my situation is somewhat different from yours, I completely understand how frustrating it is to have a husband in denial.   

Back when BPDd was a young teen, she was headed downhill, yet DH was in denial that she was anything other than a normal teenager.  As the diagnoses started rolling in (starting with ODD and several others), he was still in denial, telling me that I needed to spend more time with her and talk to her more.    Even after the first 3 or 4 hospitalizations, he was still in denial, claiming after each discharge back home that she "learned her lesson" this time, and would get herself together. After more hospitalizations than I can count, a couple of years in RTF, and additional diagnoses of BPD and schizoaffective disorder, he gets it. Finally.

BPDd favored DH much of the time, but it didn't take long to figure out why - he worked a lot, so he didn't have to deal with her much, then was more lenient when he was home.  I was the one dealing with the schools, setting boundaries due to her behavioral problems, and also the one punishing her when her behavior was unacceptable. I'd also like to add that she always put on a good show around her Dad, behaving like a pure angel, and when he'd ask her about her behavior, she'd bat her eyelashes, and minimize or outright lie about it... .  Then of course there were times where he called her out on her behavior, and then I became the greatest thing since sliced bread - right or wrong, I laughed to myself at the dumfounded look on DH's face when he would be instantly split black.

This week she even complained to her therapist that I was too happy during a family meal & that annoyed her.

I'm sorry, but when I got to this part I just had to laugh. Been there, done that, and although it's horrible at the time, hopefully later on you'll be able to laugh at the ridiculousness of this too.

The best advice that I can give to you is to do what you're doing - seek support for yourself, take breaks when you can, and just try to take care of yourself in general... .  As far as your DH goes, I doubt that you'll really be able to force him back into your reality - more than likely, he'll get it when he's ready. 

[Eclaire5]

I agree with tiredmommy, it will take some time until your husband gets out of his denial phase. It is hard for a parent to accept that a child has a mental illness, probably because of the stigma attached to it. He will eventually get it. In the meantime, just try to take a break by having sometime with your friends or doing something you enjoy, just like you have been doing. Try not to think that your daughter hates you. I too felt that way when my daughter was 16 and began displaying all her BPD behaviors. With time I realized that she doesn’t hate me, she just has so much anger inside that the safest person to unleash it on is usually me. They usually use as doormats the person who is closest to them, and unfortunately is usually us: the mothers!

[jbmom]

So a little different take. My DH isn't in denial... .  he is almost too far the other way -- embracing her issue and shrugging off everything as 'she is sick".

So of course DD favors him. HAtes me with a passion... .  we had a major blow-out the other day in which I wound up taking my son and leaving. To many boundaries crossed. What I see in our circumstances... .  I have higher expectations than DH. Seriously I think she is capable of picking up the wrapper she drops on the floor, also I think she is capable of finishing her homework, or showering, or putting away her clothes.  :)H lets her out of it and tends to validate what I consider invalid (He considers valid). SO he is much easier to be around, because with him --she doesn't have to be capable of carrying a laundry basket to her room or throwing out her tampon wrappers or whatever.

So I am the mean one, the btch, etc. He is the favorite most of the time because his standards are much lower than mine.

Don't know if that is a similar dynamic you see. 

[vivekananda]

Well you could have been describing the dynamic in my home over the years - different phases at different times. And no amount of my talking made a difference until two things (maybe three).

First I sent him an email with the information here in it: www.EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dorothy_M._Neddermeyer,_PhD

it's about verbal abuse and silence. My dh didn't want to talk about it... .  he read this and got a shock!

Second I would tell him outright about how she was manipulating him and he was falling for it. Because dd was always getting what she wanted then 'dropping' him.

Third, we went to a group meeting for carers of pwBPD and he was told directly in no uncertain terms that he needed to learn about BPD etc and we needed to be 'on the same page'.

So, now he accepts the diagnosis, accepts what I am doing, accepts what I say - but he is still doing nothing himself. Nevermind. I'm gonna get him a beauty again when we next see our T.   He has no excuses left you see. Now he is retired, we have been on holidays, he has every chance to read Valerie Porr and learn about validation but he hasn't.

Meanwhile I have learnt to accept that I cannot rely on him, and after a very challenging time coming to this realisation, I eventually told him so. See he had a long terminal illness from which he recovered and I was there all the way - this was 13 years ago. Over the years I have emphasised for him how much I was there, how hard it was and how important it was for him - very subtly - because he thought he did it all by himself. So, it was after our last visit to our T when he was still not informing himself about BPD that I realised that if something like his illness happened to me, then he wouldn't be there for me - just as he's is not there for our dd. Of course this is not how he sees himself, so when I told him this, he was really shocked. But of course he's forgotten about it now. But we'll be seeing the T in a couple of weeks... .  I will give him every opportunity to change 

My advice is 1) to accept what you can't change (ie other people) 2) work on showing by example, how to respond - for all your family... .  (ie work on yourself)

life sucks sometimes, that's all, but we are not powerless, we can change.

Vivek    

[Speedracer]

Thank you for the responses! Jbmom you made me laugh because I can see some of the pendulum swinging the other way at times too! Vivek  I tried to pull up that article but could not find the specific one you mention. Tired mommy your story is overwhelming and amazing. Eclaire you give good advice too.

Attending a class for loving someone with an addiction helped me tremendously and could have helped him if he went. It was all about boundaries. It made me also aware of how he may enable, & I am trying to teach him.

Our younger two have special needs also and were diagnosed years before dd. We have gone through the cycle of blaming me, denial, anger, blaming ourselves, acceptance, & trying to figure out how to succeed. Always I have hit the stages before him. I remember him taking the younger two on an outing and returning as if he looked like he was having a heart attack, "I cannot manage them!" I laughed! No arguments about medication after that day. Then when he finally accepts, he enables & makes excuses! Ugh I do not know why this has eluded me with dd's situation, that it will be the same cycle, perhaps a bit longer and a lot more painful before he gets there.

Our psychiatrist - a fabulous doctor who pioneered modern programs for adolescents, always told me "Your job as a parent is to put yourself out of business as a parent." Those words stick with me everyday. This doctor also also reminds me at every visit "You have a husband in training. You need to train him." Also, he says, "You cannot divorce. It would be a disaster for your family if you divorced with all the needs your kids have. It's not an option for you."

My therapist today reinforced the need to keep disengaging from dd's drama without making her feel abandoned. I demonstrated it this week when I held her to something important in therapy, she cursed me, & stormed out of the room. Then I told my husband to tell her that I am still happy to take her shoe shopping like we planned, but if she doesn't want to I understand. I will wait for her to come to me. She said no.

Her doctor added abilify to her welbutrin 5 days ago due to poor impulse control & high risk self harming behavior. We started at a low dose, but may need to increase as we observe her over the next few weeks until her next appointment. Medication is not a cure all, but we canot accomplish anything without it.

Now I'm off to focus on myself, my personal interests, and disengage, feeling very satisfied that I have done wonderful and thorough family work over the years. It's hubby's turn now!

When he questioned my mental ability, I asked for a separation & he ended up getting a hotel room for one night. I told him that I cannot effectively parent with a partner who questions my mental health, leaves me to care for myself & his challenged children while he works, and refuses to have himself assessed. He returned home the next day, apologizing profusely. It better never happen again!

[vivekananda]

You sound like you have it under control there Speedracer  

Here's a direct link to the article: www.ezinearticles.com/?Silence-The-Ultimate-Control-and-Power-Over-Another&id=147427 hope it works, it worked for me (the link). I re read the article, I think it is a killer, says it beautifully.

viv  

[Speedracer]

Thank you Vivek , I printed it out & will share. Hope everyone has a good day.

[jbmom]

Very interesting article. -- I am going on the tangent from the original thread

We had a major blow-out Monday night. As well as we had been doing with our skills and preventing outburst from DD, our skills do not prevent DD from doing things not approved off, or agreed to stop or inappropriate for a 14 yr old.  I felt done. More than a share of my boundaries crossed. I left with my son for the night.  I was trying to engage both DD and DH and but nothing in return. Nothing said, nothing explained. It is the silence and the retreat that gets me so upset. If they don't agree they should say something, but this passive agressive nature of defiance and splitting us (DH & I) played to the end Monday night. 

So what did my leaving accomplish? I thought nothing. I though I would be blamed for being the bad mother who took off. Instead I found the Psychiatrist siding with me - -or so my DH tells me.  I refused to attend the session as DD would still not speak to me and DH is only saying what he thinks I want to hear instead of what he should say.

So DH comes home and tells me... .  in a very somber voice. We need to make this a safe home for everyone. What does that mean? The essence of the conversation was they were pointed out the were not making this a safe home for me or DS. both had to do better. DD despite her issues needs to contribute to making a safe home. 

Wow. was all I had to say. Doubt they will do anything -- but its out there, the pink elephant in the house. Mom can't keep everyone together. I am not a psychic and can't read minds. To see this labeled as verbal abuse... .  is comforting in a way. I woudl say more emotional abuse, but all the same in the end. Tuesday was somber at home, Weds was filled with alot of laughter -something dearly missing for a long time. I don't expect it to last, but am enjoying the few days of normalcy.

[Speedracer]

I was thinking the same also, emotional abuse. An Imago trained marriage counselor specializing in families w special needs children has helped us tremendously. We stopped going bc dd requires a ton of therapy which includes us. How many therapists & therapy appts becomes overkill? My therapist says its cheaper than me being hospitalized for a nervous breakdown. She has a point. I am seeing that marriage counselor again soon to keep her up to speed. When dd leaves for college we will have some more marriage work to do, if not sooner.

Do not forget that we hold a lot more currency & power in our families than we realize. We must stay calm, use good boundaries with all of them, including husbands & pets! Verbal & emotional abuse should never be tolerated. And it should not be modeled for our children!

[vivekananda]

In a nutshell speedracer! You said it.

I would like to point out, 'cos it sounded like a litany of complaint and negativity. That my poor dh and I have a stronger relationship than ever now - I accept where he is at and I do everything I can to let him change... .  and vice versa (more or less). And yes there has been a mountain of marriage guidance therapy. Now it is a specific T who understands BPD to help us with our dd.

good luck girls 

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tiredmommy2]

When he questioned my mental ability, I asked for a separation & he ended up getting a hotel room for one night. I told him that I cannot effectively parent with a partner who questions my mental health, leaves me to care for myself & his challenged children while he works, and refuses to have himself assessed. He returned home the next day, apologizing profusely. It better never happen again!

Good for you - sounds like you have everything under control. 

I have higher expectations than DH. Seriously I think she is capable of picking up the wrapper she drops on the floor, also I think she is capable of finishing her homework, or showering, or putting away her clothes.  DH lets her out of it and tends to validate what I consider invalid (He considers valid). SO he is much easier to be around, because with him --she doesn't have to be capable of carrying a laundry basket to her room or throwing out her tampon wrappers or whatever.

Oh yeah, this sounds all too familiar - you've beautifully explained why I'm a b**** and DH is wonderful... .  As an aside, what is it with the tampon wrappers on the floor? That and pads stuck to underwear... .  

[Eclaire5]

Yes, I wonder about their sloppiness and lack of hygiene in general. I thought it was a way for my daughter to rebel against our tidiness (yes, I admit my husband and I can be a bit obsessive about cleanliness), but it might be a symptom of BPD> It’s so frustrating!

[Kate4queen]

I can come at this from a different perspective, my husband was the first person to make a connection between my son's appalling behavior and BPD. 'He' was the one who picked up 'Walking on Eggshells' in the bookstore and for him suddenly everything made sense.

It took me 5 years more to agree with him... .  because 'I' was the favored parent. 'I' was the one who was so busy dealing with my son's other issues of mild cerebral palsy, and feeling so guilty about that, that I couldn't deal with something else being wrong with him.

I was in a weird co-dependent relationship that the underlying message was  from my son "if I never say that you are to blame for my condition, you'll give me anything I want."

Eventually that changed because he broke that cycle and repudiated me and I realized I'd been living a lie for years.

When I worked out that all the crap my kid had been pinning on my husband for years, (splitting us and nearly destroying our marriage), was actually his issues, the scales fell from my eyes... .  I reread the book and rethought my life, and realized my whole relationship with my son had been based on my guilt. Not healthy.

Once I worked that out, and got myself a therapist, I was able to see things how they really were and I looked my husband in the eye and apologized for not seeing it. He cried.

So there is hope for a parent to work it out but how they get there can be a long and torturous path sometimes.

[vivekananda]

oh Kate4queen what a story. My heart breaks for you, silly I know since you are on track etc.

It's just another lesson on how we see what we want to see, eh? It's suits me to be 'right' suits my   of self righteousness etc.

BPD has taught me much about myself, I suppose I should be thankful   

cheers,

Vivek    

[Speedracer]

Things are better this week. Dh has been more thoughtful. I am in awe of what improvement we've seen in dd by adding a very low dose of abilify each evening. It's been about 7 months since we discontinued this class of medication, and 7 months of real struggle, poor decisions, and poor coping skills followed. Looks like dd will take welbutrin and birth control every morning, and abilify every evening, INDEFINITELY now. Therapists say with hard work continuing, they are confident she will be ready to leave for college in August, with a qualified DBT therapist in place near the campus, of course.

As I write, she just came in & handed me a card that says "Mom, sometimes I'm amazed at how many things you have to do and how well you manage to do them all. You've done so much for our family & I just want to tell you how much I appreciate it... .  how much I appreciate you." This is real progress. I'm stunned.

The therapists and doctors have weighed in and said that I now need to break the mother/daughter dynamic. They said I've done enough and now it is time to step back and leave dd to figure things out on her own - she should be capable. When she asks me a question, I've been told to answer her with a question, not heartfelt advice. "What would your therapist advise you to do? What do your teachers think? How will you figure this out? Ask your doctor." It seems that there comes a point in time when they get a rise out of our reaction. They appear to thrive on how we same sex parents play right into their unending cycle of crisis.

Kate4queen what an interesting twist with the same sex parent. We are so used to seeing the mother/daughter dynamic. I give so much credit to your husband for his quest to identify what was happening, and to you for seeing how you fit into the puzzle! You must be able to identify with my dh's perspective.

Today a friend told me of a teen girl we know of who cut her wrists while home alone as her boyfriend broke up with her over the phone. I wish so much I could walk into her mother's life and guide her through the things I've learned and keep her company knowing how I felt so alone in this over the years. I want to tell her that there is hope. I hope she finds this message board for support.

[vivekananda]

Hey Speedracer, that sounds like a good thing to try. Practice on others first, so it comes to you more naturally I reckon. I know that dh and I are problem solvers, so when dd asked what to do, we'd come up with a solution. She'd implement it in her own way (not as we would have) then blame us for when it went wrong. If you don't come up with the solutions but help them work out the solution, then you are teaching them a lifeskill, AND diverting the blame for it when it goes belly up   A win win eh?

go girl 

Vivek    

[Kate4queen]

Speedracer, what we do now with our son is use the short and sweet technique when he emails about a new crisis, (everything is a crisis ).

We state the problem, ignore all the emotional hooks (save me! help me! make it right!) avoid the guilt trips, ("Mum can you pack, post and pay my text books back for me?"  and answer the problem in hand, i.e.,

"Your text books are in your car, which we are signing over to you tomorrow. You are actually closer to the P.O. so we are sure you can mail them back to the provider yourself."

End of message.

Putting the problem back on him.

And guess what? He can do it himself, he really can.