How do they react if you cut them off?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do they react if you cut them off?

We all know these folks are sensitive to rejection/abandonment, but they also recycle people.

So what do they do when you've cut them off completely, particularly a waif type?

I've never cut mine off completely but I am highly considering it.

[AllyCat7]

How do they react if you cut them off?

We all know these folks are sensitive to rejection/abandonment, but they also recycle people.

So what do they do when you've cut them off completely, particularly a waif type?

I've never cut mine off completely but I am highly considering it.

[faithfull]

She was with the other guy when i cut her off. I made sure she was there before i do that. She would have heart attack if she was alone. She could'nt go crazy because there was a great chance of getting dumped by new host ... .  

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I cut mine off when she moved out while I was out of the country. No explanation, conversation or consideration. She also took a car I put in her name and other things of not significant value.

When she told me she had moved out and was not joining me for a vacation I instantly made the decision it was over. No going back. No conversation. It was over because I couldn't trust anything she said or did.

She sent me a couple of texts that I didn't respond to. She crossed my path where she knew I ran, but I didn't stop. I just kept running. That was followed by a text saying she wanted to stop and talk.

She finally showed up 5 houses down from where I lived staying with her next host. She ultimately called the police on me for stalking her in my neighborhood where she had no business.

I guess you have to make a choice as drama and problems will only come your way if you do not cut off contact.

In over a year I have spent a far amount of time on me. I understand why and how I was in that relationship. I now see the patterns in my life that I have to change in order to lead a life of integrity.

Do I regret some of my behavior in that relationship? Absolutely! Do I have to stay focused on my recovery/ behavior? Absolutely! Do I at times feel like making amends for some of the things I said to her! Yes, but that conversation would only pen a can of worms that would only make things worse. The best I can do is forgive her, forgive me and work on being the person I want to be.

So to answer your question... .  if you cut her off she may escalate and try and creat some drama that if you pay attention you can avoid. If you do not cut her off you are guaranteed drama.

Every situation is different, but if there really is not a basis for any kind of relationship ( and I don't think there can be) then there is only one answer... .  NC

I hope tis helps.

[draft]

I cut mine of.

Got some drama.

What happend next are just based on rumors. i'm really trying to stay away from all info.

Ex realized, this was the real cut.

Ex couldn't see any responsibility. (This is the huge BPD-handicap)

Ex splits me really black, believs it's all my fault.

Ex rebounds, but doesn't get happy.

Ex goes into depression.

Ex splits everything black and blames the world

All in 3 months.

[draft]

P.S the splitting black was almost public (Friends in common, FB and so on)

This was done AFTER the drama between us. Thats how I got informed.

[Sabine]

Mine was the waif type too. His bark was MUCH bigger than his bite. After he gave his last bark, I cut him off... .  completely. I think he was in shock that I meant it this time. He tried expressing himself with letters in the mail, presents, and stealth emails. I never ever responded because I knew it would make it worse... .  

The main thing was that I had to make sure I was serious about the split, that I meant it, that I stuck close to the boards, that I looked at what brought me to him in the first place, that I understood enough about BPD, that I didn't take his reaction personally, that I took care of myself, that I trusted my gut, that I looked at the reality... .  and then some! 

[wowjer]

well until recently it has been difficult to cut my ex off.  we have 2 children.  I may consider the past two weeks a way to get me back involved. 

In the last week i put my daughter in afterschool which eliminated my ex's need to be at my house anymore.  This is also were i have not responded to her texts for weeks prior. 

This past week. 

1.  she called MY friend to try and get together with him.  She met him once. 

2.  she called my mom for no reason

3.  she did not show up on time to pick up her kids for visitation... .  which automatically got me to confront her

4.  she brought my replacement (the guy she was cheating on me with) to my house and he stood in my driveway staring at me. 

Nothing worked to get me to engage until her boyfriend was standing in my driveway.  I asked her NOT to bring him on my property.  She blamed it on my ego.  She fails to recognize that I dont want HER on my property either. 

[Diana82]

this is an interesting thread...

I was actually cut off by my exBPD. Wiped off.

She dumped me over a fight, ignored all my calls, didn't return my stuff, changed her number and I never heard a word for 5 months.

After 3 years together she does this after an argument?   it hurts like hell.

I don't think it's a very nice thing to do at all to anyone really. It's callous

I'd only do something like this if the person was stalking me or threatening me with something

[SarahinMA]

After my ex broke up with me, he kept trying to keep in contact.  I told him he needed to leave me alone so I could heal (I was just going on instinct, I had no idea about BPD at the time).  When I tried to reach out several months later, he was extremely angry, blamed me for everything, and threw himself a pity party.  It was never the same after that.  I was painted black- he tried to play some more mind games with me, played with my emotions, etc.  Now, I've been in absolute NC for 3 months now and it's helped tremendously.  I still dread the day I run into him again. 

[almost789]

It depends if he cut you off first, he won't care if you cut him off. They usually have moved on with the replacement and is focusing all attention on them. If you cut him off first, then he'll panic initially, then split you black and move on. So either way you can't win.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

If the ex has already replaced the non then I would cut that person out and focus all my time and energy on my life. There really is nothing to talk about. I would not need to talk about the past and there is no future. I see no benefit in having any kind of relationship with some that does not have any integrity. Let someone else enjoy that punishment.

Focus all the time and energy why you would get involved with someone like that, your role and build a happy integrity filled life.

[HarmKrakow]

It's either 2 *hellish* scenarios.

1)At a single point in your relationship with this BPD person, she will wake up the next day and realizes, what was I with you for? I don't feel anything for you, goes away and shows no remorse. We had happy times? I can't remember them...

2)Or, you've had enough of her weird behavior and you pull the plug after you have been emotionally, physically and financially drained. Then the other problem arises ... she won't want you to leave and will move hell and earth together in order to 1) find you 2) track you down 3) and want you back in that manipulation phase untill my first option comes to light.

[draft]

After 3 years together she does this after an argument?   it hurts like hell.

I don't think it's a very nice thing to do at all to anyone really. It's callous

I'd only do something like this if the person was stalking me or threatening me with something

Got threatened and I cut off AFTER clearly stating I don't accept threats and that I'm now leaving the relationship.

You're right. Out of the blue, is not a good path at all. Poor integrity and values of the "dumper" to be honest.

[Somewhere]

Focus all the time and energy why you would get involved with someone like that, your role and build a happy integrity filled life.

Yeah . . . . pretty much I am hearing whilst shopping for would-be "Marriage Therapists."

They are saying -- "can't fix her, she is just what she wants to be . . .  but you (me) . . .  we could actually do some good work on you and let you figure out why you tolerated this foolishiness for the last ten years."

Really like your integrity comments.  Went down the "practice these principles in all our affairs," part of Al-Anon, last month, and just what those principles are.  Top of the list was honesty.  So in application, I have told Mrs. that I will not Lie or Cover for her, anymore.  Has really knocked our household for a loop. 

[redfeather]

 

Mine couldnt give a hoot about me when she was skipping off into the future with Ms. Right Now, then her replacement Ms. You Will Do and then HER replacement, Ms. You Are More Desperate than Me... .  As this lesbian saga has unfolded from afar I have had no contact from my end whatsoever. None zero zilch. In 12 months... .  

She on the other hand not even 2 months after playing "the one" roulette was texting, calling from private numbers, showing up at my work with gal # 3 in towrunning by the windows back and forth at my work like two bad children pointing and mocking me for what: working?

That little phase stopped and then she proceeded to like everything on my FB page for about 3 months then when present gal came on board for her indoctrination into "One Who Presently Occupies The Cuckoo's Nest" she went stone silent lots to do in idealization phase dontcha know!

Well now as per her inability to keep a steady relationship going they are broken up. Never saw that one coming did we?

At any rate she has told a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a lesbian friend... whew... that she "misses me and should have never let me go".

So she messaged me today via Facebook... She can go pound sand... .  

This is why No contact worked so well for me over past year. Yes it hurt very badly to be disgarded so callously. oh yes indeed. But it exposed some deep wounds in me that needed healing and that is what I have done. It also reinforced my fervent belief that people who truly love us dont cast us aside like so much trash...

While she has been cutting an emotionally devastating path through my lesbian community,  I have been crafting this fabulous new me.

And if you ask how I know all this? I chose No Contact from her but I still have to exist in the greater world where i live and people love to gossip. They especially love to zing you with news about your ex to see how you react then your reaction is the fodder for more gossip ad nauseum if you participate. For me when i hear her name and figured where this was heading i would listen politely then excuse myself.

So in retrospect I think she didnt deserve me then but I am absolutely positive she doesnt deserve to be in the same room with me now. That sounds superior but comes from a place of great humility on my part. Because now I understand: NONE of their machinations will work if I refuse to play ball. I am so much healthier now... .  

She who once made me smile from ear to ear thinking I had found someone who understood me now it makes me cringe to think of being in her presence.

[HarmKrakow]

After 3 years together she does this after an argument?   it hurts like hell.

I don't think it's a very nice thing to do at all to anyone really. It's callous

I'd only do something like this if the person was stalking me or threatening me with something

Got threatened and I cut off AFTER clearly stating I don't accept threats and that I'm now leaving the relationship.

You're right. Out of the blue, is not a good path at all. Poor integrity and values of the "dumper" to be honest.

Thats amazing! I got threatened by her that she would cut me of her life completely, never want to see me again etc. What did I do? Started to work even harder for her needs and of course fail miserably.

[AllyCat7]

Thanks all for your replies! Sorry for my late reply back. But it was so enlightening to read all that you had to share!

I notice that when they think you cut them off "for good this time", that they start freaking out. I felt this a couple times with my guy when he would let me go and I would walk away. If I let him go, he would shut down, go silent, and ignore me until I reached out to him (don't ask me why I did that ). I am still contemplating whether I want to cut him off for good. I'm going to see what he does when he comes back from his overseas business trip. I'll be honest, it's hard to imagine him not in my life at all. Aside from his push/pull antics and cheating, he really is an angelic presence and I always enjoyed my times with him... .  sigh. Well, regardless, I will be working on myself, whether I make an official cut or not. There's a good chance he may just never come back from this break (since it's muddled as to who caused it). We'll see.

Btw, harmkrakow, I loved you succinct description of the two scenarios. You are so on point .

And redfeather, your post had me laughing. "One who presently occupies the cuckoo's nest"--brilliant . It's funny how you mention her cutting a path of destruction through your tight-knit lesbian community. I am experiencing a similar thing. Me and my pwBPD have emmigrated from the same country and date exclusively within that group of people. So there was always some weird overlap, even when he was across the country and globe. But now that he's in my city, it's even worse! I have heard rumors and have seen with my own eyes on FB girls from my community popping up on his page (none are close friends, thank God... .  he knows better than to do that). It's all so twisted, though. I feel like everywhere I go, one of his chicks will be there ready to question me (which has already happened). I can't take it. I'm actually trying to avoid the community for the time being and trying to focus on my friends outside of it in the meantime. I figure he'll finish ripping through this town in a few more months and then be on his merry way to a new one. It's heart-breaking, though, because he initially moved here to be with me :'( Ughh, such romance turned into such rubbish.

Anyway, I will keep you all posted as to when/if/how I cut him off... .  or if he does it first. We'll see!