Initial CE report in-I am shattered

[BentNotBroken]

I just read the initial CE report. I am shattered. My BPDexgf totally BSed the psychologist about almost every single aspect of our lives. She had access to copies of the objective tests before she had to take them, and was tested in an unsupervised environment. He stated he has serious questions about her credibility regarding everything she reported, but still recommended 50-50, stating that she is selfish, but has no pathology. I did not lie nor even exaggerate one single thing, and the shrink thought--the truth is somewhere in the middle. Complete cop-out. A high school dropout could have made that ignorant, cliche statement. un freaking believable!

She has been physically violent towards me in front of our son on multiple occasions, stolen from me, lied to officers of the court, has made over 100 false allegations against me, is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me in front of our son, has made false accusations to remove me from my son's life that are considered to be child abuse in our state, has committed several felony level crimes in the last few years, and has consistently interfered with my parenting of my son for over a year. She even had her family involved in harassing me.

She is mother of the year in BPD land.

Onward to the trial that will likely bankrupt me. I am praying that the GAL doesn't cave to her BS again. My son's life is at stake, and no one will stand up to the bully except me. My son deserves better than this. I am sick to my stomach over this total abortion of an evaluation. Thousands of dollars flushed to say--eh, 50-50.

[SeekerofTruth]

I am so sorry to hear you go thru this.  Anticipating the shrink test might cast some objective light on the matter, but instead finding out ex appears to have BSed the shrink, gamed the objective psychometric instrument, and shrink plays with a routine nonchalant truth is in the middle, appearing to cop out completely given the vast discrepancies you described.  Keep head straight if you can.

Hmm,

She had access to copies of the objective tests before she had to take them, and was tested in an unsupervised environment.

Not to sound legalistic, but if that is fact, and can be substantiated... .  it would appear proper testing protocol may have been violated.  Not sure actually if the MMPI is suppossed to be proctored or not.  But having access to questions ahead of time, seems out of line.

Sorry about all the drama.  Do take care in every way of yourself first, please.

[scraps66]

Sorry to hear you were left short.  it seems many courts, thank god now, tow the line to the defualt position of 50-50.  I say thank god because it used to be EOW and take it or leave it.  we still have take it or leave it.  As a L recenlty told me regarding my Order, 50-50, which is completely unenforceable, "You've got a pretty good order here."  Huh?  Order with no teeth with a BP.

Does the report at least make recommendations of how the 50-50 arrangment is to be orchestrated.  Like I said, I have a 50-50 Order, but aside from the 50-50 and the Holiday schedule, it's practically useless in terms of putting bounds around my exBPs behavior.   

And have you delved into the qualifications of the evaluator?  is this some court appointed hack who is on the gravy train and not wanting to make waves?  Maybe water under the bridge, but may be worth discussing with you L. 

[tog]

BnB-

When I read your title, I thought... .  oh, no, he's getting supervised visits.  :'( When I read 50/50, I thought  . Didn't you go from a couple hours a week where she would basically watch over you to 50/50?  This is fantastic news. Especially with the incredible distortion campaign she put you through.

One of the things we have had to do is scale back our expectations. My SO's uN/BPDstbx does not do the overt acting out that your X does, but she does plenty of damage and she gets away with it. My SO initially thought getting full custody would be a cakewalk because to us, she seems so NUTS. As time has gone on, we realize that isn't going to happen. The public face she shows is very convincing, for one, and for two, the court simply is broken when it comes to these matters. They dismiss the vitriol and false allegations as just anxiety from a mother afraid of losing her son, not as delusions and abuse from a disordered mind. They don't seem to get that a parent destroying her child's relationship with the other parent is more than just "noise", it's actual emotional abuse.

You fought hard to get that 50/50 and as time goes on, you might just get more and more. You have done your son a huge favor even if you are only there half the time. And if she does more of this obvious acting out, you are in a position to get more and more time with him (see: FOREVERDAD). Hang in there and see this a step in the process and really, a victory.

[marbleloser]

While 50/50 seems bad,considering you know your ex,it's a good starting point actually. You know she's going to screw up sometime in the future.The main goal right now is that you don't screw up. Keep documenting,keep being a great parent,be aware,and when she asks that you keep the kiddo a little longer than 50%,do it!

As of now,you're on equal footing.Who do you think will mess up first? Who needs to be there when that happens? 

Also,from a financial point of view,look at your options.You've spent 50K. You're going to have to continue cs at 50/50,but it will be reduced. Over the long term,how much would cs cost you until age of majority? Is it financially advisable to continue to run up costs? What if it costs another 50K?,20K?

Not trying to get you to stop,but step back and take a look at the bigger picture.Regroup.The playing field has just changed,and it's in your favor. Six months to a year from now,take another look at things and see if you can get more time with the kiddo.You can ALWAYS go back to court if there's a change in circumstances.

[BentNotBroken]

I am still in a state of shock from the report. I guess I put too much faith in the psychologists ability to see through her fabrications. She has violated me on so many levels, and is so out there in her delusions that it just staggers me to think that a forensic psychologist would be unable to see what is really going on.

I know 50-50 is a great thing when there are two normal parents involved, despite their animosity. She has been on the attack since before our son was born, and I am dealing with a chronic physical illness. I can't  maintain a years long war with her either physically or financially. She has the full support of her wealthy parents, and makes double what I do. Every month that this goes on, it costs me thousands more than my income on top of the child support. I can't even afford proper medical care due to the burden that this case has placed on me, and the steps she has taken to completely cut off my income. How in the world is her sociopathic behavior dismissed as just, "selfish and immature"?

I realize that this is a small victory, as it clears me of the 5 mental illnesses she formally accused me of having. However, it does nothing to address the actual damaging behavior she has already displayed on multiple occasions. I am blown away by the psychologists inability to actually see what is going on with her. As per the advice on this board, I never mentioned my suspicions of BPD just stuck to factual behaviors that I have directly observed, or have physical evidence of.

I want to call the doc, and just tell him he blew it. Thank god I actually have impulse control.

[DreamGirl]

She has been physically violent towards me in front of our son on multiple occasions, stolen from me, lied to officers of the court, has made over 100 false allegations against me, is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me in front of our son, has made false accusations to remove me from my son's life that are considered to be child abuse in our state, has committed several felony level crimes in the last few years, and has consistently interfered with my parenting of my son for over a year. She even had her family involved in harassing me.

She is mother of the year in BPD land.

This seems to be a part of our judicial system.

There has to be a whole lot of room given for failure. I was in a 2 1/2 year custody battle that was so obvious to me (and my attorney) I just could not understand why all the hoops and hurdles.

$25,000 later to get exactly what was ordered in the first place (me having sole custody) and the added twist of ordering (NPD-ish)Dad to therapeutic supervised visitation (at his expense).

Onward to the trial that will likely bankrupt me. I am praying that the GAL doesn't cave to her BS again. My son's life is at stake, and no one will stand up to the bully except me. My son deserves better than this. I am sick to my stomach over this total abortion of an evaluation. Thousands of dollars flushed to say--eh, 50-50.

I know that this is important to you and there doesn't seem to be a bright side. I don't want to be the one that says "it could be a whole lot worse", but... .  well, I see this as a victory not a loss. Just not exactly the way you wanted it to look. That seems to be the way our court system works - no clear cut winner/loser. Especially when BPD is involved.

BnB. I think that you have stood up to the bully - if she had it her way, you'd be completely ostracized from your son's life.

But here you are, with a lot of fight left in you.  

I think it's OK to settle with 50/50, especially with the wise souls on this board to help you in minimizing the effects that a pwBPD can have on their children.

I also think it's OK to keep up the good fight - especially when you believe in it. I believed in my own "fight" and my son's therapist helped me stay grounded in that I was doing the right thing - she also testified at the trial.  I was highly, highly emotional and was having catastrophic thinking with thoughts that my son would be forever ruined by this man.  In hindsight, I was taking all the right steps and doing all the right things and I felt like I was failing. I questioned myself and everyone around me. My son's therapist held my hand the entire way to point me in the right direction.  Like you, I wanted what was best for him... .  and sometimes that doesn't always look exactly the way I think it should.    

Does your son have a therapist? Do you? Is there anyway that you can get that kind of professional involved to help you stay grounded? Someone you trust to help you you stay in "wisemind" - that place where our logic and emotions meet in the middle enabling us to make level-headed, wise decisions.

I just see you as really emotional (and stressed) in this and it's not always the best condition to be forging ahead in a custody battle where there will be more stress (and more false accusations).  

I'm sorry that you're feeling defeated in this, it's the worst feeling in the world to feel like that when it comes to our children.



~DreamGirl

[BentNotBroken]

I spent most of the day today dealing with more fallout from false accusations from BPDex. I am at a loss to understand how the psychologist could ignore her multiple episodes of violence and aggression towards me, and come to the conclusion that she is an acceptable parent.

Somehow violent women are given a pass, and a male that raises his voice to tell her to stop after hours of verbal abuse is behaving in a manner that needs to be scrutinized to the nth degree.

I am now in the camp of "family court is a sick joke." I will keep fighting on as long as possible, but no reinforcements are on the horizon, and BPDex can just open her mouth for five seconds and steal another month from my life and thousands of dollars from my bank account. This process is a h*ll I never even imagined possible.

To answer the Q's above, no therapist for son as he is under 2. I am asking for a referral from my primary care doc to a therapist, because I probably need some help dealing with this constant barrage of fabrications that have stolen the last 2 years of my life.

I resisted seeing a therapist, because a single misquote in their notes becomes a point of litigation that costs me thousands in legal fees to refute. I don't think I really have a choice at this point.

[tog]

You are right... .  angry women are given a pass as "scorned" and angry men are seen as "abusive". The reality is, women can cry and people feel sympathy for them, whereas an emotional man is seen as weak and dangerous. Knowingly or not, women with BPD use this to their advantage in the court system. Plus, I think the courts want things to be "fair" and they end up ignoring a lot of bad stuff in the interest of that fairness.

Like someone else said, this is changing. 10 years ago you would have been given every other weekend "visitation" that she could have messed with all she wanted because she was given sole custody, now you are given an equal say in time and parenting. I do understand the frustration about the smear campaign and the relentless spending on lawyers, etc, we've spent around 40K ourselves, including emptying savings, taking out loans and borrowing from my parents. But in the end, they have kept it 50/50 despite stbxw managing to get SS to say he was terrified of his father and wanted to live with her.

So they disregard her allegations as much as they disregard SO's truthful statements, which is at least SOMETHING. I think your ex will eventually settle into a routine and maybe even give you more time (like Matt's does) but she'll have to be convinced first that going to court is a waste of time for her, and that takes a while.

Hang in there. A therapist is a great idea. And enjoy your son.

[ForeverDad]

So they disregard her allegations as much as they disregard SO's truthful statements, which is at least SOMETHING.

The misbehaving parent is given few if any consequences and the behaving parent is given little if any credit.  My custody evaluator, from the outset state that with my ex's majority time history then my better behaviors would only bring me up to 50%.  While my CE report was better than BNB's report, I still had everyone in the case cheering on a 50/50 Shared Parenting settlement.  It didn't even last a couple years before I filed for a Change in Circumstances and seeking custody, nearly another two year process.

I think your ex will eventually settle into a routine and maybe even give you more time (like Matt's does) but she'll have to be convinced first that going to court is a waste of time for her, and that takes a while.

If that ever happens, and that's a big if, it will be only times of her choosing and generally only when required by the order such as with ROFR which terms go both ways.  And his ex and Matt's ex are not on the same end of the disordered scale.  Going from my experience which was a bit milder than BNB's.

[BentNotBroken]

I am now regretting not calling the police during her violent episodes. I didn't call because I was assuming it was a post-partum issue, and I didn't want her to lose her job which would have ended our son's insurance coverage. Yes, she probably would have been fired for domestic violence as she is a college professor.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Foreverdad's situation is getting to where it should have been from the outset. The road to get there is my nightmare scenario. I don't have the financial resources to fight a years-long custody battle, as this first year has already cost me about 50K. I know that BPDex's legal bills are at least that much. My ex has no comprehension of the cost as her Mommy is paying her legal bills, trying to make up for the guilt trip her daughter has laid upon her. ("Victim of 15+ years of horrible abuse" (allegedly by me) + Husband's suicide + childhood abandonment).

The money that has been burned up so far would have paid for an Ivy league education for our son plus his first home if it had been invested instead of wasted on legal fees.

On a positive note, having to "parent" a BPD for 15+ years has made taking care of our son a piece of cake. His meltdowns are easily defused with love and comforting, both of which I have an endless supply of.

My BPDex is extremely intelligent, completely without ethics, and has been able to keep her victims isolated and silent (husband suicide). She is smart enough to fool a PhD psychologist, and fooled me for many years.

[nona]

AWWWW BNB,

Your baby is so little, That must be hard !

I stayed and our child is 10.

they LOve 50/50.

Even just a money thing for broke states/countries. Think about how much money it saves them to stick a kid in 50/50.

No support enforcement.

50/50 saves THEM MILLIONS.

I had an awakening recently that "my childs soul knows the truth". She has not heard alot of talk about abuse, cause I know better, I am a trained domestic violence worker.

She feels the difference from crazy house to sane house.

I have always assumed my kids are at least as smart as I was, and I KNEW Mom was BUTT-CRAZY at 4 years old.

It was painful at times, we were abused. I left to the streets at 14.

She is still crazy, and I still have a relationship with her.

I feel I was not COMPLETELY powerless as i had understanding, and validation from other adults around me.

I knew other moms were nicer, normal, loved their kids, and my mom could only 1/2 the time, but I bumbled along.

At 4, an auntie told me "its not your fault, yor mama is kinda sick and she cant help it."

That was my mantra. it was the truth. it was very comfortable to know this.

My little brother did not have the same support and he is a heroin addict today.

I think the truth made the difference in my survival as opposed to his.

Thank god you are there for your small child.

Thank god you know the truth so early in his life instead of enduring 8 years of parental alienation before you learn about BPD!

You are gonna give so much love and support and grounding while with you!

I wish you grace and ease.

[tog]

BnB,

My SO's stbxw is also a college professor and looks great on paper. I try to see it from the perspective of the courts, therapists, CE (by the way, my SO came up looking awful in the CE and they STILL went with 50/50 because stbx looked awful too) which is that they don't see the side we see. They see the seemingly intelligent, organized, pleasant, loving mother who is just concerned about her son... .  we see the abusive, angry hostile, controlling, delusional, disordered person. I think SO's lawyer was even a little skeptical until he read the emails threatening to call the police if SO did not have SS call her by 10 am to verify that he was not being held hostage by his father. Crazy stuff.

I suspect that once we get past her crazy possessiveness, fear and need to hurt SO, she will also give us more time with SS too. It's what she did prior to the court action. Once she finds a new man, she will not need to own SS anymore, even if it is only on her terms. We also do not have the will, fortitude or money for an endless court battle, so we are accepting that 50/50 is the best we will do. SS has 4 1/2 more years of school before he graduates and thanks to the money drain of court, he will likely go to her college free and STILL be under her thumb.

I'm glad they disregarded her allegations and I still think that 15 years ago, she would have been handed sole custody and my SO relegated to EOW no matter that he was the primary parent in their marriage. I'm trying to learn Radical Acceptance. I can't change her, or the court, I can only work with what I have.

[BentNotBroken]

Nona-

Thank you for the kind words and validation on my course of action. Child support enforcement where I live is paid by a 2% fee added on top of the child support amounts. It encourages more child support judgements instead of shared parenting so the agency can keep growing in size and influence in the family court system. There is no option for voluntary payment directly to the other parent, it all must go through the agency. That injustice is a topic for another forum.

If it were just a money issue for me, it would make better financial sense to just walk away. I have already spent enough in legal fees to have covered about 10 years of child support. We don't even have trial date set yet.

It's not about the money, its about giving my son the best chance possible to have a good childhood without his mother's abuse and violence.

[tog]

I think if SS were 2, we'd fight harder too, but he's 13 and will soon enough be on his own. Your son is lucky-lots of men would have walked away. My SO says his friends tell him all the time that they would have long ago walked away and he keeps fighting.

[BentNotBroken]

I would think that the psychologist would have a better sense of what is going on, but apparently he can't spot a BPD when one is sitting on his couch. I handed him the information on a silver platter, but he chose to believe the weepy liar. Squirt out a few tears and everyone believes you, no matter how ridiculous the lies.

If our son was older, he could see for himself how crazy she is. However, he won't understand what crazy is if he grows up immersed in it. As several members here can attest, growing up immersed in BPD behavior makes it very difficult to understand what normal, healthy behavior is supposed to look like.

If someone says it is not possible to alienate a very young child, don't believe it. My ex still makes a big production out of parking 50-75 feet away at exchanges and practically running away with our son when I hand him over.  What message does that send to a toddler? Mommy is afraid of daddy, run away, run away! It is obviously a big act, because if she has something to tell me, or if she has had a good day she will stand and give me a lecture for way longer than necessary to make the exchange.

Interestingly, she has lately been so preoccupied with the stuff in her own head that she keeps forgetting to say goodbye to our son. I ask him to say goodbye to mom, and give her a goodbye kiss. She is usually halfway back to her car before he can respond.

[tog]

It's actually easier to alienate a young child. The thing that stopped stbx from totally alienating SS was that we have 50/50 and my SO fought like hell to protect that. She just could never get him isolated enough to finish off the brainwashing, though she tried... .  kept him away for a month on one occasion and 3 weeks on another.

[Matt]

Here's my experience with 50/50... .  

My wife was diagnosed with "multiple psychological disorders", including BPD, but the psychologist recommended 50/50 for S(then)8 and D(then)10 anyway.  But he wrote that if things didn't go well - specifically, with S8 - we should shift toward S8 spending more time with me.

My lawyer told me to accept it, because it would be hard to get more than 50/50, and because over time it would morph into a better situation anyway.  She said, "You'll end up with de facto primary custody if you just go with the flow."  So I agreed to it, and she was right:  over time, the kids have spent more and more time with me, for a number of reasons.

For example, I got a place near the school, so they can walk home after school, even on weeks they're supposed to be at their mom's house.  And I got them computers, so they can do their homework here.  Sometimes, they end up spending more nights here just so they can work on homework.  Other times, when it's "Mom's week", Mom comes up with some reason she can't take them - or maybe gives me no reason at all - so they spend the whole week here.

I do feel bad that they have to spend as much time with their mom as they do.  There's nothing for them to do there - she's usually depressed and in bed - they get bored and sometimes stressed by her type of parenting.  Sometimes they turn on each other and fight over nothing.  (But they're 16 and 14 now so not much of that.)

But overall they're doing great - high grades in school, friends, they're happy and healthy.

But... .  if I had it to do over again, here's what I would do:

* File a motion to get objective psych evals for both parents.  Make sure they will be objective tests like the MMPI-2.  Make sure the results will be given to both sides.

* Look at your own results and take appropriate actions.  If you have some issues, talk to a professional and get whatever help with that is appropriate.  In my case, my results showed a higher-than-average risk for addiction, so I talked to the psychologist and followed his recommendation to deal with that.

* If the results show BPD or something else serious in the other party, research the impact of that disorder on kids.  Find scholarly research showing that by the time they are adults, kids raised by someone with a psychological disorder are at much higher risk for substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, etc. etc. etc.

* Find an expert witness who can testify about that.

* Make the case that primary custody for you is low-risk - it will surely work out well for the kids - but 50/50 will put them at higher risk because of Mom's psychological disorder(s).

I did some of this - the MMPI-2 - but I failed to follow up with the research and the expert witness.  I believe if I had done that, I might have gotten primary custody, and that would have been better for the kids.

But at the same time, 50/50 has worked out pretty OK for us.

[ForeverDad]

If someone says it is not possible to alienate a very young child, don't believe it. My ex still makes a big production out of parking 50-75 feet away at exchanges and practically running away with our son when I hand him over.  What message does that send to a toddler? Mommy is afraid of daddy, run away, run away! It is obviously a big act, because if she has something to tell me, or if she has had a good day she will stand and give me a lecture for way longer than necessary to make the exchange.

Same with my ex.  She tried and tried and tried to get son to parrot her allegations during ages 3.5 to 6.5.  Never worked... .  until he was 6.6 when she had raged at pediatrician's staff, they withdrew their services and she had to find a way to make me look worse than her.  She took him to the children's hospital and prepped him enough to get him to say I had become enraged and beat him on his shins.  (It was a bruise he later showed me and said he got playing on the monkey bars when with his mother.)  The hospital nurse said he had typical active boy bumps and bruises but because he parroted mommy it was referred to CPS.  An interview at school and an interview with me ended that one.  That's when I bought him the Clifford the Big Red Dog book "T-Bone Tell the Truth".  Six years old and he didn't know he lied.  He didn't even know the difference between the truth and anything else.  That's how much the constant parental conflict held him back from age-appropriate progress.

Interestingly, she has lately been so preoccupied with the stuff in her own head that she keeps forgetting to say goodbye to our son. I ask him to say goodbye to mom, and give her a goodbye kiss. She is usually halfway back to her car before he can respond.

Warning! Will Robinson.  You are trying to be "too fair".  Let her be who she is.  If he wants to wave, hug or whatever, let it be his action.  At this point your concern is his relationship with you and your relationship with him.  This could, in a subtle way of invalidation, be teaching him that no matter what happens he needs to reach out to her.

[BentNotBroken]

Point noted. I am recording constantly around her, so when she accuses me of "not fostering a relationship with the other parent" as she already has, I can point to the audio and transcripts as some hard evidence that I made the effort.

[tog]

Sheesh, can you say projection? That one is hard to prove unless you are blocking her from visits or refusing to allow him to speak to her on the phone. She will throw all kinds of allegations, many of which are things she is actually doing herself. Doesn't mean she can prove them or they will take them seriously.

Probably, she's googled the things they use to determine custody and is trying to prove she does them and you don't.

[ForeverDad]

When she leaves you could say, tongue in cheek, "There goes mommy. Wave bye-bye."

[BentNotBroken]

BPDex is back to disclosing information, including my medical info, gained through Discovery to third parties in a attempt to cause further damage outside of the custody case. She will stop at nothing to harm me and cut me out of my sons life.

I am so sick of this court-enabled abuse. My L seems to think that the court here will do nothing to stop it.

[tog]

This the reason that our courts do not allow the parties to have the custody evaluation in their possession. Frustrating, but at least she can't go around telling everyone everything what's in it.

Hang in there, BnB.  I always reassure my SO that even if they don't say it, some people will see right through her and wonder why she's doing that to you. And you are right, she will do everything she can to "win".

[Matt]

It might be good to consult another attorney.  Yours is letting the other party get away with stuff and not offering you any solutions.