Advice much needed-How to handle first email contact 16 days post break up?

[Iam_Grace]

Ironically I just posted about being 16 days no contact in a different thread and what do I see in my inbox tonight-an email from my ex uBPD. This is my first attempt at handling contact and I could really use some advice!

Very quick background-together 1.5 years (she is the first woman I have been in a long term relationship with), our story unfolds as you might expect-intense blissful beginning (early red flags-extreme hatred of ex, blames all problems on the world/others, struggling financial, heavy drinker), middle was up and down (her life is always a struggle-money problems, ex problems, work problems-I didn’t like it when she lost control and screamed at me), and the end was months of fight/make up/fight/make up etc. The final break up (the one where every part of me knew it was real) consisted of her telling me she needs more and me agreeing and saying “I cannot give you what you need”- We hugged goodbye and 16 days later…

After reading her email I was struck by how I could interpret it in 2 dramatically different ways! Through the lens of she is “borderline” vs the lens of….well…. she is just trying to process and share feelings after a breakup.   The gist of the email was this: she has struggled with whether or not to be in contact but she decided to reach out and tell me how she is feeling. She wanted to tell me she isn’t mad and has “no ill feelings” towards me despite the last part of our relationship. She said she is sad we fell apart so badly and that in the end love wasn’t enough. She also said she doesn’t regret being with me, how I taught her about herself/encouraged her to make many positive changes, and that she will cherish the good times we had. She even said “Thank you”. She sincerely hopes I am doing OK. She said she hopes we can rekindle our friendship, but right now is too soon because she is still hurting, needs to work on herself and find peace with all that has happened. She asked me how I would feel about getting coffee or talking on the phone in a couple of weeks. Said she thinks of me often and wishes me happiness.

So on one hand this seems like a very nice email! On the other hand…if we assume for now that she is at a minimum higher than average on the borderline spectrum-It feels a bit less nice and I hear a different message. So what is the truth? Does she mean those nice words? Or is this part of the cycle and I just don't know it because I have never been here before? I want to make sure that I continue to move forward and stick with good boundaries. There is no part of me that is hoping this leads to getting back together-that door is closed. But I am also not convinced that no contact is the only option. At the end of the day I guess I still believe in her.

Thanks so much for reading-Thoughts?

[Gaslit]

Recycle attempt, for sure.

This means, "I'm saving face, in case you don't agree." Thus, the excuse.

She said she hopes we can rekindle our friendship, but right now is too soon because she is still hurting, needs to work on herself and find peace with all that has happened.

This is what she really wants, per the recycle:

She asked me how I would feel about getting coffee or talking on the phone in a couple of weeks. Said she thinks of me often and wishes me happiness.

Oh, and once she gets what she wants, she will no longer want it. Until it is gone again, repeat.

At least in my case. It is eerily similar.

Where I finally said I can't anymore, was with all the repeats. I knew they were coming. The cycle became so obvious.

[redfeather]

I am Grace,

I too was in a same sex relationship with a woman and it pretty much went par for the course with my pwBPD. Mine sent email almost identical to your gf's. It is eery how very similar. I think for me  (and me only) I did all my questioning of "Why" did she do this or why did she do that well i came here for answers instead of asking my ex. So No contact for me was a tremendous healing tool  to take the emotions out of the situation and figure out what had just happened to me when our relationship went south.

To create the good boundaries you speak of in my honest opinion you will need some personal space away from her... so i personally would not agree to any mtgs in a few weeks.

And gaslit makes a very good point it does sound like a recycle attempt. These people live in extreme emotional pain and vacillate many times between fear of engulfment (push) and fear of abandonment (pull). So my best advice is take care of you first and foremost, exercise, eat right if you can, sleep, learn how to stop ruminating, check out some of the lessons too. Oh and read and post.

[Robbz]

I can't help but think I need time to heal = time to explore other options. Sorry I know that hurts, but most people on here are thinking the same thing. I got that same eml and it didn't turn out well. Rage soon followed projected on to me.

[Iam_Grace]

Thanks for the feedback.

Gaslit-the way you separated out those two sentence helped me to think about her words differently. I haven't gone through a recycle so it helps to hear about others experiences.

Redfeather-I very much agree with you about the personal space-2 plus weeks apart has done wonders for my mind body spirit. It is helping me to get a sense of clarity and to remember what it feels like to not feel constant angst. But I do still ruminate    It is in my nature to want to make sense of peoples words and actions. And to get a better handle on what was it in me that needed/was drawn to/played a role in the dynamic.

Robbz-Yeah... .  If I had to bet the odds of rage not creeping back in at some point are pretty low.

So in the light of a new morning... .  I am still not sure if/how to reply. However, I am determined not to let this impact my day. Likely at some point I will send a brief response. I will resist all urges to counter any of her points, I will not tell her that I too have been sad/hurting. Instead I will simply say I agree with her that it is too soon to be in contact.  And I will keep reading the words and stories of so many who have been through this before.

[cookiecrumbled]

Grace -

What about: "Thanks for your email.  I am not sure about coffee but I'm glad to hear you are working on yourself.  Gotta run."

Whatever you say, be brief.

Cookie

[WillyD]

I think she does mean what she says (in her mind) AND it is an attempt to recycle and see if she can get you back. It's both.

I would stay away from physical contact at a minimum and think that even email contact is inadvisable. If you get sucked in for another year and half you will only hurt worse and healing will require more time and effort. It's surprisingly easy for that to happen no matter how much resolve you think you may have.

I went back too many times and it's still a challenge to stay away after 3 years with BPDgf. The damage done from these highly dysfunctional relationships  is cumulative over time.

[draft]

I'm not sure this really is recycle.

If you both ended it peacefully (hugged goodbye) and she writes to have a coffee in a couple of weeks, needs to work on herself?

This doesn't sound very BPD to me. This is all too little to interpret from and just giving an internet diagnosis of "what's actually going on" is almost impossible. Especially if you walked away. 90% of all "normals" wouldn't be capable to write what she wrote.

I've had a relationship with a diagnosed BPD and I would never ever receive such thing from my ex.

If you don't feel sure about this and for the moment need to be left alone. Then write that, instead of playing games.

Question is rather; What do you feel and want in this?

[Iam_Grace]

Draft-Thanks for the thoughts-especially the reminder to think about what I want and feel.  I agree, the email doesn't sound "borderline". This is why I posted because I haven't gone through this before and perhaps I am misreading her intentions. I am asking myself all the time-is my perception/hunch that she is borderline (ish) clouding my perception of a nice email? One of the things about her I appreciate is her ability to be profoundly rational and self-reflective. After our big fights, I always got an email with an apology and many words that gave me hope that eventually things would change. This is why I held on... .  because when I am with her in her best moments, I forget about the bad. But eventually the loving apologetic emails just became reminders of the ugliness that came before. Our last interaction may have ended with a hug... .  but many before ended with fireworks and a middle finger (sometimes 2) pointed my way.

So I don't have a clue if her email is a recycle attempt (not sure I quite understand what recycle means). Maybe she does mean it when she says she hopes we can be friends once she has gotten over the breakup. I guess time will tell.

Anyhow, I did send a reply. It was brief.

[FogLight]

This sounds an AWFUL lot like a phone call I received from my BPDex months after our breakup, where she said I was a huge part of her life, helped her grow soo much, and she was begging to see me, which I declined and ended the conversation.  This was followed 2 days later by another series of texts from her number, but claiming to be the replacement.  I'm positive it was actually her texting, but either way the message was very nasty and there indeed was and is a replacement.  I assume it was provoked by her perceived rejection by me, amplified through the lens of BPD.  I have no idea how the situation would have turned out if I handled it any differently, the only thing I would do differently if I could do it again is remain NC and not even bother to respond.

Just my experience in a somewhat similar situation where the BPDex didn't seem so BPD... .  for a little while.  Good luck!

[Lady31]

I believe Gaslit hit it on the head.

She is wording this way to not be vulnerable to you incase you are not interested.

The couple of weeks things could be twofold.  One, to make it sound ACTUALLY believable/more convincing to you that something has changed and that she really is working on herself.  The other side of it could be that once she gets a response and it somehow gives a green light to her, she very well could try to make firm plans at that point that really isn't that far in the future.

Also, it is very common for them to try to get the lines of communication open again even if they aren't ready to try to recycle you.  This allows them to make sure they can try to keep the door open in the relationship for when they DO want to recycle you AND it makes it possible for them to try to meet emotional needs through you in the interm.