Need Advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After several weeks of silent treatment, i think my person with BPD is trying to reengage me in the way he always does. Strange emails in the inbox, hang up calls and other things. What I can't figure out is if he is just trying to enrage me, because this is usually what I do when he does this is fly off the handle in anger. Or if he is trying to call to reconnect. He never comes back and asks me to reengage with him because that would mean verbal communication, he just starts this activity with the emails and other things at which time I usually initiate contact back but  he is almost mute in the conversation, minus a few simple words. Then I get mad at him because I feel like he's playing games or something and blow up on him and he dissappears with silent treatment for weeks or months on end. I don't want him back, but I would like to be a friend and talk with him every now and then. Anyway, when this happens... .  what he's doing now. I usually lose all common sense and start reacting out of emotion. What do you think he is doing here? And how should I react to this?

[almost789]

After several weeks of silent treatment, i think my person with BPD is trying to reengage me in the way he always does. Strange emails in the inbox, hang up calls and other things. What I can't figure out is if he is just trying to enrage me, because this is usually what I do when he does this is fly off the handle in anger. Or if he is trying to call to reconnect. He never comes back and asks me to reengage with him because that would mean verbal communication, he just starts this activity with the emails and other things at which time I usually initiate contact back but  he is almost mute in the conversation, minus a few simple words. Then I get mad at him because I feel like he's playing games or something and blow up on him and he dissappears with silent treatment for weeks or months on end. I don't want him back, but I would like to be a friend and talk with him every now and then. Anyway, when this happens... .  what he's doing now. I usually lose all common sense and start reacting out of emotion. What do you think he is doing here? And how should I react to this?

[hithere]

I don't want him back, but I would like to be a friend and talk with him every now and then.

I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

Why would you like him to be your friend? And do you think your friendship would be a positive relationship or would it likely follow the same path as your previous one?

From my own experience and from reading 1000's of posts, I don't think you can maintain a healthy friendship with an exBPD partner.

[mitti]

I recognize this pattern in my pwBPD. He has got a lot better at verbal communication since almost a year in CT with a BPD specialist but with him it's not so much that he isn't verbal but daring to meet his shame and understanding that without communication and meeting me half way, so to speak, i.e. telling me what he wants, he will trigger my shame. How many times can we forgive and take somebody back that keeps treating us so badly. But still, he will only do a little and expect/want me to do the rest. He'd also give me weeks of silent treatment and then try and reengage me. I'd be so angry, hurt and humiliated but if I would immediately show him how deeply hurt I was he would disappear again. I believe your ex is possibly is wanting to reconnect. If you do want him back I think you need to reconsider what this is worth to you. What is more important - that you show him at this point how you feel, he probably will not get it anyway, but you might feel better about yourself, we are all geared differently in that respect, as to what we need for ourselves - or that he comes back and you have him in your life? If it is the latter you may need to put your own needs second, at least for now, and not be angry about what he has just done. They feel an enormous amount of shame and when they come back and realize what they have done they feel extremely bad about themselves. It is hard to face. Perhaps you may be able to talk about it at a later stage.

[almost789]

Hithere,

Honestly, I don't know why I would want him back. He's treated my bad. He's not a rager, but the silent treatment is pretty bad. When your in pain and hurting and your ignored for such a long time, it's hard to believe that person actually cares about you. So, I see what you are saying exactly. I've not completely let go of him I don't think. I really liked him alot, I have a hard time accepting he would not be in my life at all. At the same time I know he won't make me happy and I'm wondering if I can accept him the way he is.

Mitti,

Mine was verbal too before we went bad. Before he split me. He was very verbal and talkative and quite grown up. Then he split me and the communication is almost non existent. He'll say. "Miss you" and thats about it. If I try to talk much more, he just leaves. Even with simple stuff. Like once I asked him if he watched football over the weekend and he said "no too busy", then I said. "Too busy for football?" (because he used to watch everyweekend) and he disappared for days. I told him once I like to talk to my friends and he said "BYE" and left for days. So, when he does return like this I get mad thinking he's playing games with me. But he always deny's playing games. Its the wierdes thing to have someone say "I miss you" but then not want to talk to you or see you. I think your right, if I want to be friends, I have to lower the expectations and not depend on him for much of anything.

[real lady]

He never comes back and asks me to reengage with him because that would mean verbal communication, he just starts this activity with the emails and other things at which time I usually initiate contact back but  he is almost mute in the conversation, minus a few simple words. Then I get mad at him because I feel like he's playing games or something and blow up on him and he dissappears with silent treatment for weeks or months on end.

Well, if he asked you respectfully in a way that your did not feel that he was playing a game, I am sure that you would engage with him... .  but you KNOW that he is not being honest, he IS playing a game and WANTS your attention but not willing to communicate respectfully to you... .  is that right?

It looks to me that he is projecting and WANTS you to get mad at him and therefore HE feels justified for NOT communicating with you. My uBPDso live in says "this is WHY I can't talk to you"... .  he repeats it as if it will "become true if he says it enough"... .  I tell him that HE IS talking to me and more importantly I AM TALKING and LISTENING to him... .  he is causing his own problems. We do not have to play that game.

I don't want him back, but I would like to be a friend and talk with him every now and then. Anyway, when this happens... .  what he's doing now. I usually lose all common sense and start reacting out of emotion. What do you think he is doing here? And how should I react to this?

I think that he, though not making progress to actively get back with you, wants to engage you and "recycle" in a cyber way, via text, etc. The moment that YOU STOP engaging, START IGNORING his communication, the sooner he will GET IT that you are DONE PLAYING GAMES WITH HIM... .  IF and when he would EVER contact you WITH RESPECT and you choose to talk to him, then you ARE TEACHING HIM how you will allow yourself to be treated by him... .  even stating that "if you do or say... .  (whatever it is), then I end the conversation and back to NO CONTACT with you"... .  it is really UP TO HIM.

Choose your boundaries, respect yourself and when you hold onto these things, if he rejects them, don't "play the game"... .  wishing you luck and health. <3

[almost789]

real lady,

your right. I think he IS playing games and projecting. I always get angry when he does this. Always. This time though I was thinking I was not going to get angry and just ignore it and see what happens. I just don't understand, why play games? If he wants me back, why would he want to make me angry? Its the same thing over and over again, he knows this makes me angry and I HAVE TOLD him repeatedly this is the reason I left in the first place. So, I don't get it. If he doesn't want me back, why doesn't he just say it? Instead of play these childish games? Such as the BPD brain. Ughh. I am going to ignore it. And your right, if he wants to engage as a friend, he can approach and communicate somewhat respectfully. He told me this. He said I may not always respond to you immediately, but will always treat you with respect. I think he tries to "control" his dysregulation by not responding to me when he's emotional. However, I told him that not speaking to me for weeks is not treating me with respect.