Recyle

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, it's been a while since I last posted - at that time I was quite firm in my resolve to go NC after my uBPDh (we are in our 40s, married almost one year and living apart for seven months) threatened to "play with guns" - he clarified what that meant when I did not respond - contact the police to file a report against me (with the intent of getting a RO), and attempted to contact women on Facebook.

Anyway, this is a check-in and reintroduction of myself on the Undecided board.

My NC resolve began to fade when he began contacting me again.  I finally responded.  When we were no contact, my life seemed much more stable but I missed him - at times incredibly.  Such is the story for those involved with pwBPD! 

In the meantime, I have been in therapy and attended at least one Alanon meeting per week - he is an alcoholic.  Four months of therapy has helped me and I will continue with it as long as needed.  When I developed some boundaries with him, he had what I now understand to be a period of extinction bursts when his behavior showed stronger signs of BPD.  Hence the constant phoning and texting, threats, and many more and longer-duration silent treatments.  Since then, I have learned a lot more about his childhood and past adult life and truly feel for him.

The Lessons on the Staying Board are invaluable and take a lot of practice.  I am not an expert by any stretch but am trying to implement the Lessons in all my relationships. 

I don't know what the future holds.  I do know I cannot live with an alcoholic or constant push pull.  So I will post on the "Undecided" board as long as it takes to decide.  Thank you.

[daze]

Hello, it's been a while since I last posted - at that time I was quite firm in my resolve to go NC after my uBPDh (we are in our 40s, married almost one year and living apart for seven months) threatened to "play with guns" - he clarified what that meant when I did not respond - contact the police to file a report against me (with the intent of getting a RO), and attempted to contact women on Facebook.

Anyway, this is a check-in and reintroduction of myself on the Undecided board.

My NC resolve began to fade when he began contacting me again.  I finally responded.  When we were no contact, my life seemed much more stable but I missed him - at times incredibly.  Such is the story for those involved with pwBPD! 

In the meantime, I have been in therapy and attended at least one Alanon meeting per week - he is an alcoholic.  Four months of therapy has helped me and I will continue with it as long as needed.  When I developed some boundaries with him, he had what I now understand to be a period of extinction bursts when his behavior showed stronger signs of BPD.  Hence the constant phoning and texting, threats, and many more and longer-duration silent treatments.  Since then, I have learned a lot more about his childhood and past adult life and truly feel for him.

The Lessons on the Staying Board are invaluable and take a lot of practice.  I am not an expert by any stretch but am trying to implement the Lessons in all my relationships. 

I don't know what the future holds.  I do know I cannot live with an alcoholic or constant push pull.  So I will post on the "Undecided" board as long as it takes to decide.  Thank you.

[Newton]

Hi daze I'm glad you decided to look to bpdfamily.com for support again... .  

It's also great news you have a therapist to assist you with all of this... .  

It seems like you have been putting in some real personal work... .  good for you!... .  

How about your partner?... .  has he attempted any self analysis?... .  

[daze]

Hello, Newton,

No, he is not attending AA or in therapy.  He says if he quits drinking, he will do it on his own.  We do not live together and one of my boundaries is that I won't be around him if he is drinking and there is no drinking at my house.  He seems okay with that boundary.  So for the time being, I'm just trying to work on myself.  I'm learning an incredible amount about myself that was basically unknown.  It's like I've come out of the matrix. 

We were supposed to go out of town this weekend together for our one year anniversary which is coming up.  It fell through becaushttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0e one of my sons said that he can't go to his grandparents because he has a big assignment due on Monday.  This led to an argument between my sons because my other son wanted him to go.  And now our weekend is cancelled.  My partner was initially okay with it, understood, and was going to come over tonight.  Then he got mad.  I told him I am disappointed too and want to see him but if he's going to be angry that he shouldn't come and we can try again tomorrow.  So, looks like I'm hanging with my son tonight.  Gonna read a book my T recommended and maybe post more here.   

Daze